Any words of encouragement?

[readinmom]

Ds returned to ps this semester. He is having a great time and has friends, plays sports, etc. His grades however, are dismal, and I use that term lightly. I don't get it, I don't understand why a brilliant kid would find this acceptable. We don't. He has lost all of his privileges, understands the consequences, knows that he will have to leave at the semester because he is on a transfer that requires a certain gpa. We have finals this week, with his hardest tests (math/bio) tomorrow. What is he doing? Apparently nothing. He is at the table with his notes, but everytime I glance up, he is off somewhere (water, bathroom, petting the dog, etc.)

 

Everyone tells me that it's not a reflection of parenting, or the values that we have tried to instill in our children. Dh and I are nice, responsible people. We work hard.

 

Anyone been through this, survived, and lived to tell the tale? Please send me some encouragement, if you have some. I know that ten years from now, we'll laugh about this. I hope...

[Rosie_0801]

Virtually everyone here who was ever fifteen has lived long enough to tell the tale. ((hugs))

[maize]

We have finals this week, with his hardest tests (math/bio) tomorrow. What is he doing? Apparently nothing. He is at the table with his notes, but everytime I glance up, he is off somewhere (water, bathroom, petting the dog, etc.)

 

 

I would actually interpret this behavior not as an "I don't care" attitude, but as a sign of stress. When I am stressed about something my mind automatically tries to avoid thinking about the stressful thing--so I think about everything else. It's a sort of unconscious avoidance behavior, and I personally think it underlies a lot of what we call ADHD in kids. My personal guess is that your son is overwhelmed by the whole school academics situation, and so his brain has been avoiding thinking/doing anything about it as a self defense mechanism against stress. As the situation has deteriorated--bad grades, behind in studying, etc., the defense mechanism is activated more and more.

I would treat it not as a character issue but as a sign that he needs much more scaffolding at this point to help him find more productive ways of tackling academic work and stress. Help with planning, time management, study skills like reading the chapter before attending class lectures. Be grateful he is still young and you have time to help him gain these skills.

I've BTDT, not yet as a parent but as a student. I really didn't want to fail--but I felt like I had been thrown into a pool and told to swim when I didn't know how. But you wouldn't have guessed that was how I felt from my outward demeanor. You would have thought I just didn't care. I did learn eventually and managed college much better than high school, but it would have helped a lot to have someone holding my hand along the way and teaching me the skills I needed, instead of just yelling at me from the sidelines to get my act together and swim.

[Gwen in VA]

Give him sympathy and chocolate.

 

Then, if he needs the reminder, remind him of the ramifications of doing poorly (if he doesn't need the reminder, skip this step!)

 

Then let him make his decision on how he will prepare. It's his life, and he has the right to make decisions that may not (in our eyes) be "best" for him.

 

Then sit back and see how he does. If he does well, celebrate with him! And if he doesn't, ask him about his "Plan B" and encourage him on that road.

 

Sometimes kids need to be given the latitude to fail in order to appreciate the benefits of NOT failing! And sometimes teens take the LONG way to a goal. And sometimes they have a different goal in mind.....

 

Hugs. And have some chocolate yourself!

[caroljenn]

Ugh. So sorry you have to go through this. My ds was the same way, from 7-12 grade. He is very bright, and got through English and History okay because it was easy for him. But the other subjects, all of them, were a disaster. We took everything possible away from him and he couldn't have cared less. Anything that took effort was too hard for him and he refused to do it. He would get an A in English and Ds and Fs in everything else. He barely graduated.

 

Because he is smart, he realized what he was doing- I think he was just too immature to do anything about it. He was actually incapable of bringing himself up and out. He realized that he had completely blown any chance at college and didn't want to be a waiter his whole life, so he joined the Navy. Now that he's on delayed entry (everyone does D.E.) he is realizing that he probably should have gone to community college and started his life.

 

DH and I just threw our hands up in defeat- there sometimes is nothing you can do to help your kids not make stupid decisions. Ds learns by experience. He has no foresight. He is smart enough to know not to do life-threatening things, or stupid skateboard stunts and stuff like that, but everything else? Experience is the only thing that will make him learn. Here's another great example, of this just turned 19 year old, who really should be maturing by now- he is taking an 8 week class at the community college in BIOLOGY this January. He barely passed Biology (D or D minus) when he had a year in high school to take it. I told him over and over to take an English class but he wouldn't listen. I told him he has to get a C to pass. He says its going to "be easy" and that he "knows he has to work at it". Mmm hmmm - right. He won't pass, and he will learn. And life will go on.

 

Good luck with your ds-he probably needs some time to mature like my ds. I am sending hugs to you because I know how it feels to watch your kids make stupid decisions and seemingly not care. But life will go on, and if he messes up his own future, he will be the one to live with the consequences. How many parents wish that they could make their teenagers more mature? All of them! Haha! Wishing your son the best.

[Trilliums]

I think Maize might be onto something with the stress.

 

I also have a DS who started 9th grade this year. He was homeschooled k-8. It was a huge transition, sometimes overwhelmingly so. He has not had the same issues you mention for your son, but he did have other issues to work through. He needed support in many ways and we had to talk through things (and he is not a talker by nature, so even that was hard for him). He needed to learn new skills to navigate many of the issues of the public school system.

 

DS has a good friend also in 9th grade, always psed who just never does her homework. We have talked about it several times (and she is very open about discussing it) and I think she is afraid of the failure. If she only does a cruddy job and gets a cruddy grade, she doesn't feel bad about it because she can justify her bad grade. If she tries hard and doesn't do well, then she feels bad about herself. Not saying this is what is going on with your son, but this is a situation where I see a very bright child getting by with Ds and Cs despite being capable of much more.

 

Best wishes for a happy outcome.

[readinmom]

Thanks for the good points. A "D" on his biology final, and an "F" on his math final. What can I say? I know it's a combination of many things, but probably the maturity and just motivation. Live and learn.