Help me think this through....may send DS to school.

[Canadianmumof5]

We are very seriously considering sending DS11 back to school as early as next Monday.

 

We pulled him out of our local Catholic school in the middle of grade 3. There were a number of issues including a teacher that was a bully who thought that DS was "probably bright but not my brightest", in spite of him being ID'd as gifted in grade 1 and supposedly on an IEP to challenge him. We also had some other bullying issues going on with other kids that the school literally refused to deal with. So we pulled him, and he finished the year at a private school.

 

We have been homeschooling for the last 2 years and while it has gone well, he is a challenge for me. He is smart but lazy. We have tried lots of different things over the last 2 years and I just can't seem to get him motivated. I know it is an age thing too, at this point.

 

The last few weeks have been exhausting for me. This pregnancy has been much harder physically so I don't have the energy that I've had previously. And I feel like just letting someone else take on this challenge.

 

He does the bare minimum to get by, and gets annoyed when I push him. He has/is taking a few online classes which I thought would help so that he gets feedback from someone besides me. But he does half-a$$ work and still gets A+ on all of his work :confused: I know he can do better but the instructors think he is doing really well. So it has just been reinforcement for him to put in minimal effort. It drives me crazy!!

 

Same for pretty much every other subject.

 

DH had wanted him back in school this year (grade 6) but I was able to convince him to keep him home and re-evaluate for grade 7. Now I am thinking he needs to go back. But he is going to be WAY ahead of his peers so he won't be learning a whole lot.

 

We are taking him out for dinner tonight to discuss all of this. I am so torn. I want him home for all of the same reasons I've had him home for the last 2 years; but I am growing really frustrated with his lack of effort and my lack of energy in being able to help him more.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

ETA: I have a really bad history of making stupid decisions when pregnant. Think new cars, almost a new house......

Edited September 12, 2012 by CanadianMumof4

[Catwoman]

As long as he's doing well in his classes, stop worrying about his lack of motivation. He's just being a normal kid.

 

I can't imagine that it would be less work to get him off to school every morning, and then deal with homework and extra-curricular activities afterward.

 

Please try to think of your son's intelligence as a wonderful gift that he will use to its fullest when he's truly interested in something. You can't force a kid to be motivated -- and if he's going to be way ahead of the other kids in school, he will be horribly bored and unhappy, so I don't envision him getting motivated there, either.

 

I think you're placing unreasonable expectations on him. Just because you would be motivated, doesn't mean that he has to be. If he was failing at his schoolwork, I would view this entirely differently, but having a smart kid who just wants to do the minimum right now, isn't the end of the world. I know it's frustrating when you know that a child can achieve a lot, yet he doesn't seem to care, but I think he's just being a typical 11yo.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Catwoman

[SJ.]

I'm not sure sending him to school will cure his lack of motivation but it may help with your sanity. I purchased a book today titled A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children and there is a chapter titled "Motivation, Enthusiasm, and Underachievement." I think you are not alone in parenting a gifted child who lacks motivation. I hope someone here can help you.

[Chris in VA]

Hugs! It sounds like it's really wearing you down.

 

I can't see, really, how it will accomplish your goals, to send him to school. You say he will not be learning a whole lot.

 

Perhaps you can find a tutor for a class or two? Give the most stressful class to someone else until January?

 

Can you enlist Dad's help? Mine would get after my son a bit, ensuring he respected me and tried his best (most of the time). We had a cheating problem for a short (very short) while that my husband handled for me.

 

One other question--how much are you giving him to do independently? Perhaps he needs you a bit more, right beside him, so you can quickly correct him and keep him on task. 11yo boys are notorious slacker-airheads as puberty kicks in.

[TranquilMind]

We are very seriously considering sending DS11 back to school as early as next Monday.

 

We pulled him out of our local Catholic school in the middle of grade 3. There were a number of issues including a teacher that was a bully who thought that DS was "probably bright but not my brightest", in spite of him being ID'd as gifted in grade 1 and supposedly on an IEP to challenge him. We also had some other bullying issues going on with other kids that the school literally refused to deal with. So we pulled him, and he finished the year at a private school.

 

We have been homeschooling for the last 2 years and while it has gone well, he is a challenge for me. He is smart but lazy. We have tried lots of different things over the last 2 years and I just can't seem to get him motivated. I know it is an age thing too, at this point.

 

The last few weeks have been exhausting for me. This pregnancy has been much harder physically so I don't have the energy that I've had previously. And I feel like just letting someone else take on this challenge.

 

He does the bare minimum to get by, and gets annoyed when I push him. He has/is taking a few online classes which I thought would help so that he gets feedback from someone besides me. But he does half-a$$ work and still gets A+ on all of his work :confused: I know he can do better but the instructors think he is doing really well. So it has just been reinforcement for him to put in minimal effort. It drives me crazy!!

 

Same for pretty much every other subject.

 

DH had wanted him back in school this year (grade 6) but I was able to convince him to keep him home and re-evaluate for grade 7. Now I am thinking he needs to go back. But he is going to be WAY ahead of his peers so he won't be learning a whole lot.

 

We are taking him out for dinner tonight to discuss all of this. I am so torn. I want him home for all of the same reasons I've had him home for the last 2 years; but I am growing really frustrated with his lack of effort and my lack of energy in being able to help him more.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Maybe you can find something like we have. We belong to a highly academic co-op that provides classes that will actually meet all of the state requirements. All of the teachers are "actual" teachers, who are licensed but simply choose not to work full time at this time.

 

My son goes twice a week and then has the whole week's homework/assignments/projects to prepare on the days he is home. He basically works all day on those things, and on the couple of things we are doing here.

 

The advantage is that he can take classes at whatever level I deem him at, so he is in 9th/10th grade classes this year (and has very high grades) even though he is the age of an 8th grader. He's also still considered "home schooled" and I retain all authority over his academic path. Works for us.

 

Oh, and he was totally lazy at 11. Maybe it's the age. He just didn't want to be bothered. Now, he is rocking it academically. I think being in with high school kids and kind of difficult classes has motivated him in a way that I never did.

[Canadianmumof5]

As long as he's doing well in his classes, stop worrying about his lack of motivation. He's just being a normal kid.

 

I can't imagine that it would be less work to get him off to school every morning, and then deal with homework and extra-curricular activities afterward.

 

Please try to think of your son's intelligence as a wonderful gift that he will use to its fullest when he's truly interested in something. You can't force a kid to be motivated -- and if he's going to be way ahead of the other kids in school, he will be horribly bored and unhappy, so I don't envision him getting motivated there, either.

 

I think you're placing unreasonable expectations on him. Just because you would be motivated, doesn't mean that he has to be. If he was failing at his schoolwork, I would view this entirely differently, but having a smart kid who just wants to do the minimum right now, isn't the end of the world. I know it's frustrating when you know that a child can achieve a lot, yet he doesn't seem to care, but I think he's just being a typical 11yo.

 

I am concerned that my expectations are sky-high......and I am sure that is making things even harder for both of us. But it is soooo hard to accept mediocre work from this kid & if eel like if I keep accepting it, then that becomes his new baseline and he will never try hard and do his best, KWIM??

 

And then I remember that he is only 11......

[eternalknot]

It sounds like his attitude is going to be the same regardless of where he does school. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. And sometimes even leading him to water takes more out of you than even feels worthwhile.

 

And I feel like just letting someone else take on this challenge.

 

I think that as long as you recognize the decision for what it is (letting someone else take on the challenge) instead of thinking it'll fix these problems, ... do it. Do it for your own health and sanity, and that of the whole family. Don't expect changes, but rejoice if they do come!

 

It sounds like you're pro-homeschool but not "it's the only way" - I'm the same. In my home, to STAY home is my preference but it's also a privilege. If you choose to have attitude, I can choose to have hours each day where I'm not subject to it. Not least of all so that I can focus on keeping our relationship good and not one of resentment.

 

I'm willing to work through bad phases and hormonal times, but I'm not willing to stick it out for someone unwilling or unable to acknowledge that there's a problem they need to be addressing and working through. Not for you, but for himself. Does he want the doctor that's going to do "just enough" or one that knows his stuff? Does he want a coach that's going to put in a solid effort to train him, or just the guy who does enough to win a few, lose a few? Does he want a parent that's half-in it, does the basic requirements (food, shelter) but no more? Doubtful. He doesn't realize that, though. Ask him using instances relevant to him.

 

Let it go if he's only willing to put minimal effort into it. You won't convince him to do otherwise, it has to be a catalyst he discovers on his own. Give him work you think he's capable of doing, should be doing, but don't let the "you have such potential" argument cloud the reality of where he is right now. Stop giving grades. Find a new way to evaluate what he's learned - conversations, projects, things that require thought and more than skimming/regurgitating. He won't get that in school. If that's a character issue that bothers you, know he'll hone that skill in school. Send him - even temporarily - if your sanity requires, but don't expect him to change an approach that's working for him..

[Catwoman]

I am concerned that my expectations are sky-high......and I am sure that is making things even harder for both of us. But it is soooo hard to accept mediocre work from this kid & if eel like if I keep accepting it, then that becomes his new baseline and he will never try hard and do his best, KWIM??

 

And then I remember that he is only 11......

 

I know exactly what you mean. I am in the same position with my ds12, so I know just how you feel. :grouphug:

 

I get frustrated, too, but then I remember that if he went to school, he would be bored to tears (and I would go crazy dealing with all of the hours of homework every night -- and when it's "real school," it has to get done, so think of what a nightmare it would be to get an already-unmotivated kid to do hours of homework that's too easy and boring for him... every night!!!) and homeschooling starts looking good to me again. :001_smile:

 

I have learned to lighten up a lot, and it has been tremendously helpful. I also keep modifying the way we approach different subjects, to try to keep things interesting. Some subjects are never going to be fun, but I try to change things up when I can.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Catwoman

[AK_Mom4]

DD11 is my resident expert on gifted kids and motivation....Oi! She calls it "conservation of energy". There is no way she will put in even one ounce of extra effort on something she doesn't find fascinating. She will put in exactly what's required and no more.

 

And she is following in her siblings' footsteps - each of my older children has learned to successfully manipulate the public school system to keep their GPA high with the minimum of effort while still taking college-prep classes. They've done an excellent job so far. DS16 was sitting last night with the syllabus from his physics class determining what the lowest grade he could get on the upcoming test and still keep his "A". For my older kids, they would do the homework and then not bother to turn it in because they knew they could ace the test. Sigh.....

 

Since DD11 is homeschooled, I can adjust her work - giving her harder materials to keep her challenged and pushing her to a higher standard. And make no mistake - that's alot of extra work for me and she definitely pushes back.

 

ETA: sorry - that probably doesn't help your situation. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

[Canadianmumof5]

Hugs! It sounds like it's really wearing you down.

 

I can't see, really, how it will accomplish your goals, to send him to school. You say he will not be learning a whole lot.

 

Perhaps you can find a tutor for a class or two? Give the most stressful class to someone else until January?

 

Can you enlist Dad's help? Mine would get after my son a bit, ensuring he respected me and tried his best (most of the time). We had a cheating problem for a short (very short) while that my husband handled for me.

 

One other question--how much are you giving him to do independently? Perhaps he needs you a bit more, right beside him, so you can quickly correct him and keep him on task. 11yo boys are notorious slacker-airheads as puberty kicks in.

 

We did outsource the class I was most concerned about and he is ace-ing it :glare:

 

My DH, bless him, is great at helping out but he is clueless about school stuff. I don't think he could even tell you a single book we are using :lol: however, he does talk with him about expectations on behavior, etc. I think this will be a big partof the discussion tonight. DH is in his papa bear mode and wants to protect me from the frustration & stress this is causing. He has agreed to be the one to deal with the school if we decide to send him back.

 

As for independence, he has struggled with getting back on track since we started back. I have had to watch him like a hawk lately and while it has definitely helped, it is soooo tiring to have to stay on top of the one kid who really should't need to be babysat!!!!

[Canadianmumof5]

Maybe you can find something like we have. We belong to a highly academic co-op that provides classes that will actually meet all of the state requirements. All of the teachers are "actual" teachers, who are licensed but simply choose not to work full time at this time.

 

My son goes twice a week and then has the whole week's homework/assignments/projects to prepare on the days he is home. He basically works all day on those things, and on the couple of things we are doing here.

 

The advantage is that he can take classes at whatever level I deem him at, so he is in 9th/10th grade classes this year (and has very high grades) even though he is the age of an 8th grader. He's also still considered "home schooled" and I retain all authority over his academic path. Works for us.

 

Oh, and he was totally lazy at 11. Maybe it's the age. He just didn't want to be bothered. Now, he is rocking it academically. I think being in with high school kids and kind of difficult classes has motivated him in a way that I never did.

 

See that sounds awesome!!! We don't have anything like that here.

[SunnyDays]

I know where you're coming from, because I have one a lot like him. :) DS is very bright, advanced even in many subjects, but he's just not motivated to do more than he has to do.

 

I've been reading another book called "Boys Adrift" and the author discusses this very thing... how, in general, most girls go to school and do their best work to please the teacher and because it's the right thing to do. And how boys, in many situations, see school as "uncool" and just something they have to get done to move onto the next thing. (I don't know the answers, I'm only on chapter 3! ;) )

 

In your situation... here's what I would recommend:

 

1. Keep reminding yourself he's only 11, and keep expecting that certain things get done each day, and get done well. Even if you know it's less than his best effort. Carefully lay out expectations and insist that he meet them, but you just can't make him to more than he has to, or to like it. Unfortunately.

 

2. Re-evaluate the homeschool vs. return to school decision later, and send him back like after the holidays at semester if you still think you need to. That way, you know you're not making a snap decision. And you're not making the decision when you're pregnant, tired, and at your wit's end.

 

I hope things get better. :grouphug: I think many of us know what it's like.