Plucky Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I want to get dh's family together to see ds off to university. Ds doesn't want to as dh's brother is unpleasant. He is a hs dad and minister but does subtle and not so subtle put downs about people. I think he is insecure and feels threatened by my ds. I love bil's kids, especially his oldest and there is no competition between the kids except what the adults try to interject into it. I love his son immensely and both kids are wonderful. I think he feels threatened at my ds's successes which we don't make a big deal about. His son is brilliant as well, but they are very different guys. I suspect that the grandparents brag to others about my ds and bil overhears this. So ds doesn't really want to get together and I understand because bil acted like a horse's ass last time we were together. Grandparents really want to see ds before he goes. Any advice or suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I think it should be your son's call since it is something for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I think it should be your son's call since it is something for him. I think so, too. I was thinking of just having the grandparents over. If my mil wants to know why I might tell her. Gulp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Can you just do something with the grandparents? ETA- We posted at the same time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 Can you just do something with the grandparents? ETA- We posted at the same time! I think so. I just like keeping the peace. In fact, I've kept it especially for my kids, but they are getting older and making their own realizations. I just tell my ds don't EVER be the jerky uncle. We all have one and no one likes him. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I'd just have the people your son wants, and if anyone asks why, say it was his choice. If he's ready to go to uni, he's probably ready to make his own decisions about how he'll deal with (or avoid, as the case may be) difficult family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I'd just have the people your son wants, and if anyone asks why, say it was his choice. If he's ready to go to uni, he's probably ready to make his own decisions about how he'll deal with (or avoid, as the case may be) difficult family members. True. I just sent an email about it a few days without asking him about it. I need to start minding my own business, but I also get blamed for our social calendar with them since I'm the mom/wife. Not really fair considering I'm the in-law ya know? Ah, well, all this stuff prepares me for when I am the mil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Many modern couples no longer assign all social secretary duties to the wife. I would defer to dh. He handles his family of origin , you handle yours. Retrain the fam in this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Many modern couples no longer assign all social secretary duties to the wife. I would defer to dh. He handles his family of origin , you handle yours. Retrain the fam in this. Excellent plan in theory, but in practice we would probably have lost all contact with my ILs if I had left it to my husband. I have utterly failed to train him, to the point where we have had the situation of him wanting to get together socially with a colleague, and he asked me to phone the colleague's wife to arrange it! (Which is doubly weird, since we're pretty liberal and not at all the kind of family where hubby is head of the family while wife is social secretary, cook and cleaner.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Excellent plan in theory, but in practice we would probably have lost all contact with my ILs if I had left it to my husband. But if he wants to see them, he will make arrangements to do so (or specifically ask you to do it.) If he doesn't want to see them, well, they're his family, so he should get to make the decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 But if he wants to see them, he will make arrangements to do so (or specifically ask you to do it.) If he doesn't want to see them, well, they're his family, so he should get to make the decision. I respectfully disagree. For one thing, it's not that he doesn't want to see them. It's just that time management and organizing things aren't his best talents. For another, I think that the kids have a right to see their aunts, uncles and cousins (providing there's not particular reason not to) and vice versa, and I'm not going to ruin that just to make a point about who should be organizing stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I respectfully disagree. For one thing, it's not that he doesn't want to see them. It's just that time management and organizing things aren't his best talents. For another, I think that the kids have a right to see their aunts, uncles and cousins (providing there's not particular reason not to) and vice versa, and I'm not going to ruin that just to make a point about who should be organizing stuff. I'm not sure why you are disagreeing with me. :confused: I never said that you should "ruin that just to make a point about who should be organizing stuff." What I did say was: But if he wants to see them, he will make arrangements to do so (or specifically ask you to do it.) If he doesn't want to see them, well, they're his family, so he should get to make the decision. I don't think we're disagreeing here, or at least I hope we're not. I said that if he wants to see his family, he would make the arrangements to see them or ask you to do so. Additionally, I never said that you guys shouldn't see his family if your dh wanted to see them. I said that if he doesn't want to see them, he should get to make the decision. So... he wants to see them and he asks you to make the arrangements, which I think is what you're telling me you're already doing. I'm pretty sure we're in agreement, right? I'm sorry if my post came across as confusing -- I would never have intentionally suggested that you not see your dh's family just because he never got around to making arrangements to see them. I was thinking that maybe he didn't want to see them, and I thought the decision should be his to make, because they are his relatives. Obviously, if he likes them and wants to see them, there's no reason at all why you shouldn't make the plans for visits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I'm pretty sure we're in agreement, right? Yep. Looks like I was reading something between the lines that wasn't actually there. Thanks for clarifying! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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