Advice on preparing a child for a grandparents passing.

[lynn]

My fil is 81 and not doing well. He's a stubborn old man and refuses to live near any of the children because he doe snot want to leave his doctors in his area. His friends are all old and ill or have passed. Please understand some older people just do not want change at all and we tried our best to have him find a place near us but he refused. We finally received a call from him today and he is not doing very well. DD is 6 and loves her grandpa so much. We plan on going to check on him soon although he does not want her to see him so ill. What do we tell her. We can explain the circle of life but it is going to kill me to see her so sad. She sees pictures of my Oma and will cry and say "it's so sad that she died" and my Oma died years before dd was born. How can I help her and my other kids through such a time?

[momtotkbb]

I'm sorry you are having to experience this. It know too well from experience that it isn't an easy thing and it is difficult when distance is involved. My children have lost 3 of their grandparents in the past 4.5 years - my youngest would have been 4 when my fil passed away. While my dh and his parents were at first reluctant to allow the dc to see fil when he was so sick - it was actually the best thing we could have done. They needed to see him, to spend some time w/ him, to form last memories. W/ fil we ended up needed to care for him - in his home w/ some assistance from Hospice - for the last 9 months of his life - they only lived 45 mins from us. There were some days that were good days and he could talk to the kids, tease them, have an icy pop with them, or watch a movie - there were other days that were not so good. But, it helped to prepare them that he was in a better place when he passed.

 

With my dad it was sudden - while we knew he had cancer - it wasn't expected to end his life so soon, but he got sick from the chemo. I really think they took his passing harder bec they expected him to get well. They were also very close to him. My little guy actually made a Wii character of his granddad so he could still play with him. For my mom we were actually with her when she passed away from cancer this past August. My parents lived 1000 miles away so distance was a factor, but we still tried to make some last time memories when we found they were will.

 

For mine it just took talking about them being very sick, talking about what happens in death, what to expect from the funeral, etc. They all grieved in their own way - it wasn't a fun experience for anyone, but we tried to make memories that they could have to carry on to share with each other. We did read some childrens books on death and dieing. They each wrote a letter to their grandparents and placed it in the casket w/ them. With my mom and fil they were able to have some time and mom made a point of talking to each one and gave each one something she wanted them to have.

[Mom22ns]

If you can let her see him before he dies, it will help. Both of my parents have passed away, one when my kids were 4 & 6 and the other a year ago. My mom had cancer that spread into the brain and we didn't let them see her once she wouldn't have recognized them - too traumatic! However, being with both of them as they grew sicker and knowing that death was a release was a help. Try to help your fil understand that.

 

My parents lived 200 miles away and both stayed in their home until they died. It would have been easier to take care of them here, but we went there. I think you are doing a wonderful thing by honoring his wishes. I certainly wouldn't judge you for not forcing him to move.

[LAS in LA]

I'm posting a bit late on this, but the book "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs" by Tomie de Paola is a gentle story about a beloved Nana passing away. It could help her/them to see death as, well, not "normal", but a common human experience.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree: Lovely book.

My children have lost my husband's parents, and a dear, *dear* uncle. We took them to visit often. None were on life support or anything of that nature, but they did visit in the hospital. My inlaws passed quietly in the hospital, hooked to nothing. We knew they were dying. They were all older for the uncle (who was much younger. We hoped he would live. We were not fully prepared); they saw him weak, and attached to an IV pole. My youngest was 5 when he passed. We took photos with the children towards the end, and we talk about them all often. It's so sad, but it is part of life. They miss my MIL profoundly. We mention her almost daily; there is always something that reminds us of her. Crying is good, meaning normal. I wanted my MIL to stay. I can't even chop an onion without her in my heart.

 

 

 

I'm posting a bit late on this, but the book "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs" by Tomie de Paola is a gentle story about a beloved Nana passing away. It could help her/them to see death as, well, not "normal", but a common human experience.

Edited April 6, 2012 by LibraryLover

[lynn]

Thanks for the responses. I use to worry about fil passing when my 19 year old was so young they were so close. My son was the apple of his eye. FIL would always say "I'll never get to see him play football." "I'll never live to see him graduate" and he has outlived what he thought he would. AFter his stroke he'd say "I don't know why I'm still here" and I'd tell him "because there is a little boy who will be absolutely heartbroken without his grandpa" DS doeswant to go down next week and spend time with grandpa. It's a 7 hour drive and it makes me nervous for ds has not driven that distance.

 

I will get the book suggested for dd.

[mommaduck]

We simply talk about it as a fact of life. We mention it in conversation when it fits and opportunity is there and in different ways. We've had pets that have died. Our oldest daughter had a kitten she tried to save, die in her arms. We woke to find one of our goats dead some years ago. One of the horses my oldest daughter cares for is dying. It's just something to talk about, to learn to accept. How you handle it will help determine how your child handles it, many times, not always. We don't avoid funerals.

 

This is also how I was raised. There were so many grandparents and great grandparents (and so many close calls with the couple that had extreme health issues), that we were always expecting a phone call (it was the biggest excuse as to why my folks said they needed to know where I was, who I was with, and when I would be home).