Had DD tested...

[ebunny]

After a lot of reflection and some nudging from well meaning but worried grandparents, we had DD tested and the result was that she is highly gifted and highly creative. The psychologist used the WISC with an IQ ceiling of 150 and she specialises in learning disabilities and developmental disorders. So, she could not offer any guidance as such.

 

We're also dealing with some emotional matters right now concerning DD's peers and their reactions to her abilities...whether it is her drawing ability/craft/etc.I had been observing that DD intentionally regresses (for eg- draws stick figures when she is, in fact, drawing lifelike pictures at home) when she is with her peers. After a lot of prodding from my side, it turns out that her "friends" have been ridiculing her for her abilities. I guess, out of spite or jealousy.:glare:

DD also mentioned that this has been happening for as long as she can remember (Therefore, the underachieving pattern)

FWIW, my DD is highly sensitive to the environment wrt non verbal cues, facial experssions, 'vibes' etc.

At the same time, she is also mature and she understands that adults and children say hurtful things that they might not mean..

 

Any suggestions on how to guide DD so that she :

 

1- doesn't feel the need to "dumb herself down" to fit in with her peers

2- Develops self confidence and learns to discern constructive criticism from pettiness..

 

TIA!

[JenneinCA]

How old is she?

 

The short answer to your question is to find other peers. If art is her thing, then maybe a group of artistically inclined kids would be a safe place for her to draw. Or maybe some other group where she can be herself and not have to be less to fit in.

 

I haven't found any really good solutions. We deal with issues of not fitting in with age-mates often. It is a common problem.

[ebunny]

How old is she?

 

She's 6.

[Staceyshoe]

I agree with finding peers who are more on your child's level intellectually. In all honesty, I can't help but wonder whether her IQ is higher than the test indicated. There are sometimes issues with testing high IQ kids that most testers aren't aware of unless they specialize in highly gifted children. Her IQ is already exceptional, but you may have a child who is even more different from "average" same-age peers than what the IQ test indicated. If you haven't already started reading about giftedness, I highly recommend Hoagies website and the book A Parents Guide to Gifted Children by James Webb.

[lisabees]

These kids are different and they do need to figure out how they fit in this world. It can be a rough ride. My two boys spent a lot of time on their own, working on their projects. They still don't "need" other kids to feel happy or successful. Make sure your daughter has this time to explore and develop.

 

I don't find anything wrong with her "dumbing herself down" every once in a while. Is it just once or twice a week? She will always feel different, but she's smart enough to mold herself according to the situation. We all want our kids to be comfortable in their own skin, but that confidence may take a while. They need to mature and, as their interests get specialized, they need to find a group of like minded souls.

 

So - think outside of the box to find this for her. Do you have an artist friend or talented teenager who can give her private lessons? Is there a senior center that is willing to have her show up for a class? Of course, a class of gifted child artists would be ideal, but unlikely. Surround her with interesting people; invite them over for dinner. At this point, she may identify more with adults. As she grows, she'll find it easier to fit in.

 

Gifted kids can definitely be a challenge, emotionally. They tend to be perfectionists, idealists, and obsessive (I know, not grammatically parallel). Tread lightly. Feed their curiosity.

 

Fellow board member, nmoira, recommends, Some of My Favorite Friends are Books. It lists many books that have issues surrounding gifted kids. Maybe reading about these issues will make your dd feel not so alone. Other than that, just talk to her. She'll be just fine!

 

ETA: OP, how does the WISC assess creativity? I never got my 8 year old tested but would consider it; she is highly creative in the way she thinks and plays and solves problems. Very outside the box. Very different than my gifted boys. Can't put my finger on whether she is just right-brained/creative or gifted. She attends ps, so it would be beneficial to know.

Edited October 5, 2011 by lisabees

[AK_Mom4]

Any suggestions on how to guide DD so that she :

 

1- doesn't feel the need to "dumb herself down" to fit in with her peers

2- Develops self confidence and learns to discern constructive criticism from pettiness..

 

I would agree that the best thing to do is to get her a new set of peers. 6yo was the age where we ended up pulling younger DD out of school because of the pressure she was under from her classmates to "dumb down".

 

DD(now10) thrives at home doing things she enjoys at her own pace. She has plenty of interaction with friends doing things like skiing and swimming (neither of which she is good at!) and has one very close little friend that is also homeschooled and is a very talented musician.

 

Personally, I have my doubts whether public school can be a good fit for these kids on the edges.

[ebunny]

I agree with finding peers who are more on your child's level intellectually. In all honesty, I can't help but wonder whether her IQ is higher than the test indicated. There are sometimes issues with testing high IQ kids that most testers aren't aware of unless they specialize in highly gifted children. Her IQ is already exceptional, but you may have a child who is even more different from "average" same-age peers than what the IQ test indicated. If you haven't already started reading about giftedness, I highly recommend Hoagies website and the book A Parents Guide to Gifted Children by James Webb.

Hoagies had completely slipped out of my mind..I did visit the site today..an eye opener.

The psychologist did mention that DD's IQ is a "ballpark", and it could change, depending on her environment.

 

ETA: OP, how does the WISC assess creativity? I never got my 8 year old tested but would consider it; she is highly creative in the way she thinks and plays and solves problems. Very outside the box. Very different than my boys. Can't put my finger on whether she is just right-brained/creative or gifted. She attends ps, so it would be beneficial to know.

Sorry, can't be of much help here. My guess is that since the WISC is an oral/verbal IQ test (for DD's age) and maybe DD's answers to the questions were a tip-off?..the Dr did mention that highly creative children are 'self-learners' and do well in an unstructured environment.

We resisted testing initially, but don't regret it now. It gave us a window into her thinking process and some validation for homeschooling her (In India)

ETA: DD is homeschooled for the past few months. The children who play with her are neighbors (not classmates), and yes, she does meet them everyday.

Edited October 5, 2011 by ebunny

[lisabees]

Hmmm. Neighbors are a great way for your dd to figure out how she can fit in. Give her the freedom to figure it out. And do find additional groups where she can easily fit in. It is the flip side of homeschooling a gifted child. They can be more isolated compared to a school filled with instant, like-minded souls. Some kids thrive on that; some don't necessarily need it.

 

My 18 JUST became comfortable sharing his ideas etc. with certain teenagers this year. He has always kept his true self hidden, knowing he was different. He has actually found one kid who he can sit and talk to for hours and hours, swapping ideas and thoughts. On nice days, they take long walks and have long talks. They are glad to have found each other.

 

My 12 year old on the other hand is happy to be the quirky kid he is. He freely plays his rubik's cube and solves it in 10 seconds. He freely talks about Asian cultures and gaming technology, using his large vocabulary.

 

So, you just never know. We live in a busy neighborhood and my kids fit in just fine. Another neighbor has two profoundly gifted kids. Over the years (they are both teens now), she has occasionally stopped them from reading and building and literally kicked them outside to play with the kids. They have always had a seriously difficult time fitting in and she worried so much. Both kids are comfortable with who they are now. Are they different? Do they know it? Absolutely. They are just better at embracing it.

 

So, I understand how it's important to you. Sounds like you have a great handle on things. And it sounds like you have a neat little girl. :)

[Runningmom80]

 

ETA: OP, how does the WISC assess creativity? I never got my 8 year old tested but would consider it; she is highly creative in the way she thinks and plays and solves problems. Very outside the box. Very different than my gifted boys. Can't put my finger on whether she is just right-brained/creative or gifted. She attends ps, so it would be beneficial to know.

 

 

The WISC does not test creativity, no IQ test does, to my knowledge. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong! I've always read that creativity is something that is very difficult to measure, as there are so many subjective aspects to it. (IMO, IQ tests themselves can be subjective as well, but that's a whole other post. ;))

[matilda]

The WISC does not test creativity, no IQ test does, to my knowledge. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong! I've always read that creativity is something that is very difficult to measure, as there are so many subjective aspects to it. (IMO, IQ tests themselves can be subjective as well, but that's a whole other post. ;))

 

My dc took the Structure of Intellect (SOI) which claims to test Creativity and Critical Thinking.

[Donna]

The WISC does not test creativity, no IQ test does, to my knowledge. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong! I've always read that creativity is something that is very difficult to measure, as there are so many subjective aspects to it. (IMO, IQ tests themselves can be subjective as well, but that's a whole other post. ;))

 

It does not assess creativity as in giving a number value to it but the tester may say a child is creative or an "out of the box thinker" based on the responses given in different sections.

 

When my dd was tested, the tester said that in a number of sections, dd's answers made sense when she explained them (one was a section for grouping like items and I don't remember the other 2) but were not able to be scored because they were not "the correct" responses.

[lisabees]

It does not assess creativity as in giving a number value to it but the tester may say a child is creative or an "out of the box thinker" based on the responses given in different sections.

 

When my dd was tested, the tester said that in a number of sections, dd's answers made sense when she explained them (one was a section for grouping like items and I don't remember the other 2) but were not able to be scored because they were not "the correct" responses.

 

Yup. This is what I think would happen to dd. Answers that won't fit the box. But would the tester ask her to explain?

 

She is the kind of kid that, for every answer she gives me, she prefers to draw an entire story out to demonstrate her thinking. For a long time, it was frustrating to read her a book aloud, because she had to constantly talk about it. :lol:

[Runningmom80]

Wow, I've never heard of that. I imagine it's highly subjective, and dependent on the tester.

[jjins]

Mine daughter is eight, like your daughter does dumb herself down to fit in with peers, very emotionally sensitive to cues around her other miss. An amazing child.

 

We have moved her into ONLY mixed age groups. It is interesting because although we do a lot with homeschoolers, most of her peers come from cheer and gymnastics. Within the cheer program the girls on her two teams are 4-12. She is small for her age but very mature, both mentally and emotionally. The girls in cheer and gymnastics tend to be small for her age, so they do not judge as much by her size. (48 in)

 

What is interesting is that this is the group that she shines intellectually. They all think she is so smart because she is homeschooled, many ask their parents to homeschool so that they can be as smart as her. THE BEST PART of this: last year two different girls one in third and the other in fourth, routinely asked her for help with THEIR math! They let her know how proud they are and how they wish she could be like them.

 

THIS is so different than when she was in private school OR what she gets from homeschooling groups.

 

Find the peer groups for her. They are out there. She will find people who do not make her feel ashamed of her gifts.

 

ALSO, remember not to expect too much from her. These gifts often lead to some sever insecurities.

 

There are psychologists who specialize in gifted children, which DOES fall under special needs in most states. Feel free to use one for her and your family. Read, read and read some more. This will help you to find out more about her.

 

I am lucky, because we soon realized our daughters potential after learning about our son's. So, he, although a VERY different child than her, is beating the path for us. Also, part if his being different is he THRIVES on sharing his gifts, is older and sometimes she feel dumb in comparison. Nothing that other siblings do not go through - except that she is anything but dumb AND has a higher IQ! (a fact neither of them know)

 

 

:grouphug:

[lisabees]

Mine daughter is eight, like your daughter does dumb herself down to fit in with peers, very emotionally sensitive to cues around her other miss. An amazing child.

 

We have moved her into ONLY mixed age groups. It is interesting because although we do a lot with homeschoolers, most of her peers come from cheer and gymnastics. Within the cheer program the girls on her two teams are 4-12. She is small for her age but very mature, both mentally and emotionally. The girls in cheer and gymnastics tend to be small for her age, so they do not judge as much by her size. (48 in)

 

What is interesting is that this is the group that she shines intellectually. They all think she is so smart because she is homeschooled, many ask their parents to homeschool so that they can be as smart as her. THE BEST PART of this: last year two different girls one in third and the other in fourth, routinely asked her for help with THEIR math! They let her know how proud they are and how they wish she could be like them.

 

THIS is so different than when she was in private school OR what she gets from homeschooling groups.

 

Find the peer groups for her. They are out there. She will find people who do not make her feel ashamed of her gifts.

 

ALSO, remember not to expect too much from her. These gifts often lead to some sever insecurities.

 

There are psychologists who specialize in gifted children, which DOES fall under special needs in most states. Feel free to use one for her and your family. Read, read and read some more. This will help you to find out more about her.

 

I am lucky, because we soon realized our daughters potential after learning about our son's. So, he, although a VERY different child than her, is beating the path for us. Also, part if his being different is he THRIVES on sharing his gifts, is older and sometimes she feel dumb in comparison. Nothing that other siblings do not go through - except that she is anything but dumb AND has a higher IQ! (a fact neither of them know)

 

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: This a great, encouraging post! Outside, mixed peer groups are definitely enriching. Usually, the kids come from somewhat of a distance and come with different experiences of their own. Also, the focus is not on academics, so there is no competition that way.

 

OP's dd is an artist. It's a great way to meet with mixed groups. I know I would have to travel at least 30 minutes to a quality arts center. Hopefully, OP can find something like that. Artists are a unique breed anyway - very accepting. ;)

 

I wouldn't limit the OP's interaction with neighbors; I would just find additional groups. We all have friends we dumb ourselves down to and friends with which we make sure to kick it up a notch. Just because a friend doesn't have the same intellect, doesn't mean they don't have gifts. In my life, each friend serves a different purpose. :001_smile:

 

And, yes, the emotions of a gifted child can be fragile. I pulled ds12 out of ps, because he started getting depressed. Keep your eyes and heart open.

[Donna]

:iagree: This a great, encouraging post! Outside, mixed peer groups are definitely enriching. Usually, the kids come from somewhat of a distance and come with different experiences of their own. Also, the focus is not on academics, so there is no competition that way.

 

:iagree: We've also had the most success with finding peers based on non-academic interests (sports and music). This way the kids have a common ground that isn't dependent on academic achievement.

[gracyomalley]

Another vote for mixed age groups based upon interest. At 6, you have to give this time, but it will happen...My kids have "friends" that they "play with", and a few intellectual peers...but my daughter really doesn't have friends that she shares much intellectually with...although her best friends are from gymnastics, and many of them are bright or gifted...and very INTENSE about their sport!

 

DS has only found a couple of friends he can really talk to about his interests, and he is very introverted. We are experiencing the "dumbing down" with him musically this year because Mommy made the mistake of putting him in a quartet that was way below his level musically in order for him to interact with more young musicians (his orchestra is all adults...). The quartet leader hoped he would learn to be a leader and example, but ds informed me that he feels bad for the other members (all older than he) because they can't play as well as he...and doesn't want to "show off"....HMMMMMMMM...a few years ago he wouldn't have even noticed, so socially we are still "learning a lesson", but this kid is ANYTHING but a show off....

 

Probably should have stuck with the adult orchestra (which does have a few teens, but again, ds is the first violin even in the adult orchestra, and really belongs in the local symphony, just says he doesn't want to try out until he can "play well in 11th position..." (those of you with string players know that this is a rather lofty and unneccessary goal!!!)

 

I know I "dumbed myself down" in middle school a lot to fit in, and left alot of my "intellectual quirks" for my family only....in many ways that ability is what makes it easier for some gifted kids to fit in better than others....but still, not desireable. Get her a good art teacher who will push her!!!! She'll find other kiddos eventually!

Erin

[ebunny]

:grouphug: Thanks a lot ladies..it helps to know that my DD will find friends and not feel so lonely.