Impish Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 The same thing happened within my family. My grandmother was showing serious signs of dementia. Those of us who saw her with any regularity could see it plainly. Her children, however, refused to see it. I became the bad guy despite the fact that she was causing car accidents, despite the fact that her supervisor spoke with both me and one of her daughters about how badly she was screwing up at work, despite the fact that a doctor did actually diagnose her with dementia!!! Everyone acted like I was the problem, for many years. :grouphug: We managed to convince her to quit driving a cpl of yrs ago. she'd had yet another accident, this time rear ending someone badly enough her car was a write off. No matter what argument we used, she was h*ll bent and determined to drive again...managed to find a $500 car. I don't remember exactly how we managed it, but basically got her to agree that if her nephew didn't say the car was worthy, she'd take it as 'a sign from God' that she wasn't to drive anymore. That, and my going through the #s w/her, explaining that what she pd in gas, insurance, maintenance, etc, it would be cheaper to take a cab/bus. Honestly, I think it was the $ that convinced her. Wolf listens, he has the same concerns, but nobody who she'll actually *listen* to. It's all my fault, I must not like her, blah blah blah. And you gotta know, that if she ever ends up hurting herself or someone else, it's all going to be our fault for not paying enough attention to her, not visiting often enough, not moving her in w/us. *headdesk* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 We managed to convince her to quit driving a cpl of yrs ago. she'd had yet another accident, this time rear ending someone badly enough her car was a write off. No matter what argument we used, she was h*ll bent and determined to drive again...managed to find a $500 car. I don't remember exactly how we managed it, but basically got her to agree that if her nephew didn't say the car was worthy, she'd take it as 'a sign from God' that she wasn't to drive anymore. That, and my going through the #s w/her, explaining that what she pd in gas, insurance, maintenance, etc, it would be cheaper to take a cab/bus. Honestly, I think it was the $ that convinced her. Wolf listens, he has the same concerns, but nobody who she'll actually *listen* to. It's all my fault, I must not like her, blah blah blah. And you gotta know, that if she ever ends up hurting herself or someone else, it's all going to be our fault for not paying enough attention to her, not visiting often enough, not moving her in w/us. *headdesk* Yep--you're the bad guy either way. :grouphug: Over time it will escalate and get ugly. There will be more incidents and more drama. Do you and Wolf have a plan for how to respond to that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delirium Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 What it boils down to, is that I'm exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I'm just done. *sending cupcake thoughts your way* 5 little nutbunnies went out one day, over the hills and far away When the Mama bunny called "Crazy, Daisy, Loopty, loo!" Only 4 little nut bunnies came hopping back. The Mama nutbunny asked where is the other one? They all responded with "I'm an adult and I don't have to be where ever I said I would be, even if I told you I'd be back by now. I'll call you 5 times tomorrow because that's how you know I care." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 Yep--you're the bad guy either way. :grouphug: Over time it will escalate and get ugly. There will be more incidents and more drama. Do you and Wolf have a plan for how to respond to that? No. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It feels like we're forever playing catch up. I know Wolf's cousin was going to have a chat this wknd, and I suggested that Wolf talk to him before calling MIL, since the version of events always differs from reality when coming from her. biggest prob is, she lives in another province. Due to that, our hands are tied in pretty much every way. different health care system, geographically distant, no idea of her day to day coping...and, of course, anyone that COULD have an idea of day to day is firmly in denial, w/the exception of the cousin, and he lives about an hr from her, and works out of town during the wk. Wolf does have an uncle and aunt near MIL, but the uncle is a convicted s*x offender, has Alzheimer's now himself, and his wife is his accomplice/enabler (found out recently she'd invite the young family members over when her kids were out, then leave them alone w/her husband for hrs...which is when he preyed on them. And called her dds liars when they first tried to tell her about what he'd been doing). Wolf will not, under any circumstances, have anything to do w/them. So in terms of doing anything proactive, to determine medically if there's an issue, we're hooped. We can't do anything from here, and we can't afford Wolf to take time off work, he's still on probation, and when that's up next mth, we're still dealing w/a vehicle that the tranny is going in...I don't see it surviving a trip through the mtns, and the idea of Wolf taking it there and back is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. We're trying to buy a new vehicle b/c this one is just not making us feel safe, since it's our family vehicle, but once we accomplish that, we won't be able to afford to go anywhere...and, just to add to the fun, we're supposed to hear any day about if we've got the 5 bdrm house to move into in Sept. Everything just seems to be hitting at once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 No. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It feels like we're forever playing catch up. I know Wolf's cousin was going to have a chat this wknd, and I suggested that Wolf talk to him before calling MIL, since the version of events always differs from reality when coming from her. biggest prob is, she lives in another province. Due to that, our hands are tied in pretty much every way. different health care system, geographically distant, no idea of her day to day coping...and, of course, anyone that COULD have an idea of day to day is firmly in denial, w/the exception of the cousin, and he lives about an hr from her, and works out of town during the wk. Wolf does have an uncle and aunt near MIL, but the uncle is a convicted s*x offender, has Alzheimer's now himself, and his wife is his accomplice/enabler (found out recently she'd invite the young family members over when her kids were out, then leave them alone w/her husband for hrs...which is when he preyed on them. And called her dds liars when they first tried to tell her about what he'd been doing). Wolf will not, under any circumstances, have anything to do w/them. So in terms of doing anything proactive, to determine medically if there's an issue, we're hooped. We can't do anything from here, and we can't afford Wolf to take time off work, he's still on probation, and when that's up next mth, we're still dealing w/a vehicle that the tranny is going in...I don't see it surviving a trip through the mtns, and the idea of Wolf taking it there and back is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. We're trying to buy a new vehicle b/c this one is just not making us feel safe, since it's our family vehicle, but once we accomplish that, we won't be able to afford to go anywhere...and, just to add to the fun, we're supposed to hear any day about if we've got the 5 bdrm house to move into in Sept. Everything just seems to be hitting at once. I don't think there is much you can specifically DO right now, and was not trying to push you to do so. Your hands are tied, both because of the kind of person she is and the way she chooses to treat people, but also because of all the logistical difficulties. I was asking more along the lines of how you can respond to these kinds of crazy scenarios. Can you make sure the various relatives have your number to call if something happens? Document things that concern you and keep those on hand for someday discussions with a doctor? Also, if she goes missing again, how can you respond? Again, I am NOT advocating drastic action on your part. I ask the questions because the escalating incidents will be much easier to handle if you have a plan in place. Not sure there's much else to do, but figured forewarned is forearmed. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 I don't think there is much you can specifically DO right now, and was not trying to push you to do so. Your hands are tied, both because of the kind of person she is and the way she chooses to treat people, but also because of all the logistical difficulties. I was asking more along the lines of how you can respond to these kinds of crazy scenarios. Can you make sure the various relatives have your number to call if something happens? Document things that concern you and keep those on hand for someday discussions with a doctor? Also, if she goes missing again, how can you respond? Again, I am NOT advocating drastic action on your part. I ask the questions because the escalating incidents will be much easier to handle if you have a plan in place. Not sure there's much else to do, but figured forewarned is forearmed. :grouphug: Thanks, Strider. I do appreciate the care and concern you've shown me :grouphug: Honestly, I don't know wth we'll do if she pulls another stunt like this. Wolf refuses to talk about it, except in a comment here or there. There's no 'forewarned is forearmed' w/him, b/c he looks at it as 'borrowing trouble'. Several family members HAD our #, just didn't bother to use it. Now her bff has it...and keeps using it :glare: i don't know what we'll do the next time...and I don't doubt there WILL be a next time. I never would have dreamt that she'd go to this extent in her quest for attention, so I can't even begin to imagine what she may pull next. I've no doubt that she's experiencing a certain...dissatisfaction in the way things played out. Yes, she's got the spotlight for now, everyone and their brother calling, BUT...Wolf didn't come a runnin. That's gotta tick her off. Plus, she's also being lectured by all and sundry, and not pleased about that. I told her she was irresponsiblen and inconsiderate...and wow, she was NOT pleased about that. I also told her that if her SON had done such a thing, not home when he said he'd be, disappeared overnight, not only would there be a missing persons report out, but if he came home stating that he just didn't call, he'd be sleeping out on the lawn...w/all his stuff. It's a h*ll of a way to live, w/a cloud over your head, wondering what she may do next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 Thanks, Strider. I do appreciate the care and concern you've shown me :grouphug: Honestly, I don't know wth we'll do if she pulls another stunt like this. Wolf refuses to talk about it, except in a comment here or there. There's no 'forewarned is forearmed' w/him, b/c he looks at it as 'borrowing trouble'. Several family members HAD our #, just didn't bother to use it. Now her bff has it...and keeps using it :glare: i don't know what we'll do the next time...and I don't doubt there WILL be a next time. I never would have dreamt that she'd go to this extent in her quest for attention, so I can't even begin to imagine what she may pull next. I've no doubt that she's experiencing a certain...dissatisfaction in the way things played out. Yes, she's got the spotlight for now, everyone and their brother calling, BUT...Wolf didn't come a runnin. That's gotta tick her off. Plus, she's also being lectured by all and sundry, and not pleased about that. I told her she was irresponsiblen and inconsiderate...and wow, she was NOT pleased about that. I also told her that if her SON had done such a thing, not home when he said he'd be, disappeared overnight, not only would there be a missing persons report out, but if he came home stating that he just didn't call, he'd be sleeping out on the lawn...w/all his stuff. It's a h*ll of a way to live, w/a cloud over your head, wondering what she may do next. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 You keep having to endure the wrath of your MIL anyway, so what's one more time? Do whatever it takes to get rid of the BFF, and if she goes crying to your MIL, so be it. At least you'll be rid of one nutbunny, and that's one less idiot you have to deal with. Seriously, completely disregard how your MIL will react to this. She's going to be dramatic about something, anyway, so it might as well be this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 You keep having to endure the wrath of your MIL anyway, so what's one more time? Do whatever it takes to get rid of the BFF, and if she goes crying to your MIL, so be it. At least you'll be rid of one nutbunny, and that's one less idiot you have to deal with. Seriously, completely disregard how your MIL will react to this. She's going to be dramatic about something, anyway, so it might as well be this. I know, Cat. I'd really just rather not have one. more. thing. to deal w/right now. One more thing may send me screaming into the night right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I know, Cat. I'd really just rather not have one. more. thing. to deal w/right now. One more thing may send me screaming into the night right now. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: The problem is, there's always one more thing with your MIL. As long as you maintain any kind of contact with her, there will always be one more thing... and another... and another... I feel so badly for you and Wolf. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 14, 2012 Author Share Posted August 14, 2012 I know, Cat...but I'mk taking the quiet right now for as long as it lasts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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