s/o why marriages end... companionship/feeling attractive

[Kate CA]

I think it's an incredible lot to ask that one person meet all -or even most- of our needs.

 

I think it's an incredibly hard thing to reconcile, given the social expectations we see and sometimes internalize.

 

I think it's an incredible thing to recognize we're human, our partners are human, and that yes - sometimes we're not interesting, sometimes they're not interesting, and yes - there's a limit to how long any human can feign interest in something boring, even for the person they most love in the world.

 

I know this because I've had my 20th conversations about trains today, with my beloved child. It's not that he's not interesting, it's not that I'm not interested in his interests, it's simply that I don't share them. And that isn't so much a stain on our relationship as it is an indication that if I desired only to share everything 100% with someone else, ... that someone else becomes irrelevant.

 

I don't think you have to let go of the idea that you and your husband should be friends, or that he should be interested in what you have to say. Navigating those waters with respect to each one's tolerance level is important; give and take is what relationships are all about, right? But try to shed the idea that his one person can/should/will meet all -or even most- of your needs. It's an undue amount of pressure! If he's not meeting any of your needs, that certainly warrants a heartfelt conversation and work on everyone's part. But I encourage you to also take responsibility for your own needs.

 

If he's not interested in what you're saying, find a girlfriend who is. Or therapist. Or dog. Or friend.

 

If he's not interested in your hobbies, accept that different people like different things!

 

If you're in a rut, innovate your way out of it rather than wait for him to climb out and extend his hand to you. Or accept it for what it is - a seasonal lull in your relationship.

(((hugs))) It's hard when things are .... blah ... but it's also a normal flow for any and all relationships. I really, really like what Bluegoat has to say. That was a very insightful post, and I agree with it 100%.

 

Yes, and yes! This is such a wise post. It isn't fair to put all our expectations on one person. I am very grateful for my husband and we have a good marriage, but we cannot be all and all for each other and I don't believe we were designed to be. I am also very grateful for my girlfriends because they meet needs that my dh cannot. He is not in the trenches homeschooling or any number of things that come up in life, but they are.

 

Make time to spend with just your dh though. We did not do this enough in the early years of our marriage. Go out to eat, talk about things of which you both have interest. Make that time to just be together. Of all the things in our almost 20 years of marriage, making time to be alone outside the house with no distractions, is something I really wish we had done. :)

 

Remember too that there are seasons in life and that we can only really work on ourselves. Talking to each other in an honest, but kind way is really important. If I attack and get my way, I have not really won anything. If we discuss sensitive things, but I am honest with my own failings, we get somewhere. :)

[nono]

Aw gee, I don't want to insult you.

 

I will agree that everyone feels differently about this and that is ok. What I don't agree with is telling someone who feels bad about their situation that they should just get over it. Maybe getting over it works for some people. But gee, is it so wrong to want and expect more?

 

FWIW, I don't think my husband would mind it so much if I just wanted sex all the time. :lol:

 

HA -- unfortunately it wasn't all the time. No, you didn't insult me, just made me realize something. Truth is sometimes a bit cheek-burning, ya know?

 

I'll say this about wanting more, and perhaps this will tell you guys my orientation on it. No, it isn't wrong to want more, esp. if your side of the equation is in order. Truth is, often times, I'm the deficit in the relationship, so I'm grateful that he's willing to put up with "good enough" while I finish working out whatever phase I'm in at the moment.

[Scarlett]

Great discussion.

 

I read a good article on 'Friends of Conversation' over on the Marriagebuilders site. The message in his articles and books are good, but I think the board has turned really weird and I no longer recommend the board.

 

I do believe it is improtant to spend a lot of time with one's spouse....I can tell a big difference in our connectivity since dh has been working out of town.

 

Compliments....I have a dh who compliments me 50 times a day and I LOVE it...however, I also love being complimented by a stranger....but I do believe when a woman or man is feeling blue in their marriage for whatever reason that those type of interactions can be very dangerous.

 

My dh is a big talker. Sometimes it is really interesting stuff and I just stare at him with my jaw dropped...and then sometimes like last night on the way home from religious services he spent the 10 minute drive explaining the possibilities of what might be going wrong with my car. (it has almost not started a few times). I listended politely and then I took my right wrist by my left hand and smashed my forehead into my palm. He laughed out loud. And then I grinned and laughed too. However, he also listens to me A LOT. I like that.

 

I would say my first marriage was actually a really bad marriage....but until he began cheating on me I was happy to live my life with the focus on other happy things....and I was happy. He didn't want to do anything with ds and me....but we often asked him again to be sure. Sometimes it made me sad that I had a bad marriage, but mostly I focused on the positives of my son, my family, my faith, and my friends.

 

But wow, how great it is to have a great marriage. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

Yes, and yes! This is such a wise post. It isn't fair to put all our expectations on one person. I am very grateful for my husband and we have a good marriage, but we cannot be all and all for each other and I don't believe we were designed to be. I am also very grateful for my girlfriends because they meet needs that my dh cannot. He is not in the trenches homeschooling or any number of things that come up in life, but they are.

 

I do *definitely* agree with this.

[Mrs Mungo]

I just get the impression some people are saying we shouldn't place any expectations on our spouses. Maybe I got that wrong.

 

I think....I think they are saying that we should place *all* of our expectations on our spouse or unrealistic expectations. Maybe you and I are sort of grounded, realistic types to begin with, and therefore don't mind spelling out our expectations? Maybe?

[Scarlett]

I just get the impression some people are saying we shouldn't place any expectations on our spouses. Maybe I got that wrong.

 

I'm not all that high maintenance as a wife, but I do have some expectations. ;)

 

I do too. No one can read minds, so if you have a need tell your mate. And I expect a lot of my dh....he comes through too.

 

Not sure what can be done though when there is a marriage where those needs have been expressed and then ignored. That was my situation in first marriage and thus why I just 'did my own thing' while he did his. Ultimately that didn't work out either but there is only so much one person can do to hold it all together.

 

For those of you with good mates who might just be lazy in meeting your needs, or maybe even clueless as to what your needs are....read up on how to communicate your needs to him. I like Dr. Harley's His Needs Her Needs.

[nono]

You know I think the hardest thing for someone to frame before a marriage is his/her expectations. The line I've used on my dh when he has moaned about one of my deficits, is "Didn't you pay attention while we were dating???" :tongue_smilie: Because my flaws weren't well hidden ahead of time. I had no plans to remarry, so I wasn't on my best behavior!

[TranquilMind]

This is terrible. I'm glad I'm not his wife. A few years ago we were having some struggles. I flat-out told my dh that I didn't want a good-enough marriage or an okay marriage. I wanted amazing or it wasn't worth it to me. To me, that's what it takes to make a marriage fulfilling, both partners working toward amazing.

Agree that this would be pretty humiliating. But then I'm a "confess in faith what you want not what you HAVE and it will get better" sort of optimist.

 

When I violate that principle and talk about how bad things are, they get worse.

[TranquilMind]

nono: The line I've used on my dh when he has moaned about one of my deficits, is "Didn't you pay attention while we were dating???" :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Oh my gosh. I can't tell you how many times I have said that to single women. You get what you SEE not what "he could be". Same with what he gets.

 

I was almost 30 years old and missed my calling as an undercover agent, so you can bet I knew exactly what I was getting. I left no stone unturned.

 

Today, it's so easy to know what you are getting, but young people just don't analyze things like older people do.

[Rosie_0801]

Today, it's so easy to know what you are getting, but young people just don't analyze things like older people do.

 

Uh huh. Sometimes it takes ten years before you realise what he means by X isn't what you mean by X. Those issues of semantics are so tricky! :glare:

 

Rosie

[Bluegoat]

Oh my gosh. I can't tell you how many times I have said that to single women. You get what you SEE not what "he could be". Same with what he gets.

 

I was almost 30 years old and missed my calling as an undercover agent, so you can bet I knew exactly what I was getting. I left no stone unturned.

 

Today, it's so easy to know what you are getting, but young people just don't analyze things like older people do.

 

This is true, and beyond that i think that in the dating stage, people sometimes find the potential mate so compelling that even things that they are not normally interesting become interesting. Sometimes that can be really eye-opening and you discover that actually, you really do like curling. Other times it doesn't stick as a lasting interest though.

 

And of course people change as well, so someone might after years of marriage find a new passion that the other person isn't really into. or even things like religious conversions can make a huge difference and they can happen very unexpectedly.

 

I sometimes think that should my dh ever kick the bucket, the big thing I would look for in a potential new mate is someone who really like building things around the house and keeping bust with projects. I was surprised after getting married the extent to which my dh could let a simple weekend project sit around for months half-finished. (Of course, such a person would probably end up being too focused for me and drive me nuts.)