How to display love & comfort to a 9yr boy?

[A.J. at J.A.]

Hi all!

 

I woke up at 5:00 this morning and this has been on my mind. I have a very sweet, gentle & loving 9 yo son. He is my oldest, so this is the first time I've ever been through this stage of parenting.

 

I feel like I do not cuddle with him nearly enough. Enough as I should, nor enough as he needs. It just seems like the time is never right or that he is unintentionally poking me with an elbow or knee or something...he is nearly as tall as I am (I am only 5'2").

 

I am really burdened by this and don't want to push him away emotionally or physically. I think he's having trouble transitioning from a little boy into a big boy (I know puberty is just around the corner) and I don't want to lose this opportunity where he does still want to be hugged and cuddled by Momma.

 

I think I remember a long time ago someone posted on the board about the stages a boy goes through to manhood. It seemed to me that around this age the child was to be listening in on adult conversations (not in a rude, eaves-dropping way), and then learning to take part. I have seen him do the listening part and at first told him to stop, but then I remembered that post (I sure wish I could find it), and it made me think that he is learning how to take part.

 

I don't know, I'm just really burdened this morning that I don't want to be quenching this child's spirit by not being more emotionally available to him. It seems like I'm always too busy doing something (I've been decluttering & posting things on Craigslist, or cleaning or reading...you get the idea, nothing that is really more important than my son, just seems more "urgent").

 

I think what broke my heart was that last night I had been rubbing DHs back (it was hurting so he was laying on the floor for me to massage it). After I put DS#2 to bed, I came downstairs and DS#1 (9yo) looked at me and very tentatively asked if I would rub his back like I did DH. The fact that he was so tentative really upset me, like he expected me to say "no". As if, that is my typical response (perhaps it is, perhaps this is my wake-up call). Anyway, I tried to rub his back but he has bug-bites so it ended up irritating the skin and didn't feel good to him. I asked if he wanted to cuddle on the couch for a while before bed and he said a big "yes" but then DH asked him to play cards and he loves doing that.

 

Wow! This has gotten long, perhaps it is just therapy for me, committing to do better. If any of you have advice for me or have some "been there done that" help, I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

Blessings,

Angela

[Pam Wilhelm]

My son is 7, almost 8.......... I'll be interested in the answers you get from your questions. In the meantime........ :D

 

I think cuddle time is good...... and perhaps you need more of it.... but maybe including your son in some of your activities. You say you are decluttering and listing on craigslist..... perhaps he could help. Perhaps you could draw him in to help you word the advertisement..... show him how you go about posting something like that...... if he's interested in that sort of thing.

 

Or....... have him help you during the day...... if he likes cooking, or you tell him that he needs to start learning to do some of the household things so he isn't clueless when he gets out on his own...... have him cook with you.... or balance the checkbook with you..... my son loves to help me out (usually).

 

Find out what he likes and spend a little time with him in that activity....it doesn't have to be a lot of time.... but really focus on him at that time.

 

I have a 10 y.o. daughter who I need to start doing some of these things with............ she is kind of the odd one out..... my other two kids are constant companions but the oldest one sort of keeps to herself.... so I'm going to start teaching/sharing with her life skills, special times together, morning tea, etc. I want her to look back on her childhood and say to me some day...... "I really enjoyed our time when we did _________ ."

[Tatt2mama]

I'm already seeing a huge decrease in the cuddle time with my 5-almost 6 y.o. Part of it is that he doesn't sit still often to be cuddled, part of it is the pointy elbows-but it really kind of makes me sad. In my nighttime reflections on the day, I've realized that I mostly have to "remind" myself to make time for that quiet cuddle time, or it will fall by the wayside as we get more and more busy.

 

I think the sharing of things that interest you, and him, is a great suggestion too. I've realized that as ds gets older he's developing these "boy" interests (basketball, Wii, etc.) that I don't really know anything about-and I have to take the time to play Wii with him, or shoot the basketball. I know he's still young right now, but I don't want to wake up one day and realize I don't know a lot about the things that he likes to do best.

 

But anyway-this is a great thread, I'll be reading with interest.

[Peela]

I have noticed a similar thing with my oldest, who is a girl. My younger has always been SO demanding of me physically, in terms of cuddling and just paying attention to him, and my older is so easygoing, that it's SO easy to neglect her emotional need for physical cuddling. She is 14 by the way! And my son is 12 and still sits on my lap for a cuddle, and holds my hand in public (shhh, no one tell him that's not cool by his age, ok? :) ) What I have noticed is my daughter in the last year has started rough and tumbling with her female AND male friends- which brings up a whole other issue but is really quite sweet- and it acts as a pressure release for her.

 

But once I really noticed I wasn't touching her much any more, (and I am not particularly a touchy-feely person, but my husband and son are) I just made more effort to sometimes reach out and rub her back, put my arm around her, and cuddle her- and she responded very warmly and lovingly, by coming to me for hugs in a very natural and spontaneous way- and I feel the issue is no longer an issue. I don't think she is going to be a particularly touchy-feely person either, but I wold like her to feel connected and warmly loved in that way.

 

For me its quite a conscious issue I have overcome, because as a small child- apparently age 3- I rejected my parents physical affections- although my father was never affectionate. I dont remember being touched or cuddled my whole childhood and my mother has made comments that I rejected it (my brother was cuddled). I know it affected me and in my late teens I had to learn to hug people I loved. (Not "had to" but i wanted to).

 

I think just the fact that you have become aware of it is enough...you will naturally make sure you don't lose that contact.

[Danestress]

I think with our first child, they seem to be bigger or closer to being big. When my oldest was nine, I would also have said "he's almost too big to cuddle, puberty is right around the corner." With my younger sons, nine still seemed quite young. We don't snuggle for as long as we did at two years old, but I touch and hug them and snuggle up to them on the sofa all the time. I think sometimes they pull away at a certain stage - mine did around 4 or 5 - but they do come back to wanting physical affection again.

 

I think you already know what you need to do. Make space in your life for one on one moments to connect emotionally and physically with this child. I know all kids are different and thank God for that. But all three of my sons still needed a lot of Mom at age nine. They weren't really "little men" if that makes sense. I read once that a lot of boys go from the time they are 8 or 9 until they have their first girlfriend without being caressed. I decided I didn't want that for my son, so I made an effort to touch him a lot - even when he was 15 or 16, I hugged him goodnight if he was in a receptive mood. I might rub his shoulders or put a hand on his shoulder - I just made an effort to touch him.

 

But obviously touch is just one part of it. As my sons get older, I know I have to let them pick the moments when they really want to connect. Sometimes it's not convenient. Sometimes I want to write long chatty posts on this board when they want to tell me something:)

 

Anyway, you are thinking about it, so you are probably already there ready to be intentional about it. So you probably don't even need advice. You probably just needed to notice something and decide to be thoughtful about it!

[elegantlion]

My ds is almost 11. I find our snuggle time has decreased as well. He has a wonderful habit on coming in and giving me a hug when he wakes up, he just did this. He will usually sit on my lap for a few and I give him a quick little backrub. Also at night if we are sitting on the couch I'll rub his legs. Sometimes when we read aloud he'll sit down (he's a wiggler) and I'll put my arm around him.

 

When he is tired it seems he wants more mommy time and I make an effort not to discount the time he tries during the day. I try to make it very intentional.

 

I remember when dh and I first started dating he was working through some issues with his mother. She lamented the fact he had not sat on her lap since he was little. One day, as a 30+ year old, he went to his mothers and asked to sit on her lap. It was a real bonding moment for both of them. That story seems to stay at the forefront of my memory, so I can work not to miss those moments now. :grouphug:

[A.J. at J.A.]

You all are so wonderful! Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement and sharing your experiences with me. I feel ready to tackle the issue and do better going forth.

 

I LOVE the idea of sharing my "jobs" with him, ie, Craigslist. DH agreed that would be a great thing for him to help with. Taking the picture of the item, learning how to post, etc. Not for him to do on his own, but a good thing for the two of us to do together.

 

Thanks everyone for "being there" for me and allowing me the opportunity to voice my concerns and get some feedback.

 

You're invaluable!

Angela:D

[A.J. at J.A.]

I have noticed a similar thing with my oldest, who is a girl. My younger has always been SO demanding of me physically, in terms of cuddling and just paying attention to him, and my older is so easygoing, that it's SO easy to neglect her emotional need for physical cuddling. She is 14 by the way! And my son is 12 and still sits on my lap for a cuddle, and holds my hand in public (shhh, no one tell him that's not cool by his age, ok? :) ) What I have noticed is my daughter in the last year has started rough and tumbling with her female AND male friends- which brings up a whole other issue but is really quite sweet- and it acts as a pressure release for her.

 

But once I really noticed I wasn't touching her much any more, (and I am not particularly a touchy-feely person, but my husband and son are) I just made more effort to sometimes reach out and rub her back, put my arm around her, and cuddle her- and she responded very warmly and lovingly, by coming to me for hugs in a very natural and spontaneous way- and I feel the issue is no longer an issue. I don't think she is going to be a particularly touchy-feely person either, but I wold like her to feel connected and warmly loved in that way.

 

For me its quite a conscious issue I have overcome, because as a small child- apparently age 3- I rejected my parents physical affections- although my father was never affectionate. I dont remember being touched or cuddled my whole childhood and my mother has made comments that I rejected it (my brother was cuddled). I know it affected me and in my late teens I had to learn to hug people I loved. (Not "had to" but i wanted to).

 

I think just the fact that you have become aware of it is enough...you will naturally make sure you don't lose that contact.

 

I'm not a real "touchy feely" kind of person either, so cuddle time is somewhat difficult for me. Not that I don't love and adore my boys, I certainly do, but my sense of "personal space" is an issue for me. :0(

[A.J. at J.A.]

My son is 7, almost 8.......... I'll be interested in the answers you get from your questions. In the meantime........ :D

 

I think cuddle time is good...... and perhaps you need more of it.... but maybe including your son in some of your activities. You say you are decluttering and listing on craigslist..... perhaps he could help. Perhaps you could draw him in to help you word the advertisement..... show him how you go about posting something like that...... if he's interested in that sort of thing.

 

Or....... have him help you during the day...... if he likes cooking, or you tell him that he needs to start learning to do some of the household things so he isn't clueless when he gets out on his own...... have him cook with you.... or balance the checkbook with you..... my son loves to help me out (usually).

 

 

 

Great ideas on sharing activities!! I'm definitely going to pursue that!

[A.J. at J.A.]

I think with our first child, they seem to be bigger or closer to being big. When my oldest was nine, I would also have said "he's almost too big to cuddle, puberty is right around the corner." With my younger sons, nine still seemed quite young. We don't snuggle for as long as we did at two years old, but I touch and hug them and snuggle up to them on the sofa all the time. I think sometimes they pull away at a certain stage - mine did around 4 or 5 - but they do come back to wanting physical affection again.

 

I think you already know what you need to do. Make space in your life for one on one moments to connect emotionally and physically with this child. I know all kids are different and thank God for that. But all three of my sons still needed a lot of Mom at age nine. They weren't really "little men" if that makes sense. I read once that a lot of boys go from the time they are 8 or 9 until they have their first girlfriend without being caressed. I decided I didn't want that for my son, so I made an effort to touch him a lot - even when he was 15 or 16, I hugged him goodnight if he was in a receptive mood. I might rub his shoulders or put a hand on his shoulder - I just made an effort to touch him.

 

But obviously touch is just one part of it. As my sons get older, I know I have to let them pick the moments when they really want to connect. Sometimes it's not convenient. Sometimes I want to write long chatty posts on this board when they want to tell me something:)

 

Anyway, you are thinking about it, so you are probably already there ready to be intentional about it. So you probably don't even need advice. You probably just needed to notice something and decide to be thoughtful about it!

 

You are dead right on so many things! I remember when my oldest was 5 and I thought he was so big and then when my youngest was 5 he seemed so young. I am trying hard not to make that mistake now.

 

Thank you so much for your excellent advice and words of encouragement. They are very greatly appreciated!

 

Angela

[Mom2legomaniacs]

My ds turned 10 in April. He often asks to cuddle at bedtime. He loves affection so I try to make sure to hug him lots. I , too, have put him off a bit as the timing is bad. But when I see the dejection in his face, I realize just how important it is and try to do it anyway. The pure joy he radiates from this simple act is like sunshine.

 

Give yourself, and your son, the gift of no holding it back. He will become closer to you in his heart, I believe. Good for you for seeing this. And for reminding me to pay closer attention to my own ds's needs as well.:grouphug:

[Kathy in MD]

Don't try to set time aside to spend time with your ds. Make an appointment to spend one-half hour of one-on-one time with him every week, and writeit on the calendar! This is time that you do what HE wants to do. If it needs to be postponed, reschedule it immediately. This would be good for both your dh and youto do with each of your dc.

 

As far as hugs are concerned, I find that my 14yo may reject a hug given to him, but if I ask for a hug, I may get it.

[Jen500]

I feel very much the same with my 8 yr olds. Especially with a 3 yr old around hogging most of the physical attention. Here are a few things I do:

Sit on the couch a few nights a week to read aloud (we'll take turns reading). Sometimes they'll sit close and rest their head on my shoulder.

We always have a nice exchange of hugs and tucking in at bed-time. If there's time, we talk a bit about anything they want to discuss. It's nice because I'm not trying to do something else and they know they have my full attention.