Teaching Persistence

[Paige]

What are some practical things we can do to teach the habit of persistence to children with a low frustration level and not naturally inclined to work through something hard. My 3yr old is the most persistent kid ever, but the 7 and 9yr olds give up easily and quickly. My 9yr old, for instance, did not do simple 1 piece puzzles until he was about 4 because they were "too hard." The kid is gifted. It wasn't too hard, but he didn't want to try until he knew he could do it and things have never improved. I know that part of that is perfectionism, but they also are horrible about looking for things they have misplaced. They give up quickly and don't really "look" but act as if they expect the lost object to jump out and say boo. If they come to a difficult part in some school work they are supposed to do independently, they will quit and say they can't do it without help instead of trying it again in a different way or checking their work to see if they can find their mistake. I know the cause of the problem- low frustration, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and dare I say, a little laziness? I don't mean lazy in a demeaning way, just that they really don't want to put any effort into most things and they don't see the value in continuing. They are quitters. Yes, sounds so bad, but it is true. Begged to play the recorder but can't play without squeaking? Don't practice, just quit. Can't do a good taekwondo kick? Don't practice, just don't try at all and do kicks far below your level because you've given up. Can't swing by yourself? Don't work on it, just refuse to try and swing on your belly. Can't draw the object you were so excited about in the art lesson? Don't try again, just refuse to ever, ever, ever, draw that object ever again. Can't ride your bike right away? That's ok, you decide that you never wanted to ride it anyway. And it goes on and on and is not improving with age.

 

I do believe this is something we can improve on and it will benefit them as an adult. I just want some tips- like, try this game, use this mantra with them, do this, etc.

[domestic_engineer]

Bumping up to see if anyone has any advice!

[Renee in NC]

It seems to be personality, here. My 10yo has persistence you wouldn't believe, but the 13yo doesn't. I do, dh doesn't.

 

My dh calls it stubborness, though!:tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

I'll come back to this

 

fast though-persistence is a HABIT to be formed.

[Dana]

One thing I'm doing with my son and Singapore math is when he gets stuck on a problem (CWP or IP) I have him attempt it for a while, then take it away and move on, then give him it to again the next day. Sometimes I'll give a hint or we'll talk through problem-solving techniques (draw a bar model, draw a picture).

 

Right now we're on day 2 of one IP problem :)

I don't want him to see math as just getting the right answer and I want him to have some time struggling with a problem and not seeing it.

 

It also can help to encourage the effort rather than the outcome.

[sewingmama]

:bigear:

 

My 5yo is the same. I don't know what to do about it.

 

Last night my 5yo and 3yo were doing puzzles together. 5yo is trying one piece, throwing it across the room, yelling that she can't do it and it's too hard , then picking up the same piece and trying it in the same wrong spot again and then slamming her fist on it to "make it fit".

 

3yo brother is methodically going through all the pieces - if it doesn't fit he puts it aside and tried another etc etc. He keeps going until he figures it all out - not a sound but intense concentration and patience.

 

My DD is like that with everything -it's very draining trying to explain that "practice makes perfect". She just wants to be perfect straight off. :glare:

[*Inna*]

:bigear:

[kalanamak]

With anything of this nature, I believe setting a good example is prime, and not rewarding the opposite of the behavior you want as secondary.

[mktkcb]

I would say it is both personality and habit. Had/have 2 that were/are like this. DD, now 20, (gifted, quirky) was like this early in life, but I learned to outlast her, and make her do it. Sheer force, bribery, WHATEVER works to get her past X,Y, or Z. And as a parent, you know when they can but won't vs when they simply can't and won't be able to for some time. Parents just know these things. I was not above discipline/withholding privilege etc. until said child had at least made genuine effort with good intent, or had succeeded. This child is now VERY persistent and determined. Engineering major at college. DS 14 has been like this since day one. Gifted and even quirkier (possibly mild adhd/AS). I use same tactics. Musically very gifted, but he would have quit piano LOOOOONG ago if I had let him. I see glimmers of hope occasionally, but for him, success breeds success. If you never force them to follow through, they might have no successes on which to build. For the "can't find it" problem, I began telling ds that if I went and found it, he would have to pay me X amt for doing the work for him. He didn't like that too much. I'll tell you though, if they are used to you letting them just quit stuff, they will fight tooth and nail when you first seriously start making them. I had lots of mantras LOL. Lets see..... "It's not perfection, but direction" "I don't expect you to do it perfectly, but I do expect you to do your best", any version of "you aren't allowed to quit" "we don't quit" etc. "You need to practice doing Z, X number of times before we: leave the park, have dessert, play with friends, whatever...and if you refuse, then the next time we do X(easy fun activity), you must do twice as many practices before you participate, or you can just sit in time out (I know, mean mom for sure)".

 

as my mom wisely told me: every child has his price. For me, this is a "hill to die on" issue. I do not want kids that grow up needing therapy (LOL) because they had a mother that expected perfection, but I will do my best to not let them be a quitter on my watch. If, when they are grown, they wish to be a quitter, fine. It's their life. But it won't be my fault. And, as always, use your good instincts in discerning can't vs won't. Sometimes the line is very fine for 2e kids.