church hunting woes

[crl]

Our family has been looking for a good church to attend for awhile now. We thought we had found one, but then the pastor came to dinner at our home and started judging us for our opinions. We have been attending another church that my DH likes and the kids don't seem to mind it. Though I'm concerned that it's been 6 weeks or so and my normally social DD (age 6) doesn't have any friends yet. This is the girl who goes to the park for an hour and comes home with a new friend. She says the kids are kind to her by saying hi, they just don't include her in any of their conversations. Every time I've peeked in from the back before and after class she is sitting alone. It seems that there is only one other girl in her same grade and the rest are a grade or more above her. DD says that the girl who is her age seems to cause trouble and talks a lot during class time, so we advised DD not sit next to her so that DD won't be tempted to talk during class time too.

 

There is another church that is further away which is made up of many homeschoolers. They are a little more conservative than my DH is, but he is willing to do what is best for the whole family. I hate the thought that he might not be enjoying church since that will lead to his not wanting to attend. But then again, I love the idea that my kids get to be with other kids who understand our schooling choice so she doesn't seem like such an outsider. How important is it that your children have friends at the church you attend?

[Strawberry Queen]

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking but I'll take a stab at answering one of your questions.

 

I think it's vitally important that your dh is satisfied with your choice of church. It would be destructive to your family, imho, to have dh not go. You need to be united as a family. I think I would choose to make dh happy and help the kids adjust. You never know when new family may attend and have kids that match well with yours. It may also be a time of growth for your child on what to do when you don't have friends at church.

 

Maybe they can explore other relationships and become friends with people who are not their peers?

 

HTH

[Laurie4b]

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking but I'll take a stab at answering one of your questions.

 

I think it's vitally important that your dh is satisfied with your choice of church. It would be destructive to your family, imho, to have dh not go. You need to be united as a family. I think I would choose to make dh happy and help the kids adjust. You never know when new family may attend and have kids that match well with yours. It may also be a time of growth for your child on what to do when you don't have friends at church.

 

Maybe they can explore other relationships and become friends with people who are not their peers?

 

HTH

 

:iagree: Go to the church that satisfies dh. Not having him attending church,etc. will have a much greater longterm spiritual impact than whether she made friends right away.

 

It's hard to make friends at a church sometimes if a child only attends in a class setting. As you get involved, you'll get to meet more families and be able to be more active about inviting kids over, etc.

[JoyfulMama]

My DH and I don't look for the same things in a church. I joined a small church to be more fitting to him, and I was miserable. He loved the service. I look for more than a service - I look for a community. Since we've moved, he's encouraged me to find somewhere that is comfortable for me, as he isn't available to go anyway. And I'm not looking at making a committment of membership at this point, so it takes the pressure off of us both agreeing to one place.

Because we homeschool, I like to be able to have a sense of community with our church. I want my children to have opportunities to make friends and grow in their faith, and I want the same for me. (And my DH has even agreed to volunteer as a parking attendent on Christmas Eve.)

Would I drive farther to obtain that community? I've tried hard here to find something not too far. I don't want to not want to drive during the week for an activity, or back on a Sunday afternoon or evening. I've heard about churches 30 mins away that might be really great for us, but I'd rather the 15 minute drive for something that works well for us, even if it's not perfect. I also know some people who have found a church they like, and then moved closer to it.

[milovany]

How important is it that your children have friends at the church you attend?

 

Honestly, not very. Yet, they still seem to develop meaningful relationships with dear people at every church we attend (not limited by age). Something that's vitally important to us in a church is that families worship together -- or at least support those that do worship this way (i.e., we don't utilize children's church during the regular worship service). Having dh content with where we are is very important too.

 

I know looking for a church can be hard! I'm sorry you're in a frustrating time with that.

[lionfamily1999]

I wanted to agree with pp that said having dh happy is very important.

 

Curious, though, was the pastor being rude because he was less conservative than you? I ask, because if it was because you were not conservative enough for his tastes, then I don't think a more conservative church would help much.

[Heather in WI]

How important is it that your children have friends at the church you attend?

 

Not at all.

 

We attend a very small church. (60 members, maybe, with an additional 50 regular attenders.) There are no other children exactly the same age as my older two kids. There are a lot of littles and the closest to my oldest are two years older. That said, most of the children, with maybe two exceptions, get along fine.

 

Our highest priority on doctrinal agreement. We're there to worship God and learn. I look at everything else as secondary and optional.

 

I'm sorry you're having trouble finding a church fit though. I was so relieved after finding our church home after years of wandering around.

[Once]

Our highest priority on doctrinal agreement. We're there to worship God and learn. I look at everything else as secondary and optional.

 

I'm sorry you're having trouble finding a church fit though. I was so relieved after finding our church home after years of wandering around.

 

:iagree:

 

I also agree with the other posters that said it was very important to have a place where dh is comfortable doctrinally.....even if he is gentlemanly by overlooking a few things here or there it still has the potential to turn out badly.

 

My advice, if you want to consider it, is to pray to be lead by God and stay in ministry and fellowship to all God's people by His leading. If you continue to seek God's voice you will hear it when you arrive in the "right spot". Finding the right church is a long term search and should be based on factors other than a child's ability to make friends with the other kids. I understand with homeschooling you may be more vulnerable to those feelings but giving it a greter importance than it deserves can lead to other issues.

 

I pray that you will find what fits your unique family best and in God's unique timing.

[crl]

I wanted to agree with pp that said having dh happy is very important.

 

Curious, though, was the pastor being rude because he was less conservative than you? I ask, because if it was because you were not conservative enough for his tastes, then I don't think a more conservative church would help much.

 

 

I believe we were more conservative than the pastor of the church. We had offered to babysit his 2 kids for 5 hours (for free) then have them stay for diner as a family so we could get to know him and the family. He started the evening (our first real conversation outside of the normal hellos at church) by talking about how he believes that we as a nation should not be fighting in Iraq, but that Afghanistan was the place we were to be now. He continued down this road of thought even after I mentioned that I support my brother who is stationed in Iraq. He then asked us how we could be pro-life and support the war in Iraq since being pro-life and pro-war in Iraq are opposite beliefs. As if that wasn't enough, what pushed me over the edge was that he openly stated that he did not believe homeschooling was a good educational choice as he stood in my schooling area with my children present. So we have not been back to that church since.

[crl]

 

Our highest priority on doctrinal agreement. We're there to worship God and learn. I look at everything else as secondary and optional.

 

 

I agree with this statement. Both churches are doctrinally sound in their statements of faith and doctrinal statement. I was a little concerned that this church (with no friends yet) has not given my DD a Bible lesson during the children's worship time. Instead, they spent 10 weeks practicing for a children's Christmas play. I understand that they probably had a lesson in Sunday School, but it's like pulling teeth to get my DH into a Sunday School class.

[lionfamily1999]

I believe we were more conservative than the pastor of the church. We had offered to babysit his 2 kids for 5 hours (for free) then have them stay for diner as a family so we could get to know him and the family. He started the evening (our first real conversation outside of the normal hellos at church) by talking about how he believes that we as a nation should not be fighting in Iraq, but that Afghanistan was the place we were to be now. He continued down this road of thought even after I mentioned that I support my brother who is stationed in Iraq. He then asked us how we could be pro-life and support the war in Iraq since being pro-life and pro-war in Iraq are opposite beliefs. As if that wasn't enough, what pushed me over the edge was that he openly stated that he did not believe homeschooling was a good educational choice as he stood in my schooling area with my children present. So we have not been back to that church since.

Ah, so you don't see eye to eye on those issues. I can understand not wanting to go back to that church. Would you be willing, however, to ask why he feels that way and whether or not he has a scriptural basis for his opinions? I'm learning that a pastor as a teacher, versus a pastor as an individual are two different things. I adore our inter. pastor. There are some individual beliefs he has that are the opposite of my beliefs. For many that were scripturally based, I can now see his point of view and for a few things, my own has changed. For others, we agree to disagree :p

 

I know it would take a lot to even give him the time to defend himself (and possibly further attack you). Whether or not it's worth it would depend, imo, on the setup of the church. If it's congregation led then I'd be tempted to stay, pastors come and go, but only if I felt 'at home' among the body. If it was pastor led, and he's unwilling to entertain other views (especially over hsing) then I'd run.

[Heather in WI]

He started the evening (our first real conversation outside of the normal hellos at church) by talking about how he believes that we as a nation should not be fighting in Iraq, but that Afghanistan was the place we were to be now. {snip} As if that wasn't enough, what pushed me over the edge was that he openly stated that he did not believe homeschooling was a good educational choice as he stood in my schooling area with my children present. So we have not been back to that church since.

 

Eek! Is he young with no people skills? The last thing I would do when meeting anyone new is bring up such a contentious issue and then insult someone's lifestyle choice! As lionfamily just posted, there is a difference between getting to know the pastor as a pastor and then pastor the person, but I can't imagine him being so ... tactless. I'm sorry.

 

Both churches are doctrinally sound in their statements of faith and doctrinal statement. I was a little concerned that this church (with no friends yet) has not given my DD a Bible lesson during the children's worship time. Instead, they spent 10 weeks practicing for a children's Christmas play. I understand that they probably had a lesson in Sunday School, but it's like pulling teeth to get my DH into a Sunday School class.

 

Eek! That would bug me. Shouldn't that be done during a separate choir/play practice time? I wouldn't want the boys to go ten weeks without worshiping God.

[crl]

The pastor's wife was actually willing to learn more about all schooling options for her kids, but he was not willing to do anything but public school. I understand each person must make the choice that is right for their family, but to put me down in my own home at our first meeting in front of my children was inappropriate.

I also don't feel that political conversation is the best way to start a relationship. I respect that he has different views, but to say that I am pro-war because I support my brother who is serving in Iraq, yet stating he is against war but supports our troops in Afghanistan is an double standard.

I felt a personal attack in my home was uncalled for after I graciously spent my afternoon with his kids free of charge and then offered to share our family meal with them. It was more than just what he said (which we felt was wrong), but it was the tone he used which made it far worse. Even my 6 year old realized the man was attacking our family. If he was willing to be this rude to someone he has just met, how will he act once we do get to know him?

[crl]

Heather,

I'm glad I wasn't the only person who felt that way on both issues. And yes, he was a young pastor.

[lionfamily1999]

The pastor's wife was actually willing to learn more about all schooling options for her kids, but he was not willing to do anything but public school. I understand each person must make the choice that is right for their family, but to put me down in my own home at our first meeting in front of my children was inappropriate.

I also don't feel that political conversation is the best way to start a relationship. I respect that he has different views, but to say that I am pro-war because I support my brother who is serving in Iraq, yet stating he is against war but supports our troops in Afghanistan is an double standard.

I felt a personal attack in my home was uncalled for after I graciously spent my afternoon with his kids free of charge and then offered to share our family meal with them. It was more than just what he said (which we felt was wrong), but it was the tone he used which made it far worse. Even my 6 year old realized the man was attacking our family. If he was willing to be this rude to someone he has just met, how will he act once we do get to know him?

Maybe you could give him Miss Manners' Basic Training, Talking as a going away gift.

 

;)

[PineFarmMom]

How important is it that your children have friends at the church you attend?

 

:grouphug:

 

While I don't think it would be THE deciding factor, it is and has been a factor for us. Our older two particularly were needing more relationally with church than they had before. There were NO kids their ages (14 & 11). But neither dh nor I were happy there either, so that was an issue as well.

 

My dh's happiness with the pastor and the church are very, very important to me. He is the spiritual head of our home, and having a good pastor that dh trusts is key. He's had several church situations with pastors that were untrustworthy, worldly men.

 

I know your pain as we have had the same struggle. I am happy to say, though, that God has led us to a church that just fits us all very well. The preaching is sound and true, and the pastor is not an ear tickler or one who is preaching to please the people. Our kids are thriving. This has been a long journey for us. I pray you and your family find the right place for you as well!!