Please don't blast me- parenting help with a 6 yr old- no spanking suggestions please

[Colleen]

Even if he did not know what that word [kill] meant, he clearly knew that it meant something bad. He wanted to do something bad to his mother because she took the music player away. And he expressed wanting to get rid of her, get her out of the house, etc., on other occasions.

 

Right. Of course a young child can't wrap their minds around the concept and finality of death. In that sense, "kill" may not be spoken with full understanding, but the emotion behind the sentiment ~ the desire to do something bad ~ is there, regardless.

 

Frankly, I think it's truly *shocking* that so many people consider this "age-appropriate" behavior. I strongly disagree with that. I think it's a serious problem that needs serious attention.

 

Yes, I agree. I've been thinking a good deal about this thread. The behavior described concerns me very much, and I feel worried about this little boy and burdened for the original poster. For the life of me, I can't find anything remotely funny or cute about any of this.

[nmoira]

Right. Of course a young child can't wrap their minds around the concept and finality of death. In that sense, "kill" may not be spoken with full understanding, but the emotion behind the sentiment ~ the desire to do something bad ~ is there, regardless.

How do you know he desires to do something bad? Sounds to me like he's feeling powerless and frustrated (normal feelings for 6).

 

Yes, I agree. I've been thinking a good deal about this thread. The behavior described concerns me very much, and I feel worried about this little boy and burdened for the original poster. For the life of me, I can't find anything remotely funny or cute about any of this.

I think that we to give his parent more credit for providing context and understanding what's going on with her son:

 

He is frustrated and I know that he wants his way and he wants it now. He has not figured out how to appropriately express his frustration and he is still learning about logical and natural consequences both good and bad. He is frustrated that he can't be the dictator. This child is extremely smart with math and reading, but emotionally he seems to be a little on the slow side.

I'd be worried if he were violent with others or with himself. Threats in the context of frustration? No. Does it need to be dealt with? Yes, but maturation is a process and IMHO what he needs most of all is love, guidance, and modeling of appropriate behavior.

[Jugglin'5]

Well, sure....if I actually thought he understood what 'kill' means. The OP added that she asked him if he did and he said no. I think it is behavior that needs to be dealt with, but I do not believe he is 'abnormal'.

 

And I still think some of things he said were funny. I wouldn't tell HIM that, but funny nonetheless.

 

 

:iagree:I agree. Some kids have a high sense of drama and a good ear for a phrase that will get attention. That said, I also agree that it has to be nipped in the bud because it won't be funny when they are older. I had two out of my five that would occasionally try a stunt like that. I would have to go to my room so that they wouldn't see me laugh, and then solemnly call them in for a spanking. Spanking did the trick for us, but maybe OP just needs to really think up a consequence that will really make him pay attention. Only OP can really know what his buttons are - food, reading, playing outside? Also, maybe really laying on the attention and affection when you "catch" him speaking respectfully.

[Laura Corin]

Hello Marisa

 

Was it you who gave me rep, and asked about the way I manage my kids? If so, I highly recommend Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. It mostly focuses on older kids, but the philosophy/management suggestions it gives were a revelation to me, and have formed the basis for how I try (imperfectly) to deal with my sons.

 

Hobbes is (in my mother's words) 'a handful', but has responded beautifully to non-punitive methods. Calvin is really easy, but I am glad not to be too tempted to use punishments when he occasionally steps out of line.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Joanne]

Frankly, I think it's truly *shocking* that so many people consider this "age-appropriate" behavior. I strongly disagree with that. I think it's a serious problem that needs serious attention.

 

I have to admit over the years, I've cringed whenever I've read that kids say "kill you" or violent phrases. My kids have never done that, it evokes a visceral response in me. It even makes me jump to conclusions about what the child has been exposed to in media or adult example.

 

However, I've encountered enough people over the years whose children *do* utter such phrases; people whose parenting and approach I respect, admire and trust. In that regard, I'm willing to believe that some of this may be within normal developmental ranges and *not* a symptom of a large problem or the child's processing of adult dysfunction.

 

 

 

Every time ds doesn't like something that is said to him he will usually demand something along the lines of "Don't say that mean thing to me." Or he will threaten me that he is going to have Daddy talk to me about being mean to him. Sometimes if he is really mean he says something like, "If you do that I will smote off your head." or "I will have to think of a good consequence for you because that is not ok!" (none of this is a repeat of something I have said to him except the consequence, we have had to think of consequences once or twice).

Today he said, "If you do that (keep his music player because he would not turn it down after being asked politely to turn it down and then arguing that it wasn't possible that I heard it from the other side of the house) then I will kill you after rest time!"

 

This first bolded part is very, very normal. Not acceptable, of course, but normal.

 

The second bolded part seems also normal and notice it is *sometimes* the child threatens smoting. In context, I do not pick up an actual *threat*, but an immature (and, yes, unacceptable) way of expressiong "MOM, I don't like your decision!".

 

The final bolded part is on one hand disturbing, but on another, I get the humor! I think it's funny he threatens "to kill" after compliance (rest time).

 

I think the smote and kill words, in this context and with the info we know, are unsophisticated, 6 year old hyperbole.

 

There *are* circumstances in which I'd be concerned with similar phrasing and language, but my gut tells me this is not one of them.

 

That said, I'd stop it immediately and redirect verbally.

[Scarlett]

The final bolded part is on one hand disturbing, but on another, I get the humor! I think it's funny he threatens "to kill" after compliance (rest time).

 

I found myself laughing AGAIN when I read this post of yours. Initially, when I read the OP's first post, that is the part that I found just hysterical---that he was going down for a nap first and THEN---WATCH OUT MOM!

 

I've been dealing with my own high drama son, age 8, for over an hour now. I have decided to not let him read any more of a popular series of books due to some of the content and he is VERY unhappy. Some of the things he has said in the last hour.

 

I wish I was dead!

 

I will never read another book!

 

I will not eat or read until I can read those books!

 

Just spank me mom! (I could never figure out this one)

 

Along with tears and turned out lip, and pleading. When he said he wished he was dead, I asked him calmly if he knows what that means.(I know he knows). Yes, he said, it means I won't exist. I told him that was a very disrespectful way to talk about the precious gift of life God has given him. That gave him pause.

 

I don't know what to do with him. However, I do know that a)he doesn't really want to die b) he will read again c) he certainly will eat again d) he doesn't really want a spanking.