How do I handle this situation with my daughter???

[the4Rs]

My daughter is a very sweet, clever, smart, dramatic, and helpful little girl. She will do just about anything I ask her to the first time and generally wants to please people. She is devastated if you are disappointed in her. She is clingy and emotionally needy and tends to place her own selfworth on others opinions of her. No matter what we say she needs VALIDATED constantly...and I do mean constantly. She is a worrier and needs to know that everything is ok. For school she needs me to tell her all the time that she got something right and gets super down if I tell her she needs to correct something.

 

My dilemma... she says "I love you" to me nonstop all day long. Now before you think I am weird for even posting this...I do literally mean all day long. WHen we school it takes roughly and hour and a half and she'll tell me at least 10 times during school that she loves me. But when she says it she won't move on unless I respond by saying I love you too. If I take too long to reply she starts repeating over and over or say something like "why didn't you answer me".

 

I love her to pieces and tell her often and I do like hearing it but it is getting tiresome. I mean the value of that phrase has lost its true meaning to me because she says it ALL THE TIME. I hate to admit it but now when I hear her say it I just get a resigned feeling. How awful is that!?!?

 

I am such an independent person by nature and was never so clingy. She is a whole new animal to me. I don't want to be this way with her but how do I get her to see that she doesn't have to say it all the time for me to know she loves me. I have said as much to her before and she got all down because she thought I didn't love her anymore. Basically she says it because she wants to be validated...not because she is overcome with this love emotion for me. Does that make sense?

 

Please help me. I need to get a grip on my attitude about this....that or some ideas to help her see her own self worth doesn't need to be found in other's opinions of her.... PLEASE!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think what I would do is sit down with her and explain that you want to teach her to be confident in what she knows about herself and her relationship to you. You will still tell her that you love her in the morning when she gets up, and when you tuck her into bed (because we do need to hear it even when we know it), but when she asks at other times, that you are going to ask her to tell you what she knows about your love for her.

 

Same with when you sit down to do school. Go over for 2 min. at the start of school that she is a smart little girl but that everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean that they aren't smart or loved or anything else. If she does a good job, you want her to be able to tell you that she thinks she did a good job. Then ask her if she thinks that you think so too.

 

It's going to take a lot of patience and talking her through this. I say this, because while my children didn't ask for validation the same way, I had to go through a similar process with their perfectionism and tantrums every time they made the slightest mistake.

[the4Rs]

but when she asks at other times, that you are going to ask her to tell you what she knows about your love for her.

 

 

I like this! I have never thought to turn it around to make her think about it from this perspective. I'll have to try it.

[Joanne]

One of my children was/is like that. What that child needed was completely counter to how I thought "good parenting" went down.

 

What I discovered that while that child seemed to be looking for validation and love, they *needed* firm boundaries, even around affection, attention and interaction.

 

http://goybparenting.com/morejo/?p=5

[Aggie]

I think what I would do is sit down with her and explain that you want to teach her to be confident in what she knows about herself and her relationship to you. You will still tell her that you love her in the morning when she gets up, and when you tuck her into bed (because we do need to hear it even when we know it), but when she asks at other times, that you are going to ask her to tell you what she knows about your love for her.

 

Same with when you sit down to do school. Go over for 2 min. at the start of school that she is a smart little girl but that everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean that they aren't smart or loved or anything else. If she does a good job, you want her to be able to tell you that she thinks she did a good job. Then ask her if she thinks that you think so too.

 

It's going to take a lot of patience and talking her through this. I say this, because while my children didn't ask for validation the same way, I had to go through a similar process with their perfectionism and tantrums every time they made the slightest mistake.

 

This is good advice, imo.

 

I would reconsider, though, telling her she is smart. I would tell her that I know she works hard.:001_smile:

[the4Rs]

Joanne- that was an interesting link. I agree with much of what she wrote. My daughter thrives on routine. The problem is that she mentioned running your house like a daycare instead of a home.... I actually DO run a day care so in many respects she hasn't seen a traditional homelike environment. There is chaos on any given day but I do agree I need to have more routine planned out for her.

 

She doesn't have to be near me 24/7. She likes to play by herself or with her brother. But she'll call from wherever she is and say "I love you mommy!"

 

Hmmmm....

[Catwoman]

But she'll call from wherever she is and say "I love you mommy!"

 

 

 

 

It sounds like sometimes she's just checking to make sure she knows where you are, and instead of saying, "Mom, where are you?" she's saying, "Mom, I love you."

 

She may also want to be sure all of the other kids know that your her mommy, and not theirs. (Competition is fierce! :))

 

Cat

[Joanne]

Joanne- that was an interesting link. I agree with much of what she wrote. My daughter thrives on routine. The problem is that she mentioned running your house like a daycare instead of a home.... I actually DO run a day care so in many respects she hasn't seen a traditional homelike environment. There is chaos on any given day but I do agree I need to have more routine planned out for her.

 

She doesn't have to be near me 24/7. She likes to play by herself or with her brother. But she'll call from wherever she is and say "I love you mommy!"

 

Hmmmm....

 

The "she" is me. :001_smile:

 

It's possible the principles behind the firm boundaries are still needed for her to FEEL secure.

[ChristusG]

To come at it from a different angle, it sounds like tic/obsession that my daughter used to do. She is also 6 and she did this particular thing when she was 5. Any time she would brush by anything or hit it accidently, she would say "ouch."'she would continue to repeat it until I said "it's okay." I couldn't say anything besides that phrase or else she wouldn't accept it. She would get very frustrated if I didn't do it "right." she literally said ouch at least 75 times a day and I would have to say "its okay." it got old really quickly for me. One day she just stopped doing it.

[tex-mex]

To come at it from a different angle, it sounds like tic/obsession that my daughter used to do.

I was kinda wondering that too -- coming from a different POV, that is. I have OCD/Anxiety and my son does too (we're both Asperger's too). The "I love you" really sounds like a tic or Aspie mannerisms? My son dealt with severe anxiety at that age used to say (over and over -- all day long), "Correct?" ;) He grew out of it and Cognitive Behavior Techniques work with his quirks or anxious behavior.

[the4Rs]

See I used to wonder if she had OCD.....I really did. She liked order to everything. Would line toys up as opposed to playing with them. She had issues when people left our house where she would do odd things repeatedly. If you messed up her routine it put her out of sorts.

 

But everyone I mentioned this to didn't think she was OCD.... but in my heart I have always wondered if she has some OCD...apsie??? sorry what is that? Aspbergers? (SP)

 

It can be overwhelming dealing with her sometimes.

[bookfiend]

One of my children was/is like that. What that child needed was completely counter to how I thought "good parenting" went down.

 

What I discovered that while that child seemed to be looking for validation and love, they *needed* firm boundaries, even around affection, attention and interaction.

 

http://goybparenting.com/morejo/?p=5

 

Yep, this is what I thought. It is actually a very controlling behavior, but because it is couched in the emotioally laden "I love you," the parent feels awful telling a child to stop. Give her some parameters and boundries for what constitutes real conversation between people. For the short term, make some rules; like she is only able to tell you in the morning and at bedtime.

 

This is all assuming that there aren't other OCD/repeatitve behavoirs that signal something else is going on.