How to work on work ethic?

[Miss Peregrine]

This is just an example form today but is typical of the things my kids do.

 

We got home from church and I noticed the toy cars out in front of our house. They didn't get put away last night. As we pulled in the driveway I told my DS I wanted them put back where they belong.

 

I went inside and went back out the front door. The cars were lying right at the bottom of the stairs to our deck. They were obviously thrown there in the path to our house

 

That part is pretty typical, I think, but what's worse is I called in to my son. I said nothing about the cars. All I said was 'Kyle, I need you to come here." He runs down the stairs and before he makes it outside he said, "I'll put them away" :glare:

 

I asked how he knew what I was talking about.

 

"I just did"

 

Why do they bother doing half-a$$ed jobs in the first place? Why not just do it right the first time?

I find stuff on the stairs all. the. time. that was supposed to be put away. Meanwhile, they have run off to play. :willy_nilly:

I make them stop what they are doing and fix it, but is there something more to drive it home? I don't use unrelated punishments but am open to logical consequences.

[JFSinIL]

Undo the half-way done task, and may then do it all over again? While calmly stating that "Do it right the first time and you won't be re-doing it" or words to that effect. And nothing else is done until the task if completed to your liking.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, my guess for the reason it keeps happening is that you don't catch them often enough. If you called them back EVERY time they "forgot" or what-have-you, they'd do it completely the first time most of the time.

 

So the first idea I have is that you'll temporarily need to check EVERYTHING fairly quickly. In time, you can drop down to spot checking. But kids DO need spot checking, even pretty mature, easy kids.

 

Second? If it's an ongoing issue, possibly not doing one thing right can lead to them helping you by doing another thing since they made you waste your time to get them to do the first thing right. This way, you'll be catching them quickly and making them do twice as much to fix the issue so they'll be more likely to just do it right the first time so as not to have to do extra.

 

I'm not stating this quite right as it sounds a bit punitive, but I mean it not meanly or "paybacks" but simply that everyone has their own part to do and if you have to "babysit" a bit more, then they'll have to jump in a bit more in order to help you. Also, a lot of times we teach our kids that if you make a mistake, restitution often includes just a little extra for good measure.

 

So in your example, he puts up the stuff on the stairs and then unloads the dishwasher for you for good measure.

 

But mostly? kids are kids and this too shall pass.

Pamela

[Pamela H in Texas]

And nothing else is done until the task if completed to your liking.

 

ohhhhh....one thing we did for a short time was to have the kids ask us to check their work before they moved on. We'd sometimes check and sometimes would assume if they came to us, they had it (though make sure you do check sometimes).

 

I REALLY don't like the idea of undoing what they have done. That just seems off to me. But I do agree with making sure the job is done before anything else happens. But at some point, you want them to do it without you checking everything so spotcheck to make sure that happens...and maybe have them come to you rather than you hunt them down :)

[Barb_]

First anticipate, then check in.

 

"Boys, clean up the cars from the front yard and put them AWAY-away; don't just toss them somewhere." A little while later you ask, "Did you put the cars away?" They say yes. "Where did you put them?" If they say in the toy box (or where ever they go), you say, "Excellent job! Now let's get the family room picked up and then you can take a popsicle outside." But if they give you a sheepish look and you know they've not done what you asked them, you say, "go back and do it to Mom-specifications and then you can give me some more time in the family room. Be sure to look it over with Mom-eyes when you are done and then come get me to check it." Another phrase I've used when my younger girls come in to tell me they've cleaned a room..."Is it kid-clean, or model home clean? Go check the surfaces and the underneaths."

 

Seriously, they just sound like they need retraining. Bad habits are best replaced by good ones rather than by punishing. They sound like good kids that are perfectly happy to do as you ask, but need to be very closely watched to help them meet your expectations. The best way to do this is to re-train their eyes to *see* the mess. If they know for a fact you are going to recheck every single time, they will have more of an incentive to do it right to begin with. With consistency and training you will probably be surprised to realize they are completing the job correctly the first time and you'll wonder when that transition happened!

 

Barb

[xxxxxxxx]

toys that don't get put away the 1st time, get taken away, and you have to do extra chores to get them back

[Amy in Orlando]

I agree with Barb. It's time-consuming now, but it does pay off when they're older.

[Kim in Appalachia]

You really have to watch them and check over what they have done. It is not enough to say, "Go clean your room." You have to check it, tell them what they did right, and what else needs to be done to have it finished.

 

If the toys are left out they have to come back and finish the job. They may not go on to the next thing until it is done.

[Miss Peregrine]

Second? If it's an ongoing issue, possibly not doing one thing right can lead to them helping you by doing another thing since they made you waste your time to get them to do the first thing right. This way, you'll be catching them quickly and making them do twice as much to fix the issue so they'll be more likely to just do it right the first time so as not to have to do extra.

 

I'm not stating this quite right as it sounds a bit punitive, but I mean it not meanly or "paybacks" but simply that everyone has their own part to do and if you have to "babysit" a bit more, then they'll have to jump in a bit more in order to help you. Also, a lot of times we teach our kids that if you make a mistake, restitution often includes just a little extra for good measure.

 

 

I don't think that is punitive. I believe in making amends and if they wasted my time getting them to comply, sometimes they need to make that time up by doing "more" So ITA with that. :)

[Miss Peregrine]

First anticipate, then check in.

 

"Boys, clean up the cars from the front yard and put them AWAY-away; don't just toss them somewhere." A little while later you ask, "Did you put the cars away?" They say yes. "Where did you put them?" If they say in the toy box (or where ever they go), you say, "Excellent job! Now let's get the family room picked up and then you can take a popsicle outside." But if they give you a sheepish look and you know they've not done what you asked them, you say, "go back and do it to Mom-specifications and then you can give me some more time in the family room. Be sure to look it over with Mom-eyes when you are done and then come get me to check it." Another phrase I've used when my younger girls come in to tell me they've cleaned a room..."Is it kid-clean, or model home clean? Go check the surfaces and the underneaths."

 

Seriously, they just sound like they need retraining. Bad habits are best replaced by good ones rather than by punishing. They sound like good kids that are perfectly happy to do as you ask, but need to be very closely watched to help them meet your expectations. The best way to do this is to re-train their eyes to *see* the mess. If they know for a fact you are going to recheck every single time, they will have more of an incentive to do it right to begin with. With consistency and training you will probably be surprised to realize they are completing the job correctly the first time and you'll wonder when that transition happened!

 

Barb

 

I like this! Thank you. And yes, time consuming. But if I had done this in the first place, I wouldn't have an 8, 10, and 12 yo who won't finish jobs completely.

 

I have started calling them home from friends' houses even when I notice a poorly done job. At first I felt bad about doing that and would wait until it was time to come in. But I got attitude from them so I need to buckle down!

 

Thanks to all for the suggestions.

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I love Barb's answer. I guess I just assume that this is done and has been done. But if not, definitely hit that first. It makes a whole lot more sense to train correctly first. And sometimes we all need a refresher. But I still stand by my post assuming they truly do "know better" which seems reasonable also (at least for the older two).

[Miss Peregrine]

Oh--when I said, "ITA with that" I meant that I didn't think you sounded punitive.

 

But I actually agreed with ALL of your post. :) I don't think that came out clearly.

[Peela]

Dh and I had a Big Talk to our two a few days ago. They were getting really slack on their chores, and whiny- the younger mainly, but the older, although she is not vocal, would simply "forget" to feed the cat every. single. day. without being told.

So we sat them down and had a talk about responsibilities. About them getting older. About what we felt our jobs as parents were, and how we wanted them to grow up to be capable people with confidence in themselves, and a willingness to pitch in and work with a good attitude. We talked about how people who don't have a good attitude toward plain work, have a difficult life.

Anyway, they both responded quite well, and we shifted around their chores as well. Instead of alternate kitchen days, each now has a whole week on kitchen duty...that means ALL dishes, packing and unpacking dishwasher, cleaning up after meals. Its a lot, but they aint little kids anymore,and its probably only 30-45 minutes a day on a bad day. And it helps me immensely, and gives me time to do deeper cleaning.

Its working well, but I doubt its the last Big Talk we will have with them. They did both "get it" that we were not just their servants, that we wanted to train them, and it was time they got off their butts (or computers) and contributed to the family WITHOUT resentment.

But, they are of a certain age, and it was just time for the talk and for added responsibilities. Every family has its own timing.

[Miss Peregrine]

Thanks, Peela. We have had talks too. Maybe it is time for another one. :)