Extroverts, could you help the introverts here better understand you?

[rafiki]

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[bkpan]

Especially when it comes to family relationships (including your parents, sisters/brothers, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc.) and what you see as balance.

 

For me family is extremely important, not just my immediate, but also my extended. Family is family and although you didn't pick them to be your family and they may have assorted feathers, they will always be there. I lived near a military base, had way too many friends growing up, I'd open up to, become good friends with and they'd move in a year or two. Also being an introvert, I focus on friendships at a deeper level vs knowing a lot of people on a shallow level. Kind of like public schooling vs classical, eh? Do you want to know very little about a lot of topics or really dig deep into history?

 

I struggle with understanding those who choose to be involved in a lot of activities, socialize many times a week, have sitters regularly, yet they seem to be hamsters in a wheel passing in their immediate family in their own living quarters and content at seeing extended family once a year or sending a Christmas card/letter and calling it "family".

 

Could you shed some light?

 

Speaking as an introvert, I am not sure that I know any extroverts like you describe?:confused: The extroverts I know are just as deeply relational (maybe more so in some cases) with friends and family as anyone I know.

 

Not sure where you are coming from :confused:

[rafiki]

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[Jan in SC]

Well, I am very extroverted, and I see some of my extended family on daily basis. We see most of our large family every month or at least every other month, and this usually requires a 2-4 hour drive. My kids are involved in lots of activities. My dh and I are involved in a lot of activities, as well.

 

Perhaps I don't understand your question. We are very busy, very scheduled people. We love to do things and be active, especially with others. Some of our favorite others are family!

[Mary in VA]

Hi, Extrovert here :001_smile: I think you are making some assumptions here about extroverts that are incorrect; at least as it relates to me. Nobody who knows me would question that I am an extrovert (although incredibly shy through high school) I enjoy getting to know people and will visit with people anywhere and at any time, i.e., waiting rooms, lines at bank and grocery store, etc. I just generally like most people. BUT when it comes to those I would considered my good friends, that is a small circle and they are deep friendships that have lasted over many years. My family also comes ahead of all my friendships and I think my two dds and my dh would say we have a close family. We enjoy being together and doing things together. I can't really answer about extended family because I just wasn't blessed with one, small on my side and my dh's. We were also a military family and always half a world away (literally) or at least a whole country away.

 

All this to say that extroverts aren't all alike. Maybe extrovert/social butterlies would be a be a better description?

 

Mary

[Parrothead]

I think what you asked about is more of a familial dynamic thing than an introvert/extrovert thing.

 

I lean toward being introverted. I hate visiting family, and it takes a long time for me to get deep with new people.

 

Maybe you should start two different threads. One about people who like to visit family vs. those that don't and ask why. The other about how long it takes individuals to develop deep meaningful friendships.

[MamaT]

I think what you asked about is more of a familial dynamic thing than an introvert/extrovert thing.

 

I lean toward being introverted. I hate visiting family, and it takes a long time for me to get deep with new people.

 

Maybe you should start two different threads. One about people who like to visit family vs. those that don't and ask why. The other about how long it takes individuals to develop deep meaningful friendships.

 

:iagree: I am an introvert that avoids most (not all) of our extended family as much as possible. It has nothing to do with being an introvert and everything to do with boundaries and toxic people.

[rafiki]

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[rafiki]

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[rafiki]

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[Parrothead]

That may be. Perhaps the typical family dynamic has simply changed.

I wouldn't think so. I'm sure that there have been toxic and dysfunctional families since the beginning. Even within families there are those members that closer to some than others.

[joannqn]

I'm an extrovert, and like another poster said, I'll talk to anyone anywhere. I love spending time with people and hate being alone. I avoid being alone as much as possible; it drains my energy and depresses me. If I'm feeling particularly down, low on energy, or depressed the fastest and best way to fix that is to spend time with friends.

 

My immediate family is together nearly 24/7. We very rarely use babysitters (last time was probably 4 years ago); we just take the kids with us. If kids aren't welcome, we don't go. The only exceptions are when DH or I go somewhere alone. He obviously doesn't take them with him to work. I don't take kids over about 10 months of age to my support group because they are too much of a distraction, and they don't go to my retreats after the age of 2.

 

We pretty much never see our extended family with the exception of my dad, whom we see about 3 times a year. Even though he is sober now, my dad is still difficult to be around because he is negative and critical. We see my grandmother and aunt, whom my dad live with, once a year. I don't find them particularly enjoyable to be around, especially since it requires that I become ill (cigarette smoke) to do so. They won't come to me, nor do they leave the house much. The rest lost their chance to have relationships with us by their actions.

[Laurie4b]

I think it was because the "busy" excuse and extroverts being more actively involved outside that I linked the two. We all have the same hours in a day and decide how to spend them.

 

I'm just trying to sincerely understand how an extrovert based and introvert based family dynamic differ.

 

And I think what people are saying is that you are barking up the wrong tree. That's certainly my observation. Being extroverted does not at all imply less attachment to family. You may see people with less attachment to family who are also extroverts, but so far everyone here has said they don't think it's the dimension of being extroverted that accounts for the difference in family relations. There are introverts who do not spend time with their extended families and extroverts who do. (Most introverts will choose to spend time with their immediate family or alone.)

 

I see no correlation among the people I know and extroversion/introversion and time spent with families. Both spend time with immediate families. The extroverts just enjoy getting together with others in addition. Homeschoolers, as a group, tend to place high value on family, obviously, since we choose to spend our days with our kids instead of sending them off to school. The extroverted homeschoolers I know take their kids almost everywhere with them and are consequently both doing stuff with their families and with friends at the same time. Introverted homeschoolers tend to not spend as much time with those outside their families and sometimes that means neither do their kids--whether introverted or extroverted.

 

For introverts, family can be enough to satisfy their needs. For extroverts, people outside the family are needed in addition to family. I don't see families of extroverts getting shortchanged, though any introverts in their families may feel a desire for less contact with others and more personal space.The reverse is true for kids who are extroverted who have introverted parents--especially if those parents are homeschoolers: they may not get their own optimal needs for being with others met unless their parents make a concerted effort to take them to more social things than the parents themselves would prefer. By the time they are teens, you see this sort itself out. My oldest ds, for example, is deeply attached to us, but spends as much time as possible with his friends. My second oldest ds, who is more of an introvert, really enjoys his friends when he's with them, but doesn't make an effort to seek them out. He's content to be self-contained.

[Irene Lynn]

We are an introvert family with a possible extrovert as our youngest and are friends with an extrovert family. We have been friends for years and know each other pretty well. I think what you are observing may be the differences in the way different people hide from their problems. Our extrovert friends have both admitted that it is easier for them to stay busy and keep balls in the air, though they frequently drop those balls :), than it is for them to have alone time or too much quiet time. Then they have time to think and then they get distressed. Keeping busy is a way of keeping their problems at arms length. They don't have time for it right now. However, that doesn't always work, because then suddenly anxiety attacks or seriously disorganized thinking can arise at inconvenient times.

 

For us, avoiding people is the easier answer, when we are stressed. The added conflict (I am not talking about anything out of the ordinary here.) or activity, especially something that isn't very organized is more stressful. It is easier for us not to have our world rocked, if it is all peaceful and dependable. That helps us to keep our problems at arms length.

 

One is not better or worse than the other, but it manifests differently. We make good friends. They keep us laughing and amused with their antics, and shaking our heads from the confusion of their lives, and we keep them centered at times with deeper thoughts and organization. They are delightful people, who seem to know everyone and are well liked and appreciated. They do help out a lot of people! They probably think our lives are pretty boring! They shake their heads just as much at us. LOL

 

They don't seem to have as much family time, because they are always running and the kids are texting or discussing their schedule, though they do have plenty of contact with extended family. But they do stop every so often to spend an afternoon together or slow their pace to have together time. In our introverted family it is easy for us each to choose an individual activity, even though we are all together. We have computers for each of us. I do think we spend plenty of time together, but sometimes I wish our dd had a desire to do more in the way of meeting potential friends or doing some new activity. It would give us more to talk about. Well, she can talk all about the things she is learning, but sometimes I am not interested. :( I just want her to branch out more to dilute her current subjects. :D