Are you friends with people who parent way different than you?

[Goodallmomma]

Oh dear. I'm going to don my flame-proof suit and say that I don't really think any of those things you just mentioned are unusual, inadvisable, or indications of PPD.

 

Granted, my youngest is now almost 12, so memory may be failing me, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a fed and diapered baby to be put down for four hours so the parents can get some sleep.

 

I don't see a problem with a fed and diapered baby being put snugly into the crib or strapped securely into the car carrier so mom can get a shower or take ten minutes to eat a sandwich in peace. (Now, phone and internet should be negotiable -- if babe is content to rest in the crib, more power to her, if he is wakeful and fussy I think a sling might be a nice thought.)

 

A doting grandma frequently spending time with a beloved grandchild, so mom can get out and have some fresh air and change of scenery just does not strike me as a problem.

 

Come to think of it, her parenting style sounds a lot like mine. I do understand that four hours of crying in a day sounds like a lot, but I don't know how accurate that number is (someone literally timing this kid?). Off the top of my head, my girls ate about every three to four hours, so let's say there were 6 to 8 feedings a day -- they probably cried/fussed for about ten to fifteen minutes before every feeding because they were getting hungry, waking up, etc, and quite possibly ten minutes after each feeding because they had a gas bubble or were unhappy with getting their diaper changed, etc. There's two hours of crying, right there. Throw in getting startled by a loud noise, or diaper rash, or colic . . .

 

And I have no problem with going on record and saying that I hated breastfeeding. Hated it with an intensity that I didn't know I possessed. So, formula was indeed an awesome and wonderful thing for my family (it also allowed me to leave my children with my mom *and* to sleep for four to six hours at a stretch, while my friends were literally attached to their babies for a minimum of four to six months -- I was perfectly content with my choice and hope that they were).

 

But to answer your original question: Yes, I am friends with people who parent WAY different than me. And no, it really has not been a problem. Live and let live. As long as their parenting styles don't create a situation that endangers my child, I don't see that it's an issue.

 

LOL you sound like my mom. ;)

[Joanne]

OK, I just read the entire thread.

 

Crying in and of itself for 4 hours, consecutively or not, I believe to be possible in normal range. I also make a distinction between crying and fussing.

 

Left to cry intentionally to teach a baby "something" is abuse.

[Joanne]

No it's not possible. The baby would pass out way before then.

 

Babies with food allergies, intolerances, sensory issues, environmental allergies......I've not had a child who did this but I know some who have.

[Colleen]

I'm flummoxed at the judgment you're passing a mere ONE WEEK after this woman delivered her baby. You seem overly concerned with how she's handling her own child and life and if that's how you're (over)reacting now, I honestly can't see the friendship lasting long.

The crying is tough. She puts the baby in another room from midnight to 4am so her and hubby can sleep with a fan on.

 

She lets him cry so she can use the phone, internet, shower, eat.. etc.

 

She throws him at her mom every chance possible.

 

So I am wondering maybe it is post partum depression?? She seems to lack in that "connecting" with him.

 

 

And yes we are young parents.. I am 32 with a 4yr old, almost 2 yr old and one on the way... she is 27 and he is her first baby. I do feel I am "set in my ways" for my parenting..

 

I am trying to preserve the friendship but just admitting I don't/didn't do things like that, so ask the pedi.. But now I wonder about PPD....

[Goodallmomma]

I'm flummoxed at the judgment you're passing a mere ONE WEEK after this woman delivered her baby. You seem overly concerned with how she's handling her own child and life and if that's how you're (over)reacting now, I honestly can't see the friendship lasting long.

:iagree:

[Impish]

To me, refusing to be available from midnight to 4 am is just wrong. Babies have needs that deserve to be met, regardless of the time of day or night.

 

I honestly can't wrap my head around simply deciding you're unavailable to a week old baby for a four hour stretch.

 

I don't know of a parent that hasn't raced through a shower only to have the baby wake up when you've got a head full of soap. That's one thing. But to decide that you're simply not going to answer baby from midnight to 4?

 

Sorry, but that's wrong to me. Completely.

[Joanne]

To me, refusing to be available from midnight to 4 am is just wrong. Babies have needs that deserve to be met, regardless of the time of day or night.

 

I honestly can't wrap my head around simply deciding you're unavailable to a week old baby for a four hour stretch.

 

I don't know of a parent that hasn't raced through a shower only to have the baby wake up when you've got a head full of soap. That's one thing. But to decide that you're simply not going to answer baby from midnight to 4?

 

Sorry, but that's wrong to me. Completely.

 

:iagree:

[Colleen]

To me, refusing to be available from midnight to 4 am is just wrong. Babies have needs that deserve to be met, regardless of the time of day or night.

 

I honestly can't wrap my head around simply deciding you're unavailable to a week old baby for a four hour stretch.

 

I don't know of a parent that hasn't raced through a shower only to have the baby wake up when you've got a head full of soap. That's one thing. But to decide that you're simply not going to answer baby from midnight to 4?

 

Sorry, but that's wrong to me. Completely.

I'm not addressing here what I consider right or wrong. I'm addressing the original poster's question. She wants to know if we're friends with people who parent very differently than we parent and says she wants to preserve this friendship. Unless she's literally living with this woman, I can't fathom how she's privy to such detail about her friend's parenting habits ~ "habits" that are, after all, a mere one week old. I am saying that if you're put out by what a friend is doing (or what she says she's doing, or what you think she's doing) after just one week at this gig, well...no, that doesn't bode well for the future of the friendship.

[Allearia]

I can definitely deal with some differences. But I don't think I could be friends with someone who let their newborn cry for four hours.

 

ETA: I know that some babies might cry for four hours, I mean without holding/trying to comfort/feeding!

Edited January 27, 2010 by allearia

[lincap]

I'm flummoxed at the judgment you're passing a mere ONE WEEK after this woman delivered her baby. You seem overly concerned with how she's handling her own child and life and if that's how you're (over)reacting now, I honestly can't see the friendship lasting long.

 

Yikes. Like I said in other posts, I worry about PPD. I worry about this baby. I am not getting a good feeling about it. I tried to look past the breastfeeding comments but that is a direct dig at my parenting choices.

 

 

I spoke with her husband and he seems to agree that PPD is in the picture. She has no interest in the baby at all and he thinks she is "putting on a show" and acting like she is all happy, but he thinks she is really depressed. He said when there are no visitors, she could care less about the baby, she begs him to feed the baby, change the baby so she can go on facebook, breaks down and cries a lot, doesn't eat, says she is the worst mother ever... I told him to talk to her OB or pedi and please not to let the baby cry 4 hrs at night.

 

I am going to try to continue with the friendship. Just going to try to look past our differences. At first I thought it was all about parenting choices, but now I think she is just having a hard time.

 

Sorry if I came off as judgemental.

[smrtmama]

I flat out will NOT be friends with someone who leaves their infant to scream without comfort for hours. I think you should judge an adult who does that to an infant.

[Joanne]

I am going to try to continue with the friendship. Just going to try to look past our differences. At first I thought it was all about parenting choices, but now I think she is just having a hard time.

 

Sorry if I came off as judgemental.

 

:grouphug: I think you were just surprised and worried. I would be, also.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If someone is exhibiting hurtful behavior as a result of a medical problem like PPD, then they need compassion, not judgment. I think that was great that you went to her husband. He is the one who can insist that she go to a Dr. for the help that both she and the baby need.

[Sputterduck]

Okay, seriously? A week old baby can not possible cry non stop for 4 hours. It just doesn't happen. The baby would fall asleep way before then. I believe the OP meant 4 hours through out the day. Not at one time.

 

lol Just because yours didn't that doesn't mean that none do. Mine did. Mine cried all day long while still in the hospital! The nurses said that some babies are just like that, but in the end it was due to problems. Some babies are certainly capable of crying for 4 hours.