Another bio dad denied access to his child

[unsinkable]

I finally clicked on the link. I missed that the dad is an actor.

 

I think it's crazy that the mom wanted to date the man, wanted his sperm, but didn't want him to be the father. ???

 

It reminds me of Farrow and Allan --- we're dating, not living together...but we're going to have children together.

 

Maybe stuff like this works out...but there are so many ways for it to go wrong.

[Ravin]

It works out if both parties are on the same page from the beginning and take legal steps to ensure they are on the same page that work with the laws of their state. Do it wrong (legally) and you wind up with absurd and occasionally unjust results.

 

For a contrast, look at the case of the Kansas sperm donor who is on the hook for child support because the mother had her girlfriend do the artificial insemination instead of a licensed physician. California has a similar law to Kansas. Unless married to the mother, a sperm donor who contributes sperm for a medically-mediated insemination presumptively has no parental rights. Rebutting that is best done from the get-go, before birth. A man can't change his mind when the kid is four. Much of the time, there is a second social parent in place, whose role is favored under California law over a less-involved biological father. In cases like this where there isn't, not having legal ducks in a row still has consequences. The legal burden to assert parental rights by a biological father is on him unless the mother (or the State) wants his money, and there are limits to how and when it can be done.

[Guest]

I know there are lots of pretend fathers out there. And a picture or two doesn't tell the whole story. But let me ask did your sons father hire lawyers seeking visitation with your son?

 

Every time a story like this comes up there are lots of people with bad father stories. I get it. I was abandoned by a bio and a step father. Neither of them EVER made an effort to see me.

 

So to me a lot can be said for a father who makes the effort.

 

He hired a lawyer to make me miserable...that is the short story.  At the end of the day, it was always about what a horrible person I was, and never about taking responsibility for his own actions.  In 18 years, he has taken me to court 4 times for visitation/custody. Each time there was documented proof that he wasn't even taking advantage of the visitation he was getting.  He would go a couple weeks at a time to a couple months at a time without seeing ds, then turn around in court and talk about how it was me keeping him from seeing ds.  (NOT TRUE)

 

I, then when I got married, my dh and I did everything...and I mean EVERYTHING to make sure ds saw his father.  Even after he was arrested for DUI, at double the legal limit, 25 minutes after dropping off ds from a visit.  We drove ds to his house, and either one of us or one of my family (who lived closer to him) picked ds up.  We made sure his family members saw ds because they were too afraid to rock the boat with ex and ask for visits.  When he did have ds, he was being completely irresponsible....to the point that HIS friends were contacting me to warn me about it.  When we finally moved out of state, we still did everything to make sure he got visitation, and he relied on MY family to keep ds most of the time because he didn't have the money to take care of him.  And it wasn't because he was paying support...he is currently 15,000 behind on that.  

 

Yet his friends  that he has met in the years since moving away from our home state have contacted me on FB, telling me how much ex loves ds, and that it isn't right for me to keep ds from him.  They hear his sob story about how I am a horrible person and that my husband is a jerk.  They DON'T hear ds's stories about how ex would lock him in his room so he could drink and smoke with his friends, or how he would get drunk and pass out while ds had to entertain himself.  He doesn't tell the stories about the times that ds was scared and called one of my brothers to come get him, or the times that ex was physically aggressive with him because he had caught him smoking pot at work.  These were all behaviors that he had had when he was younger....and we got back together and had ds 10 years later.  The behaviors picked back up after he found out I was pregnant with ds, because I would NOT have gotten together with him had he been doing this actively.

 

So to the people outside the situation, it looked like he was making an effort.  They were going off what he said, and believing it to be true.   He was going to court and hiring a lawyer because he was the poor father who was being mistreated.  Those that have never even met ds, just hear ex's story and take it as gospel.  Hiring a lawyer to get custody (4 times unsuccessfully), when you aren't even taking the visits you have tell a totally different story.  

 

At the end of the day...I am just a woman posting on a forum.  I AM telling the truth, but you all either choose to believe that or not.  Same goes with the story in the OP.  Both sides can paint a very convincing picture, but we can't know that either is telling the whole truth.

[Scarlett]

He hired a lawyer to make me miserable...that is the short story.  At the end of the day, it was always about what a horrible person I was, and never about taking responsibility for his own actions.  In 18 years, he has taken me to court 4 times for visitation/custody. Each time there was documented proof that he wasn't even taking advantage of the visitation he was getting.  He would go a couple weeks at a time to a couple months at a time without seeing ds, then turn around in court and talk about how it was me keeping him from seeing ds.  (NOT TRUE)

 

I, then when I got married, my dh and I did everything...and I mean EVERYTHING to make sure ds saw his father.  Even after he was arrested for DUI, at double the legal limit, 25 minutes after dropping off ds from a visit.  We drove ds to his house, and either one of us or one of my family (who lived closer to him) picked ds up.  We made sure his family members saw ds because they were too afraid to rock the boat with ex and ask for visits.  When he did have ds, he was being completely irresponsible....to the point that HIS friends were contacting me to warn me about it.  When we finally moved out of state, we still did everything to make sure he got visitation, and he relied on MY family to keep ds most of the time because he didn't have the money to take care of him.  And it wasn't because he was paying support...he is currently 15,000 behind on that.  

 

Yet his friends  that he has met in the years since moving away from our home state have contacted me on FB, telling me how much ex loves ds, and that it isn't right for me to keep ds from him.  They hear his sob story about how I am a horrible person and that my husband is a jerk.  They DON'T hear ds's stories about how ex would lock him in his room so he could drink and smoke with his friends, or how he would get drunk and pass out while ds had to entertain himself.  He doesn't tell the stories about the times that ds was scared and called one of my brothers to come get him, or the times that ex was physically aggressive with him because he had caught him smoking pot at work.  These were all behaviors that he had had when he was younger....and we got back together and had ds 10 years later.  The behaviors picked back up after he found out I was pregnant with ds, because I would NOT have gotten together with him had he been doing this actively.

 

So to the people outside the situation, it looked like he was making an effort.  They were going off what he said, and believing it to be true.   He was going to court and hiring a lawyer because he was the poor father who was being mistreated.  Those that have never even met ds, just hear ex's story and take it as gospel.  Hiring a lawyer to get custody (4 times unsuccessfully), when you aren't even taking the visits you have tell a totally different story.  

 

At the end of the day...I am just a woman posting on a forum.  I AM telling the truth, but you all either choose to believe that or not.  Same goes with the story in the OP.  Both sides can paint a very convincing picture, but we can't know that either is telling the whole truth.

 

 

Ah.  I see.  I do NOT doubt you at all.  I am sure there are men who would waste their money to make them selves appear the victim. I think most do not.

 

I am sorry for your child.  And for you.

[aggieamy]

I don't think there is a higher standard for mothers than dads.

 

As far as the bc, I doubt he had the right to put his name on there since he wasn't married to the mom.

 

He isn't JUST an ex boyfriend Rosie. He is a biological father who WANTS to be involved in this child's life. He and the child shouldn't be punished forever for his less than enthusiastic response at first or for breaking up with the boys mom. Lots of men are scared at first and claim they aren't ready to be a dad. Doesn't mean they don't get a clue and turn into good dads.

 

LEGALLY though it's a different story.  You don't get a few years to think about it and then later decide you want to be a good dad.  DS's birth father just wanted to avoid the situation.  His rights were servered when baby was born and birth mother placed him with us.  He doesn't get to later on grow up and decide that he wants to be a father even if he is a biological father.  

 

It might be a sad situation for this guy.  It might not be.  He might be mega-jerk who is getting all sorts of publicity.  We don't know.  We only know maybe about 30% of everything that's really going on and I have a hard time getting too involved about a situation like this.  

 

It does serve as a great reminder to have a chat with our sons on being responsible.  There are a lot of states that have zero patience with fathers who aren't married to the child's mother.  Don't let a little passion put you in a situation you'll regret for years.