S/O: Have your parents ever charged you room and board?

[bolt.]

It comes across as though someone undertakes it with as much consideration as undertaking a hobby and you condescendingly informing them it is not actually a hobby.

 

Anyone with the brains of an ant can figure out that it's not a hobby and they don't need informed of such an obvious fact.

 

*deep breath Stepping away from the keyboard.*

I suppose it was a statement of the obvious -- possibly an unnessisary touch of colour, but I still don't get how it got misunderstood to mean that I think of it *as* a hobby, when my whole post was about how it would be really hard for a normal person to undertake, so very hard that I wouldn't want it done on my behalf.

 

I think I'm going to follow my parents' plan: keep taking high risk vacations and stay involved with gruelling sports: it's fun and fit while it lasts, and it provides ample opportunities to go quickly and avoid a prolonged end of life.

[Orthodox6]

Thank you all for the assorted feedback.  This has been interesting, and I am glad to have read the varying viewpoints.  The inherent constraints of attempting to communicate understandably and tactfully on a message board are insuperable; however, I think we all have done our best.  

[Aelwydd]

It comes across as though someone undertakes it with as much consideration as undertaking a hobby and you condescendingly informing them it is not actually a hobby.

 

Anyone with the brains of an ant can figure out that it's not a hobby and they don't need informed of such an obvious fact.

 

*deep breath Stepping away from the keyboard.*

She's not the one being condescending, IMO. My undergrad is in public health. I actually did an internship providing care for elderly people in a very nice assisted living facility. Several of my clients were "failed" home care cases--where the family thought they could handle the care involved, but were woefully unprepared.

 

They were unprepared for cooking and preparing every single snack and meal, monitoring every bit and swallow (dysphagia), they were unprepared for nasty side effects of medications causing uncontrolled diarrhea, and having to strip and bathe a helpless, heavy adult. They were unprepared for all the specialists' appointments, and how you have to be very knowledgeable about the system in order to be an effective advocate. If you miss that funny rash under the breast, or don't notice the tremor after lunch the other day--it doesn't get reported to the physician. They were unprepared for the mood swings, the altered personalities, they hitting, scratching, and biting. They were unprepared for wound care for their diabetic parent, or for keeping track and reminding different health care providers of what medications she is on and for what reason.

 

That's the tip of the iceberg. With moderate dementia, or diabetes, or hypertension. This doesn't even touch those cases where kidney disease, cancer, seizures, or a hundred other common conditions may factor in.

 

 

Be offended by her statement all you want. The truth is, when most people discuss this topic, they do it emotionally. I have only ever seen the topic discussed, in terms of actual nursing and support services involved, with the myriad requirements different conditions necessitate, among people who actually have done it.

 

So, when I hear someone say, they want mom or day to move in and be part of the family, maybe contribute by watching kids, or do gardening, etc., basically supplementing family life,I think to myself--if your parent is very healthy, is physically active, that's perhaps doable.

 

It's not realistic for the 80 year old suffering from arterial stenosis, diabetes, chronic skin infections, and budding dementia.

 

Many people do not think this through until they are in the thick of it.

[Aelwydd]

How.. Matronizing using of you. :/

Can we keep derogatory terms out of the discussion?

 

My own mother lived with me before she died. And she wasn't the only person I have been the primary caregiver for in their last days, including Alzheimer's.

 

Just because I don't agree with someone, doesn't mean I can't understand.

 

In fact, on another thread I even said I wouldn't feel safe leaving infants with elderly because it could be dangerous for both of them.

 

I hold no grudge or judgement at all to someone saying they can't provide what the patient needs. If they can't, then they can't.

 

But I think it's highly and equally disrespectful to presume that no one should or can. Or they are doing it like a hobby. (Seriously? I have nothing much respectful to say to such an outrageous statement. I'm pretty sure I'm not ever going to clean breathing tubes and wipe adult arses or make sure IV meds get delivered at 3am or be extra careful to speak in such a way that someone doesnt feel shame at needing urine bathed off them or be cussed at because they forgot who I was for a "hobby".)

Then you misread her statement. She wasn't referring to what the care you or I performed as a "hobby." She's warning those that may not understand how difficult such care can be that it involves a lot more care than what many people have experience with.

 

Nor did she, or I, state that "no one should" or "can" care for an elderly person. What bolt and I have stated (again, and again, and again), is that if you (generic "you) are thinking about taking in an elderly relative, then you had best do your homework. Generally, that would include researching their health conditions, assessing your living quarters to see if they can be altered to support and accommodate the needs of an elderly person, finding out what resources are available for seniors in your area, form relationships with your relative's health care providers, understanding their dietary and medication schedule, seeking training for administering certain treatments, and so forth.

 

If you want to contend that most people in our society--who won't even bother to use spell check or dictionary.com to check a word--approach this subject with that kind of practical, no-nonsense thinking, then that's a remarkably optimistic view, IMO.

 

 

With the right assistance in place, an honest assessment of options and needs of the patient and the abilities of those willing to care for them, quite a bit can be done at home safely and caringly. Many people are always going to need nursing homes and I truely hope they get quality care there and their families visit them frequently.

 

But for people who want to stay in a family environment and have family willing to provide that, I think they need lots of options, assistance, and be willing to adjust as their loved one's health needs change over time. And to understand that it could be many years of care that will likely get more complicated, not less.

Yeah, and is there anything I've said that contradicts this? My point isn't that home care is impossible. My point is that a lot of people don't know what to expect when they take in an elderly person. It just feels right, so they made the decision. In order to be prepared, and to have those support systems set up, first there has to be a discussion about what it means to care for elderly persons with health issues.

 

And bolt's point is it's not something to be taken lightly--it's not a hobby. You can't take them in, decide it's too much after all, and then just leave them to fend for themselves. Or, I guess you can, but the results are not going to be optimal in most cases.

 

Again, bolt is NOT saying the care you and I provided was taken on as a hobby, or that we treated it as such. She's saying that for those who do not really understand what it is they are committed to, they are potentially going to get in way over their heads.

 

IOW, don't go into this lightly.

[Sherri in MI]

In my Jr. & Sr. year of high school I had to pay a small amount for room and board ($25 to $50 weekly - don't remember the exact amount) and I had to buy my own clothes & I think toiletries.  And my own phone that I had in my room.

 

[Guest]

I did not pay a dollar amount in rent, but I paid for all of my own expenses. I had my own health insurance the summer after I finished high school, had my own car, had a full time job and paid for everything except my actual bedroom space and the electricity I used. I paid for my dentistry, my vision care, bought my own food, my own clothes, my own expenses for my dog, my own car, gas and insurance. 

 

I would expect this from my own children when they are employed full time and no longer in school, though I do hope my children go to college before they are 38, like me! 

[FaithManor]

No rent. My parents believed in providing a home for us when we were in college so I could be home on

break rent free. Since I took 18-21 credit hours per semester and was assigned 8 hrs. per day on both

piano and flute which meant pretty much eat, sleep, and practice during the summers, I could not

maintain a job. If my parents had charged rent, I would have had to change majors.

 

From college graduation to the wedding was three weeks so they did not charge me then either.

 

 

We've had three cross's country moves with dh's job or my music career and each time we moved near family.

Two of the three times we had to move with immediate hire dates so no time to look for housing. Each

time dear family members took us in while we went through the process of locating the riight house and

closing on it. No one wanted to charge us rent then either. So we would run down to the electric

company and pay the bill ourselves, buy groceries and cook, and off times buy something wanted for the

house like a new dishwasher.

 

That's just the culture of both families. Be a good house guest, help when you can. It works for us.

However, my parents would not suffer a lazy, moochers for long.

 

My brother, on the other hand, demands the key to his house back the day they turn 18 even if his kids

have not graduated yet. Since there are no jobs for high schoolers around here due to the economy

they have no means to pay him rent while they finish. So my parents take them in. Every single one. He's

got five kids four of whom have graduated and every single one my parents have housed for the rest of

their senior years plus during college breaks. They earn about 35,000 a year and my brother makes

105,000 but he does not give them one red cent for helping his kids finish high school. When it comes

to money, my brother is a green eyed monster.

[ktgrok]

I put other. 

 

When I was almost 30 I got divorced, and moved back home with my 6 year old son. I and my son needed the stability, not to mention a place to live. I lived there with no contributions other than helping with cleaning and groceries for the first several months. Then we sat down and had a discussion, and it was decided that I would pay the electric bill and the cell phone bill (they added me to their plan at very little cost when I got divorced) for the family, as my contribution to the household. So yes, I was paying, but it wasn't like they were charging me rent. I was just helping out with the bills as I was a grown adult, with a child, and had a job. 

 

Had I not been able to afford it they would not have asked it of me. More of a "each according to his means" type thing.  That said, if I couldn't afford it because I was being a slacker, THAT wouldn't have been tolerated. 

 

Oh, and in college I did live at home off and on, and never paid rent or bills. I think I finally moved out when I was 21.