We just hired a 15-year-old to come around 8 hours a week, and she's been here a few times. So far, she's not very "take charge," but I can work around that, training her and making sure there are easily available snacks and meals. That will (hopefully) work itself out. But that is the max that we can really afford at the moment. In fact, just the other day I was fantasizing about maybe being able to hire a cleaner for the occasional help--then my DH promptly called and told me his car needed $900 worth of work *sigh* In general, about the money, there's a potential for my DH to make very good money at this new job. But again, given his job history and considering the real estate market, I just can't see me actually quitting my job. We've actually made several plans for me to quit in the past five years--including me saying at one point, "I'm quitting. Be prepared to figure out how to support us, no matter what." Every single time, he's been laid off, or the company folded, or the market tanked, or whatever. I'm too scared to even contemplate it! About the meds, my main fear is how bad things might get further along the line. Since September, I'm having fewer and fewer "Things are good!" days and far more bad days, and my anxiety level is rising. I've never, never been an anxious person, and I'm honestly afraid I'm headed for panic attacks or something. In general, feeling like this most days just does not feel good. Meds aren't just for people who might be committed or have some kind of break if they don't take them. There's a range of behaviors and emotional situations (as in, you feel hopeless and anxious every day and can't make the cloud lift on your own) where they'd be necessary or useful. I'm trying to not get to the point where they'd be necessary, based on the way my emotions have been sliding in the past several months. Does that make any sense? Actually, what's she craving is school from me. She loves what we do at home, and how close it brings us. She really thrives on it. This is part of my guilt, of course! And there are no small Ks--that's part of my problem :rolleyes: There's only the crummy PS, or a pricy (but way cheap for the area) private school that is academically rigorous (8 a.m. to 3 p.m). Even our wonderfully gentle play-based preschool ramps up to an academic full-day K, because "they really need that full day, you know?" I have a hard time swallowing full-day K. They're...OK. Not good, not horrible. I've been told, when I tell people which elementary school we're routed to, that "you don't want your kid to go to that school." I've also been told by a teacher in the system that she "wouldn't blame the school's problems or test scores on the teachers or curriculum," but more on the specific type of student population. Well, gee, thanks! Also, the high school had a bomb threat last year. Turned out it was a prank meant to scare some people, but still. It's billed as a "blue ribbon" school system, but I have no idea what the blue ribbon was for, and it was awarded years ago, for the high school. And heavens, yes, I really really could use an 8-hour week, LOL! You're so right. I've spent a lot of time paralyzed over this. It sucks. Every day my decisions are newly debated and fall out differently. Hmm. You really got me thinking tonight. This will probably be the approach I take, for now. Thing is, it's not so much that I feel the pressure of schooling all the time. It's actually more that I feel the sword of work hanging over me all the time. I can't enjoy time with the girls, I have a hard time getting them out of the house, I'm constantly saying No No No I can't do this or that with them because I have to finish "this work thing." I dropped the kids at my parents' tonight and went to B&N with my computer, intending to work. And it just made me so bloody sad that I couldn't even take an hour to myself at the bookstore on a Friday night without the work hanging over my head, because I can't ever gather together enough focused time to get it done. I ended up not working, so now the sword is hanging over me right now. And I'm here, so the sword will likely still be there tomorrow, etc. Ha! Don't give me too much credit. We only do bits and pieces of all those things, and not every day :D Actually, not even most weeks! I like your day off idea. I'll have to think more about that one. He thinks I need to do what is best for me. He totally supports me either way. However, he has the luxury of downtime. He gets home from work and the girls go to bed, and then he sits and watches TV, and complains when I stay up later than he does (every night). For me, when the kids go to bed, I'm cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys and clothes, and starting my paid work. I get that he needs downtime, and he deserves it, but so do I. He says I should take it, and he's right, but, um, who's going to do all the rest of the stuff? Yeah, it's an issue. :D And he doesn't want to sell our house to downsize (which actually wouldn't benefit us much now anyway, given the COL in central NJ), and he's working his tail off to bring in the commissions that will mean covering our bills, so it's not like I can complain that he's at the office 7 days a week. When I tell him that I need him to work as hard as I do at helping me care for our children and our house, he says I work too hard, and he simply doesn't want to live a life where he's stressed all the time. *insert big, annoyed bugeyed smiley here* This hits a nerve, because you're so right. I know my DD5 is strongly affected by what's going on with me, and that's the biggest factor in favor of school. More than my sanity, more than my lack of sleep, more than my need for downtime. And you know, I gave that same advice to j.griff earlier today. Why can't I take it myself? I'm so sorry you're in a nearby boat, but thank you for your words. It does help to know I'm not alone in the internal struggle!

Wait!!! Don't take it back yet. Try this: Let it run out ALL the way--like, leave it on for several days, or however long it takes to run it out completely. Then power it up for at least 24 hours. I think you're probably not supposed to your computer during this time, but I can't remember for sure. Probably better to be safe than sorry. That should do the trick. Of course, you may actually have a defective battery, but I remember this happening the first time I had to replace an iBook battery, and that's what I was told to do, and it worked. HTH!

And thank you all for being my therapists yet again. It's hard to seek advice from people who haven't been where you are and who don't have the same priorities. I value the opinions on this board very much.

That Ree, she's nothing but bad news, I tell ya. I actually had a dream about her cinnamon bun recipe a few nights ago. She's all kinds of trouble.

And can I just say that, as ridiculous as it sounds, as soon as I was done typing all that out, a little voice in my head said to me, "Ugh, you complain too much. Forget sending them to school. If you could just get up earlier/be more organized/take a deep breath/get more sleep/quit trying to read for yourself, you could do it." I think it might be my dad's voice in disguise, actually! He's the "never say die" guy. Why is it so hard to admit when we can't do it all?

Well, I guess that's the question, right? Does it make sense in any way to choose to maintain a situation that is throwing me off balance, for the sake of my children? I believe that I could avoid spiraling further out of control if I could devote more time to self-care--better diet, exercise, time for myself, time with my husband, some much-needed sleep. With things the way they are now, I can't do that, and I'm paying the price physically. So are the people around me, who are suffering because I'm angry and starting to be anxious all the time (the anxiety part is what's making me very worried, because a dr. once predicted I would trouble with anxiety issues because I take too much on--ha!) I guess I'm sort of thinking I could force the issue and let the meds quiet my brain, OR I could do the actual work myself, but that would mean school, which I don't feel is the ideal choice for the girls. Does that make anymore sense? It probably sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Like the answer is staring me in the face? But I so badly want to HS them. I'm looking for a "magic" answer, I guess. I know there isn't one :( I keep hoping I'll stumble upon something.

Well, the thing is, I do Want to HS. I believe in it wholeheartedly. What I don't Want to do is work. I haven't wanted to work for five years now, but with the way DH's employment history has been, I thank God that we've had my job to carry us through. And even now, he appears to be doing better, but, well, he's a realtor, so I probably don't need to say much more about how stable I can expect us to be without my salary :rolleyes: With our income and the COL around here, I can't afford much help. There's no way we could ever afford a nanny to cover all of my working hours--it would literally cost as much as I make. That means that with two kids, a DH who's working in some capacity seven days a week (guess who's in the office from 2-10 today, on his day off?), caring for all the household stuff, and working, there's literally no time to myself. And I can't deny that it's wearing on me anymore. I've been running on adrenaline and caffeine for a long time now, and I'm starting to see ways that that's taking it's toll (scary, small ways, like my persistent anger level, and the fact that I'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, which is what happens when my stress level gets out of control). I keep trying different methods of organization, different "schedules," letting different things slide. I keep telling myself, "If I can just BE MORE ORGANIZED..." but the harsh reality is that I can't seem to do it. That is so, so very hard to admit "out loud," because I'm pretty good at not letting go until the square peg is shoved into the round hole somehow. I can't give the kids away, I can't afford a housekeeper or a nanny, I can't quit my job, I can't change my very nature of needing some time to myself (though, God help me, I've tried!). The only thing I can see is that if I put the kids in K and "preschool," I can get my work done during the day and have an actual life with the kids and DH at night and on the weekends, where I don't have a laptop on my lap at all times, where I have some time to exercise and care for my health, and read books in more than just frantic 10 minute spurts while I hide in the bathroom waiting for someone to call for me. The kids would be happy either way, once they got past the shock of having to get up early every day, heh! They're both very social, and with being tethered to the house for work, I haven't really been able to provide much of that for them (more guilt). But I do think they would thrive on HSing, if I could do it the "right" way (as in, it doesn't come as an afterthought to my paid work). And Heather, I totally hear you, but honestly, we're barely "schooling" these days. Technically, we've 3 of the last 4 months "off" and I'm still losing it. And my DD5 is begging for school! She loves it! She loves learning from me. Argh! I feel like if I take care of me, I'm failing them. If I do what's best for them, I'm failing me. DH benefits if the kids go to school (he's not too happy with me himself these days, but is VERY supportive of HSing). But again, I feel like they should be my first priority. I am conflicted to the point of paralysis over this. I really am. And now I'm whining again here! The problem is, I know if I go back to my therapist, she'll immediately tell me to stop HSing. But that's not necessarily what I need to hear. It might be, but HSing is so out of common, I need some input from the people to whom it is a true priority.

Without going into too much detail, if you came to the conclusion that a lifestyle that included homeschooling meant you thought you might end up on antidepressants (or other meds), would you continue HSing? I'll provide more detail if necessary (I just feel like I've been whining a lot around here lately :o), but the crux of the issue is the above question. WDYT?

When do you start seeing your therapist? Seriously, is it possible for you now to just put it out of your head for a little while? Just do a Scarlett O'Hara and tell yourself you'll think about it tomorrow, and get up and moving doing something that feels good? Turn on the TV if you have to? I think therapy will do a lot for you, but in the meantime, are you able to just stay out of your own head for a bit?

Uugghhh! I wish I was there to give you a hug right now. This post almost made me start crying for you. I'm so sorry!!!! Hey, have you talked to your dad about this at all? Is he able to run any kind of interference, or will she listen to him at all as a "third party"? Just grasping at straws here... :(

Oh gosh, I do see more now. In that case, I think Jean's advice is right on. It doesn't sound like she's going to learn, so you need to put up your fences. I'm so sorry. I can't believe she's called three times since you've posted. :(

That's a good point. I just wonder if not answering the phone is simply avoiding the issue. She doesn't sound like the type to just let it drop. I don't know--mainly I'm thinking of my own mom. She tried ignoring the calls over and over, but each time would let herself slip out of it, and kept ending up in the same cycle. It wasn't until this last time, when she really gave it all to my grandmother, instead of keeping it all bottled up, that she herself was able to make a change. Unfortunately, she'd kept it bottled up so long that it turned into a blow-up. Right away, my grandmother went back to some of her old tricks, but my mom was finally galvanized enough to stick to her guns. It took a long time for my mom to understand enough about herself to see why she was allowing it all to happen, and why SHE was the one feeling guilt and avoiding the confrontation. She kept saying, "How can I tell my own mother no???" But when she finally did actually lay it all out on the line, she was freed from it in her own mind. Then again, this is all just me speaking as a third party having watched someone else go through it (though I've been privy to almost all of what went on). I really do think you need to get yourself to a therapist, someone who has actual training in dealing with these dynamics. I hope you can come to place of freedom from it, and soon!

Ditto and ditto :D Don't you just love that template graphic? I wish I could find that place in real life!

I think it's an OK short-term solution, but eventually she's going to nail you on it, and by then she'll be even more worked up and no one will be able to stay calm. I think it's probably better to be upfront with her about it, even if it's just to say, "Listen, I'm getting a gazillion calls a day from friends, telemarketers, political campaigns, you, DH--we just had to stop answering the phone so much. I've been checking messages once or twice a day and returning calls when I have the time, so don't be surprised if I can't talk as much until things slow down." And then just leave it at that if you have to. Would that work?

I don't know, that just doesn't bother me much. I guess I'm not much of a germophobe? I mean, you could pretty much make that argument about anything in restaurants, or anywhere that you'd see food prep. My favorite is whenever I get deli meat (rare these days), the preparers wear the same gloves the whole time for everything they do, like the gloves are actually to protect their hands from the food, not the food from, you know, EVERYTHING ELSE :rolleyes: I think it's just a chance you take when you eat out. I think I lived in Manhattan too long to be fazed by lemons, LOL!

Jenn, I couldn't read and not send you some ((())). My mom deals with some of that from my grandmother (who is sneaky and manipulative, and thinks of her children as her slaves), and has recently set boundaries of her own. Unfortunately, it took her so long to recognize what was happening that she's incredibly resentful of my grandmother now, and she almost can't stand to be around her. You're smart to define these issues now and prepare yourself to deal with them. It seems harsh to you, I know, but doing it now may save your relationship with your mother in the long term. Also, you said it yourself--she's like a child. You need to treat her as you would a child. Kindly, but firmly, and hold your ground. You can't protect anyone unless you protect yourself, and I've seen from experience what a twisted and awful relationship with your mom can do to your whole life. Don't feel any guilt. She's an adult, and she will adjust. Put on your own air mask, and then help her with hers, if you can. KWIM?

Well, I have no advice for you, because I'm in the exact same spot. I only have two kids, but I work from home 30 hours a week, so that takes up any extra time I might have (like, say, right now, when I should be working?). The wise mamas here keep telling me it will get easier as the years, and I'm clinging to that for my life, LOL! You're not alone, though, if that makes you feel any better ;)

Me too! LOL!

Why can't he use the new computer and you keep using the old one? I think that would solve several of your problems, no?

Also, drinking tons of water probably contributes to your lips being wet-dry-wet-dry-wet-dry all day, which dries them out. I like Burt's Bees lip balm myself. Smells yummy, no petroleum. I've given up trying to live without!

Oooh, thank you! We are still using the measly little card the camera came with (haven't managed to get the new one yet). I bet that will help. And come to think of it, I changed the batteries right after I did some experimenting to see if I could get rid of the lag, and then didn't try after that. I'm not sure if I have a Sports mode, but I have Kids and Pets, which I would guess is roughly the same. Hopefully your suggestions will net me at least a little more time!

I am SO right there with you. Every day I tell myself I'm going to bed early and getting up early the next day. Then the night comes and I'm like, "I'm so close to finishing this work!!! I'll just stay up and finish it so I can submit to the analyst in the morning..." Next thing you know it's 3 a.m. and I've fallen asleep on the couch trying to finish, only to move to the bed later and sleep until 9. By then the kids are up and crazy, I never got to shower, we're all off-kilter, and the day has gotten off on the wrong foot AGAIN. You would think that, if we KNOW the solution, we could make it work, but I just cannot seem to get up early even when I have gone to bed on time. I can tell you from experience though, that the few times I've managed to do it, our days have gone incredibly well. Like you, I just don't know why I can't seem to conquer the getting up early problem. It doesn't help that my DH can't be trusted to actually rouse me before he leaves for work, and the alarm clock is on his side of the bed :rolleyes: *sigh* Anyway, you're not alone. If you figure out the secret, will you let me know?

Huh, I've been thinking the same thing. I always tended toward extra weight, but since I've been sleeping so very poorly since September, I've put on a little over 10 pounds. I can see a marked difference in my appetite on days following the nights when I've gotten 7-8 hours of sleep (rare, but it occasionally happens!). I don't think you're way off base there.

Gah! What a bummer. Well, fortunately my two girls are very hammy, so they'll probably hold still long enough for me to get most pictures :p Nancypants, I did a little research after reading the responses here and have read this same thing. Also, it turns out that my camera actually has one of the shorter delay times. It's funny, our 6-year-old, 2.1MP Kodak had none of these problems, and still takes good pictures. Maybe we should have saved our money! Alright, I'll have to adjust, I suppose. Thank you everyone, I'll try the half-press method and see if I can learn how to time it right.

Make the camera record the shot I want it to take at the second I want to take it, not three seconds later when the subject has already scampered off. I'm getting so very frustrated. This was a problem mentioned in one of the reviews I read when I was researching, but none of the cameras I was looking at was "perfect," so I made the best choice I could. Am I doing something wrong here? Is there a trick I don't know about? TIA!