Grandparents & grandchildren

[gingersmom]

For my daughters 5th grade graduation my mother took my daughter to Europe (England and France). It was my daughters first trip to Europe and it was a very big deal. Months of talking about it and planning, etc.

 

My mother at the time told my son that when he graduated 5th grade she would do the same for him.

 

My dearest mother has a very selective memory (only selecting to remember what she wants to and deleting everything else).

 

I won't discuss it with her in person because it will turn ugly (when she conveniently forgets). So I sent her an email and am awaiting her reply.

 

But then I got to thinking............

 

Do you think because you do something for one child (like a trip to Europe) that to be fair you should provide the same for the other grandchild?

[Country Mouse]

I think if she told your son she would take him and she is still able (physically, financially, etc.) then she should take him. She created the expectation by telling him she would do it.

 

ETA: I think it has more to do with fairness in sticking with one's word than fairness between siblings.

[Dobela]

I think that yes, especially since she said she would, that she should.

 

That being said, my mother very seriously favors my ds10 over dd3 - and it isn't just an age thing. We have started cutting back on his time spent with her because we know it is going to cause problems in the future for all of us.

[Danestress]

I know my mother has aged very quickly in some ways, and it doesn't take that much for a trip to Europe to suddenly seem very difficult. Just a little incontinence or something like that can quickly change her attitude, and may not be detectable to you. And of course, many of us have had our economic situations change very dramatically in the last few years.

 

So I can understand how things could change, but I don't understand why she wouldn't talk to your son about it. If she doesn't feel physically up to taking him to abroad, it seems like she would try to find another solution - like offering to pay for you to take him. If it's the economic changes, she could at least tell him that and try to find a cheaper option.

 

Do you feel like she prefers your daughter to your son?

[abbeyej]

Do you think because you do something for one child (like a trip to Europe) that to be fair you should provide the same for the other grandchild?

 

I tell my children frequently that "fair" doesn't have to mean "getting exactly the same thing in exactly the same way". Just because I bought one child new clothes this week does *not* mean that the other child should get new clothes this week -- but I do make sure they are both well-clothed with the things they need, and at some other point, the other child will get something new when the first child doesn't need it.

 

*But* you're talking about One Big Thing. That was Promised. And yes, I think it's fair and reasonable for that promise to be honored. I don't necessarily think that because one child gets taken to Europe at the end of 5th grade that the other child would necessarily need precisely the same thing -- maybe the other child would rather have a different trip, or the same money would be spent on sports equipment that would be unaffordable otherwise or *something*. ...

 

But it would be grossly unfair to say, "When you finish 5th grade, I'll take you to Europe too" and then to "forget". I do think, even when our kids get different things at different times, it's important that they feel equally loved and honored. And I think it's important to keep our word -- to kids or anyone else.

 

I hope your mom will honor her promise with grace.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

If there are reasons she no longer feels capable of taking your son to Europe, she should explain it to your son. Then she should plan some other unique and special activity to do with him for his graduation. A 5th grader is capable of understanding that situations change, but not mature enough to handle a grandparent breaking their word.

[gingersmom]

Thanks for all your thoughts.

 

She is more than physically and financially able to take him on a trip to Europe (she travels all the time).

 

I'm figuring if we have to we will forgo summer camps and other summer activities and scrounge up the money and I will take him myself.

[Ester Maria]

Do you think because you do something for one child (like a trip to Europe) that to be fair you should provide the same for the other grandchild?

No, but this topic is not exactly about it - it's about a situation in which you show a cookie to a child, and then put the cookie away. If you don't want the child to have a cookie, don't show it in the first place. But if the situation were different, it would be completely normal and okay in my opinion that some special cookies are being given only to some children, as long as size-similar special cookies are being saved for other children. They don't have to be identical cookies, or a precisely same amount of them throughout the years, but no child should be neglected.

 

If there are certain reasons why your mother is unable to take him for a trip (age, security, finances, etc.), I think a 10 y.o. should be mature enough to understand it and to be okay with a substitute, something else that's special, but not as far/costy/etc. Financial situation has changed a lot for a lot of families in the recent years, and people age and are less comfortable travelling intercontinentally, and, after all, children differ, what you're comfortable doing with one child (safety-wise especially) you might not be comfortable with another child when he's of that age. I can think of many solid, okay reasons for not doing it - but in any case she should make sure to mark the event appropriately if it's a big thing in your family to finish fifth grade.

[JeneralMom]

This may not speak highly of me, but I was in a similar situation to your son. My g-ma took my eldest cousin on a tour of the "homeland" (Hungary) when she was 16 and I was 9. It was a month-long love fest and when they returned she told me she couldn't wait for me to turn 16 so we could go and do something similar - she wanted to show me the old family estates and where she had spent her girlhood. I was so excited and thought about it for years. I adored my g-ma and couldn't wait to have this experience with her. Well, 15 comes and I assume the planning will start as she has mentioned it a few times throughout the years. 16 comes, and nothing. She doesn't feel like traveling anymore and too bad. I was deeply hurt and it did damage our relationship - not because I wanted the trip, but because I felt unimportant and lied to. My mom is similar and makes promises and doesn't hold to them, so I have made it very clear that she will not do the same thing to my children.

[elegantlion]

She doesn't feel like traveling anymore and too bad. I was deeply hurt and it did damage our relationship - not because I wanted the trip, but because I felt unimportant and lied to. My mom is similar and makes promises and doesn't hold to them, so I have made it very clear that she will not do the same thing to my children.

 

This is the part that would anger me. To the OP the mama bear in me would be on the phone in a minute discussing the issue with her. Sometimes promises fall through, but to simply neglect the promise you made to a younger child without cause is deeply hurtful.

 

I am the baby in my family and there were many things (although not quite as extravagant to us as a trip to Europe) that my sister experienced that were never extended to me.