SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 There was a discussion on here recently about apologies. I have a situation where a person in my life might be expecting an apology from me for something I've said. I stand behind what I've said 100%. This person is my dad and is threatening to never speak to me again. My dh and two other people in the know about what happened all support me. Would you apologize just to have your dad speak to you. I'm afraid that by apologizing I'll have undone a boundary I'm trying to set. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I would not apologize, under those conditions. I'm sorry you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Can you apologize for making him feel that way? If that wasn't your intent, I mean. It's a sort of non-apology, except if you're genuinely sorry he responded like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Can you apologize for making him feel that way? If that wasn't your intent, I mean. It's a sort of non-apology, except if you're genuinely sorry he responded like that. That's what I would do. "I'm sorry that you were hurt by my comment/s." and leave it at that. If that's not good enough, well at least you tried to compromise w/out compromising your boundary. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Can you apologize for making him feel that way? If that wasn't your intent, I mean. It's a sort of non-apology, except if you're genuinely sorry he responded like that. Hmmm, am I sorry he responded that way? I'm hurt that he responded that way. I feel betrayed that he responded that way. I'm sorry for him that he would give up his grandkids because he didn't like the boundary. I can't say that I am sorry in a way that I feel remorse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Can you apologize for making him feel that way? If that wasn't your intent, I mean. It's a sort of non-apology, except if you're genuinely sorry he responded like that. You know, I might recommend this, but to me, if he's threatening not to ever speak to her again over ONE COMMENT that her DH and other witnesses do not think was out of line, he has proved himself to be a boundary-challenged person. With boundary-challenged people, a concession like this is like blood in the water. I foresee he will feel justified in making such threats again anytime he doesn't like what she says, and to become even more touchy yet. And I think he will perceive her as weak and target her even further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 What *can* you honestly say? "I'm sorry that you were hurt"? "I'm sorry this has created a rift between us"? This is one of those times when the "non-apology" may be the best way to go. To say, "I'm sorry I said that" would be a lie, and ultimately might make the situation worse. To say, truthfully, "I'm sorry that what I said made you angry" or whatever fits the circumstance and your position in it, might help build bridges where you want them without compromising your original stand or integrity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 "I stand behind what I said, but I'm sorry you were hurt by it. Can we move beyond it and try again?" That is the way I would probably phrase it but I don't have the basal knowledge you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I don't think I can do it. He's been like this since I was a kid. He can hold a grudge even after an apology. I once made him made in high school. I apologized more than once and he still brought it up until I was in my late twenties. I finally told him I had apologized multiple times and I wasn't going to do it again. That seemed to help. I think I'll just stick to what I said and see what happens. They are coming for a visit on Sunday. This all has to do with their visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 "I stand behind what I said, but I'm sorry you were hurt by it. Can we move beyond it and try again?" That is the way I would probably phrase it but I don't have the basal knowledge you do. This might work. I can maybe try this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 It really does sound to me like this is not your problem, but his. I think your instinct on how to deal with him and keep boundaries intact is "right on." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Hmmm, am I sorry he responded that way? I'm hurt that he responded that way. I feel betrayed that he responded that way. I'm sorry for him that he would give up his grandkids because he didn't like the boundary. I can't say that I am sorry in a way that I feel remorse. In that case, I would say: Dad, I stand by what I said. I'm hurt that you would react that way and the only thing I'm sorry for is your behavior. If you can't love me enough to understand this, then you owe me the apology. Kwiech, I hope it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 In that case, I would say: Dad, I stand by what I said. I'm hurt that you would react that way and the only thing I'm sorry for is your behavior. If you can't love me enough to understand this, then you owe me the apology. Kwiech, I hope it all works out. How I wish I could say that! Maybe I'll just think it when I'm feeling weak. It will work out in some way. I feel confident that I did the right thing because for the first time in my marriage I listened to my dh and stood with him. I chose to put him first instead of my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 How I wish I could say that! Maybe I'll just think it when I'm feeling weak. It will work out in some way. I feel confident that I did the right thing because for the first time in my marriage I listened to my dh and stood with him. I chose to put him first instead of my parents. Oh sweetie! In that case, your dad GAVE YOU AWAY to this man and for them to make you choose would be forcing you to walk away from them. You can say that and if it comes up, or if your father is nasty to your dh, then you should. He needs to learn his place, better now than later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatertotschool Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Personally- I would apologize to my dad. My reasons are spiritual, not only from what the Bible says about honoring mother and father- but also what it says about reconciliation. Matt. 5 comes to mind. But again, not considering your situation or knowing your own religious views, this is just what I'd do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 How I wish I could say that! Maybe I'll just think it when I'm feeling weak. It will work out in some way. I feel confident that I did the right thing because for the first time in my marriage I listened to my dh and stood with him. I chose to put him first instead of my parents. Good for you! This will boost your dh if he feels he is usually not supported. You could calmly say something like this: "I am very sorry you feel like you cannot speak to me again. I will miss you very much. I do stand by what I said. It appears we have a difference in opinion." Is your Dad the kind of guy who blows up first and then thinks about for a while, stews a little and comes around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Personally- I would apologize to my dad. My reasons are spiritual, not only from what the Bible says about honoring mother and father- but also what it says about reconciliation. Matt. 5 comes to mind. But again, not considering your situation or knowing your own religious views, this is just what I'd do. I am a christian and I know what the Bible says about honoring your mother and father. I also know that it says to leave you mother and father and cleave to your husband. I don't feel I've dishonored my father by standing by my husband. Had I exploded and yelled and manipulated then I would feel that I had dishonored my father. I did wonder about honoring mother and father last night but I think in this case backing up my husband trumped it. Unfortunately I don't usually back up my husband when it comes to my parents. I know I asked about making an apology and am now resisting it but I'm just so afraid an apology will just give him room to do it again. All I wanted them to do was ask me before they did something because it involves my family and my house but he refused. I think he believes that he shouldn't have to ask his daughter permission for anything. It is something that I would ask permission for before I did it to anyone else even my parents. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I am a christian and I know what the Bible says about honoring your mother and father. I also know that it says to leave you mother and father and cleave to your husband. I don't feel I've dishonored my father by standing by my husband. Had I exploded and yelled and manipulated then I would feel that I had dishonored my father. I did wonder about honoring mother and father last night but I think in this case backing up my husband trumped it. Unfortunately I don't usually back up my husband when it comes to my parents. I know I asked about making an apology and am now resisting it but I'm just so afraid an apology will just give him room to do it again. All I wanted them to do was ask me before they did something because it involves my family and my house but he refused. I think he believes that he shouldn't have to ask his daughter permission for anything. It is something that I would ask permission for before I did it to anyone else even my parents. Kelly It also says that parents should not provoke their children to anger. And it also says that Christianity can cause a rift between family members. Kelly, you have to stand up for your home and your dh. You are right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUV2EDU Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I don't think I can do it. He's been like this since I was a kid. He can hold a grudge even after an apology. I once made him made in high school. I apologized more than once and he still brought it up until I was in my late twenties. I finally told him I had apologized multiple times and I wasn't going to do it again. That seemed to help. I think I'll just stick to what I said and see what happens. They are coming for a visit on Sunday. This all has to do with their visit. Well, there you have it. Apologizing to him will only give him power to make your life miserable. Don't mention it to him. Best wishes to you on Sunday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cranberry Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I've gone through similar issues with my father. Has no clue about boundaries. It is not honoring your father to enable him to treat you or others badly. It is not honoring your father to apologize for something you didn't do. Just my 2 cents.... I hope it all works out for you and you can have peace knowing you are honoring your husband and your father. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 It turns out my parent's car broke down in GA (transmission problems). Once they get it fixed they will turn around and go home. I think that is a good thing. Maybe it will give hurt feelings and wounds some time to heal. I know my father will never apologize to me for what he said nor will my mom for what she said and I need some time to forgive fully. I know I will forgive with or without an apology but I do need some time and space. I think in this case forgiveness is the way I can honor my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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