8 year old daughter acting more moody, and difficult...advice please.

[Ballroom]

My eldest kid is now starting to act super moody, and I'm seriously getting frustrated. She seems to be fine, and then something will trigger an outburst. She will yell at us, and go up to her room, slam door, etc. I admit I haven't adjusted well to it. I've yelled back, and gotten frazzled by it. Is this really hormone changing time?! Eight? My friend recently shared how her 10 year old is getting very moody, and I thought that seemed early for puberty...

 

It's hard because I have toddlers too, and I'm just struggling to give her quiet time/alone time to cool down, but it's hard to manage it, and get daily things done.

 

Can you please share your experiences...what did you do? What consequences did you give that worked? she seems kind of unfazed by losing snacks or field trips....gosh, this is tough! I so appreciate insight :). I've also tried to really chat with her about it, and say sorry for my sins against her...I'm really trying to be calm about it..

[Crimson Wife]

Unfortunately, 8 y.o. is not all that early these days for starting puberty. http://www.livescience.com/8448-girls-entering-puberty-younger-ages-study-suggests.html

[Aurelia]

It starts around that age, yes. I've mainly handled things like yelling as a discipline issue. If DD wants to go to her room, fine, but no yelling, name-calling, etc. Sometimes she just needs to be out of the immediate situation to calm down. 

 

What does she consider important? Play time with friends? TV or computer time? Use that as currency. Definitely talk with her about her actions and how they make you feel, and see if you can work something out so that she doesn't feel the need to yell. And, I'm sure you know this, but don't yell back, no matter how tempting it is. That only makes things worse.

[Ellie]

Puberty is no excuse for bad behavior, KWIM? Even if that is the cause, I would correct/instruct/discipline for bad attitude the same I would at any other time, because it is important for her to learn that bad behavior is not acceptable.

 

In my house, slamming doors would mean that more practice is needed in how to close doors, and there would be several minutes of practicing. Also, in our house, we discipline more directly than by doing things like taking away snacks or field trips. Time for cooling down would be the amount of time it takes for her to go to her room while I calm myself down before going in and having an intense eyeball-to-eyeball discussion about how the behavior is unacceptable and that more physical correction may result if it continues.

[Gil]

Yelling and slamming doors are NOT the type of behaviors that fly in our household, I don't care which chemicals are in your blood. I would tackle it as a discipline issue, be sure she isn't acting out as the effect of her diet or anything. (Sugar makes some kids go wild...) focus on the negative actions and try to keep a dialogue going about how she's feeling and the right way to channel those feelings. Try to just be consistent. I only have sons, but one of whom is, at times, part wolf, part man and all wild child. Fortunately, he isn't being raised up in a barn so I demand that he not act like it. So far, it is working for us.

[Tracy]

We have had some problems with dd8 that I attribute to hormones--situational anxiety, forgetting things in school that she had already mastered.  I have talked to her about how hormones affect us, and that knowledge seems to help her, at least after-the-fact.  

[IsabelC]

Remember, pre-puberty can start up to a couple of years before actual puberty proper. I was astonished to discover recently that my daughter who will be 9 in three months has started to get body odor. I was panicking about precocious puberty but after a bit of reading I found that this is within the 'normal' range. 

 

As for how to handle her inappropriate behavior, I agree that she needs some firm limits to be enforced. However, there is little point in enforcing limits if you don't take the extra time and effort to find out what her problem is. There must be something that is making her unable to handle minor frustrations or stresses in her life. (With my 8yo, the cause is usually related to negative self image and/or fear that her siblings are more important to us than she is, but obviously ymmv.)

 

Does she get time with you and her father without her siblings being present? We've found that 'special time' does wonders for all our children.

[aggie96]

My 8yo daughter has entered pre-puberty also (or beginning stages, etc).  She is having the same struggles with same outbursts and same results.  I was super frustrated and basically mirroring her behavior (as I struggle with big swing towards menopause...double whammy!).  Strangely, it wasn't until I smelled her (body odor...yikes), then it clicked.  We are entering puberty.  Now I can calmly focus during her rants or meltdowns.  I try to direct her to her room to calm down, and then discuss a better way to handle whatever situation triggered it when she is calm.  We have also talked about her body producing new chemicals (hormones) that help to change her body from a girl to a young lady then woman.  We haven't talked about menses or where babies come from or anything of that nature yet.  It just hasn't come up so far.  That discussion is not far off I suspect.  Her slamming doors and stomping, etc is absolutely not acceptable, but I know from experience, punishment in these moments doesn't help.

 

Our new challenge as parents has been distinguishing between her just being a turkey which requires correction and hormone bursts which require correction with some strong compassion.  :)

 

Just my $0.02.  Hope it helps. 

[shinyhappypeople]

Oh, I remember those days.  10 yo DD went through two glorious years of "PMS" (pre-puberty) before finally starting her period and settling down.  Now she's a calm, reasonable person with only occasional grumpiness.  But from age 8 to almost 10.... ugh.  It was tough.   I almost sent her back to public school, because I didn't think I could take much more abuse.

 

She spent a lot of time in her room calming herself down (usually per my instructions).  Not much got done in the way of academics.  But, we survived.  There's hope!  It gets better!  Just love her through this phase.  It's not exactly tons of fun for her, either.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  <--- because I know you need them!

 

 

 

 

[kohlby]

My daughter's issues aren't puberty, but personality.  It started showing up at only 3 years old and she's almost 8 now.  She has a lot of anxiety and they show up in her behavior.  She did just start counseling and we're waiting to get her into a psychiatrist, as her issues are above and beyond the norm and I'm scared of what the pre-teen years will do with her already struggling.  (She said that she wanted to kill herself a couple weeks ago and often feels this way, so we're not talking about normal hormonal shifts).  It does disrupt things, but we've also learned to go with the flow most of the time.  Her room is her safe calm down place.  She'll often put herself in, knowing that is what she needs, but there are times that I need to put her in there.  She does not calm down with me, but does alone.  We have learned to take it in stride over the years.  The "I hate you's" are answered with "I love you's."  The yelling is ignored.  Door slamming is ignored unless it may possibly damage the door.  She has so many feelings built up in her and it's better for us to let her get them out in some way as long as they don't damage anything or hurt any people.  She also had a phase where she would bite herself.  I'm much rather she gets her mad out in a different way.  That doesn't mean that we give her a free pass either.  We do point out when her behavior is inappropriate.  Pointing it out at times when she's calm is helpful - like if she asks why she doesn't go over friends houses as much as her older brother, then we can point out that she's not ready yet due to her outbursts. 

 

There's nothing I can really take away.  She set her bedtime at 7:16 despite me saying it could be 8:00.  She wouldn't care if I sent her to bed early. (And goes to bed before that if she doesn't start her reading at exactly 7:01).  I don't want to take away activities because she struggles socially sometimes, and she needs those activities.  The only thing I've been able to do is to have her hang out in her room.  It does help her calm down.  And it helps me if I'm at a point where I can't take it in stride.