About being home at 23

[lllll]

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[harmonyartmom]

My daughter is 22 years old and is just now feeling like she is ready to think about heading out on her own. She watched her cousins go off to college and university and then see their decline in morals and floundering with adult decisions. She has year by year asked to be allowed to stay home and pursue her own self-education along with a very part time college schedule. She has worked at various jobs and tried different areas of interest out. ( She has started her own online business at heartsandtrees.blogspot.com) Like you, she is never idle. She is more busy now with her own pursuits than she was during high school because of the freedom she has.

 

Part of me wants her to fly from the nest but part of me feels like she will know when it is the right time.

 

I feel like it is homeschooling for college and it works for us.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and experiences. It has given me much food for thought. College is not always the ultimate goal right out of high school. My daughter is one of the smartest people I know and whatever she puts her mind to she will be successful at.

 

She joked with me the other day that she will not be living at home when she is 32 years old.....so I guess she has put a time limit of sorts on her stay with us. ( I seriously doubt she will put up with us that long.)

 

Barb-Harmony Art Mom

[Colleen in NS]

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You and your family are giving me a LOT of food for thought with all your posts. Esp. the part about having time to get to know your family as you enter young adulthood - that is so cool. I can identify with that, because I don't think I got to know my 4 younger siblings very well, as I left home just before I turned 20 - and now, they will tell me about things that happened when we were kids, and I don't remember and they will say, "Oh you probably had left home by then." This has been interesting reading!

[AustinTea]

Thanks for your insight. You would think that since I homeschool already, which isn't heard of much in my area, that I would have already thought about my dd not going to college right out of high school. But I have been thinking like society until now.

[Jan P.]

Thanks for sharing your story. I didn't leave home until I was 23. However I was in and out of home for several years due to my job and school situations. I enjoyed reading your post. My ds is also interested in the film industry. He has opted to go to college, but I know that college isn't the end-all of everything. For now he is living at home, so we are an influence on his life. I don't know what will happen next year. He is yearning to go to the big university which is an hour away. I'm waiting to see what will happen. I prefer he stay at home, but God may have other plans.

[saved1112]

I don't think many 18 (eighTEEN) yr olds are ready to be on their own. That is a very impressionable age... those college years.

 

I have been thinking about the upcoming 'college years' lately, even though they're 5 years ahead. I think keeping a child home until he is ready to leave (of course not allowing them to be lazy, nintendo playing freeloaders :)) and sort of 'homeschooling for college' is a great idea.. for us anyway.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[Melissa in Australia]

I was married at just 18, and had my first child just just before I turned 19

MelissaL

[Mommyfaithe]

What you describe sounds wonderful for you, and I am not trying to demean or sound snitty in any way...BUT...do you make any money??

 

Not once in your long post did you mention your Dad...Does he finance your quest to find yourself? or God?? My dh and I had no choice...we had to start life VERY early...both supporting ourselves as single young people and then as young married people and then as parents. I think we both could have used spiritual, financial and personal guidance, but that was not to be had from our parents. (very disfunctional situations that thankfully have not been repeated in our lives.) My dh and I both sought to better educate ourselves...learn to know God...take theology courses, education courses, homeschool our kids...ALL while supporting ourselves financially.

 

It seems like such a bugaboo to talk dollars and cents when we talk about our kids...but, it is a realistic part of life. You are very fortunate that you live on a beautiful 120 acre farm...BUT who pays the mortgage...the taxes...the food bill...the electric...the car insurance...house insurance...book bills??

 

If you are 23 years old, I would say you should have been contributing to those vested interests in your future (re: inheritance) for many years now.

 

Now, I have no great love of collegiate life...but I also have no love for teaching my kids that finances grow on trees and they can spend as long as they like finding out about themselves. I expect them to be self-educating their entire lives...I know my dh and I self educate all the time. I follow my loves and desires...but when the bills come, their is no rosy glass to hide behind.

So is your family independently wealthy?? Does your dad happily foot the bill?? Someone is paying so you can fulfill these dreams.

 

I love the idyllic sounding scene you portray to us, but I live in real life...real time....and while you sound productive and happy...which is great, but WHY would you have a desire to leave home when you have all your physical and financial needs met somewhere else, by someone else? Again, how does your Dad feel about that? Have you asked him??

In our neck of the wood, a guy living at home and not contributing financially, as well as putting in chore time is considered a free loader....and although your Mom might not feel that way, how does your Dad feel??

 

As a 23 year old Man, you are not a child anymore and where I would love to have my kids remain little and dependent on me, it is my responsibility to see they can get on with their God given purposes and fly the coop...not necessarily moving out....but moving on....And, to set them up with a false sense of security that their financial needs will be met by someone other than themselves, I think is an injustice to them....and an untruth, unless, they become independently wealthy, because we certainly are not and can not finance perfectly able bodied adults.

 

There is also a parable in nature in which a mother eagle lines her nest with all kinds of fluffy down to pad her sharp prickly nest before her eaglets hatch. As they grow older, she removes those feathers and cushions and prods her young to take care of themselves. The nest gets more and more uncomfortable and the eaglets become more and more self sufficient.

 

Now, we are happy to help, and get our kids on their feet. We pay their car insurance and help whenever there are bills that they can not pay. They are welcome to live at home as long as they are considerate of their parents and younger siblings, contribute to the household workload and financially support themselves to their ability and age. I do not expect my 13 year old to go out and get a job, but he can shovel snow for neighbors, work in our office (which he does,) babysit, do yard work etc. he also is a great pet sitter and he gets paid for that. My older kids have jobs outside the home which the use to help pay for college, clothes, save for cars, help pay for gas in the car etc. I do NOT pay for their education, cell phones, internet access (they pay for that). They have to take loans, work part time , apply for scholarships, financial aid...what ever is available to help in that way. We do help with emergencies, doctor bills, broken down vehicles, books, wedding dresses:D....BUT the bulk of the responsibilty is on them.

 

 

It is not my goal for my children to go to college. It is my goal that my children will become more and more self sufficient...happy and fulfilled ADULTS who can support themselves and eventually their families and even help support those in need. If college helps them fulfill that goal...great...there are many , many ways to get a college education without a campus or university. If the answer is not college bound, that is fine too. I hate to put money down as the bottom line, and if you knew me personally, you would know I am the most non-materialistic person I know. I do not have to have stuff, and I would give someone both my shirt and my tunic if they needed it...I would walk the extra mile and do the extra thing....and I want my kids to be that way too...but...they have to also support themselves.

 

I do have adult children (22 & 19...also a 17 yo boy who has been contributing financially to our household, his guitar lessons, swim team for him and his brother and tithes at the church. he LOVES the Lord, his family and people in general. I do not forsee him moving out young, but he will be supporting himself, saving for a house, a car and will probably be much better off financially than we are now.

 

I am not trying to be divisive or argumentative....I do understand that all families are unique and each person within that family is also unique and we should not be doing any comparisons. I am really just trying to understand where you are coming from and sort out the many questions I have as the mother of adult children.

 

Have a great day...and thank you for sharing. It is nice to hear from an articulate well educated young man.

 

Blessings,

Faithe

[Guest Lorna]

Thank you so much for posting this. It is my husband's opinion that the children should wait, if they choose, until they are at least twenty-one before they go to college.

My husband is the youngest of seven. All his brothers and sisters are very successful, but our nephews and nieces still have no idea what they want to do with their lives, many in their thirties. They simply had no time as young adults to discover where their interests lay.

You sound like you are having a wonderful education, above and beyond what I received at a good university. The best thing is, you can choose to attend a university at a later date if you wished, but then only on your terms as a mature and informed adult.

I know of three young adults about your age who are doing exactly as you are. They are English and live in France. They have a beautiful website. They even have a 'Home University' page.

Here is a link to their site The Jamboree

 

Best wishes, and many thanks again for sharing your invaluable experiences.