Unhappy with gymnastics - need advice

[Faithr]

I haven't been here for a while and now I come soliciting advice.  

 

My youngest dd just made the All Star team at her gymnastics place.  She'd been taking recreational gymnastics there for a couple years and was invited to try out.  Well, she got onto the team and at first was elated.  This girl practices gymnastics ALL DAY LONG at home.  She loves it.  However, she has been having real trouble with one of the coaches and has come home crying about it.  Well, Monday she really was upset and begged not to go anymore.  I was going out of town to a conference so I didn't push it so she missed her other practices last week.  I have to make a decision about what to do.  I am thinking of just stopping with this place and trying another.  There's a club that seems to have an in between level (between rec and competitive) for older girls and that might be something we try out.  The thing is I just don't know what is going on.  I spoke to the one coach and she seemed mostly upfront but a tiny bit defensive but I thought that would clear it all up but things seemed to have gotten worse.  The one coach is just mean, I think.  My dd feels she picks on her.  She's the kind of coach that assumes the worst motivation for a kid's behavior, like my dd just wants to get out of working hard and that complaining about pain is sissy stuff or that she's lying to get out of doing things.  This is not like my dd at all, though my dd can be a drama queen and sometimes gets very convinced of her version of things which may or may not be accurate.  The one thing that really bothers me the most is that my dd was stretching trying to do the splits which she can't quite do one way and the coach had her hold the position for one minute and my dd says she was in bad pain and she shifted slightly because of the pain and the coach made her do it all over again for another minute so that my dd was fighting back tears.  To me this is just torturing a kid!  I know you have to keep working on it but not to the point where you are in agony.  Or maybe you do and we just aren't willing to go to that extreme.  My dd is a hard worker and really practices all the time.  She has made tremendous strides.  The coach kept saying she was improving quickly and that she has great potential.  Anyway, any advice or reassurance that I am doing the right thing by pulling her out and trying another place that maybe isn't so driven?  Maybe we just don't have that competitive drive necessary.

 

Very disheartening.  And really I am angry that these people took something that my dd just absolutely loves and made her absolutely miserable over it.

 

Anyway, I appreciate any feedback.  Thanks.

[Eagle]

I do not have children in gymnastics, so I am coming at this as a fellow parent, not a gymnastics expert.

 

It sounds like the All Star team expects very regimented practice and pushes the limits of what the children's bodies can do. That's probably normal if you are training at a competitive level. Unfortunately for your dd, it sounds like she is in a level that is no longer fun for her. She may have a love of the sport, but not the drive to do it in a highly competitive way. You mention another club that has an in-between level. Maybe give that a try and see of you can get her love of gymnastics to return. "All Star" may sound exciting, but not if it makes her dislike what was once a passion.

[Melissa B]

Can you or a family member sit in on practices?  I would watch the practices and see how things are going.  If parents are not allowed to watch practice, I would likely seek out another gym.  There is too much opportunity for abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.)

 

Having said that, there are tears during competitive gymnastics practices, especially at the beginning when a student is new to the raised expectations.  But certainly not every day. And the tears aren't generally out of pain, but rather frustration.

 

Also, it is very important that the athlete hold the proper position during splits even if the child cannot get all the way to the ground. And it does hurt. Shifting the leg so that the child can sit comfortable on the ground is counter-productive.  I sit in on some of the practices and do not have any complaints about our gym and yet if the athlete had shifted her leg to rest during splits she would be required to do the minute over again (and often her teammates would join her in the extra minute.) I have found that competitive gymnastics sometimes walks a fine line and it is not always easy to decide what is best for our child.  I often listen to my dd in these matters.  If after a few days of rest and reflection she was not eager to push on, I would begin to question our continuance in either gymnastics or at the very least, our current gym.  :grouphug:

[Mom22ns]

I would talk to parent of competitive clubs in your area. There are 5 gyms within 45 minutes of us. I know who the coaches are and the competitive philosophy of each. I could place your daughter in a gym where she would be happy right now. I would also tell you two gyms where she should not go. Both of those gyms are popular and competitively successful. Parent of kids at higher levels (optionals) will have been around long enough to give your honest and valuable feedback.

 

What your daughter is experiencing sounds like an average gymnastics gym. Holding splits without wiggling for 1 minute wouldn't be on my excessive list although I recognize it hurts for those that don't have their splits down. I know much more aggressively competitive coaches than that. I also know coaches who are all about gymnastics being fun and maximizing each child's potential while maintaining fun. You and your daughter have to decide what you want gymnastics to be like and then see if you can find that in your area. Sadly, if you aren't looking for super competitive, you may not be able to find an option.

[Holly]

I would look into different gyms...it doesn't hurt to at least pay a visit.  We've never had anything like this happen (we've been at two gyms).  I like coaches that push them without making it too hard or discouraging.  My DD complains about strength training, but she's never been in tears over it.  She also has great respect for her coaches...they find a way to be encouraging while correcting them.  We aren't at a super competitive gym, and I'm pretty sure she'll never be an Olympic gymnast, but I'm okay with that!   ;)  I love seeing her happy to go to practice each week and excited when her competition scores improve at meets.  Even without being super competitive, they still manage to do very well at meets.  

 

 

[Faithr]

Thanks, all.  The thing is my dd is crying just at the idea of going back.  I haven't mentioned to her in a couple of days though.  I am trying to come up with a reason to pursue this.  She does sometimes cry a few tears at being frustrated but then she bucks herself up and keeps trying until she gets it.  This kind of crying is a being miserable sort of crying.  How can you learn gymnastics if you don't trust your coaches?  Well, I'll talk to her about it tomorrow and we'll see.  She's got to go back to practices tomorrow afternoon, if she refuses then I think we'll just pull out and try this other place.

 

Thanks for the perspective on the splits thing.  I think if the coach had approached it with more respect, explaining it the way you did Mom2Ns (Debbie, my dd would probably have been cool with it, even though it is hard.  Instead it seems this coach likes to belittle and shout at the girls.  My dd feels like they lied to her.  The All Stars isn't as competitive as their top tier team and they billed it as 'fun'.  But she says Mom it isn't fun at all, the coaches are just yelling at us and acting like we are goofing off when we're not.  I don't put 100% trust in my dd's interpretation of things because she's 12 and a drama queen at times.  But on the other hand if she's so miserable, what the heck am I paying all this money for and doing all this driving for, so she cry and feel terrible about herself.  

 

Another thing is you can't sit and see them practice.  They have a tv up where you can watch the girls from waiting area but you can't hear what's going on.  So things might look okay (I've come early to watch or stayed for a while after I dropped her off) but then when I talk to her she's obviously upset.  She runs out to car and sits there crying.  

 

Not worth it, I don't think!  Life's too short and I have a million other things going on.  Don't need this silliness!

 

Thanks again!

[Mommy22alyns]

Also agreeing that the splits thing is normal.  It's a big step up from rec to competitive gymnastics.  Rebecca had an adjustment period with some aches and pains, but maybe cried once over conditioning.  She has had her HC push her down further in a middle split.

 

Not being able to watch practice isn't the best situation, but it is also very common.  Some parents (some) have a tendency to get all overbearing and shout corrections to their kids!  Some kids also perform differently if they have a parent watching.  The coaches want their full attention and best effort.

 

If she wants the higher level, I'd look into another gym because the coaching sounds a bit toxic.  Our coaches are tough, but never mean or rude.  Or she may just not want to make that leap, which is fine.  Sylvia lost interest in gymnastics real quick after her advanced rec class added conditioning.

[Faithr]

Thanks, Amber.  We just had a talk.  She doesn't want to go back.  She's decided that she likes gymnastics for fun but not competitively.  She wants to continue with a rec class but go back to doing track as well (something she enjoyed before she got so into gymnastics) and she wants voice and guitar lessons!  Being on a competitive would take up so much time and she really wants to do this other stuff too.  So all's well that end's well.  I'm going to let the gym place know tomorrow, they won't have her to kick around anymore (LOL!).

 

Thanks again!

[kristinannie]

My daughter has had a similar experience.  She made the pre-team.  After her first lesson, she was very upset and didn't want to go back.  She also said the splits hurt.  We had paid for a month (and that was a lot).  I told her that she needed to stick it out for a month.  We talked about how this class is more serious and is not going to be easy and fun.  I told her that after the month was over we could go back to the old class if she wanted.  By the end of the month, she loved the new class.  She just needed a chance to get used to the different expectations.  Now her split is so much better and she is just excited and not upset!

 

I would advise to stick it out and encourage her for at least a few weeks.  She might just need time to adjust.

[Faithr]

She's been at it for six weeks, 9 hours a week.  I am relieved at her decision!  I know she'll get those splits down all on her own.  She's working on it!  She's almost there as it is.

 

Anyway, thanks!

[SuzySparkle]

Unfortunately, there are sometimes personality conflicts among gymnasts and coaches (and gymnasts and other gymnasts!). What your dd sees as abusive, the coach may see as simply strict adherence to the rules. Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference as a parent.

 

My dd 10 just finished up her 2nd competitive year and 7th year overall of gymnastics. She loves the sport. She likes learning new tricks and hanging out with the other girls. However, at the end of this season, she came home crying one day. When I asked her why, she said that gymnastics just wasn't fun anymore. She went on to explain (after much prodding) that sometimes the coaches weren't nice. Like when they made her do her bar routine over and over because she kept missing a move or not having appropriate form.

 

Were the coaches mean to her? Probably. However, I realize that their goal is to make her ready when she stands (alone) on that floor/bar/beam/vault. The higher you go up the levels, the stricter they must be. The skills are difficult and dangerous and require precision. DD loved working on skills, but didn't have the motivation to put up with the hours and concentration required to continue up the levels. She just liked hanging out in the gym with her friends and learning new tricks.

 

It's all ok. We are exploring other interests now!

 

I'm happy that your dd is finding joy in other things. :)

[gracyomalley]

I agree that at 12, if a child doesn't LOVE gymnastics, then going to the competitive level is probably not "right" for them - the time commitment is astronomical, and the energy/personal determination required large too.  My daughter actually found the hours/workload/coaching differences much easier to deal with (as in she didn't actually even notice) when she was 9 than now at 11!  Different coaches are different, and there are some with shall we say draconian methods - but even her loving/kind/raised them from babies head coach who has worked with her from age 5 occ. seems "mean" to girls who haven't "grown up" in gym.  Proper technique is critical for safety and skill development in gym, and doing an exercise the wrong way teaches muscles to shape a way which later can cause both poor gymnastics, but more importantly pain or injury.  My daughter has spent 11 months working on her giants but not competing them because of an archy back....many girls at meets just "do it" with terrible arches that make me, as a pediatrician, cringe....I'd rather DD get frustrated, and maybe shed a tear here or there, than injured or more likely hit a wall with gym because she's not properly trained.  And if she ends up moving on to other interests because of these things - then that's what's right for her.

 

All that to say that it sounds like its wasn't the coach as much as the process/reality of competitive gym that wasn't right for your daughter - and part of life is figuring these things out for ourselves!

 

Wishing your dd good luck!

[Mommy22alyns]

Thanks, Amber.  We just had a talk.  She doesn't want to go back.  She's decided that she likes gymnastics for fun but not competitively.  She wants to continue with a rec class but go back to doing track as well (something she enjoyed before she got so into gymnastics) and she wants voice and guitar lessons!  Being on a competitive would take up so much time and she really wants to do this other stuff too.  So all's well that end's well.  I'm going to let the gym place know tomorrow, they won't have her to kick around anymore (LOL!).

 

Thanks again!

 

 

Great!  I'm glad you worked it out.  Sounds like she'll be a great multi-talented kid.