New to HSing, seeking advice

[Guest LittleBloom]

Hello, this is my first post. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. Guidance, suggestion, hope? Just an ear to bend is greatly appreciated at this point.

 

My oldest son is 13 and in 7th grade public school. He has always required more attention from his teaches, from pre-school to present. This year seems exceptionally difficult for him to adjust, even with the help from his teachers.

 

This last week I received an invitation for him to enter the Duke University TIP program. Based on his 5th grade TAX science scores. The first thing they require is for him to take the ACT or SAT test.

 

However, it's difficult for any of us to be excited about this, because it doesn't seem possible. He's failing everything including science.The first conclusion would be that he is not being challenged. Perhaps this would be correct in science. Yet, in other areas such as math, english, he doesn't seem to be able to grasp the basics. The year has barely started and it's all melting down so quickly!

 

From his point of view: The teachers hate him and think he's a brat (his words). Too many things to remember from class to class. He can't figure out a way to remember homework, any suggestion just leads him to believe "it's another thing he can't remember". Not enough time to do his work in class. When he does work, he feels it's never 'good enough' and it won't please the teachers. He focuses on the frustration that he feels from others, rather then the work itself.

 

From the teachers point of view. He spaces out, does not apply himself. Does not have a grasp of the basics. Unorganized. Overly emotional. They do not believe he has a learning disorder, and have not seen the need to test for one. None of his teachers have expressed a dislike for him, but I do feel some would rather not have him in their class room and are frustrated dealing with him.

 

 

My point of view: He's extremely outgoing with a need to please. I think his teachers see him as 'needy'. He's a conversationalist, to the point of exhaustion at times. Yet, he does not get in trouble for excessive talking in school. Nor any other disruptive behavior.

He has some quirks, some can ruin his day. Examples are seams in the toe of his socks not lining up right, tags in a shirt, or getting something on his hands or clothes. Each can lead to an emotional spire of despair. He has been this way since birth, as of late, homework has started to become a trigger for the same kind of meltdown. Not just despair, but hyperventilating crying fits.

He cannot process a lot of information at one time. If asked to feed the chickens, unload dishwasher, then take a shower. He looks at me with a sense of panic. It's too much to remember at one time.

 

I'm considering homeschooling and dread facing his panic attacks and meltdowns he associates with learning. How I can wipe the slate clean and start over?

 

I'm also unsure exactly how to teach college level science to a child that doesn't have the basics of 5th grade math?

How does this work in the long run? Say, if I start homeschooling him by going back to 5th grade math, do I try to 'catch up' those missing two years?

 

I have many more questions, but I've probably 'bent' your ear quite enough. I'll eagerly await any suggestion on where to go from here.

Thank you.

[La Condessa]

I don't have any experience, but a lot of this sounds familiar to some other threads I have read on here. You might try looking up twice exceptional (often shortened to 2E) and overexcitabilities (OEs) on the accelerated board and see if this sounds like your son.

[NotSoObvious]

Hugs to you! I can't believe you've made it all the way to 7th grade.

 

First off, it sounds like there is obviously a sensory issue. While not wanting to start a labeling debate here, it's good to at least recognize that a lot of kids with similar "needs" are easily overwhelmed. You are not alone!! My dd went from daily meltdowns at school to maybe one a month at home, just because she didn't feel overwhelmed anymore. Yes, kids need to learn to organize and prioritize, but children are NOT little adults and they have many years to grow, mature, and develop those skills. Anyhow, it can be overwhelming for a lot of kids, but especially children who struggle in other areas. Schools aren't equipped to help these kids, so they are at the mercy of individual teachers who may or may not be sympathetic.

 

The beauty of homeschooling is that you can work at different levels in different subjects. As far as math, most math programs have a placement test you can give before you buy a level. I'd start with that and not worry about the grade. If he just has a bunch of holes, he'll probably move through the material quickly. However, you want to make sure there isn't an underlying difficulty. I would recommend getting him tested. You can request, in writing, that the school test him, or just get a private evaluation (I'd go the private route if you can afford it). **I will say that is is also important to expose him to grade level concepts. See where he tests, focus on his weaknesses, but be careful not to just go back to 5th grade math and plug along. You do want to try to get him caught up without losing too much ground, especially if you intend on putting him back in school. I'd also suggest choosing a really straightforward, easy to use program where his weaknesses will be glaringly obvious and he'll have lots of opportunities for practice. Chances are he needs explicit instruction and lots of review, not some fancy program that will confuse him. That's just my opinion though.

 

As far as wiping the slate clean, many families "deschool" for a while. Just be home, be calm, and spend time together. Go to museums, to the library, and allow him some time to remember that he is capable and learning can be fun. You want him understand that homeschool is a fresh start and he can leave all his attitudes and fears about school at school. Watch him, talk with him, read with him, let him delve into his science, and spend some time reevaluating what makes him tick and how he learns. It will most likely be very different from what teachers have told you. Homeschooling is very different than public school. Then just take it from there. Ease into it, maybe adding a subject at a time, starting with science.

 

I hope something in my rambling helps. I really feel for you because I have a daughter with dyspraxia (motor planning issues) and her school experience was very similar to your son's. Homeschooling has made a world of difference. I look back now and am amazed at how much time she spent feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, scared, and upset at school. I can't imagine living like that. She's done a lot of healing and is growing into a confident learner. (She's only 9 and this is our second year home. I taught school before I brought her home.)

[3Blessings]

I agree wih the previous posts . . . it does sound to me like he is 2E (or perhaps some other "label").

 

Have you ever had him evaluated? The school district probably doesn't want him diagnosed (read: it cost money to have special need kids). I would consider that. BUT go to a liscensed psychologist/psychiatrist. Primary care physicians often know too little about those issues. Better yet, go to someone that specializes in pediatrics/young adults.

 

Also, do spend some time on the other forums mentioned above.

 

God bless you in this process. The answers won't change the behavior, but they may help you meet his needs more effectively and help learning to be more enjoyable for him.

[Maus]

Except for the outgoing part, he sounds quite a lot like my niece, who is gifted and ADD. She'd do her homework, but forget to turn it in; she had to ask her mom what she needed to pack for a trip they took right after she graduated because she couldn't think through the activities they had planned to pick appropriate clothing, etc.

 

Great kid and she just started college, but she struggles with all things organizational. She got through Jr. High with the help of friends who would check her backpack every day to see if she'd forgotten to turn in anything.

Edited September 20, 2011 by Maus

[....]

Hi, your son is older than mine, but this is an exact description of my son. :001_smile:

 

I pulled him out of ps in 1st grade, so he didn't go to school for very long. But...it was a dismal experience. They were pulling him out of class to work with the special ed lady every day. He didn't know his letter sounds. He couldn't read when the rest of the class was reading, etc.

 

I originally looked into homeschooling because of this dude. There is no way he would have been OK in school (long term).

 

I can tell you what's worked for us, so far.

 

He needs a lot of one-on-one attention with schoolwork.

 

At the beginning of the year, I ask him, "Exactly what do you want to study this year?" This year, he picked some bridge-building kits, dissection kits and orthographic drawing (he's kinda into the building thing right now).

 

I try to add as much hands-on learning as I can.

 

Have you read Boys Adrift? That book completely changed the way we homeschool. It talks about the way boys' brains work, why they need to move around during schoolwork, why some of them need stuff like carpentry, etc. I'm pretty sure that's where I read about the all-boys school that lets the boys walk around the classroom during class (and their test scores went up significantly).

 

When you talk about your son's perceptions of his teachers, that's word for word what's mentioned in that book, also.

 

As far as wiping the slate clean...IMO, you can't replicate ps at home. I think I made that mistake the first year.

[Evergreen Academy]

You've gotten great input already, and I also wanted to suggest you post on the special needs forum; I have gotten great advice there as well. Have you heard of Nonverbal Learning Disorder? http://www.nldontheweb.org/

I have researched it a bit and I remembered some of what I've read, as you described your son. I believe that lots of talking, but difficulty making connections, poor organization, anxiety and the like are all part of NLD. I also believe some of the anxiety issues can become amplified with adolesence.

 

He does sound like he has a share of sensory issues too, so perhaps he's dealing with some neuro issues that make the school environment extra challenging for him. I think some testing would really help you pinpoint his strengths and weaknesses and give you a starting point for teaching him, and just help you understand your special person more clearly. While the school may not have seen the need for testing, if you do a little research and present things to your doctor, you may be able to get the doctor to request a neuropsych eval; we didn't even have to consult with our doctor for our insurance to cover a full eval.

 

Even if you decide to bring him home before you have an eval done, you can start simply; choose materials at the level he can understand and work with, even if it means going back a year or two. It sounds like you are on the right track with thinking you can meet his needs better at home - if you go this route, really, you CAN do it!

[robsiew]

:grouphug: You've gotten some really good advice already. I don't have much to add, other than your son sounds a lot like my 3rd ds. He's only 7.5, but I can see a lot of similarities. My ds would drown in school. He's never been and I firmly believe that hsing is the best for him at this time.

 

I think you will notice a huge difference in your son if you bring him home. I would take the advice to "de-school" for a few months. It won't hurt him and in fact, will help immensely in the long run. I would run with the science and let him do whatever he wants. Through that you'll hit reading, writing and science... probably some math too, depending on what he does. I would prioritize his emotional health over his academics right now. The academics will come. I'm guessing your son is actually quite bright.

 

I would have him evaluated, privately if possible. We are in the process of diagnosing our son. I thought he might have Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, but we are mainly treating his anxiety at this point. I was surprised to learn that anxiety can manifest itself in many behaviors that look like Aspberger's or NLD, but these behaviors actually have their root in anxiety. We have not ruled out other things, but first on the agenda is to tackle the anxiety.

 

I feel for you... kids with these sets of challenges often do okay during elementary, but as you're seeing, go downhill in middle grades. Their peers are flying by them in maturation while they seem stuck where they are. Often these kids, like your son, are labeled "gifted" when they are younger. And they are... it's just these other "challenges" get in the way.

 

Maybe try doing a little reading on Non-Verbal Learning Disorder (NLD) and see if your son seems to fit. If so, I would highly suggest a private evaluation. If not, you may want to list out the characteristics you notice (both good and bad) and take them into a child psychologist. They can direct you in the right direction. There are many great characteristics about these kids! We just have to help them order their world so these great things can shine through! :001_smile:

[NittanyJen]

I am *not* attempting to diagnose your son, because so very many things can be at the root of those types of issues; I am just going to give an example with which I am very familiar.

 

I have spoken with many, many older teens and adult men with an extra X chromosome (47,XXY) ... People who, like my son, are off the charts bright, but can have specific learning issues including those that you mention. The guys I spoke with, who were not diagnosed until their twenties or later, all reported the same school experiences you describe for your son. (They all would have been fixable with an earlier diagnosis, too, at some point during their school careers). They were labeled as lazy, uncooperative, daydreaming, etc. All over a very common disorder (1/667 live births) that goes under diagnosed in the US (25-33%). Sensory, anxiety, muscle tone, and other problems are also common but not universal, along with other symptoms in the pediatric population.

 

This does NOT mean your son has 47,XXY. But it does mean that this type of school issue merits a chat with his doctor, because a number of medical issues can factor in and cause a student to have difficulty in school through problems that are not only not his fault, but fixable (and may have additional medical implications). And yes, homeschooling or after schooling can be successful for these kiddos. So can public school if a correct dx, IF the staff are open to being educated and are supportive.

 

Good luck!

[Bula Mama]

Like others have said, I would get him evaluated if possible. Sound like perfect timing with bringing him home as well so you can really teach him the way he needs to learn!

 

I have a very similar 13yo (with a few other issues as well) and after struggling with him for years it made SUCH a difference to me to know what it was he really needed. Some of it was quite different than what I expected. Understanding some of that may be the key to your helping him de-stress about school.

 

I read something a long time ago about 'taking the school out of homeschool'. Trying to find ways to spark his interest without being 'schooly' about it might help.

 

I will be honest with you that it's not easy to teach kids like ours! I'm sure you're expecting that, too. Lots of patience is needed and teaching him to deal with his own frustration has probably been 1/2 of the battle with my ds. (I taught him for years but he's in a school now)

 

Good for you for wanting to find what's best for yours!

[ErinD]

Just some encouragement from me: This is a description, almost exactly, of my son at grade 7. This is when we finally pulled him out of school and began homeschooling him esentially out of desperation! I thought you might like to know that he is now 19, happy, confident in most situations, and that he was up to grade level after a year of homeschooling despite his extreme tendency to panic when presented with new materials. He will never master calculus but he's ok with it and so are we.

 

And, because of him, our 10 year old daughter has never set foot in a school and neither do we plan to send our 4 year old. Homeschooling is the best thing we ever did as a family.

 

Feel free to pm me any time if you have questions or need to vent. Been there and lived through it! :)

[Guest LittleBloom]

Thank you, everyone. For your guidance, suggestion, and hope!

 

I've been taking it all in, seeing my son in a new light. It's been a lot to think about. I feel there is hope for him. I have no doubt he'll be a capable adult and with everyones help he may in fact be able to enjoy learning again.

 

Where things stand now.

Monday, I had a group meeting with his teachers and guidance counselor. In a group it was much easier to sense which teachers are actually interested in 'connecting' with my son.

 

I'm taking over the 'tutoring' in classes where I feel the teacher's only interest is getting him through the standardized state testing. I can use this time as well to discover his learning styles.

 

My insurance doesn't cover mental health. I've had prioritize therapy counseling over private testing. I really feel we need to address his anxiety issues soon. I'm going to request the school test him using their resources. I'm not sure about this. How specific do I need to be with my request?

 

Thank you again for all your wonderful input!