is this normal/ok??

[ProudGrandma]

I have an 11 year old daughter who 9 out of 10 times responds this way to a compliment:

 

me: You did a great job on your piano lesson today!

 

her: it was SOOOO hard.

 

or

 

dad: Wow! I am excited to see how well you did on your math paper

 

her: it was really hard (whining included)

 

is this a normal response? I am so tired of hearing it, it is driving me nuts. I am trying to encourage her to say things like, "thank you, it was hard, but I did my best"...but whenever anybody compliments her, she just complains about how difficult it was instead. Any suggestions???

[Parrothead]

Teach her whatever response you would like to hear. Normally the correct response to a compliment is a simple "thank you."

[J-rap]

I think compliments are difficult to take, at any age! I mean, they're always nice to hear, but it's often hard to know how to respond. I think a good way to respond -- as you give in your example -- can be taught, however. It will come!

[twoforjoy]

Teach her whatever response you would like to hear. Normally the correct response to a compliment is a simple "thank you."

 

This. I don't think it's abnormal, but you could just tell her that, when you get a compliment, you respond with "Thank you." If she wants to talk about how hard something was, she can save that for another time.

[Josie]

Teach her whatever response you would like to hear. Normally the correct response to a compliment is a simple "thank you."

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

Thinking about this some more.

 

You can teach her to politely describe how she felt about a given task when complimented on it.

 

"Thank you, I enjoyed doing ___."

 

or

 

"Thank you, I found ___ difficult to accomplish."

 

Having both phrases handy will be helpful throughout her lifetime.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think she doesn't understand that her response should be about the other person, not herself. She needs to take the focus off herself and respond to someone who went out their way to be nice and encouraging. "Thank you" is the appropriate response whether she agrees with the compliment or not. She may not intuit this naturally, so she needs to be taught it.

 

Enforcing the behavior may be something you and your husband will have consider since she is getting older. Whining is something that needs to be dealt with in children when they are very young. I have a 6 year old who often hears from me model the correct phrasing of what she wants in the correct tone and then, "Now say that in a pleasant tone....Nope....Try again....No.....Try again....I've got all day....try again....Much better!"

 

It sounds to me she's developing a bad mental habit. This is common in certain personality traits. I'm married into a family with a few of these types. Breaking this habit now will be good for her and her relationships in the future.

[ProudGrandma]

I think she doesn't understand that her response should be about the other person, not herself. She needs to take the focus off herself and respond to someone who went out their way to be nice and encouraging. "Thank you" is the appropriate response whether she agrees with the compliment or not. She may not intuit this naturally, so she needs to be taught it.

 

Enforcing the behavior may be something you and your husband will have consider since she is getting older. Whining is something that needs to be dealt with in children when they are very young. I have a 6 year old who often hears from me model the correct phrasing of what she wants in the correct tone and then, "Now say that in a pleasant tone....Nope....Try again....No.....Try again....I've got all day....try again....Much better!"

 

It sounds to me she's developing a bad mental habit. This is common in certain personality traits. I'm married into a family with a few of these types. Breaking this habit now will be good for her and her relationships in the future.

 

thank you...you are 100% right...

[gardenmom5]

there are good and bad ways to give praise.

 

e.g. you worked really hard on your piano lesson is actually more positive, and it acknowledges it wasn't easy. it reinforces to the childthat she has control over how hard she works, and gives her incentive to keep working hard. re: telling her she did good doesn't tell her specifically *what* she did good, and leaves her guessing how to reproduce the behavior that got the praise.

 

there are studies on praise, the more vauge the praise, the more likely to backfire and get regressive behavior. More specific praise - and directly about how the child controls what they do - actually will produce more positive results as children like getting sincere praise, and will work to reproduce it.

 

the other thing the study found - (and my adult children were absolutely nodding in support about its truth) was "vague" praise is twisted to mean "you are a failure, so we have to priase you to make you feel better". (think how schools give "awards" for everything these days. . .)

[gardenmom5]

Normally the correct response to a compliment is a simple "thank you."

 

I agree with that for an adult (and have even commented to adult family members that the proper reply to a complement is "thank you") But this is also a child, and the "compliment" isn't just a compliment, but praise from a parent the child wants to please.

[elfgivas]

there are good and bad ways to give praise.

 

e.g. you worked really hard on your piano lesson is actually more positive, and it acknowledges it wasn't easy. it reinforces to the childthat she has control over how hard she works, and gives her incentive to keep working hard. re: telling her she did good doesn't tell her specifically *what* she did good, and leaves her guessing how to reproduce the behavior that got the praise.

 

there are studies on praise, the more vauge the praise, the more likely to backfire and get regressive behavior. More specific praise - and directly about how the child controls what they do - actually will produce more positive results as children like getting sincere praise, and will work to reproduce it.

 

the other thing the study found - (and my adult children were absolutely nodding in support about its truth) was "vague" praise is twisted to mean "you are a failure, so we have to priase you to make you feel better". (think how schools give "awards" for everything these days. . .)

 

i was just coming to post something similar. the more specific the praise the better.... for the example, i would not just say "you worked really hard at your piano", but rather "i like how you worked on your scale until you got the notes correct and the timing so even. repeating something like that is a really effective way to practice".

 

:grouphug:

ann