I feel about 2 inches tall

[bugs]

I have been homeschooling a friend's son - we'll call him Kyle and her Candy- since the beginning of the 2008 school year. In that time she and her husband divorced, and they have had many court issues. Her house is in foreclosure. She works for a non-profit who just this week put her on half salary. I charge her $150/mo. There are many more issues than I can remember. Last year I felt that both mom and son pushed my boundaries. So when I said I would homeschool this year I wrote a contract.

 

Well, the year has only just begun and I feel as if my boundaries are invaded again. Kyle would say he'd complete some work at his own home but I recall that he only did it once out of about 10 - 15 "commitments". He missed the dates on one memorization assignment and one reading/journaling assignment. Candy didn't know her son was not completing some independent work because she never really checked up on this (I did let her know btw). I had asked her (way early on) to help him organize his weeks. She did (for one week) after I complained about him falling behind.

 

My "school" for Kyle is open from 0830 to 1600 hrs. But I ask that he (and my kids) start NLT 0930. Well, today was his third day late in two weeks. It was only by five minutes but I met him outside giving him some of his work that he could do at home. His mom was dropping him off (they live less than a five min drive or a slo-mo 15 min walk) today so I had to let go my latest frustrations. I had "verbalized" part of it in a letter I sent her last week.

 

To her five minutes late is small potatoes in her life. And I have to agree. However, it's just one more issue. So I feel bad I got angry but I feel a little less stressed too. I told her to consider having Kyle stay home with her or go to public school. I told her I was still praying on the matter. She'd rather not because she likes having Kyle influenced by a stable family.

 

So part of this thread was to vent. But, I'd like to hear some suggestions/comments as well. I am pretty thick skinned so sock it to me if you think I need it. I would like to do what is God's will but I am one that needs to be knocked in the head - nuances are often lost on me. I know my description is one sided and all over the place but any help would be appreciated.

[Country Mouse]

How old is "Kyle"?

[Tree House Academy]

The truth here is that her bad "luck" is not your fault, nor is it your issue. If she is disrupting your family and causing you stress and strife, it is not your place to deal with it just because her life is tough. It sounds as if, perhaps, some of her issues are her own fault. I won't speculate, but when she can't even get her son to you on time NOR can she make sure he does his homework, I mean, COME ON. That is on her. And I am sure that same disregard for rules and such may play a role in her other life dramas.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. I think prayer is your best option, but I would not feel small by any means. You have done your part - she needs to step up as his parent and do her. Just my 2 pennies.

[bugs]

Kyle is 14 years old - 8th grade.

[Desert Rat]

Sounds like a tough situation all around. Considering Candy's situation, I would tend to be more lenient, at least for the time being. In the meantime though, I would inform Kyle and Candy both that school will now begin an extra 1/2 hour early. This would ensure he would be there on time. I would also consider setting up a type of schedule for homework that would need to be initialed by Candy to ensure that she stays active and attentive.

Just a few ideas. They may not work for you and I understand that by telling him school starts early it doesn't not instill in him a sense of duty or responsibility, but really, his mother (and father) should be teaching that lesson, not you, the teacher.

[elegantlion]

That's a lot of stress in life in a little over a year. And a tough call. Stress can affect adults in weird/real ways as a student (how old?) life could seem paralyzing.

 

Since you used the phrase God's will I hope you won't mind some CC added to my post. Can you think of this as ministry and not just a teaching assignment? As a stable family you can have good influence on this child, but only as long as it is not disrupting the overall stability of YOUR family.

 

Did you sign the contract only once in 2008? I would think a yearly contract would be better. Also was she in the process of divorce when you signed it? Not a slam so please don't take it that way but did you think of how the divorce would affect the child and how that might spill over to his schoolwork?

 

Unfortunately if you dump him as a student (regardless of reason) you may only be viewed as someone who added another stress to their lives. You could be viewed as the family that abandoned them when they needed stability most.

 

Marriage is a contract, buying a house as a contract, she may see that all of these commitments she made and tried to keep are now failed. I know it would make me feel like a huge failure.

 

I'm not saying any of these things would be your problem if you asked her to seek other options. If they are not keeping up with the contract you are within your rights to terminate it.

 

If it were me and the homeschooling was taken after the divorce was announced I would try to renegotiate the contract and suck it up and view it as a ministry. Especially if it was not totally disrupting my family.

 

JMHO keep or discard anything that doesn't help.

 

ETA: @ 14 I would want to have influence in this boys life. I can't imagine how a boy might feel if his father left and then the family felt into financial crisis. It would definitely make me question everything my father had taught me/modeled about being a man. 14 is hard enough without that inner turmoil.

Edited October 13, 2009 by elegantlion

[Country Mouse]

I think you need to have a parent-teacher conference, for lack of a better term. Reiterate your expectations for her and for her son. I like the suggestion of a schedule that needs to be initialed by her. Let her know that if she expects you to continue to provide this (VERY inexpensive) service she must uphold her end of the agreement.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would be firm with them both. First with mom, just let her know that it's disruptive to be late and can't be tolerated. In a school it would be a truancy issue and she wouldn't do it there. You are a friend so deserve the respect. I would also let her know that you will not be babying him and she may see it in his grades. You might suggest an assignment book so he and she can better keep up with the work, if they would like.

 

But with kiddo? At 14, he is capable of taking on this responsibility himself and would have to if he were in school. If mom seems to be running late, then he needs to walk to school. If he doesn't do his work at home, then he doesn't get the opportunity to do it at home, but will do it at school instead. If he refuses to get work done, his grades will go down.

 

For example: You might have homework due at 8:30. If it isn't done, he'll get a lower grade on it but he can do it before you start class at 9:30. He'll miss out on whatever it is the kids do in that hour.

 

You REALLY can't do anything about an adult's choices. You really only have what you can do with the kid and he NEEDS to learn to be responsible and respectful and honest and disciplined. And he's 14. You really have a great opportunity to be not only stable but a teacher in many ways for him.

 

HTHs,

[bugs]

I feel I can have another go at the situation with all your wonderful suggestions and words of encourgement.

 

That's a lot of stress in life in a little over a year. And a tough call. Stress can affect adults in weird/real ways as a student (how old?) life could seem paralyzing.

 

Yes, I am sure this plays into. I don't think he always sleeps well.

 

Since you used the phrase God's will I hope you won't mind some CC added to my post. Can you think of this as ministry and not just a teaching assignment? As a stable family you can have good influence on this child, but only as long as it is not disrupting the overall stability of YOUR family.

 

I Do think of this as a ministry - at about $1.07/hour how can I not :tongue_smilie:?

 

Did you sign the contract only once in 2008? I would think a yearly contract would be better. Also was she in the process of divorce when you signed it? Not a slam so please don't take it that way but did you think of how the divorce would affect the child and how that might spill over to his schoolwork?

 

There was no contract last year - this was the first year I had the contract. Part of the reason for the contract was for the two of them to learn some independence. Unfortunately, the separation started before the beginning of the last school year but became "finalized" during the middle of the 2008 -2009 school year. Of course, some divorce issues seem to last longer than others. And I do agree how this could effect schoolwork. I do think there has to be a point where one learns to rise above their circumstances. Sadly, he needs to learn sooner than most kids.

 

Unfortunately if you dump him as a student (regardless of reason) you may only be viewed as someone who added another stress to their lives. You could be viewed as the family that abandoned them when they needed stability most.

 

This is one half the reason I have not done so yet. The other half is because I hate quitting.

 

Marriage is a contract, buying a house as a contract, she may see that all of these commitments she made and tried to keep are now failed. I know it would make me feel like a huge failure.

 

I'm not saying any of these things would be your problem if you asked her to seek other options. If they are not keeping up with the contract you are within your rights to terminate it.

 

If it were me and the homeschooling was taken after the divorce was announced I would try to renegotiate the contract and suck it up and view it as a ministry. Especially if it was not totally disrupting my family.

 

I do try to keep my emotions under control but lately, because I feel like it's one issue after another, I am stressed out and that does transfer to my family. And hence, my getting to this point in the first place.

 

JMHO keep or discard anything that doesn't help.

 

It all helps, and I do appreciate your time. I do want to make it work. I just need to figure out how I know if I should be done - before "blowing up" at something stupid.

 

ETA: @ 14 I would want to have influence in this boys life. I can't imagine how a boy might feel if his father left and then the family felt into financial crisis. It would definitely make me question everything my father had taught me/modeled about being a man. 14 is hard enough without that inner turmoil.