adult bullies

[emzhengjiu]

I would very much appreciate some virtual hugs tonight! My daughters, one of their friends and I were at our apartment complex swimming pool. As we were leaving, their friend realized someone had moved or taken her towel. Kids are often picking up items that are not theirs. We looked several places but finally saw it behind a woman lying on a chaise lounge. Their friend went over to ask for her towel. The woman began verbally attacking her, actually getting in her face. This woman was a very tall, large, dominating person. Thankfully, I was following close behind the child. I sent her over to a couple we know, then told the woman to leave her alone. A heated discussion followed. I don't tolerate someone verbally abusing a child in my presence. Now I'm feeling a bit shaken. As a Christian, I know a gentle answer turns away wrath but I also feel bullies have to be confronted at times. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

 

Judy

[laurad1125]

Unbelievable! :grouphug: Good for you for standing up for your daughter's friend!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm so sorry that happened. Can you report it to someone in charge of the apartment complex? (I'm sorry but I don't know how apartments work).

[Peek a Boo]

Did you get the towel back?

 

I hate bullies too.

A friend of mine is being harassed by a couple bullies down the street --they stop and take pictures of his house ALL. The. TIME. as well as verbally assault him , his wife, and his kids. The cops won't do anything, and he's trying to remain cool.

I, however, took my own digital camera and went down and took pictures/ videotaped THEIR houses too when both of them were home. They were NOT pleased, but i didn't back down. Got about 6 minutes of video of them telling me to get lost. :D Went back a couple days ago and did the same thing. Will continue till they leave my friends alone.

Quid Pro Quo.

Eye for an Eye.

 

and yes, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but some people wouldn't accept a gentle answer either. They get the eye for an eye part of scripture in that instance. ;)

[Valerie in Chicago]

Gold Star for you today!

 

DH has confronted bullies before. We were in a convenience store in our neighborhood once when he waited behind a guy who -- sorry to say it -- was clearly not from our neck of the woods. The guy was verbally berating the clerk, who was very nervous. DH told him to knock it off, that we don't do that around here. Bad Man threatened him. DH -- all 5'9" of him -- just looked him in the eye and said, "gee, i'm shaking." Bad Man stomped out of the store and screeched away in his car. Never saw him again. Bullies often (sadly, not always) will back down if you just call them on it.

 

Good for you for standing up for a child!!

[Liz CA]

Did you get the towel back?

 

I hate bullies too.

A friend of mine is being harassed by a couple bullies down the street --they stop and take pictures of his house ALL. The. TIME. as well as verbally assault him , his wife, and his kids. The cops won't do anything, and he's trying to remain cool.

I, however, took my own digital camera and went down and took pictures/ videotaped THEIR houses too when both of them were home. They were NOT pleased, but i didn't back down. Got about 6 minutes of video of them telling me to get lost. :D Went back a couple days ago and did the same thing. Will continue till they leave my friends alone.

Quid Pro Quo.

Eye for an Eye.

 

and yes, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but some people wouldn't accept a gentle answer either. They get the eye for an eye part of scripture in that instance. ;)

 

Peek, you make me grin! I can just see you prancing to and fro with your camera while they want to shoo you away. Wouldn't it be fun if you could post a pic?! :D

[KJB]

Just be careful.

 

Many "bullies" are actually people with mental illness who can't be expected to act rationally.

 

I try to avoid people who act bizarre, because you don't know why they're acting inappropriately. Many times it has to do with drugs, alcohol, and/or mental illness. There's a lot of wackos out there.

Edited June 7, 2009 by KJB

[emzhengjiu]

Thank you all so much! I'm doing better this morning. The apartment manager came last night to talk to us. She's a very good manager, thankfully. We had too many who were lousy at the job. We got our towel back and my daughters' friend is ok. She was upset until my girls distracted her with a movie.

 

I have had second thought though about confronting the person. She was in a group of people supporting her. KJB you are so right. Her behavior could have been because of drugs, alcohol or even mental illness. The situation could have been dangerous. So.... how do you know what to do. Do you let people who act this way toward anyone much less a child get away with their behavior or do you confront them? I wish I could say I prayed before saying something but I didn't.

 

Thanks again!

 

Judy

[PineFarmMom]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I feel the same about children and would have felt I had to do the same thing, but I just hate confrontation!!!!!!!!

 

A month ago, while walking out of Wal-Mart, I had all of my kids and was walking across the main drive area towards the rows of parked cars. This woman was driving too fast through that main area and didn't even pause by my 5yo and 3yo. They were right with me and I had to yank them back to protect them. She actually came inches front hitting my 5yo. I told her to slow down, no rudeness on my part, just matter-of-fact. She had a gangsta-looking guy with her who proceeded to stick his entire body out the passenger-side window and verbally assault me for trying to protect my 5yo and 3yo. He asked me if I wanted a piece of him and called me a bleeping b*&$. I stood there with my 4 children who were very upset and knew I couldn't say a thing because he would probably jump out of that car and harm me in front of the kids. What a man!! :001_rolleyes: I told the kids how tough he was trying to pick a fight with a woman with 4 kids. My 11yo son was the most upset, and I think it was because his male instinct to protect us kicked in and he couldn't do anything about it with this obvious nut-job adult threatening us. :(

[KJB]

Thank you all so much! I'm doing better this morning. The apartment manager came last night to talk to us. She's a very good manager, thankfully. We had too many who were lousy at the job. We got our towel back and my daughters' friend is ok. She was upset until my girls distracted her with a movie.

 

I have had second thought though about confronting the person. She was in a group of people supporting her. KJB you are so right. Her behavior could have been because of drugs, alcohol or even mental illness. The situation could have been dangerous. So.... how do you know what to do. Do you let people who act this way toward anyone much less a child get away with their behavior or do you confront them? I wish I could say I prayed before saying something but I didn't.

 

Thanks again!

 

Judy

 

I think you have to ask yourself what you gain by the confrontation.

 

Here's my basic philosophy:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdNcHKw1Dvs&feature=related

 

(0:

Edited June 7, 2009 by KJB

[Peek a Boo]

The situation could have been dangerous. So.... how do you know what to do. Do you let people who act this way toward anyone much less a child get away with their behavior or do you confront them? I wish I could say I prayed before saying something but I didn't.

 

well, for me, sometimes I DON't know what to do and only think of the perfect answer after the fact, lol.

 

In Texas T's situation, i likely would have responded anyway and egged them on w/ a loud "COWARD!" and taken my chances in a public forum. The more public the forum, the more likely I am to take action, even if my kids are with me.

In the part I shared above, it was just me and those two guys in front of their house, but i was on a public road in my van w/ my window rolled down. Certainly not "safe enough" if they wanted to punch me in the face, but public enough that they likely wouldn't get away with it.

So a public pool would put me in the "keep on engaging them" camp.

 

But my driving philosophy?

Greater love has no man than this -that he lay down his life for his friends.

 

If the bully in question is making people feel scared and worthless, I'm all over it. If they are trying to bully someone that I know can "handle" it, I tend to stay out of it.

 

The problem w/ bullies is that even if they have problems, that doesn't give them the right to bully people, and it doesn't excuse others from letting them bully other people. And bullies don't tend to stop unless you hit them hard somewhere, somehow.

 

however, yes, there is always the element of danger. sometimes lethal, sometimes Just Really Bad. That is a call that each family needs to make, because as a member of a family, your actions will affect those that you have made a commitment to. Our family has decided to adhere to the "stick up for others" point even if it brings on troublesome situations.

 

So when Stupid Guy Number Two that i confronted on video tries to scare me off w/ "well maybe we'll come take pictures of YOUR house" I can look them straight in the eye and say "Go ahead. Make my Day."

 

And when the police officer that they called after i left shows up and asks me to "just not go own there anymore" i can tell him that I won't sit idly by watching these guys harass a friend AND that w/ all due respect they don't have any authority to tell me to NOT do something that I have a legal right to do.

 

And when dh watches the video i took and hears the account, he says "well I'll be sure to pose if they stop by."

[PineFarmMom]

well, for me, sometimes I DON't know what to do and only think of the perfect answer after the fact, lol.

 

In Texas T's situation, i likely would have responded anyway and egged them on w/ a loud "COWARD!" and taken my chances in a public forum.

 

Would you, really? I mean, really, would you have egged on the quality of person that I am describing in front of your dc? Someone who would appear to have NO qualms about doing you harm no matter who is watching? He may not have, but who knows? Dh would be furious if I put dc in that type of situation when I could have turned the other cheek!! If it's a rude person in a public setting and that person doesn't look like a criminal, yeah, I could see doing it in front of dc...maybe, if I felt it's something that would influence them for good and not bad. I could even see egging this guy on with dc not with me. He looked like he was ready to take someone out if they even looked at him wrong, and the potential emotional damage that that one incident could inflict on my own children wouldn't be worth me getting my 2 cents in by smarting off. I'll let our jails take care of him if they haven't already. ;)

 

If I sound defensive or angry, I promise I am not. I'm kind of trying to pick your brain here, because even though the smart mouth in me wanted to throw an insult, the mother in me shut it off, and I hadn't thought any other way would be wise. I told it to a friend whose dh is a police officer, and she told me the wisdom of shutting my mouth and moving on. I'm just wondering if others would respond in a situation like that. There are some psychos out there, to be sure.

[Peek a Boo]

Would you, really? I mean, really, would you have egged on the quality of person that I am describing in front of your dc? Someone who would appear to have NO qualms about doing you harm no matter who is watching? He may not have, but who knows? Dh would be furious if I put dc in that type of situation when I could have turned the other cheek!! If it's a rude person in a public setting and that person doesn't look like a criminal, yeah, I could see doing it in front of dc...maybe, if I felt it's something that would influence them for good and not bad. I could even see egging this guy on with dc not with me. He looked like he was ready to take someone out if they even looked at him wrong, and the potential emotional damage that that one incident could inflict on my own children wouldn't be worth me getting my 2 cents in by smarting off. I'll let our jails take care of him if they haven't already. ;)

 

If I sound defensive or angry, I promise I am not. I'm kind of trying to pick your brain here, because even though the smart mouth in me wanted to throw an insult, the mother in me shut it off, and I hadn't thought any other way would be wise. I told it to a friend whose dh is a police officer, and she told me the wisdom of shutting my mouth and moving on. I'm just wondering if others would respond in a situation like that. There are some psychos out there, to be sure.

 

no worries --i think your questions and concerns are absolutely valid.

 

Yes, i really would have.

I also would have done so by backing up OUT of the line of traffic. ;)

Most people who ARE bullies are also cowards --make them stand their ground in a public situation and all of a sudden you're "not worth it."

 

But then again, i have a special gift for confrontation that I know many don't have, so while I know *I* would have, i would not expect most others to do as i would.

 

Police officers are great at enforcing the law, but they don't have a monopoly on keeping the peace in an effective manner. All too often some of the biggest problems society has is people shutting their mouths too much and letting bad people become worse. Our children will be interacting w/ those festering people and causing emotional damage on that end.

 

I agree that the emotional impact on the children needs to be weighed. We have had role-playing discussions a LOT in our home, and they have seen me in action enough times to see how my efforts sometimes succeed, sometimes have no effect, and sometimes fail. All warrant discussion of the pros and cons and feedback is always welcome.

 

I have been pleased that oldest ds' scoutmaster has reported several instances where oldest has intervened to help neutralize a situation. I hope that continues. :)

[PineFarmMom]

I also would have done so by backing up OUT of the line of traffic. ;)

Most people who ARE bullies are also cowards --make them stand their ground in a public situation and all of a sudden you're "not worth it."

 

But then again, i have a special gift for confrontation that I know many don't have, so while I know *I* would have, i would not expect most others to do as i would.

 

:)

 

Too true about bullies=cowards...we're teaching that to ds right now who is dealing with a coward who ds thinks is tough but we can tell he's a mean coward.

 

On the gift of confrontation, that wasn't one of those gifts given me. ;) I do confront, but it is oh so hard for me!!! Like pulling teeth! Sometimes I have God-filled, fearless strength and I'm bold then, but that's not the norm. Dh, on the other hand, does so beautifully, with firmness and poise: no shaking, sweating, heavy-breathing, or self-doubt like I do. :lol:

 

It's always refreshing to me to see how the brave half handle such situations.

[Peek a Boo]

On the gift of confrontation, that wasn't one of those gifts given me. ;)

 

 

 

Just know what your gifts ARE and USE them!

I am great at confrontation and putting my foot down, but there are plenty of areas in life where I am not gifted.

Sometimes glaringly so.... ;)

[LUV2EDU]

Just be careful.

 

Many "bullies" are actually people with mental illness who can't be expected to act rationally.

 

I try to avoid people who act bizarre, because you don't know why they're acting inappropriately. Many times it has to do with drugs, alcohol, and/or mental illness. There's a lot of wackos out there.

 

:iagree::iagree: