Any of you ladies have husbands that live & work in another city?

[Guest KaciMI]

I've written about this before but haven't asked if any of you live appart from you husband.

 

Mine lives two hours away and comes home on Fridays, returning early Mondays. After five years, we planned on moving over but couldn't sell our Florida house. So, here we stay.

 

I've gotten use to our life, but feel sad about it sometimes, still.

[lauracolumbus]

I've spent most of my marriage living separately from dh. The first year he was in NYC and I was in DC. We managed to get pregnant. Second year the same. Third year we moved back to Ohio, he had a job in Cleveland with the intent to get a job in Columbus where we bought a home. That lasted 3 years. He got a job in Columbus and for 2 years we lived in the same house. Then he travelled to Atlanta every other week. For the last 4 years we've lived in the same home, but he's now been activated w/the US Army and will deploy next month (he's currently in NJ).

 

So, I've BTDT. It was especially hard when the kids were babies and I was in a new neighborhood w/o family around. I got over that. Now, it's much easier, but there are lots of times when it is difficult. The kids have adjusted remarkably well. It would be so much more doable if we had family nearby.

 

I must say we do appreciate each other more, rarely fight, and never get bored w/each other. I'm a fiercely independent person and that helps.

 

Laura

[1bassoon]

We did this for 18 mos - it was very, very hard. Same reasons - dh got a job 2.5 hours away, we couldn't sell our house.

 

Then he got laid off, and came back home. Aside from the whole, "no money" situation, we're SO glad to have him back!

[LibraryLover]

Mine does. But he always comes home at night. He has managed to work at home a few days a week now. Wasn't always so. His commute can vary from 55 minutes and 2 hours daily. But he no longer has to do it daily. He travels to the CA coast about 1x amonth.

Edited June 9, 2010 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

did not mean to post twice.

Edited June 9, 2010 by LibraryLover

[gaillardia]

BTDT. He lived halfway across the country while we stayed back trying to get the house ready, on the market, sold. We were apart in 4-5 week stretches, he flew home on weekends sometimes, when we could afford it. It was an expense we had to give in to. Our home finally sold and we moved. We were fortunate that he could take long weekends away from a new job. It was 10 months.

But to do what you're doing for 5 years is a bit of a stretch.

What is your status with your home? On the market or trying to sell it yourselves? We used a realtor and dropped our price $25000. We did sell our first home on our own to our neighbor.

Here were some of my favorite sayings back then: NO, I don't want to endure this. NO, things aren't going well.

(smile) yes, at least he has a job.

And to dh when I was extremely anxious and sad: I'm not going to do this anymore. I understand, Kaci. But I had older children to help out too.

[melopher]

We lived 500 miles apart for a couple of years--I'd see him Friday night to Sunday night.

 

At the time, we didn't feel like it was hard. He was in the city, which he liked. I was in the mountains, which I liked. Weekends were full of family activities, we had stuff to talk about, were excited to see each other, etc. Mid-week was routine. Nothing I couldn't handle.

 

In the long-term, however, it wasn't a healthy arrangement for us. I first noticed it when just he and I went on a vacation and we were at TOTALLY different places. It took us the whole vacation for us to actually connect--something I thought we'd been doing on each of those weekends, but never had enough time to really connect deeply I guess.

 

So, the kids and I ended up moving to the city. I sobbed. I was mad at God for almost a year. But it's been a great, healing, growing move for me.

 

If I was going to live like that again, I think that I'd try to prearrange a way that dh and I could have regular time just to ourselves.

[Guest KaciMI]

sorry, duplicate

[Lara in Colo]

We don't live apart , but he works ALL.THE.TIME. He's home from 3-4 am til 7am. (He usually sleeps in his chair at work, wakes up and comes home for a "nap" and a shower. He does this 6 days a week. I see him Sat night around 7 until Monday am when we do this all again. It was really hard when the children were little, but I'm used to it now (been going on 13 years (10 with children) and 3 when we worked together but still ran the same hours. I feel for you. Its hard, its frustrating, its lonely.

 

Lara

[jld]

Dh spent all of 2008 in India while I was in America with the kids. I was pregnant, and so busy running the 4 olders to classes that I didn't have time to miss him. I literally remember telling him when he would call that if he didn't have anything new to say, that I really needed to get to sleep or get to the next activity! He did come home one week a month, and that did help (what a commute!).

 

For the last year, since ds11 was diagnosed with cancer, dh has worked in the city we lived in before, which is 3 hours south of where we are now. We want to keep the situation this way, because where we live now offers more for the kids (a swimming pool right outside the appt., a ping pong room, billiards, tiny basketball court, etc.).

 

This is not without a price, however. We do not see dh much, usually Sundays and maybe one other day, every other week at best, when he has meetings scheduled in our city. He is not even spending as much time with the kids as when he was commuting to America. It's certainly not ideal.

[lailasmum]

My dh works 3 hrs away. He lives with family near where he works. About 3 months a year he comes home every weekend then he will have a month or so holiday and the rest of the year he can be away up to 6 weeks at a time. Its not that he gets no time off during that time but it may just be a day a week and its not worth the journey home.

 

It has always been like that since we had kids. He went away to work 2 days after our daughter was born for a few weeks. He was touring then which was a bit harder.

 

I would say its killed our relationship. Although we get on we have no connection as such. We live separate lives. He works and does his thing and I do all the kids stuff. When he is here for a month in the summer it takes about a 2 weeks for us to get used to being around each other again. I am a naturally solitary person so it suits me except that I carry all the stress of the decision making for the kids, he has kind of opted out of that. And I get very tired with no-one to share the load.

[Guest KaciMI]

[quote name=For the last year' date=' since ds11 was diagnosed with cancer, dh has worked in the city we lived in before, which is 3 hours south of where we are now. We want to keep the situation this way, because where we live now offers more for the kids (a swimming pool right outside the appt., a ping pong room, billiards, tiny basketball court, etc.).

 

This is not without a price, however. We do not see dh much, usually Sundays and maybe one other day, every other week at best, when he has meetings scheduled in our city. He is not even spending as much time with the kids as when he was commuting to America. It's certainly not ideal.

 

Does he come home every night or on weekends? Are the kids ok about all of this?

 

PS: I'm sorry about your child with cancer. Hope he is doing better. K

[Guest KaciMI]

[quote name=.

I would say its killed our relationship. Although we get on we have no connection as such. We live separate lives. He works and does his thing and I do all the kids stuff. When he is here for a month in the summer it takes about a 2 weeks for us to get used to being around each other again. I am a naturally solitary person so it suits me except that I carry all the stress of the decision making for the kids, he has kind of opted out of that. And I get very tired with no-one to share the load.[/quote]

 

 

I'm glad for all the replies. I, too, feel disconnected from husband and was feeling so guilty about it. Now, I won't mentally punish myself for my feelings. I secretly feel as if we are really 'separated'. He's been living away for 6 years and even his family doesn't understand why he won't look for a job here, or we move there, although we did try to sell our house recently.

 

My husband is almost 2 hours away, at least he comes home on weekends. But basically ignores us, constantly on his computer. When I ask him to do things with us, he is annoyed but complies and ends up enjoying himself. My son is somewhat oblivious to this, but my 16 year old dd has witnessed his behavior and gets hurt by it.

 

If any of you come across a support group for moms like us, can you send me an email, here? Thanks,

 

PS: my kids are good kids, so at least they are not acting out.

[jld]

He's with us after 9 p.m. on Saturdays through 5 a.m. Mondays. It's not much, but it's better than nothing, I guess. The kids and I would love to see him more, but that would mean moving to the smaller city where he lives and works, and there is just not much to do there. Or he could try to find a job in America, and then we would not save the way we do here. What to do? Once again, it is definitely not ideal.

[AHASRADA]

I am in somewhat the opposite situation. Dh had a typical 9-5 job for the first 3/4 of our marriage, which I loved. He was around just enough to stay connected, spend time with the kids, etc., but not so much that he was infringing on my "turf", if that makes sense. I was in charge of the home, kids, homeschooling, activities, finances, and I liked it that way.

 

Now, for the past 2 1/2 years, he has been home most of the time. There have been pros and cons to this. The kids get more time with him, he helps out with homeschooling, etc. He also has a lot of "suggestions" for how I could do things differently in the area of home maintenance, delegating, discipline...in a nutshell, he is now infringing on my turf! Too much together time, coupled with financial worries, has caused a lot of stress. At the same time, it has forced us to really "deal" with each other rather than each functioning in our own little realms, and we have gotten into deep issues, feelings, goals, etc. that we wouldn't have had the time to otherwise. We have become a truly homeschooling "family", with the 4 of us working and studying in the same room, collaborating on housework, etc., and I feel we have all gotten to know each other better in the process, although we do get on each other's nerves too.

 

So, now dh is thinking of working overseas. We would likely see each other once every 3 months for a week or two. I say no way. It would just be too drastic of a change. To go from only being apart for a few hours a week, to months at a time just doesn't sound healthy for any of our relationships. Also, ds is 13, and is benefitting greatly from the recreational time spent with his dad and his dad's adult male friends. He is being socialized to be a "man" (as in responsible, respectful), something he cannot learn from his peers. Dd is definitely a daddy's girl, and would be devastated to be separated from her dad for long periods (not to mention the benefit of his influence as she approaches her teen years).

 

So, is it better to have too much together time and financial problems but be "together", or have the money taken care of, but live separately? (This issue will be resolved if dh can find a 9-5 job again!)