Help me not put my son up for sale!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

He's driving me CRAZY! He is so frustrated. I know part of that is that he can't communicate. We're watching Baby Signing Times and really working with the signs. We're also starting speech therapy soon. But, I'm not sure if that is our only problem. Maybe we have some behavior issues going on too?

 

He is really insistent on getting his way or what he wants. If it doesn't happen, he bites, pulls hair, smacks, scratches, etc. We have gotten pretty good at intervening BEFORE he is able to do anything to his siblings/us. However, he then does it to himself instead. You can tell he is just so ANGRY.

 

So, what have we tried? I repeatedly ask him "are you mad?" to give him a word to use. I've stayed calm. I've gotten angry. I've spanked. I do timeouts. Which presents a whole other issue. He won't stay, so I have to sit in front of him and not react. He tries to hit me, bite me, pull my hair and get up. When I won't let him, he bangs his head off the wall, tries to rip his face off, pulls his own hair, bites his hand, etc. Once his minute is up, and I allow him to get up, he immediately calms and snuggles me.

 

So, how do I help him? I'm going to lose my mind. I feel like he is constantly upset and I'm always putting him in timeout or dealing with his outbursts. Is this just a communication issue?

 

Thank you for all the advice you all have to offer every time I ask. I don't know what I'd do without the wealth of knowledge I've found here.

[Tylianna]

Is it your 19 mo old that you are talking about? I had A girl who wouldnt talkl until she was almost THREE! When she started we couldnt get her to stop.

 

My second girl was the way you describe, but not as violent. She got frustrated and cried a lot. Speech therapy did not help much, but gave us ideas. Try having pictures of food or whatever he needs, so he can go to a folder and point to what he wants. Talk to him more. When he wants something and you figure it out, say "you want the toy? Here is the blue truck!" or "you want crackers for a aback, here you go" etc.

 

It doesn't last long, I promise. Unless there are other issues. We got help from First Steps, but programs in other states may vary.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Yes, my now almost 20 month old.

 

He's been evaluated by EI and found to be at about a 9-12m level for his expressive communication. His receptive communication seems to be pretty average for his age. Although he struggled with pointing to objects when asked, and matching picture to picture or object to picture.

 

We narrate a LOT! I'm constantly saying what things are, asking him to repeat a word, etc.

[Parrothead]

He's driving me CRAZY! He is so frustrated. I know part of that is that he can't communicate. We're watching Baby Signing Times and really working with the signs. We're also starting speech therapy soon. But, I'm not sure if that is our only problem. Maybe we have some behavior issues going on too?

 

He is really insistent on getting his way or what he wants. If it doesn't happen, he bites, pulls hair, smacks, scratches, etc. We have gotten pretty good at intervening BEFORE he is able to do anything to his siblings/us. However, he then does it to himself instead. You can tell he is just so ANGRY.

 

So, what have we tried? I repeatedly ask him "are you mad?" to give him a word to use. I've stayed calm. I've gotten angry. I've spanked. I do timeouts. Which presents a whole other issue. He won't stay, so I have to sit in front of him and not react. He tries to hit me, bite me, pull my hair and get up. When I won't let him, he bangs his head off the wall, tries to rip his face off, pulls his own hair, bites his hand, etc. Once his minute is up, and I allow him to get up, he immediately calms and snuggles me.

 

So, how do I help him? I'm going to lose my mind. I feel like he is constantly upset and I'm always putting him in timeout or dealing with his outbursts. Is this just a communication issue?

 

Thank you for all the advice you all have to offer every time I ask. I don't know what I'd do without the wealth of knowledge I've found here.

He very well may have a couple of things going on. First he can't/won't talk. You'll have to find a way for communication. Try pictures for words. Take his photo when he is happy, sleeping, etc. Take pix of his toys and a variety of foods. Print them all out.

 

Second he doesn't handle his anger well. That may partly be because he can't tell his side of it. Chances are once he does talk you'll have a junior attorney on your hands. Maybe when time out is needed you sit him in your lap in the appropriate place and hold on to his hands so he doesn't hurt himself. Maybe a pillow between your chest and his head. Also maybe some sessions for you and dad with a counselor to help you understand what you can do for your ds.

 

Hope that helps some.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, if you're a love and logic kinda gal, I called when I babysat for a little girl.... she bit, pulled hair... etc... They said that "time-out" for these types of problems is longer than 1 minute per year.... Does he understand you?? When I nannied, the little girl I took care of... I never spanked. BUT, when she threw a fit... at the mall... I just matter of factly said ..."wow, too bad.. you were gonna get a cookie... and now it's not gonna happen." Bought a cookie for her sister and me.... and ate them! She didn't ever throw another fit... (She was 19 or 20 months old.)

Sometimes, when you don't catch yours before he bites... one of his siblings will get ticked... and bite him back.... it'll stop :)

NOW, what I don't suggest... is that you think about Hot Sauce :) And, if you would do that... don't video record it :)

For a suggestion about biting, you can say... "When you get mad, take a bite of apple" Even give him a treat after, if he remembers to bite the apple... be really proud of him... and give him a bitty treat... (Like a natural gummy or something) Who cares if he gets a few more treats... if it helps, right?? It'll be more fun to get a treat... than to bite ;) (Of course, keep the apple where he knows where it is.... or whatever "crunchy" good that you feel is safe:) And... btw, this can be something that happens more when they are teething.... And, even though you'll feel bad if/when it happens... one sister or brother biting back... might be what stops it, too...

[Upstatemamma]

What about putting him in a room where he can't hurt himself. It doesn't have to be empty. It can even have toys or something fun. Just tell him when you are acting like that you cannot be around the rest of the family. I will come check on you in a bit and if you are calm you can come downstairs. He might be doing it for attention. So, you want to give him as little as possible. Language frustration can be very difficult.

[rwilliams]

I have worked with children who have delayed communication and have frustration like you are describing. I have ALOT of empathy for the child's frustration and would recommend really paying attention to him as much as possible. Just observing him......you will begin to recognize things that you may have been missing and will be able to meet his need and also give him a way to ask for it. Example......leave his juice cup where he can find it easily always in the same spot. When his is thirsty have him hand you the juice cup to indicate what he wants. If you have the time to watch him you will be able to figure out his wants more easily.

[rwilliams]

After reading some other posts....I just had to post again. I feel strongly that putting him in time-out alone for this is just mean. I believe in spanking my own son....so I am not a push-over Mom but this situation is different. He is so frustrated he can not stand it!! As Mom....if you have to stop a bad behavior do it with empathy and love and you help him to channel his frustration. Leaving him with this level of anger alone or without empathy is like abandoning him when he needs you most. Sorry to post such a strong response but I tend to have too much empathy for children in need and I see this as a need!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

After reading some other posts....I just had to post again. I feel strongly that putting him in time-out alone for this is just mean. I believe in spanking my own son....so I am not a push-over Mom but this situation is different. He is so frustrated he can not stand it!! As Mom....if you have to stop a bad behavior do it with empathy and love and you help him to channel his frustration. Leaving him with this level of anger alone or without empathy is like abandoning him when he needs you most. Sorry to post such a strong response but I tend to have too much empathy for children in need and I see this as a need!

 

Honestly, I don't disagree at all!! It was just one more thing to try. Clearly it isn't working very well. Although, when he is frustrated and angry, nothing calms him except giving him what he wants, which often times is not possible. I try to distract & offer alternatives, but he's stubborn!!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Um....anything he can't have really. Computers, DD's workbooks (when she's using them), food that someone else is eating (often has dairy and he can't have dairy), cords, anything he can get his little hands on that he can't have. We do our best to keep things out of sight and in places he can't get to them, but inevitably he finds things and others are unavoidable. He often wants things when they are in use (pens, pencils, food, etc.....) but when you give him his own, he isn't happy. He climbs onto the kitchen table, reaches on the counters, gets in the garbage, etc.

[FriedClams]

One thing that made a big difference with my boy when he was younger was to make sure I spoke his love language before we started into the day, and again throughout the day. He's a touch kid, so it helped our day a lot to start with snuggles on the couch or something, and then after lunch to snuggle and read or talk a little. It wasn't perfect, but it helped him to remain more calm. Not sure if it'll help any - but it may help you to stay connected throughout the tough toddler times.

[Susan C.]

Here's what I see: He is #3 in line. Two older siblings ahead of him doing everything he would love to be doing but can't because he either isn't allowed, or can't because he is too young. That alone would be frustrating.

 

Maybe go the other direction, and have a day (or several hour block of time) that is just his. Do things he can do and loves to do with him. Even better if it is just you and him. I used to take my son out when he was little and acting up and showered him with attention. We went to his favorite fast food place, sat in the parking lot and watched cars (he loved doing that), and bought him a hot wheels car (he really loved those).

 

When we had our second, they were four years apart. The older, ds, was talking like crazy, about 9 or 10 y/o. He was with a friend, so we took dd, about 5 or 6 y/o to dinner. She sat and didn't say a word. We realized that ds was stealing the show, and she was getting lost in the shuffle. So we made it a point to have more conversations with just her (and have more one on one time) to get her to come out of her shell.

 

The little guy just might want to know and feel he is "on your radar screen." When little ones are frustrated, they act out because they can't communicate yet. I still even deal with this with a teenager, they still don't come out and say when they are bothered. Still act up.

[rwilliams]

Can you on purpose place new interesting things around where he will find them. Strew his path with interesting things. Here are some ideas to occupy him.

 

Fill a big box the low long kind that will fit under the bed with rice. Put interesting things in it.. Plastic animals to hide, kitchen tongs to pick them up with, funnels, cups, spoons.....make it interesting things. Place a large sheet on the floor and put the box on top for him to play with. If he breaks the rules of eating the rice or throwing it ....it goes away.

 

Put him in the bathtub with a can a shaving cream and more animals and toys.

 

Put him at the kitchen sink boxed in with kitchen chairs for safety and turn on the water with detergent to make bubbles with cups etc....Give him a one of those hand mixers for beating eggs to mix bubbles.

 

Try to develop activities for him that are open-ended and safe that will keep him occupied.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Can you on purpose place new interesting things around where he will find them. Strew his path with interesting things. Here are some ideas to occupy him.

 

Fill a big box the low long kind that will fit under the bed with rice. Put interesting things in it.. Plastic animals to hide, kitchen tongs to pick them up with, funnels, cups, spoons.....make it interesting things. Place a large sheet on the floor and put the box on top for him to play with. If he breaks the rules of eating the rice or throwing it ....it goes away.

 

Put him in the bathtub with a can a shaving cream and more animals and toys.

 

Put him at the kitchen sink boxed in with kitchen chairs for safety and turn on the water with detergent to make bubbles with cups etc....Give him a one of those hand mixers for beating eggs to mix bubbles.

 

Try to develop activities for him that are open-ended and safe that will keep him occupied.

 

Funny that you brought this up, because I just started a sensory box thread just this morning :) He is playing in a box of rice right now and LOVING it!

[DawnM]

My middle son didn't talk until he was 3 either.

 

My oldest however, who started talking at 12 months, was the one who pitched FITS about almost everything. He is 13 now and fits still sometimes happen, just differently. He has Asperger's though and gets frustrated very easily.

 

As for advice.....I don't know that I have any other than, this too shall pass. I used to say I couldn't wait for the toddler stage to be over! My friends told me I would miss it once they were older. I can honestly, 100% say that they were WRONG! I don't miss it AT ALL and am thankful everyone can now take care of their own clothing needs, their own bathroom needs, and their own verbal needs. I am so not a little kid person.