Do you or your dh maintain/develop friendship with

[Mejane]

 

I once heard that "a study" showed that all that was between a man and adultery was opportunity. I'd like to believethat is NOT true.

 

I think it depends on the man (or woman.) As I said before, my husband has plenty of opportunity - business travel, female colleagues, an expense account... He doesn't cheat. He's got integrity (and he knows I'll take him for everything he's got. ;))

Edited November 23, 2010 by Mejane

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I think it depends on the man (or woman.) As I said before, my husband has plenty of opportunity - business travel, female colleagues, an expense account... He doesn't cheat. He's got integrity (and he knows I'll take him for everything he's got. ;))

:lol: I probably shouldn't laugh but I'm trying to stay light hearted - it's a rough week at my house and it's only Tuesday lol

[Ginevra]

I'm not a believer in this. I think there is such a thing as emotional infidelity and once one is comfortable with that, it wouldn't take much to push it the rest of the way. I did have a good male friend before I was married and for a little while, I thought I would maintain it, but it caused my dh distress. I realized that if I was going to push to maintain a friendship with this man while it upset dh, then I wasn't really committing to my marriage. It was almost like I was still keeping my options open - I didn't think of it like that and I told myself this man was just a wonderful, platonic friend, but again, if I was going to pick staying friends with him over my dh's happiness, what does that say about my committment to my marriage? Also, around that time, I kept seeing marriages wrecked over exactly that situation - a "good friend" turned into more when the marriage went through a tough spot.

 

I would not accept my dh pursuing personal friendship(s) with women, however platonic he insisted it was. I agree with whoever said all adultery wants is opportunity. I've seen it happen with people I would never have imagined capable of it and it always started out with, "Oh, s/he's just a very close friend."

[ChiMomNP]

My husband travels frequently. I don't even know what city he's in most of the time as we reach him by his cell. My daughter often jokes that he could have another family somewhere. He laughs and says, "With what money?" :D I wouldn't dream of expending energy worrying or wondering what he's doing with whom. I may be naive, but I prefer to trust.

 

I cried when I read this a few days ago. The above was me 20 months ago. I would give anything to go back to being naive. To go back to the time I -never- even gave thought to such a thing, back to the time when I trusted him so much that it never crossed my mind. I wish I had never found out. I wish that split second decision he made had not led to me accidently stumbling on it. He had kept it completely hidden for over 6 years(perhaps longer). It was nothing but a fluke that I found out. If it hadn't happened, I could of posted and probably would of posted what you said above. You are so lucky. I'd give anything to feel that innocence and security again. :(

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I cried when I read this a few days ago. The above was me 20 months ago. I would give anything to go back to being naive. To go back to the time I -never- even gave thought to such a thing, back to the time when I trusted him so much that it never crossed my mind. I wish I had never found out. I wish that split second decision he made had not led to me accidently stumbling on it. He had kept it completely hidden for over 6 years(perhaps longer). It was nothing but a fluke that I found out. If it hadn't happened, I could of posted and probably would of posted what you said above. You are so lucky. I'd give anything to feel that innocence and security again. :(

:( :grouphug:

 

See, this is the problem I see. For every one that can say, "I trust my spouse and have no concern about them doing such and such.." there is another that can say they use to be able to say the same thing.

 

I'm not advocating mistrust either. Im just explaining that in my marriage the limits we put on our friendships are loud expressions to one another of our trustworthiness.

Edited November 23, 2010 by RecumbentHeart

[Mejane]

I cried when I read this a few days ago. The above was me 20 months ago. I would give anything to go back to being naive. To go back to the time I -never- even gave thought to such a thing, back to the time when I trusted him so much that it never crossed my mind. I wish I had never found out. I wish that split second decision he made had not led to me accidently stumbling on it. He had kept it completely hidden for over 6 years(perhaps longer). It was nothing but a fluke that I found out. If it hadn't happened, I could of posted and probably would of posted what you said above. You are so lucky. I'd give anything to feel that innocence and security again. :(

 

I'm sorry your trust was betrayed. :grouphug:

[kwickimom]

I cried when I read this a few days ago. The above was me 20 months ago. I would give anything to go back to being naive. To go back to the time I -never- even gave thought to such a thing, back to the time when I trusted him so much that it never crossed my mind. I wish I had never found out. I wish that split second decision he made had not led to me accidently stumbling on it. He had kept it completely hidden for over 6 years(perhaps longer). It was nothing but a fluke that I found out. If it hadn't happened, I could of posted and probably would of posted what you said above. You are so lucky. I'd give anything to feel that innocence and security again. :(

 

I have heard this so many times. Everyone who says "my husband would never cheat, or I cant ever see him cheating..." it can happen. never say never.

 

I trust my husband, but I know he is human. I can think I would never ever do that to him either, but never say never. Situations change. Emotions change. Hormones change. People can go into depression, get into drugs or drinking, have too much stress.....many innocent, sweet, wonderful men have cheated. Sometimes it may not have anything to do with character or integrity or problems at home.....

 

I just cannot see playing with fire by allowing my DH to go out alone with another woman. Obviously if he really wanted to cheat he would find a way, but I think keeping temptations away is a better way to go. I read that most cheaters didnt go out looking for sex, and the cheating had more to do with emotions than sex. They were looking to fill a void just as an alcoholic or overeater does.

 

My husband knows that me not wanting him to have girl friends is not a trust issue, he knows that a totally innocent thing can be harmful even without cheating. We decided that this way there is no way for hurt feelings or mistakes.

[Happy2BaMom]

No, neither my husband nor I have opposite-sex friends. In his first marriage, dh's wife regularly had platonic male friends and it was very painful for dh. Even though it doesn't appear that there was ever any physical affair that happened, there was still emotional intimacy outside the marriage. There's more than one way to cheat, and having opposite sex friends makes the temptation to emotionally cheat much stronger (IMHO).

 

We've always had a line in the sand about this issue, and we both feel very strongly about it. It is part of our mutual devotion to our marriage.

 

If having opposite-sex friends works well for other couples, wonderful (truly).

 

It's just not for us.

[UmMusa]

Woah, 17 pages, and I haven't read them all, but I wanted to chime in too. We do not keep friendships with the opposite sex. I don't sit alone with another man nor would I call one up to chat with him. Same with my husband. We are practicing Muslims and believe in this strongly.

[*Inna*]

I cried when I read this a few days ago. The above was me 20 months ago. I would give anything to go back to being naive. To go back to the time I -never- even gave thought to such a thing, back to the time when I trusted him so much that it never crossed my mind. I wish I had never found out. I wish that split second decision he made had not led to me accidently stumbling on it. He had kept it completely hidden for over 6 years(perhaps longer). It was nothing but a fluke that I found out. If it hadn't happened, I could of posted and probably would of posted what you said above. You are so lucky. I'd give anything to feel that innocence and security again. :(

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

I'm not advocating mistrust either. Im just explaining that in my marriage the limits we put on our friendships are loud expressions to one another of our trustworthiness.

That and for some protective measures are a sign of wisdom, not weakness. I know that it is possible for a couple that was monogomous for over 30 years to suddenly (and to the one that was betrayed) inexplicably experience adultery. It happens. I knew a woman that was very proud of her marraige, a Christian, that hit mid-life and ... She became a different person. Tatoos, drinking, and a host of other issues. It culminated in adultery. Her catch phrase during all of that was, "We have been married for over 20 years. When have I given you cause not to trust me?!?" Both of them, now, wish they would have kept to what they thought were rediculous mistrustful rules. Well, :p, now they do.

 

There are a million reasons why cheating happens. For us, it's better to set up safe guards BEFORE it might happen, rather than as a reaction to having it happen.

 

And no dating, no private hanging out sessions with those of the opposite sex is really the tip of the iceburg.

[Mom-ninja.]

I asked my dh about this thread. He said, "Why would I look for friendship/companionship with other women? That right there would indicate that my marriage is not what it should be."

 

I gave him the example of what someone posted about her dh's women friends. Dh shook his head and said, "Yeah, those are 'friends' with benefits. Any guy who has and seeks out women friends is self centered and only cares about his own gratification."