Trying not to be bitter, but...

[dsmith]

I feel like my mil is more interested in her other grandchildren than my son. A few years ago, she would constantly cancel trips to see him, an hour before she was to arrive. (She was 45 min away at the time) She would make plans with us, or promise babysitting, but would often not follow through or leave us in a tough spot. We tried to visit as often as possible. I alway put it down to having to take care of her mother, who had Parkinson's, and I know it was very difficult. At the same time, my sil was always dropping her kids off to be babysat, and I know a few of the cancellations we got were due to her needing a babysitter. Fast forward to the present - we are now sharing a house with my in-laws, and Nana has sadly passed away. In the 1 1/2 years we have been here, she has taken him out for a special shopping trip once. We have all gone out to dinner together on occasion, and she has hung out with him a few times when we need to do Xmas shopping or bday shopping for him, but that is the extent of it. She of course talks to him when he walks by - good morning, how are you kind of thing... Occasionally she will hang out with him and talk for 30 minutes or so... Almost every weekday though, his cousins are here, or she is at their house. They are going to the mall, going out for lunch, etc. She proudly displays their school work on the fridge, talks about what they are doing in school, etc. She NEVER asks about ds's school work. We show her things, but she doesn't seem to take much interest. My son has aspergers, and it seems that when we received the diagnosis, she almost didn't know what to do with him anymore. He's still the same kid he was before his diagnosis. Yes, he has his moments with meltdowns, etc. When he was younger they were very close, had sleepovers every other week, etc... My sil has 3 kids, while I have one special needs, and have not been blessed with more as of yet, but it seems like she makes so much of having 3 kids, and how lucky I am to only have one, and is always making her life seem so difficult and stressful. Her mother of course has to run right over there - it almost seems like emotional blackmail on the daughters part. If my mil realized what's been happening, she would most likely be horrified. She knows to some extent how we feel about her daughter, and most of the rest of the family feels the same way. I can't say this is the complete reason why she is not spending time with my son - I think the aspergers diagnosis is part of it too. I just don't know how to handle the situation gracefully, when I often feel like shouting and saying all sorts of nasty things! I guess I've let the feelings build up for too long. Dh won't get involved or say anything to his mother, but will make comments about his sister. Any advice from the hive?

[rafiki]

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[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I can't really help, but my mom once told me how closer she feels to her own daughters' children (my sister's and mine) than to her son's children. She said she feels closer to the mom (yeah, her own kids, go figure!) than to her daughter-in-law, and sadly it got reflected on the children. My aunts said the same thing too. It's just not the same relationship.

 

Now I wouldnt know myself. I've got a few years to go before I become a grandma, but it makes sense to me.

[abbeyej]

Sounds like there are two things going on, and from the little I can glean from a single post, like maybe your MIL doesn't *mean* to be hurtful towards you or your son...

 

First, maybe she is genuinely unsure as to how to approach or interact with your son. I don't know him personally, and Aspies have a huge range of personalities and ways of interacting, but it's true that sometimes it can be difficult to figure out how to connect. And perhaps the diagnosis itself frightened her a little, made her even more unsure of how to proceed. Perhaps you can think of ways to give her, very gently, more tools to connect with him? Can you come up with an activity that both of them would enjoy? Perhaps baking would have the rules and structure that would be comfortable for him, but also be something she would enjoy? Say, "Hey, Mom, DS and I were hoping to bake a batch of cookies this afternoon. We'd love for you to join us..." Or any other low-key project. Not something that takes a lot of pre-planning, not something that will hurt you if she says, "I can't right now"... But something that will just get them working side-by-side, perhaps sharing something.

 

If you live in the same house, can you offer to make lunch to share with her? "Mom, I've made a pot of soup and some homemade bread for lunch today. We'd love for you to join us..."

 

Don't wait for her to come up with ideas. Don't depend on plans out in the future. Suggest small things, right now that don't require much from her. Let her start connecting again in low-key ways...

 

The other issue is your SIL. Sigh. And I fear there's not a lot you can do there. Perhaps your MIL does see you as competent and in control and her own daughter as a basket case. Perhaps she thinks, "Well, Dana can manage..." In a way, lol, it's an unpleasant sort of compliment. ;)

 

But I would try to just focus on the relationship with your MIL and ignore the drain that is SIL. Frustrating as that is. There's not a lot you can do about her, and it doesn't really make me think worse of your MIL that she wants to help her annoying, demanding daughter who doesn't seem capable of keeping her daily life running smoothly...

 

But try to find simple ways to give your MIL the tools she needs to have a better relationship with your son. Could you invite her on a walk around the neighborhood? Ask her to play a round of Set or another simple game with you and your son? Invite her on a spontaneous run to Target or the grocery store. Drop hints about things that your son is interested in talking about, *especially* if you can find any overlap between interests in her life and in his. Just don't wait for her to figure things out on her own...

[Retired]

I can't really help, but my mom once told me how closer she feels to her own daughters' children (my sister's and mine) than to her son's children. She said she feels closer to the mom (yeah, her own kids, go figure!) than to her daughter-in-law, and sadly it got reflected on the children. My aunts said the same thing too. It's just not the same relationship.

 

Now I wouldnt know myself. I've got a few years to go before I become a grandma, but it makes sense to me.

 

 

This is my MIL. She does nothing with my kids or my bil kids. She does everything with SIL kids.

 

 

To MIL that feel closer to their daughters kids what is amounts to is your daughter will parent and do stuff similar to you which validates you as a mother and grandmother.

 

Your daughter in law will not be such a stroke to your ego. She want call you and seek your help like your own daughter.

 

I don't have daughters so their will be know competition both my boys kids will be my love and joy.

 

I just hope they marry women that are grown and don't expect to be at mommas house every holiday.

 

Maybe they will marry orphans and I want' have to fight for time with my sons:D

[kpupg]

:grouphug:

 

Know where you're at, my friend. My mil is very like what you describe. Now in her late 70's, I guess she'll never change :(

 

Cleo said

I can't really help, but my mom once told me how closer she feels to her own daughters' children (my sister's and mine) than to her son's children. She said she feels closer to the mom (yeah, her own kids, go figure!) than to her daughter-in-law, and sadly it got reflected on the children. My aunts said the same thing too. It's just not the same relationship.

 

Now I wouldnt know myself. I've got a few years to go before I become a grandma, but it makes sense to me.

 

Yeah, that makes sense, but it doesn't make right. Sad all around.

[dsmith]

Thanks for the suggestions - I know I have let some of my resentment get in the way instead of trying things like this on my end. I just remember how close they were (he was the first grandchild) and see what is going on now, and it breaks my heart. He is 11 now, and he is starting to see the difference. And the he walks up to her, gives her a big hug, and tells her he loves her. I don't want him to be hurt - I am very protective of his feelings, as he has had some major hurts in the past by a different family member.

 

 

 

 

Sounds like there are two things going on, and from the little I can glean from a single post, like maybe your MIL doesn't *mean* to be hurtful towards you or your son...

 

First, maybe she is genuinely unsure as to how to approach or interact with your son. I don't know him personally, and Aspies have a huge range of personalities and ways of interacting, but it's true that sometimes it can be difficult to figure out how to connect. And perhaps the diagnosis itself frightened her a little, made her even more unsure of how to proceed. Perhaps you can think of ways to give her, very gently, more tools to connect with him? Can you come up with an activity that both of them would enjoy? Perhaps baking would have the rules and structure that would be comfortable for him, but also be something she would enjoy? Say, "Hey, Mom, DS and I were hoping to bake a batch of cookies this afternoon. We'd love for you to join us..." Or any other low-key project. Not something that takes a lot of pre-planning, not something that will hurt you if she says, "I can't right now"... But something that will just get them working side-by-side, perhaps sharing something.

 

If you live in the same house, can you offer to make lunch to share with her? "Mom, I've made a pot of soup and some homemade bread for lunch today. We'd love for you to join us..."

 

Don't wait for her to come up with ideas. Don't depend on plans out in the future. Suggest small things, right now that don't require much from her. Let her start connecting again in low-key ways...

 

The other issue is your SIL. Sigh. And I fear there's not a lot you can do there. Perhaps your MIL does see you as competent and in control and her own daughter as a basket case. Perhaps she thinks, "Well, Dana can manage..." In a way, lol, it's an unpleasant sort of compliment. ;)

 

But I would try to just focus on the relationship with your MIL and ignore the drain that is SIL. Frustrating as that is. There's not a lot you can do about her, and it doesn't really make me think worse of your MIL that she wants to help her annoying, demanding daughter who doesn't seem capable of keeping her daily life running smoothly...

 

But try to find simple ways to give your MIL the tools she needs to have a better relationship with your son. Could you invite her on a walk around the neighborhood? Ask her to play a round of Set or another simple game with you and your son? Invite her on a spontaneous run to Target or the grocery store. Drop hints about things that your son is interested in talking about, *especially* if you can find any overlap between interests in her life and in his. Just don't wait for her to figure things out on her own...

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I can see this happening in my family as well. My mom is closer to my kids than my brothers' kids. She comes over here to help me once a week, and she never did that for my SILs. Of course, they probably wouldn't be comfortable with her coming over and washing their clothes, or cleaning out their refrigerator (or sweeping under their couch -- yuck). She does those things for me. I know my nearest SIL is resentful of it. I know my mom goes out of her way to be there for them and their kids too (even has my nephew living with her), but it's still not the same between her and my SIL as it is between her and me. And, it does cause a different relationship with the grandkids.