WyoSylvia Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 My ds 7 is headstrong and argumentative. Lately though he has added an a new feature which I need advice in handling. When we are discussing something, he keeps repeating himself and won't let go of whatever it is he is repeating. I have tried saying back to him what I think he is saying, (I think I am also asking if that is correct) and then I tell him ways that we can include how he wants to do something. (Often his desire can only be a part of the whole situation because his "opinion" doesn't answer the whole issue.) He will then continue repeating the same thing and then he gets angrier and angrier and continually says I'm not listening. Example from today: I am trying to formulate a way for us to use some German materials. To help me to figure out how I was going to approach it, I had him read a part of our workbook and then I corrected something he had misread. He got upset and then mad and told me he didn't want me to correct him. OK, fine. After he calmed down, I tried to formulate a plan with him. He kept insisting that he wanted NO help. I repeated back to him, "OK, you want to work through it yourself with no help." (I tried to demonstrate with English examples that he will have difficulties reading and he won't even always know when to ask for help.) I then presented a two-step plan; he works through the reading by himself then afterwards I will correct. He blew a gasket and kept saying he wanted to do it all by himself and that I wasn't listening to him. I don't know if he is just overemotional and tired, (We just got back from a month-long vacation.) if he is just shutting his ears to me, or if I'm not conveying to him at all that I am trying to listen to him, but this has happened several times lately and I'm at a complete loss as to how to approach this. Any help will be greatly appreciated. (I'm hopping into the shower but will be back quickly if I need to clarify anything.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 "Son, the balance in our relationship has gotten off. I love you. I will be fair. But I will not allow you to decide the structure and power of this anymore. "Listen" is not synonymous with "do what you say". From now on, when I say "enough", the discussion is over. If you do not honor that, privileges will be taken away." And I'd avoid petty engagements and power struggles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) I think having been away for a month might be part of it. It takes us awhile to get back into our groove after time off. I usually try not to react too strongly and just respond very matter of fact when my sons get like that. Then we keep plugging along and eventually things run more smoothly. Thanks for your words, even just reading that other people's kids "get like that" is a comfort. (When he gets really obstinate and acts contrary to all reason, I can't help but wonder to myself if he has a screw loose.) I should remember also that he is not very adaptable to change so perhaps he got in the groove of traveling and maybe being at home is the new "change." As a complete aside, your avatar has always made me laugh. Edited February 23, 2011 by WyoSylvia Clarity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 For me, I will not engage in power struggles with my dc, especially at the age of 7yo. If my dc cannot handle being corrected by me or being given a say in things without fighting then they have no say, period. I give instruction, they receive it; I correct, they listen. Until such time as they can handle being under my authority and accepting my instruction/correction they have no say in how things go. "Son, the balance in our relationship has gotten off. I love you. I will be fair. But I will not allow you to decide the structure and power of this anymore. "Listen" is not synonymous with "do what you say". From now on, when I say "enough", the discussion is over. If you do not honor that, privileges will be taken away." :iagree: My 10yos is given this: "Zip it." That's all because that's all he can handle. He knows when he hears that out my mouth that he'd better stop, better shut his mouth. We began this about 2 years ago and I know had I not handled him in the way I did (taking away all say he had) that I would have an out-of-control child on my hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 "Son, the balance in our relationship has gotten off. I love you. I will be fair. But I will not allow you to decide the structure and power of this anymore. "Listen" is not synonymous with "do what you say". From now on, when I say "enough", the discussion is over. If you do not honor that, privileges will be taken away." And I'd avoid petty engagements and power struggles. :iagree: I'll add to this another good line: "I have heard what you want. I have decided we will do X. No more discussion." If there is continued meltdown or protests, then that is an obedience issue to be addressed with chores or time-outs or whatever seems appropriate. It would need to be something that removes your child from that situation temporarily. Then when he returns to that situation or activity, you might just open by saying, "Okay, you remember I decided for us to do X." Then do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianmomtofour Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I will always be understanding and sympathetic if my kids are tired, under the weather, or coming off a long break; however, that is no excuse for being disrespectful in the classroom. I get it. I am having a very difficult time with my almost 7yo right now too. We start every school day with a list of expectations, (ie. respect, obedience, etc.), and if he does not meet these expectations he knows privileges will be lost. I have to be very firm. Hope that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 "Son, the balance in our relationship has gotten off. I love you. I will be fair. But I will not allow you to decide the structure and power of this anymore. "Listen" is not synonymous with "do what you say". From now on, when I say "enough", the discussion is over. If you do not honor that, privileges will be taken away." And I'd avoid petty engagements and power struggles. :iagree: Yes, this. My DS is REALLY bad at this. We're working hard on teaching him that listening to him doesn't always mean agreeing with him, doing it his way, or stopping the world to suit him. It's an ongoing process. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 "Son, the balance in our relationship has gotten off. I love you. I will be fair. But I will not allow you to decide the structure and power of this anymore. "Listen" is not synonymous with "do what you say". From now on, when I say "enough", the discussion is over. If you do not honor that, privileges will be taken away." And I'd avoid petty engagements and power struggles. I said much of what you wrote (and he lost lots of privileges while he couldn't button it) but I think I definitely need to add the Listen sentence. I can be somewhat dictatorial because I am also stubborn so I was trying to give him some say. I'm anything but a namby-pamby mom. It seems like whenever I try to compromise with him it backfires. I didn't say "enough" because I honestly couldn't believe that he couldn't get the logic and fairness of what I was saying. I think I'll just print out your comment and repeat it verbatim in the future. My way obviously didn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you all such much. I don't feel half so bad about the situation now. I just don't know any kids his age and I often wonder what's typical. I'm glad to know that when I say my usual "Fix it!" (which is my version of "zip it") that I'm not being so uncompromising as I'd feared. You are all making me feel downright normal!!! Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Suggestion: On a totally separate occasion....away from school, have a discussion about jobs. Talk about what different people's jobs are, and why we need someone to do these jobs. In this discussion include that as a kid, he has some important jobs too. One job is to play. Playing is a very important job for a kid. Another is to do school and learn. Another job is to listen to a parent, follow directions. For your job as a parent you have jobs. Use 3 examples that make sense. ie Keeping kids safe, meeting needs like food/shelter, loving your kids. For a teacher use 3 examples. Teach the children new things, help the children when the make a mistake, encourage the children to to their best. Direct this conversation to what happens when people do their jobs correctly and if they did their jobs poorly. Allow the dialogue to occur over a few days or a week, building as you go to discuss, more details over time. Nudge the conversation to 'my job as a teacher is to help you do you best, and part of that is helping you see if you make a mistake, and to fix it so when you learn new things, they are correct.' Make silly but valid examples like what if you let him think that Bathrooms were only for baths, and Restrooms were only for Rest. Then if he was at a park and needed to go potty....what would he do if it was labeled Bathroom/Restroom? Would he have to leave the park for the day to find a place to go? In this scenario, if you taught him that these words also meant potty-room, he could stay at the park and use one of those....then go back to playing. You can use the 'my job as a teacher is to xyz. Your job as a student is xyz.' in many ways over the years of homeschooling and also translates well into traditional learning situations. If he is keen to visual learning you can also make simple books with computer paper and drawings to make 'social stories' to reinforce your points. If he is a silly kid, allow some silly contributions, but also make sure there are 2-3 valid points being brought up at each session. It he is a techie, make it a tech project. If he is a scifi kid, allow him to give you suggestions in a sci-fi plot line. Whatever works for him. By allowing his personality to show through in the dialogue, it will stick more and make more permanent connections. ie on the last paragraph: When my kids were little we did a 'we all need to get along' like a bunch of grapes project. If one grape pushes on another grape (is grumpy), the whole bunch can feel it (we illustrated it with a bunch of grapes). We made up a silly story with silly grape voices. After that, when someone was being snotty, we would say 'that is not very grapey of them' in a silly voice. It would break the mood, but everyone understood what was meant by it, and usually the laughter could help bring the grumpy person out of it or at least raise awareness that they were affecting everyone around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Suggestion: On a totally separate occasion....away from school, have a discussion about jobs. ... Make silly but valid examples like what if you let him think that Bathrooms were only for baths, and Restrooms were only for Rest... If he is a silly kid, allow some silly contributions, but also make sure there are 2-3 valid points being brought up at each session. 'we all need to get along' like a bunch of grapes project. These are great ideas. I think they would really work for him plus remind me that he doesn't have adult logical thinking yet. Thank you for being so specific. That's very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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