What to do about selfish dd??????

[happyWImom]

Dd is 7, ds 5, and it's always been "all about me" for her. I'm constantly telling her it's not, but.... Ds is pretty easygoing, and always happy for dd, but she is soooo jealous, selfish, whatever. Those words look so harsh, and I think her feelings come from some type of inadequacy (why, I don't know). We are always super encouraging of her and don't favor ds over her. But, whenever we compliment ds, she'll say "What about my_____" Isn't mine good, do you like mine, etc... And, if you do something for him it has to be the same for her, etc...

 

I am an only child, so the whole sib rivalry thing is foreign to me.:001_huh:

 

Anyway, today dh brought home a bike for ds that he got at the DUMP, okay? Dd had gotten a new bike this spring, but it's too small for her, and ds had had dd's old trike. We said dd needed a bigger bike, and were looking for a used one but haven't found it yet. She can still ride hers though. So, ds is sooo excited about his bike, dd takes one look and bursts into tears! "Where's my new bike? Didn't they have one for me at the dump????" Doesn't matter what it was, she had to have it too. I've talked to her about being happy for others, etc... but it doesn't sink in. So, she's unhappy, and poor dd's happiness is diminished also.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Please!

[*********]

That's a tough one, and something I think many kids go through.

My boys are 6 and 3 1/2. Here's what I've started doing. (I do this with ds6, since I feel ds 3 1/2 is still too young to fully grasp the concepts.)

 

We're Christians, so we talk and study a lot about how Christ would have us treat others. Then, we put it into practice. If I have, say, one piece of candy left, I'll ask ds6 'Son, who do you think I should give this too, you, or you're brother?'. Of course, he knows the right answer is to put others first, so he'll say 'brother'. And, well, sometimes I split the candy (or whatever it is), and sometimes I'll give it to brother. And sometimes, I give it to him. It really is good to let kids see that giving to others is ok. They're not gonna starve/die/implode if someone has something that they don't.

 

It's hard, but I think it's important to not try to always be 'fair', in a way. :tongue_smilie:(If that makes sense.) Sometimes you get something special, sometimes brother gets something special, sometimes you both get it, sometimes no one gets anything special. It's not 'playing favorites', or being mean. It's the way things are.

 

I just bought ds 3 1/2 his first two-wheel bike. At the thrift store. Now, ds6 already has a bike. And he is VERY happy for his little brother. Does he still take a turn on little brother's bike, even though it's too small? Sure he does. But he was almost as excited for little brother as little brother was for himself when he got it. :001_smile:

 

It's all about heart attitude, training, practicing, and making lots of opportunities for them to be happy for each other, instead of just for themselves.

 

Hope my rambling made at least a bit of sense. :)

 

ETA: I wanted to add, we do a lot of talking about how some children have nothing. Literally. Nothing. No parents, or no toys, or no food. We (dh and I) feel it's important for our children (and ourselves!) to not take even 'basic' things for granted. We want to live a life of gratitude to the Lord for ALL things he provides for us; salvation, love, food, clothing, toys, health, family, joy. It's just an underlying 'theme', if you will, for our family. Gratitude.

Edited June 15, 2009 by bethanyniez

[Joanne]

Dd is 7, ds 5, and it's always been "all about me" for her. I'm constantly telling her it's not, but.... Ds is pretty easygoing, and always happy for dd, but she is soooo jealous, selfish, whatever. Those words look so harsh, and I think her feelings come from some type of inadequacy (why, I don't know). We are always super encouraging of her and don't favor ds over her. But, whenever we compliment ds, she'll say "What about my_____" Isn't mine good, do you like mine, etc... And, if you do something for him it has to be the same for her, etc...

 

I would stop being "super encouraging of her". For example, I don't over praise, over thank or over fuss when my kids do the baseline, expected things. They get simple "good job" or "well done" when they've done *more* than expected.

 

I would talk to her about her thought process. "Your mind immediately goes to *you*. Let's talk about how to graciously be happy for others." Show her, practice with her.

 

I'd find ways to have her participate in service work.

 

I'd give her scripts and "one chance". For the script "Dear daughter, say 'cook bike'!" And then, dd, if you can't allow him to be happy about it, you may play in your room until you are done processing your feelings. I'd do the same with verbal compliments for others. Teach her how to be quiet or remove herself if she can't.

 

I'd give her a journal to write out her feelings so they are expressed but she doesn't hold the family hostage with them.

 

I'd start a morning or nightly gratitude journal with her.

[PCA]

Its always hard to give advice to other families without actually seeing what is going on, but, in our house, we do not tolerate bad attitudes or selfishness.

 

In our family, we do alot of training in christian character and also in having a joyful heart. We explain to our children that things wont always be exactly the same for everyone and as a family that loves each other we should WANT each other to succeed. We should be excited for our siblings if something great happens to them, as if it had happened to each of us. And not only our family, but others in the world that are blessed in certain ways should, we should rejoice with them.

 

We will give a discipline to our children that exhibit selfish or bad attitudes to others. It is one thing to feel disappointed and hope to achieve something for yourself, it is another thing to want something for yourself and NOT for others. To be selfish, envious or have a mean spirit towards someone else is worthy of correction in our home.

 

We teach them to "do unto others as we would have others do to us". This is all training for them to be a respectful, kind, serving others, and content adults!

 

Another good thing to do is get her involved in serving others. Let her serve the homeless, orphans, elderly....

 

I hope that is helpful.

[BikeBookBread]

It's hard, but I think it's important to not try to always be 'fair', in a way. :tongue_smilie:(If that makes sense.) Sometimes you get something special, sometimes brother gets something special, sometimes you both get it, sometimes no one gets anything special. It's not 'playing favorites', or being mean. It's the way things are.

 

ETA: I wanted to add, we do a lot of talking about how some children have nothing. Literally. Nothing. No parents, or no toys, or no food. We (dh and I) feel it's important for our children (and ourselves!) to not take even 'basic' things for granted. We want to live a life of gratitude to the Lord for ALL things he provides for us; salvation, love, food, clothing, toys, health, family, joy. It's just an underlying 'theme', if you will, for our family. Gratitude.

 

:iagree: Amen! We're going through this with our dd5 as well. I think part of it is the age. We too are Christians and we as such, have to just realize that the heart is selfish, and therefore, teach to the heart of the matter.

[Rosie_0801]

As Joanne said, I think you need to lighten up on your praise of your daughter's accomplishments. Some things are worthy of effusive praise, sure, but "good job" is sufficient for most things. Instead, try focusing on character. She clearly needs praise, but "what a generous spirit you have!" is a much better quality compliment than "great cartwheels" and she'll get to realise that. Basically, she'll take her cues from you. If you appear to value bike riding skills, by over-praising, she'll value them too as a way of getting attention. If you appear to value generosity, manners or whatever, by praising them (both in her and other people,) it won't be so long before she figures that out and behaves that way to get compliments off you. That's the first step. When she matures a bit more, she'll realise for herself that compliments are only a secondary reason for behaving nicely.

I don't know your daughter, of course, but some kids take these sorts of things gradually, others need a bit of confrontation. If your's is like that, you might try saying something like "it's funky that you can do bike tricks, but your attitude sucks so it's hard for me to be impressed. I think we need to work on learning to have a generous spirit, because that would really impress me." There are, of course, more polite ways of phrasing it, but some kids need the less polite version as a kick in the pants. I've done that before and seen immediate changes for the better (with kids your dd's age, too.) We should be nice to kids, obviously, but sometimes they (like the rest of us!) require a verbal kick in the rear to set them straight.

 

Cheers,

Rosie

[EmilyK]

"Siblings without Rivalry" is a great book. Faber and Mazlish? By the same folks who wrote "How to Talk so that Children will Listen, and Listen so Children will Talk." (or something like that)

 

They also wrote a great one about "How to Talk so that Children can Learn" (or something like that). That one really helped me.

 

I feel I should reread them all once a year to keep in shape. Libraries usually have them.

[Dirtroad]

I have been known the make the one with "attitude" SERVE the other one (with your keeping an eye on her). Example... read them a story, bring them a refill of milk at dinner, or bring them their shoes before an outing.... just some simple things at various times to allow them to practice, practice, practice.

 

Another thing is (not going to popular) but you can take away anything she complains about. Bike jealous.... take the bike away for a week and talk to her about PRIVILAGES and BLESSINGS. Complain about his cookie being larger... she loses hers altogether. No cookie & next time we will appreciate our gifts. (tough, but her behavior is also). Nip the complaining soon. It will only escalate & she won't be good to her brother.

 

Only compliment the true accomplishements and improvements. Too much praise is as destructive as too much criticism. False sense of superiority or importance etc. Also, diminishes true accomplishments.

 

Talk doesn't do it for strong will people or strongly established behaviors.... action does (not cruel but accountability).

 

Nip it soon & you will have great rewards.... and peace!;)

Edited June 16, 2009 by Dirtroad

[kalanamak]

 

Thoughts? Advice? Please!

 

 

I like Raising a Thinking Child, which should have been called Raising a Child Who Thinks of Other's Feeling. If kiddo says something unkind or selfish, I start in on the questions in the book, and darned if it doesn't change his mood and mind (or at least a very good act of a change of mood and mind!).

[lionfamily1999]

With ds, we tried so many things... for awhile we mirrored him, but it really stunk to behave like that (for us), it was having an effect, but... well... Then, I decided, if he so covets his little bros things, then they would switch for a day. Drew wasn't allowed all those things that come with being older (DS, TV, going to friends' houses, etc). He lost the top bunk, he lost his science kits (sorry, that's not for little ones). By the end of the day, bedtime at 7 little one!, he was ready to be happy with what he had and MUCH less jealous of little bro.