Help! My 11 year old just doesn't want to listen.

[vlgimmelli]

Hello,

 

My 11 year old just doesn't want to listen to me and when I reprimand him he laughs in my face....it is so hurtful. I feel so hurt. He has lost respect for me and I do not know what to do. Sometimes I have contemplated sending him back to school since he would probably listen to a teacher rather than me. I have read some parenting books and have tried different things and they just don't work for me. I have been told to purchase Tedd Tripp : "Shepherding a Child's Heart" and I have been told it would help me to help him. Just wanted some feedback out there in regards to anyone who has read this book and has applied the principles and has helped their families.

Thanks for listening and for your help.

Lillian:confused:

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: Sounds like you are talking about my 12yo son. He is extremely disrespectful to me and I have contemplated the same as you. But that is what he wants! So...we battle. Removal of privileges is my weapon of choice. Can't say it really works b/c he doesn't act any better but at least he knows who is boss, kwim? Have dh talk to ds...that helps around here. Something about the man-to-man thing. Sorry you are going through this, too.

[deacongirl]

I find this book to be extremely effective.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtured-Approach/dp/0967050707/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1287284602&sr=1-1

[Laurie4b]

These 11 year old boy threads resurface frequently. There is a reason for that: aliens have been attacking earth for some time now. They take our sons between the ages of 11-14ish, returning some earlier, some later. In addition to siphoning off brain power so that our sons cannot do math they could do last year, they inject them with material that causes them to drive their mothers crazy.

 

Advice (this assumes this is a new behavior, not something your ds has been doing all his life) :

 

Lots of exercise, particularly heavy exercise

 

Dh needs to step up and you need to step back. A good part of this is "separating from mother as a step toward becoming a man." Many other societies have rituals that officially remove a boy from his mother's care to the care of the men of the tribe. :) But this seems to be step in most boys' development. So try to shift to speaking to him less like a little boy and more like a man, showing respect for his thinking, etc. Step back from being in charge of him as much is possible. Dh can do it or ds himself. Let dh become more of the disciplinarian--and really, discipline begins to taper off gradually. You've now passed the stage of "pouring into him". Now as parents, you are gently steering him, and you'll be doing even that less and less.

 

Step up the mom things your son likes that don't place you in a position of control over him, such as cooking his favorite meals, taking him to the movies, etc.

 

It helps some boys a great deal if dh not only steps up both in bonding time and discipline but if dh makes it a matter of how this man-wanna-be is talking to dh's wife (as opposed to ds's mother.) Does that make sense? "You may not treat my wife that way or you will have me to deal with and you don't want me to deal with. For disrespecting my wife and laughing in her face, you're going to need to _____ ("cut a lot of wood Saturday" or something like that) ," rather than, "You shouldn't treat to your mother like that." Dh has had smart-alecky 11-14 year olds do hard physical labor to earn money to take me out to dinner as a show of respect. That subtly moves ds out from the mother-son conflict and puts him into conflict with a protective husband.

 

Decide that you are going to survive this, and if you and ds are both surviving at any point, you're doing okay. :) Really, my experience has been that it passes almost as suddenly as it showed up. The aliens let go of your sweet son and he's back. So try to steer gently in the meantime. Don't overreact or overcorrect when ds "runs off the road" a bit. He's just learning to "drive" his own life. And get dh to tell him he'd better not hear any guy laughing in his wife's face again.

Edited December 10, 2010 by Laurie4b

[hillfarm]

We just finished the Ted Tripp DVD's on Sheparding a Child's Heart. I totally agree with his basic premise, which is that behavior springs from one's internal condition and beliefs. However, I found him to be a bit vague regarding how exactly to cause your dc to have a change of heart that would reduce bad behavior and increase good behavior. I wouldn't buy the book, but it might be worth tracking down through interlibrary loan.

 

Laughing in your face is rudeness and dishonoring to you. Your dh should step up and make it clear to your ds that he will not have his wife dishonored in this way by anyone, expecially not the son she does so much for. You should not put up with this behavior and should work with your dh to develop a series of if/then consequences and then make your ds aware of what his behavior will bring upon him should he persist. (Tripp believes in spanking as one method to achieve this.)

 

I totally agree with the pp who recommended enormous amounts of work or exercise. You ds should be too tired to pick fights by the end of the day.

 

And definitely don't stop when the going gets hard. Because as unpleasant as this is at 11, it will be lots worse when he is 16 if you haven't gotten a handle on it. Keep in mind that you are doing not only him a favor by teaching him to show respect and appropriate behavior, but also his future wife/mother of your dgc, and the dgc themselves who need the security of seeing a father respect his wife and the other women in his life. Don't blow this off - it is an important battle and you are to be commended for being concerned and working to win it.

[Tarreymere]

These 11 year old boy threads resurface frequently. There is a reason for that: aliens have been attacking earth for some time now. They take our sons between the ages of 11-14ish, returning some earlier, some later. In addition to siphoning off brain power so that our sons cannot do math they could do last year, they inject them with material that causes them to drive their mothers crazy.

 

Advice (this assumes this is a new behavior, not something your ds has been doing all his life) :

 

Lots of exercise, particularly heavy exercise

 

Dh needs to step up and you need to step back. A good part of this is "separating from mother as a step toward becoming a man." Many other societies have rituals that officially remove a boy from his mother's care to the care of the men of the tribe. :) But this seems to be step in most boys' development. So try to shift to speaking to him less like a little boy and more like a man, showing respect for his thinking, etc. Step back from being in charge of him as much is possible. Dh can do it or ds himself. Let dh become more of the disciplinarian--and really, discipline begins to taper off gradually. You've now passed the stage of "pouring into him". Now as parents, you are gently steering him, and you'll be doing even that less and less.

 

Step up the mom things your son likes that don't place you in a position of control over him, such as cooking his favorite meals, take him to the movies, etc.

 

It helps some boys a great deal if dh not only steps up both in bonding time and discipline but if dh makes it a matter of how this man-wanna-be is talking to dh's wife (as opposed to ds's mother.) Does that make sense? "You may not treat my wife that way or you will have me to deal with and you don't want me to deal with. For disrespecting my wife and laughing in her face, you're going to need to _____ ("cut a lot of wood Saturday" or something like that) ," rather than, "You shouldn't treat to your mother like that." Dh has had smart-alecky 11-14 year olds do hard physical labor to earn money to take me out to dinner as a show of respect. That subtly moves ds out from the mother-son conflict and puts him into conflict with a protective husband.

 

Decide that you are going to survive this, and if you and ds are both surviving at any point, you're doing okay. :) Really, my experience has been that it passes almost as suddenly as it showed up. The aliens let go of your sweet son and he's back. So try to steer gently in the meantime. Don't overreact or overcorrect when ds "runs off the road" a bit. He's just learning to "drive" his own life. And get dh to tell him he'd better not hear any guy laughing in his wife's face again.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Lizzie in Ma]

These 11 year old boy threads resurface frequently. There is a reason for that: aliens have been attacking earth for some time now. They take our sons between the ages of 11-14ish, returning some earlier, some later. In addition to siphoning off brain power so that our sons cannot do math they could do last year, they inject them with material that causes them to drive their mothers crazy.

 

Advice (this assumes this is a new behavior, not something your ds has been doing all his life) :

 

Lots of exercise, particularly heavy exercise

 

Dh needs to step up and you need to step back. A good part of this is "separating from mother as a step toward becoming a man." Many other societies have rituals that officially remove a boy from his mother's care to the care of the men of the tribe. :) But this seems to be step in most boys' development. So try to shift to speaking to him less like a little boy and more like a man, showing respect for his thinking, etc. Step back from being in charge of him as much is possible. Dh can do it or ds himself. Let dh become more of the disciplinarian--and really, discipline begins to taper off gradually. You've now passed the stage of "pouring into him". Now as parents, you are gently steering him, and you'll be doing even that less and less.

 

Step up the mom things your son likes that don't place you in a position of control over him, such as cooking his favorite meals, taking him to the movies, etc.

 

It helps some boys a great deal if dh not only steps up both in bonding time and discipline but if dh makes it a matter of how this man-wanna-be is talking to dh's wife (as opposed to ds's mother.) Does that make sense? "You may not treat my wife that way or you will have me to deal with and you don't want me to deal with. For disrespecting my wife and laughing in her face, you're going to need to _____ ("cut a lot of wood Saturday" or something like that) ," rather than, "You shouldn't treat to your mother like that." Dh has had smart-alecky 11-14 year olds do hard physical labor to earn money to take me out to dinner as a show of respect. That subtly moves ds out from the mother-son conflict and puts him into conflict with a protective husband.

 

Decide that you are going to survive this, and if you and ds are both surviving at any point, you're doing okay. :) Really, my experience has been that it passes almost as suddenly as it showed up. The aliens let go of your sweet son and he's back. So try to steer gently in the meantime. Don't overreact or overcorrect when ds "runs off the road" a bit. He's just learning to "drive" his own life. And get dh to tell him he'd better not hear any guy laughing in his wife's face again.

 

what an amazing post, well done!! :iagree::iagree:

[vlgimmelli]

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I will have him do more exercise. Also I am starting to read Shepherding a Child's Heart, which I am excited to read. I have also just purchased the If/Then chart and will be applying it as soon as I get it. I believe that will also help, since there is a consequence and I will keep it posted around the house there will be no surprises and he will know what will happen if he has an unpleasant behavior.

Thanks

Lillian