Need Godly Wisdom: Effective Conflict Resolution: how to help our kids

[specialmama]

I've researched a little on effective conflict resolution out of necessity. My dh's family loves to pretend everything is alright and we never end up resolving anything. It chips away at relationships instead of building them stronger. Denial (everything is fine) and diversion (but YOU did xyz) don't seem to work to repair the damage done by a conflict.

 

That said, how do you help your logic stage (or *just* entering logic level) dc resolve conflict? If they and a good friend who they see frequently have a falling out, what do you do? Supposing you and the mom are good friends and the kids are always seeing each other, and both families wish to seek God's hand and reflect His mercy, grace and love.

 

I have the idea that it is an opportunity to help coach our dc in social situations, how to be a friend, how to resolve conflict effectively. But how much hand holding is enough? How much is too much? What if one child doesn't want to talk about it at all? What if one needs to talk about it in order to move forward? What if you love this family so much that you really, really want to help fix it? What if your idea of resolution and the other family's idea of resolution are different? What is your definition of resolution?

 

Disclaimer: and to the lovely mom who may stumble upon this, please realize I love you and struggled with posting this. I'm in such inner turmoil that I can't sleep and am praying for some guidance here before I call you later on. I've left it vague and am hoping for no attacks on either side, but seeking rather some balanced, outside source of wisdom. :grouphug: I want our girls to move past this. :grouphug:

[1Togo]

Sent pm.

Edited January 13, 2011 by 1Togo

[lisabees]

Your post practically put tears in my eyes. HUGS to you. :grouphug:

 

I haven't experienced much of this - my three older ones are boys. They just don't usually have this kind of problem. ;)

 

I would just talk to your dd. Understand the heart of the issue. Make sure she understands it as well. Let her know that it's okay to express her emotions. Is she comfortable talking to her friend about this? Is it a matter of your dd holding a grudge or is the other girl being so hurtful, that your dd should stay away?

 

I have learned that friends drift apart, especially during the logic stage, as interests and personalities start taking hold. And that's okay. As long as you and the other mother verbally acknowledge it to each other and accept it, your friendship will continue. As adults, we know that friends serve different purposes at different times in our lives. We know that they evolve into different relationships - it's only natural. If your dd and the other girl cannot get back what they once had, remember that they still have their history. They still have wonderful memories that they will cherish and will bond them forever. So, you and this family can still get together and enjoy each other. The girls may be uncomfortable, but they'll adjust to their new situation. It's all part of growing up.

 

Now...if these girls are being hotheaded and won't budge from their position or if these girls are being hurtful to each other, more talking must be done. But, in the end, they need to be mature enough to deal with their emotions and sometimes that takes a year or two.

 

I am sure there are plenty of ways to deal with this. I am not a mother that gets overly involved with my kids' friendships. I don't call other mothers if there is an issue. But - I will talk and talk to my kids about everything.

 

I wish you the best. I can see how heartbreaking this is. Dear friends are hard to come by and you sure don't want to let that go. :grouphug:

[specialmama]

Sent pm.

:grouphug: thank you.

 

Your post practically put tears in my eyes. HUGS to you. :grouphug:

 

I haven't experienced much of this - my three older ones are boys. They just don't usually have this kind of problem. ;)

 

I would just talk to your dd. Understand the heart of the issue. Make sure she understands it as well. Let her know that it's okay to express her emotions. Is she comfortable talking to her friend about this? Is it a matter of your dd holding a grudge or is the other girl being so hurtful, that your dd should stay away?

 

I have learned that friends drift apart, especially during the logic stage, as interests and personalities start taking hold. And that's okay. As long as you and the other mother verbally acknowledge it to each other and accept it, your friendship will continue. As adults, we know that friends serve different purposes at different times in our lives. We know that they evolve into different relationships - it's only natural. If your dd and the other girl cannot get back what they once had, remember that they still have their history. They still have wonderful memories that they will cherish and will bond them forever. So, you and this family can still get together and enjoy each other. The girls may be uncomfortable, but they'll adjust to their new situation. It's all part of growing up.

 

Now...if these girls are being hotheaded and won't budge from their position or if these girls are being hurtful to each other, more talking must be done. But, in the end, they need to be mature enough to deal with their emotions and sometimes that takes a year or two.

 

I am sure there are plenty of ways to deal with this. I am not a mother that gets overly involved with my kids' friendships. I don't call other mothers if there is an issue. But - I will talk and talk to my kids about everything.

 

I wish you the best. I can see how heartbreaking this is. Dear friends are hard to come by and you sure don't want to let that go. :grouphug:

 

Thank you, Lisa. I don't like the idea of friends drifting apart, but I know you are right. I went through it from grade 6-9. Thank you for reminding me about all the changes that happen then! Your point about the parents verbally acknowledging it and accepting it has me thinking... I'll have to ponder that for a while, thank you. Dear friends are very hard to come by, and this particular friend was a direct gift from God, I prayed and He answered. I tend to treasure my gifts. :D Thank you again for your reply. I do appreciate it.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I agree w/ the pp. This does happen. You really have to decide if they're changing or if they're being hotheaded. If either or both girl is being stubborn and together they cannot work it out, I'd get in agreement with the other mother, then together, I'd approach the dds telling them plainly where each of them is wrong. DD1 - you are behaving this way and causing this to happen. DD1, you are behaving this way and causing this to happen. Speak plainly, then tell them how Jesus would handle the situation differently. USE SCRIPTURE. They can disagree with you, but not God's word. It's unlikely either one is blameless. Sometimes, I have to jump in w/ my girls (less so w/ my boys) b/c they just need a model of conflict resolution.

 

Sometimes, they don't see other people's perspectives, much less God's.

Sometimes, they don't understand what they do or say is hurtful or that a different person may simply receive differently, causing anger, hurt of frustration. At times, that has led to my counsel being, "Suck it up and keep loving your friend. She needs time to grow, so be an example of Christ and offer love and grace unconditionally." Other times, it has amounted to, "You need to decide if you can handle this friendship and remain kind and gracious. If the answer is no, then the friendship is a stumbling block for you and I encourage you to step away." I have shared stories of lost friendships, as well as, renewed ones and told them where I went wrong. Then, I always return to the Redemption of our Lord. If He offers me such, then I hope to offer the same to all and would pray many would reciprocate.

 

I also want to add, that sometimes, you can be friends with a mom and your children not spend time together. I get that is often logistically inconvenient; nonetheless, it is true. I have a friend who I enjoy, but I can't stand her kids, nor can my children. I find them unruly, bossy, and quite honestly, plain annoying. She knows the "freedom" (that's what she calls it) is more like "out of control" (what I call it), so we get along just fine as grown women. We can talk about husbands, life, dreams, school choices, and even enjoy a glass(es) of wine, just not discipline. Believe it or not, it works out just fine and we've been friends for many years. Our kids don't like each other and that's A-OK b/c we LOVE each other enough to cover it!

 

:grouphug: to both families. I know this is hard and it hurts. May God's richest blesses reside with you all and may this turn out to be an excellent teaching moment to carry out the love and grace offered to each of us, through Christ Jesus.

 

eta: should this end in a split for the girls, remember 2 things: it may not be forever and after the anger subsides, they'll need a good cry. Especially if they can't remember life w/o each other. It's a serious loss. We went through this with a friend dd had since age 3. They started jr. high and the friend headed in some wrong directions. We tried to real her in, but it didn't work and dd decided to leave the friendship. It was hard and sad. They were very near sisters....and also nearly my daughter :(

Edited January 13, 2011 by johnandtinagilbert

[specialmama]

I agree w/ the pp. This does happen. You really have to decide if they're changing or if they're being hotheaded. If either or both girl is being stubborn and together they cannot work it out, I'd get in agreement with the other mother, then together, I'd approach the dds telling them plainly where each of them is wrong. DD1 - you are behaving this way and causing this to happen. DD1, you are behaving this way and causing this to happen. Speak plainly, then tell them how Jesus would handle the situation differently. USE SCRIPTURE. They can disagree with you, but not God's word. It's unlikely either one is blameless. Sometimes, I have to jump in w/ my girls (less so w/ my boys) b/c they just need a model of conflict resolution.

 

Sometimes, they don't see other people's perspectives, much less God's.

Sometimes, they don't understand what they do or say is hurtful or that a different person may simply receive differently, causing anger, hurt of frustration. At times, that has led to my counsel being, "Suck it up and keep loving your friend. She needs time to grow, so be an example of Christ and offer love and grace unconditionally." Other times, it has amounted to, "You need to decide if you can handle this friendship and remain kind and gracious. If the answer is no, then the friendship is a stumbling block for you and I encourage you to step away." I have shared stories of lost friendships, as well as, renewed ones and told them where I went wrong. Then, I always return to the Redemption of our Lord. If He offers me such, then I hope to offer the same to all and would pray many would reciprocate.

 

I also want to add, that sometimes, you can be friends with a mom and your children not spend time together. I get that is often logistically inconvenient; nonetheless, it is true. I have a friend who I enjoy, but I can't stand her kids, nor can my children. I find them unruly, bossy, and quite honestly, plain annoying. She knows the "freedom" (that's what she calls it) is more like "out of control" (what I call it), so we get along just fine as grown women. We can talk about husbands, life, dreams, school choices, and even enjoy a glass(es) of wine, just not discipline. Believe it or not, it works out just fine and we've been friends for many years. Our kids don't like each other and that's A-OK b/c we LOVE each other enough to cover it!

 

:grouphug: to both families. I know this is hard and it hurts. May God's richest blesses reside with you all and may this turn out to be an excellent teaching moment to carry out the love and grace offered to each of us, through Christ Jesus.

 

eta: should this end in a split for the girls, remember 2 things: it may not be forever and after the anger subsides, they'll need a good cry. Especially if they can't remember life w/o each other. It's a serious loss. We went through this with a friend dd had since age 3. They started jr. high and the friend headed in some wrong directions. We tried to real her in, but it didn't work and dd decided to leave the friendship. It was hard and sad. They were very near sisters....and also nearly my daughter :(

 

Tina, bless you. Thank you for response. I'm on overload right now and will reply in a while... thank you... :grouphug:

[DianeJM]

I am all for guiding our kids through conflicts, talking about it and praying about it and helping them out each step of the way. That's great training. How I wish my parents had done that for me.

 

Many blessings to you, as you go through this trial.

[PeterPan]

I know nothing about this church at this link except that their page on conflict resolution and counseling popped up a number of books I was going to suggest to you. http://www.grahamchurch.org/Resources/counseling-resources.html

 

Anything on that list by Jay Adams is good. Our church went through the Peacemaker materials. Just lots of goodies on this list. The whole idea of nouthetic counseling (what Jay Adams teaches) is the idea that ANY Christian can and has the responsibility to confront over sin. It shows how, and makes a case for when to confront and how to do it. I think it will give you the understanding you need about why it's ok to bring things out into the open and why it's even necessary.

 

Now I'll say one more thing. I think sometimes the situation you're talking about comes about partly because of personality. You might have some of the people who maybe take longer to get their thoughts out, are less verbal, whatever. Then there are those of us for whom everything just rolls off the tongue. Some people need to be alone and have quiet to sort through things, and some people sort through things by talking. If we understand *why* someone handles things the way they do, it can help. I'm not saying it's not important to move in the direction of a biblical approach to handling problems. I'm just suggesting that people start where they start. It's something they grow in, over a lifetime (hopefully).

[HSMom2One]

My heart goes out to you, SpecialMama! So sorry for the grief you are facing over this situation. I agree with lisabees that sometimes with logic age girls there can be a natural drifting apart. I've noticed over the years of my life that a conflict of any size can be the catalyst for what would inevitably be up ahead anyway. It just speeds up the process. One of my dd's closest friends is showing signs of that and it really is hard because they've been friends since the age of 3 and my dd loves her so much. But as I think back at my own life I see that seasons come and go, bringing new friends into the picture and we do survive.

 

But drifting apart may or may not be what's happening...

 

As a rule, I try to let dd and her friends resolve difficult issues on their own, but I stay tuned in. If something is really bothering dd, she will open up and I try to just listen for a while and ask questions. We then talk about it and I always try to point her to prayer and wisdom from the Word of God. My goal is to help her think through the situation from a Christian point of view instead of reacting completely from human emotion.

 

This has helped a great deal during the past year or more, but there was an instance last summer that became apparently too much for dd and her friend to resolve on their own. Because this friend is a member of a family that is very close to our own family, we came to a point that I felt I should talk to the other mother. The other mom and I discussed what was happening from both sides and then I asked for permission for the two of us to meet with both girls. She agreed, and so we did sit down at the table and talk.

 

I think it really helped our girls to know that both moms cared enough to step in. They realized that they had reached a place that was beyond their level of maturity and wisdom to solve. Having it out in the open was also good because it meant that they would be accountable from that point on over the issue. And that was really what they needed the most. It made a huge difference for the girls and they moved on, became closer friends and are now doing really well in their relationship. I honestly doubt that without moms stepping in that they would have been able to move forward in a healthy way. They are still young enough to need godly wisdom and guidance over some things.

 

I think for this type of intervention to succeed, it really has to be a rare issue though. We can't as moms step in to help solve every debate, but we can keep our ears to the ground and pray, keep our own dc talking to us about their relationships and problems they face, and we should be ready to step in if necessary. At this age, girls have their little squabbles and need to learn to work through them.

 

The biggest help I've found in raising a dd is through including Bible study in our daily lives. We both have our own times for this. When dd sees that seeking God's wisdom is important to me it matters a lot. And as she studies for her own self, she hears that wisdom from God Himself and not just from me, her mother.

 

I hope things are already starting to work out since yesterday for your situation. Please know I'll be praying for you.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda