Does "It takes a village" include

[Geek]

I didn't see her say he used insulting methods.

I don't correct my husband in front of my children because it would be disrespectful and insulting. I don't even like to imply in front of the children that the kids did something stupid under his tutelage because, well, it's disrespectful and insulting to him. I talk with him privately because that is the respectful way to handle this sort of thing.

 

If another parent has a habit of correcting children in front of the children's parents, that is by its very nature insulting. Talk with the parents privately. Ask them if they're okay with you talking with their kids.

 

Do I think it's ever okay? I'm sure there are but I'm hard pressed to think of a situation at present.

 

I'm not even that fond of my mother correcting my children in front of me. It says, "You don't have this situation under control so I need to help you here."

 

How can that NOT be insulting?

[Haiku]

I don't correct my husband in front of my children because it would be disrespectful and insulting. I don't even like to imply in front of the children that the kids did something stupid under his tutelage because, well, it's disrespectful and insulting to him. I talk with him privately because that is the respectful way to handle this sort of thing.

 

There isn't one right way to handle things. There is the way that you feel is appropriate for your family, but that does not make it the sole right way.

 

My dh and I discuss our mistakes in front of our kids. We are not perfect, and I don't like to try to maintain the fiction that we are. We are real, fallible human beings. My kids are real, fallible human beings. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging this, as it's something we all figure out in time anyway.

 

How can that NOT be insulting?

 

It can not be insulting if you choose not to see it as insulting. My kids live in a world with lots of other people and lots of different standards of behavior. I expect that they learn that. Especially if we are at someone else's house, but even if we are just out in the general public or even at my own home, I don't really have qualms with other people expressing their standards. I can discuss it with my children if it's at odds with our standards, but I am not afraid of my children being exposed to other standards, and my authority is not threatened by other people having different standards.

 

Tara

Edited May 3, 2011 by TaraTheLiberator

[nono]

Not to sidetrack, but I think it's interesting that you took that interpretation away from Protecting the Gift, since I got completely the opposite message, and tend to recommend it as the anti-"Stranger Danger" book.

 

Did you also read his The Gift of Fear? Because I can see how reading Protecting... by itself might not get the message across that I think he was intending....

 

(sorry for more sidetrack)

[Haiku]

Did you also read his The Gift of Fear?

 

I don't remember. I want to say that I did, but I'm just not sure. It's entirely possible that I read Protecting the Gift and gave up in disgust. :D

 

I really wish that the library kept a searchable (by me only) list of all the books I have read (or at least checked out). I know that privacy advocates think that is horrible, but I really would like to have that information but am too lazy to record it myself!! ;)

 

Tara

[aggie96]

I think there is a difference between correcting and denigrating.

 

And I think that the approach at a common event (scouting, church outing, hs group field trip) can assume a closer bond than if it is just a random encounter at a public place (a store, a park). Likewise if the kid is someone you know (child of a friend) rather than an anonymous child.

 

I have, for example, asked kids I knew in our neighborhood where their bike helmet was. And I would mention it to their parent next time I said it. Not in a snarky way, but just as a passing comment. On the other hand, the neighbors pretty much remembered my ds going to the ER after wrecking his bike.

 

FWIW, we were on the receiving end of some correction this weekend at the end of a scout campout. One of my kids had to be counseled for something that was probably unintentional and thoughtless, but that was perceived as something else. I hope that he takes the correction to heart. It is an area I've been warning him about for a while. In this case, I think he did need the outside correction to drive home the idea that this habit he's picked up isn't appreciated by others.

 

Were my kids doing something wrong while playing in the neighborhood or visiting the library, I would appreciate another adult stopping to tell them what they are doing is unsafe or a nuisance. And I would hope to get a polite heads up from the other adult too.

 

But as a disclaimer, we've spent that last ten years or so living in either military housing or government housing overseas. It was driven home to us that we were living in a fishbowl and that the poor actions of one military member or American would reflect poorly on all (it's not unknown for a base in Japan to have several days of lockdown, where there is not liberty, after an altercation involving a military member). I made sure that my kids read every single article about the teens at a nearby base who pulled a prank that nearly killed a Japanese woman and resulted in one of the teens being tried for attempted murder. (They strung a rope across a dark road, which she hit while riding a moped.)

 

:iagree: I miss the "village". It was a great thing when I was growing up and didn't realize how it had disappeared until I had kids of my own at age 30. :(

[ocelotmom]

Did you also read his The Gift of Fear? Because I can see how reading Protecting... by itself might not get the message across that I think he was intending....

 

(sorry for more sidetrack)

 

Not sure if you're talking to me or Tara, but I can't remember if I read it, either. I don't think I have.

 

The main message I got from Protecting was to trust your insticts about a situation, and teach your kids to do the same. As far as strangers go - don't teach Stranger Danger because the vast majority of strangers aren't bad, and kids need to feel able to approach strangers if they need help.

 

I really wish that the library kept a searchable (by me only) list of all the books I have read (or at least checked out). I know that privacy advocates think that is horrible, but I really would like to have that information but am too lazy to record it myself!! ;)

 

Mine does! But you have to specifically enable it and acknowledge that they have to give the records to law enforcement if they exist - it isn't a default option.

 

I love my library's computer system so much - it's like a homeschooler designed it. You can save lists of books. You can schedule holds.

 

Ok, doing a really bad job of staying on-topic. I just <3 my library.

[arghmatey]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child? When you are there? Only when you're not there? Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others? No agenda here . . . just wondering how this all hangs together.

 

I believe it completely depends on the family.

 

Our village works like this: my mother frequently takes care of our children, yet she still pretty much bows down to our parental authority. No one has ever corrected my child (one exception, noted below), but I'm sure it'll eventually happen. My planned response is, "Thank you for your concern. I will handle this." SO's mother has corrected our children, and she received a correction in turn for doing so, as she is not invited to share her style of discipline with them nor impose her values on them.

 

Our villagers share their lives and experiences with our children, but we are in charge of their discipline. We have so many friends who agree, so it works very well for us.

 

I'm a very active advocate of parental rights, authority, and responsibility.

[In2why]

For some reason these discussions are bringing to mind the TV show "What would you do?". I have only seen one episode, the one where a woman was meeting a blind date and strangers saw the man actor put a drug in her drink while she wasn't watching. It sickened me that most people didn't say a thing to the woman even though the set up made it clear that it was a blind date, she didn't know the guy and he was obvious about putting something in her drink on the sly.

 

It is a leap to say that the same feelings behind not correcting a child is the same thing, but as I said it is in my mind for some reason.

 

I don't see saying something to someone's child as discipline. Asking a child to settle down in a public setting, or to stop doing something dangerous or annoying to others just seems like common sense to me. I also wonder at why it is seen as a criticism of a persons parenting. Has parenting become a holy grail as it has moved from something that we do to something we are instead. I know many women who identify almost exclusively as a Mother, and since they have put so much of their self esteem in that one role, even the slightest hint that they aren't perfect becomes a battle ground. Is that even healthy for the children we are raising?

 

I guess as a parent who has raised children into adulthood and a parent of little ones, this issue doesn't bother me. I think I was probably cured of that when the olders were teens and I discovered that the teens could and did use our isolation and bubble to manipulate parents. It was actually freeing to let go some of the control and the idea that I had to do it all alone.

 

But this is a very interesting discussion to me, and I am glad to read others opinions and views of what I imagined would have a wide consensus.

[Rebecca VA]

I had a lady from "the village" deal with my daughter a few years ago. She used to be afraid of escalators. We were in the Tysons Galleria mall, where there is a series of escalators that go up two floors, and we needed to go down. I told her I'd get on first (so if she fell, I'd block her fall) and she could follow. Well, she froze up and stayed at the top of the escalator while I went down. When I got to the bottom, I pleaded with her to come on down, and she wouldn't. Finally a lady picked her up (she was 10) and plopped her onto the first step of the escalator. She was in such shock that she passively rode all the way down to the bottom in silence.

 

I loved it! I was so thankful to that wonderful lady! That of course isn't the first time someone has dealt with my children, but it was totally unexpected and kind of funny.

[arghmatey]

I don't see saying something to someone's child as discipline. Asking a child to settle down in a public setting, or to stop doing something dangerous or annoying to others just seems like common sense to me. I also wonder at why it is seen as a criticism of a persons parenting. Has parenting become a holy grail as it has moved from something that we do to something we are instead. I know many women who identify almost exclusively as a Mother, and since they have put so much of their self esteem in that one role, even the slightest hint that they aren't perfect becomes a battle ground. Is that even healthy for the children we are raising?

 

*****

 

I think I truncated your quote, so please excuse me. My reply begins here:

 

In five years (I am an amateur), no one has ever had the opportunity to ask my children to settle down or stop being annoying before I or their father handled it. As far as danger, that hasn't happened either. Surely it will at some point. I do not see warning someone of danger as discipline. Did someone say it was? If so, that is silly.