Has anyone experienced the death of a loved one but NOT have any kind of service?

[kalanamak]

Wow. Sad story with a sweet ending.....

 

I have a Paranoid Schizophrenic brother who lives in a state facility and is a ward of the state....I wonder what they will do with his body? :( I mean when he dies...he isn't near death at all right now!

 

In our state, it is still released to next of kin, although there is sometimes an autopsy if foul play is suspected. Most of our patients get some funding at some point in their life, and will lose it if they don't "spend down". A wise social worker will encourage a person of few needs to pre-pay burial expenses.

 

I don't know your state but "ward of the state" AFAIR only applies to children in my state. People can be on medicaid, medicare, GAU, GAX, etc. etc. but "ward of the state" is a phrase I never hear. The social worker at his facility should be able to tell you his legal status.

[BeckyFL]

:grouphug: So sorry for you and your dh's loss.

 

Your dh and his siblings can go ahead and arrange some kind of a service or memorial. They do not need anyone's permission--they are also adults. If the two others don't like it, they can feel welcome to not attend.

 

I agree! The service is for those who are grieving to honor who their loved one was as a person and to them. If 2 don't want to do this, the others can and should.

[RanchGirl]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can understand why you as the DIL don't wish to say anything, but I see no reason why your husband, with or without the support of his 3 other siblings, can't stand up to the 2 and plan a funeral or memorial service. It doesn't even have to be a big argument unless the 2 controlling sisters want it to, and even then he doesn't have to play into any drama. He can just let them know he wants to have one and start planning it.

 

Has he at least let his 5 siblings know how he feels?

[Danestress]

All of us who were left behind were just shattered and had no outlet to hug each other's necks and talk about how we loved Joanne and appreciated her wonderful qualities and how much we were going to miss her.

 

but I still felt that we had plenty of that. The family still got together. People stopped in to see us and bring food. My sisters and their families stayed for several days, and they were busy busy days full of people. They were really sad, hard days, but they were not lacking in love.

 

I think for us, this felt more "organic." We got together for meals, and we did remember, talk, cry. We just didn't have that as part of a service.

[keptwoman]

but I still felt that we had plenty of that. The family still got together. People stopped in to see us and bring food. My sisters and their families stayed for several days, and they were busy busy days full of people. They were really sad, hard days, but they were not lacking in love.

 

I think for us, this felt more "organic." We got together for meals, and we did remember, talk, cry. We just didn't have that as part of a service.

That's how I would prefer it. I've buried my Mum and Dad and best friend and I've had enough of funerals to last me a lifetime. I hated my private grief being on display, I hated all the people and having to be nice to them. Most of all I hated the fact that for me it felt like a performance by me for the benefit of people who don't still cry for these people 20 years later like I do, they probably didn't even cry for them 6 months later. No more for me. But then I guess I also feel a bit more organically, having had both my parents at home after they died where we were able to say goodbye properly, with loved ones calling in and dropping off food, the funerals were worthless for me. If I have any say in the burial of anyone again, I will be pushing for a wake at home with the body and very basic graveside commital. No funeral, blech. I think it's important to say goodbye and have a chance to remember someone with love, I don't think it's important to have a funeral.

[unsinkable]

I am still reading these and do appreciate everyone's stories and perspectives.

[FaithManor]

When dh's dad died, it was after a long, drawn out battle with cancer. His mom had taken care of fil and was completely, physically, emotionally, wiped out. We lived 1400 miles away and dh had used all of his vacation to spell his mother twice during that year. He did have three days of funeral leave that his employer offered him which was very generous because he'd already used all of his vacation and probably a little more. But, even if he flew, three days was hardly long enough to help her with a traditional funeral.

 

Dh's brother lived about 12 hours away but he had used all of his vacation to visit his father before he died so he announced he would be unable to attend a funeral. It made a lot more sense to visit his dad than to hold the vacation for a funeral. Their sister was in the same boat although she did live closer. Same story of fil's only remaining brother who had flown twice from California while fil was still lucid. He simply couldn't fly again.

 

They all decided that the only thing their mother needed was a couple of weeks of sleep and she agreed. So, there was absolutely nothing done. DH made a memorial card which was sent out to all of the relatives. He made it before his dad died and addressed all the envelopes. All mil had to do was enter the date of his death into the computer and then hit "print", stuff the envelopes which were also stamped, and call the pastor of her church. He and his wife came, made her a meal, made sure she had plenty of food in the house,etc. and he dropped the cards in the mail for her.

 

It worked out for the best. But, this was a mutual agreement between the entire family so there were no hurt feelings.

 

For my grandfather, we just had a memorial service but did not pay for embalming and viewing. This saved grandma a lot of money. He was directly buried the morning after he died with a small contingency of family around. This worked out very well.

 

For dh's grandpa, it was again a situation in which most of the relatives lived out of state and used their vacation to see him while he was alive. So, we waited six months for Thanksgiving vacation when everyone could travel again, had a big Thanksgiving meal together, and then held a small, cozy memorial service. This was absolutely great!

 

Faith

[Scarlett]

In our state, it is still released to next of kin, although there is sometimes an autopsy if foul play is suspected. Most of our patients get some funding at some point in their life, and will lose it if they don't "spend down". A wise social worker will encourage a person of few needs to pre-pay burial expenses.

 

I don't know your state but "ward of the state" AFAIR only applies to children in my state. People can be on medicaid, medicare, GAU, GAX, etc. etc. but "ward of the state" is a phrase I never hear. The social worker at his facility should be able to tell you his legal status.

 

Hmmmm......I guess I should ask...well, I know he has a guardian who is a state social worker.