Do older boys need a dad more at the tween years?

[Elisabet1]

I never had issues with my oldest son. But, my 12 yr old son (has Aspergers, but is very smart, high IQ, you probably cannot tell he has Aspergers if you met him) defies me quietly all the time now. 

 

Yesterday, I told him to work on his science project and asked him what he was doing it on. He had already told me before. I said all this in a very nice tone, so no issues there. But he just walked off on me, right past me and refused to answer. His dad had to go to him and force him to come back and answer.

 

Then this morning, I was cleaning and he was just standing around. I asked him to please go up to my closet and bring me down the laundry basket. He walked up the stairs, but then started playing (we have a game room at the top of the stairs, but it is an open room, meaning I can hear everything downstairs). I reminded him to go get it, and he suddenly got quiet. I called out his name, and he held perfectly still. I finally said "I know you are there" and he refused to answer. Then I told him he was grounded for refusing to do what I asked.

 

My husband seems to have great luck with him these days.  I am wondering if I just need to hand over the responsibility for this to my husband. Thanks for your help in advance!

[ondreeuh]

I think if you hand this over yo your husband, then you are reinforcing the idea that your husband is the one he has to listen to, not you! I would have your husband back you up as much as possible, and stay consistent.

[dsmith]

We go through periods like this where he doesn't listen to me at all, but immediately does what dh asks. Sometimes it's an issue of how I talk to him compared to how dh talks to him. Other times, I have no clue at all, lol. Dh will take him out for some male bonding, have a talk with him about why it's important to listen to me, etc. I also try to remember to not be vague in my wording to him, to not overload him with too many instructions at once, and to use visual supports where it is needed. ( I thought as he got older I could drop certain things, like visual schedules, social stories, etc. but he still needs some of these things, modified for his age.) Distractions (like the computer) are a big problem that we are trying to work on lately. My son does not defy me quietly, so be thankful for that, lol. Lately he has this skewed sense of fairness/unfairness and is very vocal about it. It's been driving me nuts and I know I have been handling things poorly. That is when I hand things over to dh - when I know I am not handling things the way I should. We back each other up always, but sometimes he needs to take over for for a time.

 

I have noticed that ds is better over all behaviorally when dh has special time with him. They have an activity they do together every other week or so, and they make a day of it. They jokingly refer to it as 'men going out' or 'MGO' day. 

[MysteryJen]

I agree that your husband needs to back you up, but I do think that tween boys need their dad more than they did when they were little. My boys craved time with their dad at that age, and all through the teen years. 

 

I know one dad in a family with all boys who really stepped up in time and effort when his boys hit that age and the difference has been extraordinary. They are turning into wonderful young men and obey and respect their mother so much better than before.  Boys need men in their lives to be role models and mentors. Dads are best, but lots of men with effort and love can fill that spot.

[SailorMom]

12 is it.  I have to say, with both of mine, my real influence over them ended at 12.  Don't get me wrong, they didn't start defying me constantly and not listening, but as for real character development - it was all on their dad. 

What helped us was very firm boundaries with DH backing me up.  DH was also deployed a lot then, so if we hadn't made that work everything would have fallen apart. 

I think it's a very normal stage for boys, and healthy for them to pull away from mom and relate more to dad. 

It is better now, I think, they are both sorta coming back around - we both have about the same influence on them again.  They still relate more to their dad, but the appreciate my take on things as well.

[DianeW88]

Yep, dads are very important at that age.  My dh spent lots of time with my older son throughout his tween and teen years, and it definitely helped him to become the remarkable young man that he is.  My dh is now doing the same with my 12 year old son.  They spent about 15 minutes every morning sitting and talking in my dh's car before he leaves for work.  It's "their" time and my son loves it.  Then, when he comes home, they spend most of the evening doing things together, whether it's chores around the house, watching TV, going out somewhere or playing a game.  I think boys crave time with their fathers at this age, and it really helps their development.  A positive role model is such an important thing.

[My3girls]

I have 2 step sons, and yes, they need their Dad's influence more starting at this age.  No, do not hand it over  to him, though.  I agree with what others have said; Have dh back you up at all times.