Depression and teenage daughters

[luv2read]

I think our dd (15 years old) is depressed and it has been going on for a few months. She is cranky and is real lack luster. She lashes out at us and her brother. She is burned out on everything. She does not go back and stay in her bedroom. She's very social at home and likes to play games etc. She sleeps at night fine. She could eat more. I'm just trying to figure out how depressed she is.

 

She is doing correspondence classes throught a couple universities and she is a real high achiever which can be good and bad. She has a 4.0 and is at the point she seems to hate school.

 

After the picnic today, I came home and was doing some chores. I thought she was doing school but found her playing video games. She did not do school this morning before leaving either. I mentioned that if her classes were not done by June 6 she would get a zero on her transcript. She said a zero was fine with her. I told her that if she didn't care then just go back and play her video game. She looked at me like I was an alien and went to do her schoolwork.

 

She complains that she has 1 friend. We had a homeschool picnic today and rather than playing volleyball with the kids she set by me on the blanket with the moms. It was hot though. She has been around the kids for years. Finally after awhile she went over to watch them play. One of the moms mentioned to her about the volleyball and she said she was not in to playing sports.

 

She was in counseling for 2-3 months because of this and we finally stopped going. She was pretty much the same only I was spending $100 a week. The therapist just worked with her on thinking positive etc. We have had no major life changes etc.

 

So I guess I'm asking if you have encountered this with your daughter and what did you do? I am thinking she needs exercise for sure. She is very petite and slender but I know it would help her. Also, I bought vitamins for her but she is not taking them. I need to remind her. Any other suggestions or ideas would be much appreciated.

 

I'm ready to stop the correspondence classes and let her take a couple classes at the community college next year which she thinks would be nice. She will be a junior. And, our hs group has a chemistry class so that would let her do something with other kids too. Maybe this is just too much studying alone. Her little brother is 7 so it's not like they do any type of school together.

 

Thanks for your help.

Jo

[ally]

It does sound as if she is depressed or lonely. I think it would be good if you could get her into some outside classes or extracurricular activities. One caution is while she is still a minor you can enforce treatment ie still have a say if she needs anti-depressants. After she turns 18, you'll no longer have any power. I wish I would have been more pro-active with my daughter's depression treatment while she was still a minor. She needs to be on medication and refuses it. She no longer lives at home and isn't a minor so I have no say so.

 

Ally

[Claire]

In my experience, teen girls are social animals. I think the cc idea is very good. In the meantime, are there some group activities in which she could become involved? Sports are really, really good because the exercise lifts spirits, plus the socialization lifts moods and stimulates interest.

 

To me, it sounds as if your dd is situationally depressed rather than chemically depressed. Changing her environment so that it offers her more social, physical and intellectual stimulation sounds like the ticket.

[Catherine]

He was much younger when it first manifested, and I think situational factors played a role, but were not the whole story. When his depression recurred as a teen, it was similar to some of what you describe with your daughter-he withdrew, ate less, was more irritable. I wasn't sure if he truly was depressed the second time, until he had been on the meds for a couple of months, when he seemed just utterly transformed into a different child.

[Lisawa]

:iagree:

 

The change of environment and doing something that she thinks is purposeful can be a wonderful change. My now 16 year old battles the blues herself now and again..... Teenagers need to feel like "they" are accomplishing something... and I am finding for us, it needs to be outside of school.

 

My Christian works 4 hours 2 days a week at a local teacher supply store and it has done wonders for her. She is earning money, gaining skills and loving every minute of it. It did wonders for her!

 

It doesn’t have to be a job... maybe volunteer... the thing is to offer opportunities.... She is growing and changing, and probably a little more mature than girls her age.... doing something grown up in a structured environment is a good change....

 

They are inbetween the Im still a kid, but Im ready to handle more stage, and sometimes... ok a lot of times, girls dont know how to hadle these emotions (or harmones) that come and go.

 

Hope she is able to move on soon... such a hard time for young girls... Hoping the best for you too...

[Michelle in MO]

agree with Claire that it could be a situational issue. It seems like the "middle school" years can be difficult---they're not really old enough to participate in community college classes, but they're too old for younger co-op. activities.

 

My oldest struggled with depression a couple of years ago when our co-op sort of "dissolved" and her best friend dropped her. That was very painful for her, and for me as well---watching her struggled.

 

We did take her to a counselor for a while, and I think that helped, to some degree. We dropped it last fall when my husband had some health issues going on that were creating additional turmoil for the family. We were just too busy to get to the counselor.

 

I'm terrible at remembering names (sorry!) but I'm agreeing with the gal who suggested being pro-active, if necessary. After all, she is still a minor. Get her involved in activities, sports---whatever works.

 

And---not trying to undermine your educational plans---but is high school not an option? Believe me, I'm all for homeschooling through high school, and I'm not suggesting you are forcing the issue, but if the h.s. is decent and being enrolled might truly help her get out of this funk, then maybe it's something to look into. Do you have a church or youth group of some type that she can be involved with?

 

I'm probably just reiterating what so many others have said, but I'm commisserating. It's difficult to watch your children struggle like this. (((Hugs)))

[Harriet Vane]

There are sometimes chemical reasons for depression--in my case, it was chronic anemia. Thyroid issues also spring to mind. Can you take her in for a physical? Mention your concern to the dr by phone ahead of time--that way he can include the bloodwork just as a matter of course. It's a good idea to at least rule out physical problems.

 

I would also urge both finding a way to get more exercise, even if just going for a walk once a day. Can you walk together? That leads to my other suggestion, which is to find an activity you can enjoy with her, one-on-one. A close bond with you (which you may well have--I have no idea how close you are, of course) can only help if she is struggling with depression.

[dalynnrmc]

I agree - think about the possible physical reasons. Chemical, diet related (is she allergic to tomatoes and you just don't know it?), and any other number of things could cause this sort of behavior.

 

I was *there* once. When I was a depressed teenager, there were stress-related reasons at home and I should have been in counselling. My parents offered, and I declined because of the 'stigma' but to this day wish I'd gone.

 

My other thought was about finding other kiddos her age who are "in to" the same things she is. So, she's not into sports. What *IS* she into? Find others who are as well, and get them together.

 

But, seriously, take her for a checkup. :)

***HUGS***

[Peela]

I was a depressed teenager. More social wouldn't have helped me, because I had feelings I needed to work through (parents divorced). A good therapist would have helped a lot. My life would have looked quite different if I had been made to see a therapist. I was asked if I wanted to, but I said no. I was depressed. I said no a lot.

 

My daughter is a bright live wire, but if she doesn't see her friends for just a few days, she wilts and I think if she didn't have the sort of social life she does, she could get depressed. I see it in her briefly sometimes.

She is very involved in Scouts, plus sees her homeschool best friend 3 times a week usually, plus other homeschool kids. Plus she goes to an art and a sewing class where she knows the girls well.Basically, she sees other kids every day, and that is important to her. And, she gets a lot of time away from us, her parents, with Scouts.

I think the other women have said good things, I just thought I would share how much my daughter socialises in order to be happy homeschooling.

[umarider]

Would she perhaps be interested in a dance class or some other physical activity that is not a "sport"? (Perhaps you could both take a class?) I kiddingly call my dd "Endorphin Queen" because if she goes more than a couple days w/out some sort of real physical activity she gets moody and sad. As soon as she goes to dance class or riding, she is right as rain! I've cautioned her to remember to exercise even when she is someday away from home because it seems to be essential for her emotional well-being.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

When each of my older children hit 14, they wanted to be doing something they could feel good about, outside of our home life, that was just for them.

 

My daughter was into music and art, my oldest son is in drama, and my 14yo is in Civil Air Patrol.

 

Also, it helps to examine goals for the future together and give a child something to work toward, other than the seemingly endless routine of sitting at home doing schoolwork.

 

One other thing, my teenage depression had a lot to do with not feeling connected with my family. When I got home from school nobody was home. Later it was dinner, homework or tv, then bed. I felt like I was basically living life alone. There wasn't much communication going on.

 

I think sometimes, as homeschooling parents, we can still have the "nobody's home" syndrome. Because we can get so tired by mid-afternoon, when school is over we may tune out our (older) children just to get a little peace or to get to some things that *we* want to do. Connecting with our kids outside of schoolwork then becomes something we must concientiously remind ourselves to do. (I'm talking about myself here, too.)

 

Having one special outside activity for each older child actually helped us bond better, because either my husband or I would have the opportunity to spend time in the car alone with that child, which opened up the possibility to have serious or lighthearted conversation.

 

What I'm trying to say is maybe your daughter feels like a "fifth wheel." Attached to the car, but with no purpose, no control, and no idea where she's going. Just a thought.