Joanne Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 {{{hugs}}} You probably know my story. My *husband* is in a nursing home for a chronic, progressive disease. By the time I admitted it was our next step, he was unwell, combative, confused. He did not resemble the man I married at all. There are ways to make a nursing home experience the best possible for the context. My DH transferred from the hospital to a facility that accepts "medicaid pending" residents. I am paying his entire social security disability to them until/if his medicaid kicks in. I did not bring him home the first week, but have each weekend since. I've worked with dementia residents, I would NOT bring them home. I wish it was different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Sorry, but dumping your mom in an ER is not the way to go. She will end up with ridiculous medical bills when a cheaper alternative is readily available in most states. First, keep her at your sister's house right now. Call DHS in her current state. There is something available for elderly care in each state. If she moves states, you may lose this option. Have DHS (or whatever it is called in your state) place your mom. It may take a few months, but she'll get a great placement, probably much better than what she would get from a hospital. It seems like your family has had a long time to have been working on her placement already. They do not have to foot the bill. I don't know where that thought came from. Indigent elderly go into nursing homes all the time without family paying the bill. Family is not responsible unless they want to pay for upgrades. The nursing home may eventually drain your mother's assets, however, just not the rest of the family. The exception would be if she's an illegal alien or some such, but as long as she is a U.S. citizen, options are available. The other thing to wonder is if she is getting good medical care right now. Not to give unnecessary hope, but many forms of dementia are treatable and reversible. Has she had adequate medical care to find out why this is happening to her? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 {{{hugs}}} I did not bring him home the first week, but have each weekend since. I've worked with dementia residents, I would NOT bring them home. I wish it was different. Joanne, check your state laws on this. I know for us, we are only allowed to take my Mom out a maximum of 21 overnights, or else the state determines that we can care for her full-time. Blueridge, my Mom's dementia has progressed to the point where she is no longer comfortable with overnight stays away, but daytime adventures out (a casual restaurant, sitting in a park, driving by old haunts, etc.) still provides subject matter for conversation. So, it's not as if your Mom will never go outside again. The folks who work in the home will help you assess your Mom over time, and we've found it really beneficial to have a lot of eyes on our Mom. Her dementia isn't classic, and a bit of a puzzle. Continued best wishes!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 Good morning everyone. Thank you again for all the wonderful well-wishes and solid advice. And ~hugs~ to all of you who have experienced something similar. Mom is back at sister's house, and I spoke to her yesterday. She sounded like herself (which makes it actually harder on me), but she sprinkled her conversation with little negative tidbits everywhere. :tongue_smilie: Sis was gone buying school clothes for her dd, so I didn't get to talk with her. Mom mentioned that she was going to see her sister pretty soon, so I need to find out details about that today. I have taken more notes on your latest information, and will relay those to sis today. I am planning a trip down there in the next few weeks so I can help get some details lined up. I know that mom's opinion of assisted care living (from what sis has shared) is like a scene from a horror movie :001_huh: ...so we must find a nice place that her benefits will cover, and convince her to go. I hope she will still remember to love us. Thank you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Joanne, check your state laws on this. I know for us, we are only allowed to take my Mom out a maximum of 21 overnights, or else the state determines that we can care for her full-time. !! I am currently on self pay, because our medicaid application is pending. I can take him out as much as I'd like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Sorry, but dumping your mom in an ER is not the way to go. She will end up with ridiculous medical bills when a cheaper alternative is readily available in most states. :) My personal lived experience is that for certain state/federal applications, nursing home potential residents *must* come from hospitals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You need to make this decision with your siblings. With dementia it is tricky because your mom will continue to decline and it is difficult to determine when/where to draw the line. She probably needs to be in an assisted living place that will not allow her to wander. Some older people actually like it, since they have activities and other older people to meet and interact with. But many don't. But her safety is first concern. It is obvious that it isn't working having her live with your sister. Does your mom have any assets that you can liquidate to pay of it? You need to get your brother to start being involved. Can your uncle or another family member talk to him? Sounds like it is time for a family meeting. :iagree: Also, someone will have to be given the authority to make decisions for your mom if she is approaching the point that she cannot make her own decisions any more. Those decisions might include moving her to an assisted living facility or nursing home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Sorry, but dumping your mom in an ER is not the way to go. She will end up with ridiculous medical bills when a cheaper alternative is readily available in most states. Hate to say it, but often times, it's the ONLY way to get someone in to a safe, secure place. If someone is a danger to themselves or others, keeping them at home really isn't a viable option. Here, there's huge pressure to keep ppl at home, b/c there are waiting lists miles (read: yrs) long. And as long as their are family members willing to provide a residence, they will constantly be bumped back down on the list. As horrid as it sounds, refusing to take the family member home is sometimes the only option, when they're unable to be safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Next time she rages/threatens suicide, call 911. She will be removed from the home, taken to the hospital. Then, your sister CAN refuse to take her home, citing safety issues, etc. They will HAVE to keep her, find a place for her. Frankly, what your mom wants isn't the primary issue here. Safety is. And she's in a situation where that is compromised, due to her behaviours. Your sister cannot adequately manage her behaviours in such a way to ensure both her safety, and your mom's. Not to mention your sister's emotional and physical health. I absolutely would NOT bring her into your home. If an adult is having trouble dealing w/her behaviour, the impact on the kids would be huge. They would likely feel unsafe and miserable in their own home, and that's not right or fair for them. It just doesn't seem to be in the best interest of your children. I'm not talking preferences here, but the potential for damage, physically and emotionally. Consider it...what would your kids think/feel if Gma starts raging, threatening suicide, etc? How would the kids feel being constantly criticized, Mom being verbally disparaged, Mom and Dad stressed out and arguing? (Cause it *would* happen. Trust me.) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Hate to say it, but often times, it's the ONLY way to get someone in to a safe, secure place. If someone is a danger to themselves or others, keeping them at home really isn't a viable option. Here, there's huge pressure to keep ppl at home, b/c there are waiting lists miles (read: yrs) long. And as long as their are family members willing to provide a residence, they will constantly be bumped back down on the list. As horrid as it sounds, refusing to take the family member home is sometimes the only option, when they're unable to be safe. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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