springmama Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 To make a long story short..... There is a woman I know who has a bad reputation for lying, cheating and stealing. We have a mutual friend and she tells me that this woman has found Christ and is trying to change and be a good honest person. I believe she is still a toxic individual and I'd like to stay away, yet she has been emailing me asking why I'm not interested in friendship and why I do not like her. What does the Bible say I should do? I really would rather not bother with this person because I do believe she would lie to me and steal from me and I know she has engaged in illegal activity in the past. I do not trust her one bit. What is the right thing for me to do in this situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Is it the woman herself emailing your or your mutual friend? If it was the mutual friend, I would be honest and say that you don't trust her. Maybe suggest that over time she can gain your trust, but it won't happen over night. I noticed you said she is "trying" to change not that she has changed. I don't know what I would say if it was the woman herself. Maybe encourage her and wish her well, but explain your too busy for more. Maybe even suggest that she will find other people that will help her in her journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Forgive her. Move on. Matthew 18:22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven. I'd also hold all my earthly treasure with an open hand. You can't take it with you when you go. Don't fear losing your things. Luke 12:34 "Where your treasure is, there your heart is also." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria from IN Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I have no specific advice...I just know that forgiving is one thing, and forgetting is another. It's perfectly natural to be wary of her. Just telling her that you're in a place in your life where you need to care for yourself and your family but you wish her well may help. Then later, if you see for yourself that she has really changed...who knows?:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Forgive her. Move on. Matthew 18:22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven. I'd also hold all my earthly treasure with an open hand. You can't take it with you when you go. Don't fear losing your things. Luke 12:34 "Where your treasure is, there your heart is also." It's not that I fear losing my things, but I do fear being taken advantage of and also ruining my reputation. This is also the kind of toxic individual that never has money for groceries, yet a new tattoo shows up on her body. Her rent is never paid, she always needs someone to do things for her and her life is always miserable but it's never her fault. She likes to be the victim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Is it the woman herself emailing your or your mutual friend? If it was the mutual friend, I would be honest and say that you don't trust her. Maybe suggest that over time she can gain your trust, but it won't happen over night. I noticed you said she is "trying" to change not that she has changed. I don't know what I would say if it was the woman herself. Maybe encourage her and wish her well, but explain your too busy for more. Maybe even suggest that she will find other people that will help her in her journey. It is the woman herself emailing me. She wants to know why I hold the opinions that I do and she seems to think I gossip about her. I refuse to get in the middle of the many many squabbles she has had with others around here, so I will not go into specifics with her about why I believe she is dishonest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Forgiveness is one thing; reconciliation is another. The Bible has lots to say about who we should associate with--you should NOT be "guilted" into choosing to associate with her. Pay more attention to her deeds than to her words. And the fact that SHE herself is badgering you and laying on guilt trips should be a big confirmation that she is indeed still toxic. I would honestly pray for her and privately wish her well, but I would also block her from my email with no guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Dear Person, I wish you well, wholeness in life. It seems you've found a new life in Christ and know that I will continue to wholeheartedly pray that the Holy Spirit walk with you! At this time, a relationship with you is not something I am comfortable with. It's not something I will discuss with you or with others. In Him, OP ETA: In the words of (liberal spiritual) Marianne Williamson, "just because you've forgiven, it doesn't mean you have to do lunch". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Three ideas: 1. If she is a new believer and you have the time and inclination, you might offer a Bible study to her - at a neutral place like a bookstore. Make it short - perhaps 30 min. and keep your conversation to the topics that you are studying. 2. If you are truly busy, then explain that it is a matter of not having time right now to pursue a new friendship. 3. Of if you have the time and inclination, you might just offer to meet her as a friend at a park for a 30 min - 1 hour walk. Whatever you do, be kind, but set up the boundaries that you need to set up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Well God gave you common sense for a reason. You can forgive her, see her as an imperfect person, just like the rest of us. Realise that she is NOT beyond God's grace and mercy. Perhaps He is working in her life. You have your first priority: your family. If dealing with theatrics is draining, then don't deal. Just concentrate on your family and let her know that you do not hate her, in fact, you love her... but your family needs your time right now. You just want to keep the door open, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 To make a long story short..... There is a woman I know who has a bad reputation for lying, cheating and stealing. We have a mutual friend and she tells me that this woman has found Christ and is trying to change and be a good honest person. I believe she is still a toxic individual and I'd like to stay away, yet she has been emailing me asking why I'm not interested in friendship and why I do not like her. What does the Bible say I should do? I really would rather not bother with this person because I do believe she would lie to me and steal from me and I know she has engaged in illegal activity in the past. I do not trust her one bit. What is the right thing for me to do in this situation? You are absolutely right to protect yourself. In pestering you and trying to guilt trip you, she's already made an attempt to manipulate you. Be gracious, but keep your distance. When a few years pass, if she really has changed, then you can build a closer relationship - slowly. Chances are she hasn't changed; she's just found a new gambit. This isn't about forgiveness. It's about staying out of her next drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Lynn Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 What does the Bible say to do?? Here is my 2 cents worth. :) 1. Pray. Ask God to make it clear what involvement He wants you to have in this lady's life. Jesus came to those who lie, cheat, and steal. In fact one of his closest disciples did those very things and Jesus still loved him. Having said that, Jesus was not called to make every person His closest friend. He did what the Father asked Him to do. My point is that the character of the person here is less important than doing what you are supposed to do. And I have no idea whether that is to get involved or to speak the truth and end it, or something in between. 2. Examine your own heart. That is always the toughest part for me. Really tough sometimes. Whatever you do is best done with love. Again we can know the truth about someone's character that isn't pretty and still love them. On some occassions I have been sure that I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about what I wanted to say and graciously speak some encouragement to someone else or graciously remove myself and bear any blame that might surface. At other times I am to speak the truth, but not until I can do it with love. That has been the end of 2 relationships, but in retrospect I can see that it was a good thing, a very good thing. Another time it deepened a relationship in such a positive way and produced some change. I was scared going into it and the other person was intimidating and was my leader and it was even in this person's home, but as I spoke some hard truth with plain undramatized facts with love, I couldn't have anticipated the results. Even the relationships that have ended did so in a quiet way. I can speak to them, if I see them in public and I could even say that I like the people and am not angry with them or anything. Sometimes the truth needs to be spoken, but it is very important to limit that to the amount God leads you to say. If we start adding on to things, we can make a mess. 3. The first 2 are more important, but from what you wrote, I would probably ask for clarification. What is she seeking and why does she think that you don't like her? I would address those before anything else. I would ask a few questions. It may be that in her answer, you will find clarity. If she is wanting time that you don't have or is expecting something under the heading of friendship that you can't offer, it is good to clear that up in the beginning. I had an awkward "friendship" with a lovely lady, who kept telling me she wanted to be better friends. In the end, I finally realized that she had some sort of image of me that wasn't true. She really wanted to be friends with a pretend "me", but not the real me. I like her, but the whole thing was somewhat draining for both of us. We remain pleasant acquaintances or distant friends, someone I would be happy to talk to, when I see her. Well, we are now. I really struggled for some time with this lady, because I was so hurt in the process. I don't think she ever really understood that her words and actions hurt me so deeply. And for some strange reason, God never let me "speak the truth" about that. LOL I had to get my attitude right toward her. That was most important thing. On the slim chance that she is truly desiring to reconcile with people, it would be good to hear that before telling her that she is not someone you could ever trust. 4. If I were still uncertain what to do, I might suggest to meet somewhere for a drink, like Starbucks or McDonalds. Meeting in public for a short period of time would give you the opportunity to get a sense of the reasons/motivation behind her advances, but again you might need to be prepared to speak some truth. If you need to, invite someone else along, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 It is the woman herself emailing me. She wants to know why I hold the opinions that I do and she seems to think I gossip about her. I refuse to get in the middle of the many many squabbles she has had with others around here, so I will not go into specifics with her about why I believe she is dishonest. healthy folks don't email people asking why they don't like them... or accusing them of gossipping. not going into specifics is a healthy choice on your part. maybe email her back saying you are praying for her each and every day, and are so glad that she has found Christ. and let that be the end of it. if she persists in demanding that you explain yourself, i simply wouldn't. there is no rule that you need to answer each and every email. good luck, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Dear Person, I wish you well, wholeness in life. It seems you've found a new life in Christ and know that I will continue to wholeheartedly pray that the Holy Spirit walk with you! At this time, a relationship with you is not something I am comfortable with. It's not something I will discuss with you or with others. In Him, OP Joanne, have you ever considered writing a "Book of Letters for All Occasions"? I saw the response you penned for Erin earlier today, and now this one - hit the nail on the head both times! I remember years ago either Dear Abby or Ann Landers published one of these - I think your would be way better and eminently more useful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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