Arctic Mama, thank you for this. I really cannot thank you enough. I'm going to come back and read your response again this weekend. My biggest prayer is that they eventually do get married and the kids can call her Grams or something. :) It has been the weirdest relationship between the two of them. My FIL has come to visit us about 5 - 6 times in the last 10 years. He has never has brought her here, and he never mentions her to us. She will sometimes sign a Christmas card, or we'll see her in the background on Skpe, but that has been her only existence. He doesn't even call her his wife (I do when talking about her with other family members), but he refers to her as his "Partner." It would be really nice to have her as an official part of his life. Maybe FIL bringing her to visit this time around is a way for her to be in the picture officially? I don't know. It's all really weird. Anyway, I have some verses I'm reading before they come and I will be praying for a peaceful visit. I really do want this to go smoothly. ...and I will do some clarification to my OP in another post. I just wanted to thank Arctic Mama for her compassionate post...

She is common law because they have been living together for over 10 years now. They never married after his divorce from my MIL. I was the one who found out about their affair very soon after DH and I were married. And, yes, it was I who broke the news to the family. (That was a little on the traumatic side, especially for an idealistic new bride.) It has been over 10 years, and everyone else in the family has met her except for me and for my children. (DH and I live across the country and haven't visited our family since having children. The grandparents come visit us.) I thought I was over everything that happened, but now that she is coming to my home, I don't know what to think anymore. I just don't have a very high opinion of her since she was "The Other Woman", and I feel bad about this. I keep saying to myself that I am a fallen creature as much as she is, but man, it's been really hard these last couple of days for me not to judge. Their affair really hit me hard. Anyway, I would love some words of wisdom, Bible passages, whatever you've got, on forgiveness and compassion. He's her wife now. The past is in the past. I think this would be easier if I had a good relationship with my FIL. But since I was the one who messed up his game...well, you know...I'm not his favorite person in the world. :cool: Thanks.

This sounds like it is from How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453346008&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people I really enjoyed this book. It will be required reading for my kiddos when they are older.

AMEN to this!!!

Well, I can tell you what our 2.5 years of riding was like. DH and I didn't know anything about horses. We just wanted to find a safe place for DS to ride. DS started lessons at a hunter/jumper barn at 6.5. We were told to go the more difficult route (English saddle) because it was easier to go from English to Western if he ever wanted to change. (Not sure if this is true or not as I am not a horse person. We just took advice from horse people we met.) We went to a nice, child friendly barn that was known for their safe horses and ponies. We started at 1 lesson/wk at $55.00 a lesson. When he turned 7, we went to 2 lessons a week. Soon after, we went to 2 privates a week and 1 group lesson, $65.00 for each private lesson (so, $130.00/wk for privates) and $50.00 for a group lesson. Then we added a half lease for a step up from a school pony, $500.00/month. Then, we stepped it up to a much nicer pony before we started showing, $650.00 per month. By the time we were done, we were spending $850 - $950 per month on horses. COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS FOR MY 9 YEAR OLD CHILD. (ETA: Other people may be able to afford to train at this level. We still needed to build DS's college fund, not pay for his horse hobby.) But guess what? We had taken the cheaper route by doing a lease. Everyone else was buying $30K ponies and boarding them. We had also decided to do just 1-2 horse shows a year, not 1-2 every month (like everyone else was doing). You don't want to know how much horse shows cost. Really, we were at the wrong place. We didn't come from Texas oil with an unlimited income. We could have bought a horse and gone the 4-H route, which is supposedly wonderful in our area, but kids have to be at least 9 to ride or show in 4-H, and, DH and I did not have the time or energy to care for a horse. We also wanted "to do it well, at a good training facility with good instructors and well-trained horses." Just wanted you to know what that looks like in a high COL, or, Cost of Keeping Horses area. :( Ds doesn't ride anymore. He takes tennis now and he really likes it. He says he misses horses, but we told him that if he goes back, it's only 1x week on school horses and no shows. We know that won't be enough for him, though. He's making friends at tennis right now, so I think he will stick with that for a while. I found that I grew attached to our leased pony, and leaving the barn was really, really hard. Ds's teacher was beyond wonderful...I cried like a baby when we left. Just know what you are getting into, and know that horses are like a bad drug for some kids. If your dd is horse crazy right now, just know that it's going to get more and more and more expensive. And, it is unbelievably time consuming (another reason we quit.) I'm sure you can find some sort of middle ground. We were on a downhill super-speed roller coaster...don't do what we did!

LOL! My son, definitely the academic, wants to be a cardiologist!!! :laugh: He is a brilliant child and I have no doubt that he will be a cardiologist one day. I praise his academic abilities, as does the rest of our extended family (they send him dictionaries for his birthday, and he loves them!!). But, unlike his sister, the talent + hard work isn't as evident to the public. I think he wants to excel at something where he gets a little attention, too. I also think another drive for his desire to excel at his instrument is because his sister is about to enter her first competition and he knows she will get paid "big bucks" if she wins. :lol: I think my solution will be to get my son in some more academic groups, perhaps a math circle or something, when he hits middle school. He will still learn to play cello well and learn a good work ethic from it...from tennis lessons, too. I will make sure, however, that he shines in his own talent. Both dd7 and ds9 play duets, and my dd5 just started violin (will switch to viola at 6) and he plays with them as well. Playing together puts them on the same level and it becomes a team effort. Everyone is praised when the team does well. I was always of the mindset that if you work hard the sky is the limit for you. As my children grow, I think my thoughts have changed. I now see we are all born with our own unique talents. Our job as parents is to help our children cultivate those unique talents and support them in any way possible. My daughter is 7 and is working on a Mozart Concerto, a Bach Sonata and Saint Saens Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso (this piece is insanely difficult). My ds9, working equally as hard, is breaking a sweat over Hunter's Chorus and Witches Dance in Suzuki Book 2. They both work equally hard, both with excellent teachers. I don't know what else to attribute the differences in ability to other than a natural born talent. (Don't let my ds play dd a game of chess, though. He'll checkmate her in 5 moves!!)

I have a question for parents of children with innate talent and their siblings with average ability (for lack of better words...I hate using these terms). The reality has come to me that my dd7 has a natural talent, meaning, music comes very easy for her...nothing has been too difficult for her to learn. My ds9, however, loves playing cello, but he just cannot hear himself sometimes, and it's a lot more work for him. I'm worried that he is going to start living in his sister's shadow, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know he is a different child, and I should have different expectations for him. He wants to be good at cello, and he tries very, very hard. His sister, however, is having a much easier time even with more difficult music. I'm not sure how to deal with the comments directed at his sister, but not at him. Comments like, "When are you (dd) going to audition for the Conservatory?" Or, "You play so well! Will you come perform at a benefit concert for our charity?" My son doesn't get asked. My son is still a beginner, so he has some time to grow as a musician. But, how do you deal with the exceptional child and the average sibling? I really don't foresee this changing in the future. I know he will play the cello well one day. I praise his hard work, but he is starting to realize that he is isn't the musician like his sister. Thoughts?

OK, I won't let my kids quit piano now, 4blessingmom. Thank you for the reminder about the importance of piano skills. I wholeheartedly agree! :) I was really good at piano...so good that I received a scholarship to a very nice college for music. My parents never asked me to practice (they were always in the other room watching TV) and I would always learn my music very quickly before my piano lesson. I think I was just naturally talented and had a very good ear for music. When I went to college, however, I realized how ill prepared I was for higher level music. I really struggled and had serious self esteem issues from my lack of preparation. Performing in public was always a nightmare. I really, really resented my parents' hands off style of parenting once I got to college. I wish they had been a little more involved and supportive of my talent. I still feel like I could have been a much better musician had I been pushed a little more when I was growing up. By best friend from K-12 also had very hands off parents, and she is still resentful that she wasn't held more accountable for her academics. Our neighbor's kids were children of immigrants, and their parents pushed them really hard to excel. They had high SAT/ACT scores, stellar transcripts and resumes, and from there, their top picks in schools. They are all doctors and engineers now. We both joke that "We could have been somebody" had our parents gave us a curfew and asked to see our report cards. :) I try to balance hands off vs. pushing by identifying the child's talent and supporting that talent in every way possible with the best teachers, best instruments, etc. My son is definitely the academic, and my daughter is quite the violinist. DS also plays cello and piano, and they all go to tennis lessons several times a week. They take art class for fun, and have plenty of playdates and field trips. What I care most is that they have a work ethic, and are willing to put in some sweat for whatever they do in life. I think the combination of talent and hard work is when a child will excel and enjoy their skill. That takes some effort from both the parent and the child.

Even on a Paleo diet, I would be cautious of a high omega-6 ratio causing inflammation (acne).

My athletic children eat paleo + carbs. They get either sweet potatoes, yams (different varieties), red potatoes, russet potatoes, squash (butternut, acorn, etc.), or white rice at every meal with 2 tons of butter or another fat of their choosing (coconut oil, olive oil, avocados, nuts, etc.). They are full, happy and are never lacking energy in their sports. HTH!

Solfege is a requirement here. It helps with learning an instrument and with theory. And, it's always nice when the kids can harmonize like the Von Trapp family. Makes for great Christmas caroling. :) Homebirths and sex ed...my ds got a tutorial on placentas after my 2nd homebirth. My midwives are awesome. Cranky cows...mine are screaming at me right now. Can I be added to the adoption list? :)

I wish I could go to your homeschool!! This is awesome! :)

Why chess? (Curious...my ds takes chess lessons from a Grand Master as per DH's request. He can't really tell me why, but he wants him to study chess. Would love another perspective.)

OK, I will finish reading it. I'll just think of transition in childbirth and keep saying to myself, "I'll make it through...I'll make it through." Will someone send me a baby to hold and cuddle after I'm done? Now, who said they couldn't finish Pilgrim's Progress?? Isn't that the next one after DQ? I'm a little concerned...

Ugh, that's a tough one...one I am definitely not looking forward to with my own children. I think getting into a rut happens to all musicians, though, and taking some time off may be beneficial. Another thought...is your teacher opposed to playing duets with other students, or finding string players to play trios? Maybe she can team up with another student in the studio to play some duets. Playing with other kids is always motivating. And of course, teacher assigns the duets. Another thought...could she play at a nursing home 1x a month? Maybe other kids in the studio could join? That way she has a performance (low stress) to prepare for. The nursing home people love children, so her music could be a real blessing to them. After the performance, go out for ice cream with the friends. Sometimes you need a little motivation to get through Scarlatti. :) Those Bach 2 and 3 part inventions, too...boy, those just aren't fun sometimes. Good luck to your dd!

Thank you, Quill. My friend and I both were pregnant a few months after her son's passing. She and I both have 2 year olds, and her little one swims in their pool all of the time. I think she has had time to make peace with the pool and I have not. I need to do so so I can move forward like she has been able to do. I do think that it is a herculean feat for her to watch my dd grow up. Her son that passed away and my dd were both play mates. It's hard all around. I am just trying to figure out my part and how to be a good friend to her. I really appreciate your perspective. It's helping me think through these things.

I'm ashamed to say, I, too, am still reading DQ. It's been years. I read a little, I get tired of his antics, I take a break from the book...for 6 months. It's been a vicious cycle. I feel like I'm in one of his fantasies and I cannot escape. It's scary. I don't like this book. Someone please tell me it will get better. (I'm 2/3 of the way through.)

Hi Everyone, I have received a wealth of good advice from your replies and I cannot thank you enough for your advice. I can imagine how especially difficult my thread was for those of you who have lost children. To you, I am deeply grateful for your words. I apologize for any pain my thread has caused. I think that I haven't had a chance to visit my friend's pool and come to terms with what happened there. (Jean in Newcastle, I never thought of that before.) I think the fear of visiting the pool again, along with the pressure to hold it together since other people (including my children) would be there, and bringing my two little ones in the pool (they remind me of my friend's child), has been too much for me to bear. I think the first step is to visit my friend's pool without my family or any other friends around. So the plan for now is to: - Visit a grief counselor. - Avoid the pool for the rest of the summer without bringing in details with my friend. I think this would be best for her. - Sometime this fall, have a conversation with my friend. I will be honest with her and let her know that I haven't taken the time to grieve her son's death. I will tell her that I want to swim again, and I am making a goal to swim next summer. (I'm thinking of Farrar's post and how your words were honest and not judgmental.) - Last, I'm keeping in mind something a friend IRL said to me about my friend's pool: It isn't the same water. He did not drown in the water I'm swimming in. I know that's minor, but it's something I can hold on to and something to keep my anxiety in check. Again, thanks to everyone for your honesty and guidance. I know I will move forward and will be a better friend to my friend for doing so. If you are they praying type, please pray for peace and healing in this situation.

Maybe I need to clarify a bit... Would swimming in my friend's pool help her create more positive memories? Would NOT swimming in the pool, and telling her why, be a cause of pain for her? I know she is grieving much better than I am. I don't want to create more bad memories for her, does that make sense? Do I need to swim in the pool for her benefit? And, if so, how do I suck it up and jump in? Or, do I not think about how she will react because she doesn't need my help with moving on? Thanks for the reply, Rosie. I will have to try to separate the emotions from the emotion...definitely not a step I have been trying to do.

I appreciate everyone's advice (even those of you who think I am selfish...I appreciate your perspective.) My family still has playdates with my friend and her other kids. We go to their home for birthdays, playdates, bbq's, etc. all of the time, so we are in the backyard and that is not an issue for me. She comes to my home quite a bit, too. We just saw each other this week. We talk about her son and the memories we have of him. I just avoid any invitations to swim. My friend and I are going on a mom's retreat together in a couple of weeks. It's supposed to be a fun event for both of us with spa treatments and fancy dinners. I am trying to decide if I should talk with her about this before our retreat, afterwards or at the retreat. Probably not at the retreat... I hate that it is viewed as selfish to lie to her about not wanting to swim. I genuinely do not want to hurt her, and I know the issue is me. I need to move on. I just cannot figure out how to get into the pool. I talk with DH about it all of the time. He doesn't want to go swimming, either, and this man is not the emotional type. We were both at their home after the accident. We both saw their son after he had passed. We had to make the phone calls to our other friends and neighbors to tell them what happened. It was horrible. Maybe I do have some sort of PTSD from this. I guess I need to figure out how to deal with it so I can eventually go swimming over there.

Quill, I am very sorry for you loss. After saying we are 'inept at navigating grief', do have any recommendations on how to do so? That is exactly what I am asking...how to be sensitive and honest with my friend and how to help her (and myself) move on in this situation when I clearly do not know how to do so myself. Any recommendations? Again, I am sorry for your loss, and am truly sorry if you ever felt judged. I would never blame my friend for the situation that happened. It was an accident that she had no control over.

mom2bee - I have two little ones who would need my help in the pool, so I can't avoid swimming. Thank you for the suggestion, though. Tibbie - I'm sorry about the trigger. I updated the title, and thank you for the suggestion. You are right, my friend is trying to re-establish her backyard as a place of joy. It would be terrible for me to interfere with that, so perhaps I should just keep making excuses. I am praying that I will feel differently next summer... I want to ask her (but will not) how she was able to swim again. I want to be OK swimming, but I know I will cry once I step in the pool.

Three years ago, my dear friend's 3 year old son drowned in their backyard pool. I came to their home after the incident and every day for the next week and a half to help with meals, funeral plans, etc. We had a memorial service for him at our home a year later. I am still not over what happened that day, and still cry when I pass the hospital where he was pronounced dead. I still have horrible memories from the funeral. I still have her son's bubbles in my kitchen cabinet. I have not moved passed this loss, and I don't know how to move on. All summer, she has invited our family over for a swim day. I have had an excuse every time. I need to tell her the truth, but I just can't bring myself to talk with her about it. I know she wants us all to move on, but it's too hard for me. I know it will help her with her own healing. I don't know how to do it. I can come to her house, but I just cannot swim in that pool. OK. Please give me some advice on how to move on or how to proceed. Going to dry my face now because I am crying.

Another thing...the skills your dd is learning now will really prepare her for the difficult pieces in Book 4. It sounds like her teacher is trying to prepare her for the hard work that is to come. If she is good about practicing the scales, etudes, etc., she will have an easy time and will really enjoy those pieces! :)

Kudos to your daughter for her hard work! It sounds like her teacher is assigning her a lot because she is advancing well and can handle it. Does she seem more advanced in one instrument over the other (violin vs. piano)? If she likes one more than the other, one will have to take a back seat and get practiced less. It sounds like she needs two practice sessions. 45 minutes in the a.m. for the primary instrument, 45 minutes in the evening for the primary instrument and secondary instrument. And I would divide that up into 30 minutes primary, 15 secondary. My dd is 7 and is doing two practices a day, usually 45 - 1 in the morning and 45 minutes in the evening. She has so much to cover, it isn't hard for her at all. My other 2 children (4.5 and 9) are both beginners on their instruments and practice 10 - 20 minutes a day. Once you move up to the intermediate stage, the amount of practice dramatically increases. Your dd is progressing very quickly (1.5 years to get to book 3 Suzuki) and your teacher is asking more of her. If she isn't complaining, then try for the two practice sessions so she can get everything in. Good luck to you all!! Edited to add: I am making the assumption that violin will be her primary instrument. If that is not the case, then, yes, I would talk with the teacher and let him know that she is more invested in piano at this time. Maybe ask him to slow her down a bit so she can still play her pieces well, but not have to carry such a heavy load?