Why is it so hard

[Liz CA]

to remain friends with a couple that is divorcing?

We have known them for the better part of twenty years. Our children were born in the same year (the oldest).

Now they are divorcing and the people that have emerged (especially one :glare:) is not a person I recognize.

Why does it bother me so much? It's none of my business.

Why do some of the things that have been said, make me angry when I have no part in it? How will we continue to be friends when it's over? Or will we?

Darn it. Detachment is a good thing!

[Ashleen]

When I was getting married, the pastor told us in our premarital counseling session that a marriage isn't just between two people, it's a community thing. That's why we have family and friends gather and promise to help us uphold our vows. And you know, at the time it sounds like nonsense and you think, "Yeah, whatever, it's private between me and the man I'm marrying." But it's really not. There really are other people involved. A few years ago when a couple we know got divorced, I was really thinking about that, thinking that when she had her affair she thought that was a private act but in fact she was hurting an extended group of people, some of whom were children who were now losing an aunt and even hurting her own son. I guess what I'm saying is that it's not unusual to be upset by someone else's divorce because our lives really do affect other people and my pastor was right: a marriage is not completely private, but something that affects a community.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Amy in NH]

So sorry.

 

My thoughts - take them or leave them:

 

These are people you both love. And it is frustrating and scary to watch them tear each other apart. It is hurtful, because you love them both. And if they've been so good together for so long, and they didn't make it... then maybe that could happen to you too. And some of the things they say to each other resonate just a tiny bit with things in your own relationship. And it's hurtful and scary. And you just want to turn away to avoid the unpleasantness. But you feel like you wouldn't really be a good friend if you turned away, so you feel a little guilty for wanting to, and still feel mayb even worse and possibly a little resentful that you have to watch the train wreck. And maybe they want you to take sides, and maybe you want to too a little bit, but you love them both. And it sucks.

 

And it sucks even worse to be in their shoes.

[Doran]

to remain friends with a couple that is divorcing?

We have known them for the better part of twenty years. Our children were born in the same year (the oldest).

Now they are divorcing and the people that have emerged (especially one :glare:) is not a person I recognize.

Why does it bother me so much? It's none of my business.

Why do some of the things that have been said, make me angry when I have no part in it? How will we continue to be friends when it's over? Or will we?

Darn it. Detachment is a good thing!

 

 

I feel as if I'm in the midst of a war zone lately with friends' marriages coming apart all around me. It's a devastating process, and the character of the adults involved often turns quite ugly. I don't know if it's just human nature (a defense mechanism that causes "us" to put up a fight rather than going down too easily) or if it's greed (splitting up the money always seems most contentious), but it sure is disturbing to witness what goes on. In my case, I have not yet been able to remain friends with both people very effectively. Generally, it has been the woman who has appeared to remain more true to herself while the man, apparently feeling cornered, has devolved into someone I never saw before. I realize that is mostly because the woman and I were the better friends to begin with, so that's where the strength of relationship lay. But, that doesn't make it right, or easy. And, there's always a side to the story I never completely understand.

 

I would advise you to remain as impartial as possible, at least outwardly. Whichever party you are finding to be the most difficult to love...or to like...you simply need to continue to do your best to remain civil, to not shut him or her out, to paint on a smile and hug them when you see them. Know that they are in so much pain, and pain often makes us do crazy things. Once the dust has settled - a year out from where things are today, perhaps - it may become easier to maintain a friendship with both individuals, or to break off a friendship with one or the other if it comes to that. Right now, just do your best to love the parts you are still able to love, identify with the things you understand, and walk tenderly into or around the things that are so troubling.

 

I'm sorry. I do so understand. In fact I find I have tears welling up just now as I contemplate the fact that two of our very closest friends have recently begun working towards separation. They're hoping it will be a time to allow them to heal what is broken. They aren't calling it "over". But, it's still awful to walk into this with them. I feel for you.

[kls126s]

I absolutely understand where you are. :grouphug:

 

Same thing here - we have known them for years and count them as two of our closest friends. Our kids call them aunt and uncle. A year and a half ago they split up and we were just devastated. One of them turned into someone I just can't even recognize as the person I knew. We didn't even tell our daughter until yesterday - (we just kept seeing them individually and telling her the other wasn't here today). The person we've been able to stay in touch with came through town and wanted us to meet their new love interest. I had to tell her so she wasn't surprised to see them with the wrong person and she just cried and cried. And Ashleen is right - it's a community. They were in a public role and they have hurt so many people.

 

It's heartbreaking. :crying:

[Liz CA]

... because our lives really do affect other people and my pastor was right: a marriage is not completely private, but something that affects a community.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

This is sooo true! And it is certainly something I did not realize either at the time I was married. We are "just" the friends but there will be nieces and nephews and sisters and brothers-in-law that will be left in the unenviable position of having to choose sides.At least - I hope we will be able to still remain friends with both of them. We do not live very close together but used to visit each other a couple of times a year.

I absolutely understand where you are. :grouphug:

 

The person we've been able to stay in touch with came through town and wanted us to meet their new love interest. I had to tell her so she wasn't surprised to see them with the wrong person and she just cried and cried. And Ashleen is right - it's a community. They were in a public role and they have hurt so many people.

 

It's heartbreaking. :crying:

This is something I am not even thinking about! In fact, it had not even occurred to me. I better mentally prepare for this one. SIGH.

 

Doran - somehow I could not quote from your message because I still have not completely mastered this board :tongue_smilie: - I think you hit it right on the head with the statement that we will likely be better friends with one than the other. I suppose, it's normal that as a woman I gravitate toward the other woman, even though I think she could have given it a better chance - dh has enjoyed the friendship of the man. We will have to muddle through and see what happens.

 

Amy: Everything you wrote rang a bell, some louder than others. And it explained why I had some of those feelings even though I am just a bystander.

 

Thank you all for your wisdom!

[mommylawyer]

I think that, if you and DH decide to try to remain friends with either or the both of them, you need to make sure that they understand that they are not to use your friendship to juxtapose you against their former spouse. Many divorcing couples do that with their children, and I believe many more are capable of doing that with their friends.

 

Also, you may need to let them know that you do not intend to play a role in their divorce. You won't be signing affidavits for one or the other. You won't testify in court. You won't be present when they are dividing their stuff. That's not going to be your role.

 

However, you may need to be the shoulder to cry on - just try to keep your distance emotionally. If the wife needs to confide in you, be straight with her: she can spill her guts and you will listen because that's what friends do; you will not share anything she says with her husband; but you need to comfort her the best way you can without being negative toward her husband.

 

All easier said than done.

Good luck!

[Mom to Aly]

So sorry.

 

My thoughts - take them or leave them:

 

These are people you both love. And it is frustrating and scary to watch them tear each other apart. It is hurtful, because you love them both. And if they've been so good together for so long, and they didn't make it... then maybe that could happen to you too. And some of the things they say to each other resonate just a tiny bit with things in your own relationship. And it's hurtful and scary. And you just want to turn away to avoid the unpleasantness. But you feel like you wouldn't really be a good friend if you turned away, so you feel a little guilty for wanting to, and still feel mayb even worse and possibly a little resentful that you have to watch the train wreck. And maybe they want you to take sides, and maybe you want to too a little bit, but you love them both. And it sucks.

 

And it sucks even worse to be in their shoes.

 

 

Thank you for saying all of this!!

 

First of all, to all the rest of you--you have no idea what any of it is like! My xh of 16 years of marriage left for someone else, took every penny we'd ever had, left me more than $80,000 in debt, and that is with our, at the time, 4 yo dd!!! I've never understood how he could do that to her--me, that is one thing, but her??? No way! You think that one of the people is unlike you thought? I lived with this man for 16 years, and I swear he turned into a creature I never knew--I found out he had been cheating for more than two years, lying to my face all the time, he became a monster with our daughter (he is not even allowed to talk to her on the phone now, has not seen her in more than two years and really doesn't care, from what I can tell, never calls to even ask how she is).

 

What shocked me almost as much is what our "friends" did--he never had many friends--not many people liked him. Most of the couples we knew were more my friends--but then, suddenly, they weren't. It is just like Amy said, suddenly they seemed uncomfortable, I'd talk with the women about things I had overlooked, that now meant so much, and they'd look nervous, or mention that their husbands would never do that, then they'd change the subject. They'd call less, or be "busy" when I called, and slowly, or not so slowly, I discovered they weren't really my friends anymore.

 

So, in a very short time, I found I'd lost my husband, and most of the friends I'd had that were couples. And some of the friends I'd had that were married women. Which meant most of my friends.

 

I had changed. I'd been abandoned. My life partner had lied to me, had cheated on me, had robbed me of every penny we'd had, had blackmailed me into no spousal support (with the threat of fighting me on homeschooling), had terrorized my daughter, who had gone through more pain than you should ever have to see your daughter go through, and he had flaunted his new, young, thin girlfriend in front of me while telling me how fat and disgusting I had become, and how I had driven him into her arms, and how happy he was to have left.

 

And if all of that had made me the kind of person my old "friends" couldn't be around, I'm sorry--that's life. Unfortunately, that was my life. I would have loved to have changed it. Not him living. But the circumstances. Especially financial;).

 

You guys have said you feel pretty much betrayed or abandoned by these people--you have no idea what it is to go through this! The person you thought you would be with the rest of your life, your soul mate, your other half, has left you, or you have split up, or whatever, and your life has been blown apart. If you have kids it is even worse. If someone has been betrayed multiply that by a million.

 

As for introducing someone new into their lives, it has been 5 years, and I haven't quite recovered enough to think about that yet, but I'm hoping someday, when his horrible words are gone, and the emotional and verbal abuse has been truly conquered, I can consider going on a date without wanting to pull my tongue out. Not yet. For the time being, my friends don't have to worry about meeting anyone new.

[kls126s]

Thank you for saying all of this!!

 

 

You guys have said you feel pretty much betrayed or abandoned by these people--you have no idea what it is to go through this! The person you thought you would be with the rest of your life, your soul mate, your other half, has left you, or you have split up, or whatever, and your life has been blown apart.

 

Oh my. :crying: I'm sorry you've felt this thread so personally - most of us don't identify with your pain. Please forgive me for saying anything hurtful. It's a good reminder to keep in mind that there are hurting people in the middle of the circumstances too.

[Mom to Aly]

I didn't mean to jump on anyone, but it did seem hurtful, a lot of the things that were said, and it did hurt to read them. You guys are saying it is hard on you--you cannot imagine, and I hope you never experience, what it is like to be on the other side.