Glass Half Empty...

[jen3kids]

My older ds is 13 and is often a 'glass half empty' kind of kid. If things don't go his way, someone was intentionally out to get him. If someone hurts him accidentally, he thinks it was on purpose and holds a grudge for a loooong time.

 

Today we saw a girl walking along the sidewalk with a candycane outdoor decoration and his first comment was, "I bet she stole it." :001_huh:

 

Neither his dad or I are like that - I can't think of anyone in our family who is (well, maybe my brother, a bit) but it is driving me nuts.

 

We've talked about how one feels better when they have a positive attitude. I tell him you get farther when you are kind and positive but it pretty much falls on deaf ears.

 

Now, he's not always like this, but I would say it is more often than not. And, it is definitely worse when he is overtired or overwhelmed but it takes him so long to get out of his funk. Ugh, it is exhausting.

 

Any suggestions on how to get him to look at things with a positive light, rather than dark and gloomy?

 

Thanks,

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: I want to say something positive, but I can't think of anything. :confused:

[elfgivas]

check out Seligman's "learned optimism"....

 

there are specific things you can do with your ds to help him see things differently.

 

one of the things is to do a gratitude journal each night before bed. we do ours at dinner. each person says three things that were good about their day, and i write them in a book. its fun to look back, too. the backstory is that you are working on reminding the conscious mind of good things, and then the brain has those recently remembered as it sleeps and dreams. it also has the effect of encouraging each of us to find our three good things, because we know we will be asked. this shifts our focus as we go through our days.

 

another is taking a picture, and changing the matting around it to several different colours, and seeing how that changes what part of the picture we focus on. the picture is the same, but the effect of the matting is dramatic. then, you practice doing that with life things. he says "i bet she stole it" and you say "maybe. now, let's put a different frame around it".... and then you brainstorm together initially, and then him on his own.... maybe it was a present, maybe it was a christmas present delayed in the mail, maybe her father was exploring in darkest africa and just got home, maybe she works in a store and it was part of their christmas display that they are getting rid of.... etc, etc.... the first few times it may be torturous, but the natural pessimists get better at it, and it can be fun.

 

its so worth the work because learned optimism can dramatically reduce depression and teen and adult suicide.

 

the book has many other suggestions, but those two were highly effective in our family, and easy to implement.

 

hth,

ann

 

eta: we also have little expressions to remind those amongst us who need reminding that the world is not out to get them. so when one of our dds gets into that space, i will say "yes, definitely a communist plot". and initially she growled, but now she smiles in self-recognition.... "yup, its those communistis again....".

good luck! he's lucky to have a mom who has noticed and is willing to help him find a new way of being.

Edited February 28, 2011 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[HappyCamper]

Thanks for the tips Ann. They sound like great ideas to help anyone notice the terrific parts of their day/life.

[gardening momma]

another is taking a picture, and changing the matting around it to several different colours, and seeing how that changes what part of the picture we focus on. the picture is the same, but the effect of the matting is dramatic. then, you practice doing that with life things. he says "i bet she stole it" and you say "maybe. now, let's put a different frame around it".... and then you brainstorm together initially, and then him on his own.... maybe it was a present, maybe it was a christmas present delayed in the mail, maybe her father was exploring in darkest africa and just got home, maybe she works in a store and it was part of their christmas display that they are getting rid of.... etc, etc.... the first few times it may be torturous, but the natural pessimists get better at it, and it can be fun.

I thought maybe another way of doing this would be to come up with a judge/prosecutor/defender scenario. A prosecutor will always try to come up with the reasons why someone is wrong. The defender tries to prove innocence. The judge can't do either--he has to listen to both sides before making a decision. Your son is acting as the prosecutor each time. Give him a role--either prosecutor or defender--and you're the judge. As prosecutor, he has to come up with evidence to support his theory. As defender, he has to defend the person. You could have him do both on paper--make a pros vs. cons list. Then you decide if he has enough evidence against the person or if he inadequately defends. (if there was enough that he could have said in defense, but didn't, will the client fire him?)

[Rosie_0801]

I wasn't quite that bad as a kid, but I was a bit of an Eeyore at times. I don't recommend forcing optimism. All the pessimism banks up and spills out later when the child has moved out and his parents can't make him anymore. Just like introverts need to be allowed to be introverts, pessimists need to be allowed to be pessimists. We all encourage our introverts to branch out, sure, and we should do the same with our little pessimists.

 

I would recommend the "Yeah that sucks, but at least..." principle ;)

 

"Bummer, it rained when the washing was almost dry." "Yeah that sucks, but at least we won't have to cart water from the bathroom out to water the garden for a few days."

 

"The dog ate my homework." "That really sucks! But at least we have a dog. You know there are evil parents out there who won't let their kids have dogs, lol."

 

They really do need to hear their woes validated and will, in time, follow your "but at least" pattern even without prompting.

 

Rosie

Edited March 1, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[jen3kids]

I really appreciate your replies. It has got me thinking about how to deal with these 'moods' in a more positive manner. I'm pretty optimistic and see the good in everyone and everything. Some might say I'm naive, but I just don't see the world as a bad place full of bad people.

 

I will definitely try the suggestions. He has a great, dry sense of humour so I can see him getting a kick out of the 'communist plot' comment and enjoy coming up with different reasons why things happen.

 

He is also at the stage in his life where he has very strong opinions so the prosecutor/defender strategy may be useful as well. He loves to give his opinion but cannot always give reasons so this will be very helpful.

 

I do try to remember to validate his feelings. When I do that, he really turns a corner and seems to swing back onto the reasonable side of things again. I think he often feels that he is not listened to enough so he says these outlandish statements in order to be heard. I keep reminding my husband that the boy is nearly 14, has opinions (however misguided) and he needs to be heard, not shot down, brushed off or ignored. However, the know-it-all, unreasonable attitude makes that difficult.

 

He is changing so much as a teen - physically, mentally and emotionally. It is really amazing and a joy (and sometimes painful) to see and experience as a parent.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=250132 This was posted today. I'm not sure if it has different information, but maybe you two could talk.