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[Lynnae]

I have no advice, but know you're not the only one in this situation. My oldest has a horrible time making friends, and my middle child is instantly loved by everyone he comes in contact with. I think you're doing everything you can do. But it stinks, for sure.

[sparrow]

:grouphug: You're not alone. In our case, it is also the oldest that has trouble making friends and the youngest makes a buddy wherever there are other children. It's hard to watch. It was, perhaps, easier for me because ds seems oblivious. It would break my heart if he were sad about it like your dd :( . I would definitely ask her to plan something special that the two of you can do together.

 

My dh always reminds me that he didn't have close friends until high school when I fret about ds.

[Tita Gidge]

Here's the thing - she's getting feedback on her personality.

 

She needs to feel comfortable sizing up a situation beforehand, and while there is nothing wrong with that ... there are going to be fallbacks to that choice. Just as there will be benefits. (It being no consolation now, typically this personality develops fewer but deeper friendships. Social butterflies tend to develop a higher number of more superficial friendships. Neither is better or worse, nor mutually exclusive. Each personality generally settles down with what is more comfortable and personally -if subconsciously- desireable.)

 

Fallbacks include not fitting in straight away. Appearing to not be having fun by staying back and observing, or otherwise acting shy. Appearing "too good" (not really snobby, but above things) as a defense against feeling uncomfortable or still evaluating a situation. Appearing bored when really feeling shy. These are things that would absolutely keep her from being invited back. And maybe because they come across as Debbie Downer, but also perhaps because the girls think they're doing her a favor by not subjecting her to their brand of fun.

 

My daughter just got out of the shower and I promised her doughnuts, but I may be back with more. This issue hasn't really come up in my own family because I have almost all boys, and either they don't notice or don't care. But I remember dealing with it as a sibling from my own childhood.

 

All I can think to suggest is to keep inviting girls over. Don't worry about anyone reciprocating (not that you are), just focus first on nurturing relationships. You can observe your daughter during these "hanging out sessions" and see exactly what you're working with. You can get a pulse on her status in the community by paying attention to acceptances, willingness, and frequency of playdates at your house. Using information from those two sources, you can come up with a plan. The plan is to encourage personal growth with respect to her inate personality traits.

 

We can accept our personality tendencies without being enslaved by them. It's not fun, easy, or comfortable but ... especially at her age ... I think she'll agree that it's worth breaking out of her comfort zone in the interest of meeting her emotional need for acceptance among peers (friends). I'd approach this just like a personal inventory. It can feel less criticizing and personal that way. I use the words "people" and "some" rather than "you" and "your ilk" LOL. In the meanwhile, keep inviting girls over - one or two at a time.

[Kebo]

Is there anyone else in her circle of friends that might have a bit of the same problem? Perhaps she could focus her attention on someone else who is NOT a social butterfly, and try to become really good friends with her. It might help her appreciate her own subtler personality if she can become close with someone who tends the same way.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd give her something to look forward to, even if I did all the hosting. Can you start a book club for her age or a standing hang-out time monthly? Or twice monthly?

 

I would also encourage her not to compare herself to her sister. It can lead to an unhealthy obsession. Her sister isn't the reason she's unhappy. Also, as they get older, I wouldn't insult her sister's personality by labeling all of the sister's friendships as 'superficial.' It's simply not true.

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[Joyofsixreboot]

I totally get it. My 9 yo weeps over her difficulty making friends. She is involved in plenty of activities, gets along, isn't bullied but just doesn't seem to connect with people. My 12 yo is the life of every party. I don't have a good answer.

[Kebo]

 

 

Interestingly you think this would be the answer. I tend not to gravitate towards people like this because um well 2 introverts...they kinda never get around to making a first move (or any move for that matter).

 

I thought of that, too ..... but not all introverts are quiet once you get to know them. It might work, with the right mix of personalities.

[ondreeuh]

I totally get it. My 9 yo weeps over her difficulty making friends. She is involved in plenty of activities, gets along, isn't bullied but just doesn't seem to connect with people. My 12 yo is the life of every party. I don't have a good answer.

 

This was my dd too. She was accepted, but not sought after her. I think in her case, she was a little reserved because she was afraid of doing something embarrassing. So since she didn't seem engaged, she was easily left out when kids made plans. As she grew up she had more experiences where she was thrown into a new group of kids (camps, classes) and she figured out how to be more outgoing. She is still a little self-conscious but she actively makes plans and is asked to hang out by a variety of people. She has several people who consider her their best friend. But 9 was so hard! I remember clearly comforting my dd as she wept over the fact that when she got up the guts to ask someone over, they often already had plans (that didn't include her).