S/O--Question for pastors and pastors' wives

[Mrs Twain]

Question for pastors and pastors' wives--

 

I read through the other thread regarding pastors' wives yesterday. I was wondering if you could give advice about how to be a good lay person in a church. It sounds like the pastors and their wives are exhausted and stressed out by their congregations. If someone wants to be a blessing to the pastor and his wife rather than a burden, what should he do and what should he not do?

 

TIA

[Clear Creek]

It would be a blessing if you would pray for them and ask them what their prayer needs are. Everyone brings their prayer needs to the pastor and his wife, but very few reciprocate. My husband does not mind at all praying for the members of his congregation, but it really touches him when one of the church members offers to pray for him. Invite them into your home for dinner; so often they are expected to show hospitality to the members of the congregation, but so very few show any hospitality back.

 

Hmm, not do...there is a can of worms! :lol: Don't hold the pastor, his wife, or their children to higher standards than you would any other member of the congregation. They are human, too! Their children will throw tantrums, the pastor's wife will shriek like a harpy at them, and the pastor just might cuss if he hits his thumb with a hammer. Don't ask the pastor for money when you are having money problems; in many churches the pastor is not the treasurer and doesn't have access to the church's money so any money he gives you will be from his own pocket (if your church does not have elders or deacons who are in charge of the money, then disregard the previous). Don't assume that your pastor has all kinds of free time during the week to help you load your u-haul/give your kids a ride somewhere/help install your new appliance/fix your leaky faucet/etc. If he offers to help you, that's fine, but he does not sit around all week waiting to do odd jobs for the congregation (not to mention that there are 50 other families also trying to fill up his time with their odd jobs as well). Don't bring every little problem in the church to him; bring those problems to the people who can fix them. If there is a problem with the church bulletin, tell the person who does them; if there is a problem with the building, tell the person in charge of maintenance; if Suzy is dressing like a floozy, tell Suzy; if the music is too loud/quiet/modern/old, tell the person in charge of worship; if someone upsets you, go to that person.

 

And above all, please do not call during dinner time unless it is a *true* life and death emergency. Respect for their family time is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

[Jennifer in MI]

Thank you for asking!!!! Really. This means a lot (said from a priest's wife who has had a REALLY tough day OFF as a parishoner has made a day incredibly difficult).

 

To do: Pray for your pastor/priest and his family. Ask them what their prayer needs are. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Often. I can't tell you how much those prayers/words are needed and appreciated. Pray for your church. Continue to support your church.

 

Things we appreciate: Surprise them with a dinner. Gift certificate. Offer to babysit their kids so they can go out. Invite them over for something not religious. They are normal people. They like normal things. Baseball. Football. They like being invited to parties that revolve around "normal" things!

 

Don't do: Please don't buy religious nicknacks. We have enough.

 

Don't gossip. If you have an issue, go to the pastor/priest. Please.

 

Don't threaten to cut their pay by a percentage that would debilitate them. Ask me how I know that this can totally an utterly destroy their day. . . .

[Jennifer in MI]

Respect for their family time is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

 

:iagree::iagree: My dh has had to miss our Christmas dinner numerous times. It's tough. But, if it's an emergency, he'll be there and I don't begrudge him that. But, family time on a daily basis needs to be respected.

[Sunshine State Sue]

IMO, the most helpful thing you can do is to be a responsible and dependable volunteer. In other words, follow through on any commitments you make to the church. Be rock solid.

[Starr]

Thank you for asking!!!! Really. This means a lot (said from a priest's wife who has had a REALLY tough day OFF as a parishoner has made a day incredibly difficult).

 

To do: Pray for your pastor/priest and his family. Ask them what their prayer needs are. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Often. I can't tell you how much those prayers/words are needed and appreciated. Pray for your church. Continue to support your church.

 

Things we appreciate: Surprise them with a dinner. Gift certificate. Offer to babysit their kids so they can go out. Invite them over for something not religious. They are normal people. They like normal things. Baseball. Football. They like being invited to parties that revolve around "normal" things!

 

Don't do: Please don't buy religious nicknacks. We have enough.

 

Don't gossip. If you have an issue, go to the pastor/priest. Please.

 

Don't threaten to cut their pay by a percentage that would debilitate them. Ask me how I know that this can totally an utterly destroy their day. . . .

 

 

Oh Jennifer, this hasn't happened in years but it is the worst! I'm so sorry.

 

And the religious knicknacks. :lol: so true.

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh Jennifer, this hasn't happened in years but it is the worst! I'm so sorry.

 

And the religious knicknacks. :lol: so true.

 

Yup. It happened today. Seriously? Dh's day off. He spent the day defending himself. His salary (he hasn't had a pay increase in more than five years). Everything. He's spent his day off (his ONLY day off, I might add - a day where he spends a lot of his time volunteering at his kids' activities) making calls . . . I'll PM you.;

 

OP - Don't do this to your pastor. Seriously. They will want to leave your church. They will want to reduce the hours they work. It is HORRIBLE for morale.

[imagine.more]

Ita with the previous suggestions! I had to laugh at the religious knick-knacks comment because it is so true! Lol!

 

Other things are basically understand that a pastors family is made up of individuals with their own beliefs and personalities. Pastors wives usually have non-seminary degrees and/or non-ministry careers. Heck, i'm not even lutheran but people assume my views are the same as my husband. This makes it difficult for me when people assume i want to lead bible study (as if i'm the one with the theology degree) or teach sunday school (um, i don't belong to your church) lol! Our kids are not pastors kids, they are little boys with unique personalities just acting their age... Which leads to one way to help, realize while you eat breakfast as a family and drive off to church, then sit for an hour with your husband and kids before going home to watch football your pastor likely woke at 6am to get to church, leaving his wife to feed the kids and get everyone ready and out the door on time by herself only to be bombarded by 1 million personal questions and then sit alone in a pew with small kids to wrestle before going home frazzled alone and getting everyone lunch. So any help with calming an antsy 4 year old or distracting a noisy toddler from yelling and pointing 'daddy!' is appreciated ;)

 

Oh, and definitely do not threaten salary, realize that a) you are one member, not the whole church and b) your pastor has a family to feed and cannot focus on ministry when financial stress gets to be too much. We have literally had a church member tell my dh "you have to do what we want because we pay your salary". Oy, definitely not cool. Most pastors have been on public assistance too so don't push an anti-public assistance opinion in front of them. It's difficult to be on wic and have a church member complain about lazy wic mothers or those people "living high off of food stamps".

[mytwomonkeys]

Yup. It happened today. Seriously? Dh's day off. He spent the day defending himself. His salary (he hasn't had a pay increase in more than five years). Everything. He's spent his day off (his ONLY day off, I might add - a day where he spends a lot of his time volunteering at his kids' activities) making calls . . . I'll PM you.;

 

OP - Don't do this to your pastor. Seriously. They will want to leave your church. They will want to reduce the hours they work. It is HORRIBLE for morale.

 

:grouphug: ugh, i can't imagine. that's really terrible. i'm so sorry, jennifer.

[FO4UR]

Treat them like normal people. Respect their privacy. The ministry is *extremely* isolating.

 

 

When (not if:tongue_smilie:) gossip about the pastor and/or family surfaces, be an extinguisher. (Same goes for deacons and other church members. Gossip and slander are murder for a church.) "If it isn't true, if it isn't kind, if it isn't necessary, don't say it!" I teach that quote to my kids and I wish all church members kept that in their minds before they start to talk. If you can spread that around your congregation, it will help.

 

Along the similar lines, when meetings take place there are always a few in every group that will derail the intended purpose. Pastors are always thankful for those who help get the conversation back on track.

 

And read up about Forced Exits. Stand up to the Control and Power People in the church. Understand the dynamics that go into those power-plays...and understand that the Control and Power People will continue to strike down pastor after pastor unless there is resistance from others in the congregation. The pastor may do something that merits a job loss, but *most often* a pastor leaves a church b/c it is not possible to minister in a situation that has become hostile. (And much of the church will be completely unaware...these are situations where a venerated member uses abusive tactics to push an agenda - threatening SALARY is a perfect example!:glare:, or prevent the "opposite side" from pushing theirs...and the pastor is in the middle trying to manage, becoming the scape-goat.)

 

 

 

Make their dc feel welcome. Talk to them like you would your nieces and nephews. Their extended family is far away.

[FO4UR]

Yup. It happened today. Seriously? Dh's day off. He spent the day defending himself. His salary (he hasn't had a pay increase in more than five years). Everything. He's spent his day off (his ONLY day off, I might add - a day where he spends a lot of his time volunteering at his kids' activities) making calls . . . I'll PM you.;

 

OP - Don't do this to your pastor. Seriously. They will want to leave your church. They will want to reduce the hours they work. It is HORRIBLE for morale.

 

 

Google Forced Exits.

 

 

Before your dh communicates on the issue any more, plan a meeting with *Said Person(s)* and a mediator. This mediator needs to be a person outside of your church, but someone highly respected in your community...someone *Said Person(s)* would be utterly mortified to act like an idiot in his/her presence...someone who is not easily manipulated by emotionally abusive tactics. Mediator should come prepared to take notes or record the meeting. Then, communicate and come to a conclusion - an agreement.

 

 

Definitely!!!!! Do NOT make any decisions based on conversations with just your dh and *Said Person(s)*!!!

 

 

:grouphug: