Where to go from here?

[Zinnia]

My 9 year old is dyslexic. He is in the 3rd grade. Public school for K, then home for 1-now 3rd. In theory, he likes homeschool (says that he does, enjoys outside classes, likes the freedom).

 

He has become increasingly belligerent and uncooperative to me. In the last month, it has extended to my husband, as well, but before that, only me and only around the issue of school.

 

We started Barton with him August of 16, after I became pretty convinced of the dyslexia. We got the official diagnosis last spring (so 2017). He finished level 2 of Barton in September, and we moved to level 3. He has found it difficult (as all Barton), but he has put his foot down and rarely cooperates. For the last 2.5 months. He will refuse, then if I push it, he will do whatever it takes to get out of school. He prefers tantrumming at this point. Yelling and screaming, throwing things, and utterly, completely refusing to do any bookwork. It takes over the house when he does this, demanding attention. I also have a 1st grader and preKer at home.

 

At first, he just refused Barton, but in the last month, it is everything (and it's very simple--Barton, math, and handwriting, plus homework for a Bible study we are in). We do FIAR as a spine. He will sometimes sit with us as I read the book, sometimes not. Sometimes do the FIAR project/discussion, sometimes not.

 

I have punished and rewarded, talked and talked, lectured, and we are working through the Huebner book, What to Do when you Grumble Too much, based on CBT ideas. It is helping more than anything else has.

 

The refusing to do school work is starting to concern me, though. We can not afford the private dyslexia schools in my city. My school system is average with dyslexia--our local school will likely test and "wait and see" even with a dx, even with me pushing. To afford 2 hours of tutoring a week, I will need to go back to work, which will put my 1st grader (also dyslexic) and preKer into school. Our best, realistic options are homeschool or public school with me tutoring i n the afternoon.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how long to wait out a kid that just refuses to do schoolwork. Anyone have a kid like this? Did they go back to school? Wrap their head around homeschool?

Edited November 27, 2017 by Zinnia

[eternalsummer]

I have a kid who does not like what he considers schoolwork (and he would consider Barton schoolwork).  What I do is twofold: the first is that everything possible is stealth schoolwork - he doesn't know he's doing it.  He's in 4th, so this works well with things like TOPScience, free reading (he likes to read, so I just buy books I want him to read), writing (I left it mostly alone for a long time and strewed things like nature journals, which he has made into Outdoor Mission Planning Guides), online games, etc.

 

The things that I haven't been able to successfully convince him are not schoolwork mostly consist of math - he'll do Prodigy willingly, and fact practice games online, but a sort of organized plan of math involving a workbook and daily lessons just screams SCHOOL to him and he hates it.

 

He's tried all kinds of avoidance - sickness, tantrums, destructiveness, loudness, absolute refusal, tears, recrimination, violence, etc.  I just wait it out.  The math is there waiting for him when he's ready to do it; until he does it all other fun things are suspended - no going outside, no computer, no reading the new Eragon book we just got in the mail yesterday, etc.  We don't own a tv or other small electronic devices.  I used to give in on occasion because I felt bad for him as he clearly really hated doing it - but then we had more kids, the business got busier, I just didn't have time anymore for the negotiations and tantrums and etc.  So I quit giving in, and now I get a math-related tantrum about once every month.  

 

That doesn't work for all kids, though.

 

Is it possible he finds it too hard?  I do have to be careful to make sure DS isn't frustrated by a new concept; any sort of non-understanding-at-first-glance makes him uncomfortable.  We've worked through it a bit, largely using Beast Academy as I can tell him many of the problems are meant to be difficult to understand at first glance, so he has developed a bit more perseverance, but it is still pretty rudimentary.

[Terabith]

I don't have a good answer.  I sent my kids to school when they started refusing to work with me/ fighting me more than was reasonable.  I do send my dyslexic to tutoring once a week. She should go more often, but that's all we can afford, and she won't work with me.  At all. 

 

I just wanted to say that now I have the song "Where Do We Go from Here" from the Buffy the Vampire musical in my head now.  I can't link it on youtube for some reason. 

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. When we were still homeschooling, compliance was a daily struggle with all of my kids, and with one in particular. We did end up enrolling the kids in school (private, not public in our case), because I felt that the children's ability to learn from me had stalled, because so much of every day was derailed by the problems. And I was so worn out, that I had less ability to teach well.

 

I also understand the trepidation about enrolling, because of uncertainty that the school will not do enough to help. I've been there. I felt helpless, because homeschooling was not going well, but I worried brick and mortar school would be worse.

 

In our case, school has turned out to be a good option, but we did transfer DD12 to the dyslexia school after the first year. My other child with an IEP has received more help than we expected at the first school that we selected, so his needs are being met in a better way that I anticipated (though not without bumps in the road).

 

What if you submitted a request now for the public school to run evaluations on your son while you are still homeschooling? That way you will be able to see what kind of help their testing will qualify him for, and you won't have to guess. If they don't offer what you think is sufficient, don't enroll. If they offer more than you expect, think about giving school a try, with an IEP in place this time.

 

Also, talk to the dyslexia school. Ours offers financial aid.

[PeterPan]

Well behavior is communication so first I'm going to assume that the young child (because 9 is young) wants to comply but that your presentation is not cutting it. He may need more modalities, to back up, something. He may have language or attention or vision issues. Assume there's a LOT you can improve on your end and ask for help.

 

On his end I would use only carrots, no sticks. Focus on pairing and getting one hour a day together that works with no Barton. Does he like FIAR? Not does he tolerate it but does he LOVE it and find it motivating? If not use something else for pairing. He might like strategy games or chess or wii. Do those for an hour and call it school. Do that till Christmas. Then with your relationship rebuilt start making small demands like hey can we do these weird rapid naming pages I found before our hour of chess, help me out, kwim?

 

You've got to rebuild communication so you can figure out what's wrong. Probably things got hard really fast. Might need fluency work or more working memory or more modalities.

Edited November 28, 2017 by PeterPan

[exercise_guru]

My son was at a SLP the other day and they were doing some very hard things. There is one element that makes my son want to crawl under the desk (Dichotic listening) The therapist switched gears and ask " Is there anything you would like to do that I have?" He told her  "There really isn't anything here that I want to do" The reason is that everything in that therapy session is targeting something my son needs remediation with. Its like having a bruise tapped for an hour. So she switched to a game that he was good at. Far more interactive etc. Within minutes he was out of his shell and cooperating. He was far more motivated because something wasn't being taught AT him. He was involved in a cooperative game. I saw him "buy in" when that happened.  I figured out my son has to have some say about things he is learning. I often present two false choices of activities he can do. Often he will engage. I also have decided I need to have a better reward system to facilitate this Dichotic Listening because anything that makes my son that upset is certainly not going to be a skill he wants to acquire.  

 

I have found the unwillingness peaks when my kiddos are trying to exert control over their own lives. I try to find areas they can do this with school and then there are areas that I need more cooperation. Also if my attitude is stressed even if it has nothing to do with them then they pick up on it and I pay for it.  I try to balance hard things with easier things and I have a timer of what we need to do so we can stop. I don't let my son run out the clock but he knows when we will finish if he gets going with things. 

 

I do not know anything about Barton or Dyslexia. I did teach my son to read and now in hindsight he may have had some of those elements because it was tough. The more grinding it is the less you are going to get a child to do. The only two tricks I have tried are to spend a ton of energy and make the presentation interactive and fun and second KEEP IT SHORT AND TO THE POINT. Have a goal going in and get to that point and get out. Sometimes you have to break the skills into microskills and then break them down into micro micro skills to get though a unit. Often this is because you have reached a bruise and the lesson is tapping on it. 

 

If this is your oldest child or just a defiant child I am not sure what to do because my daughter told me I am the worst teacher in the world and would learn nothing from me. Now she is in school and gets 150% on everything in every subject. I tried to get her to learn to touch type at home and she does it so poorly I want to pull out my hair. Even with 6 years of piano. That is her being defiant. I think she takes some pleasure in acting out that way when I teach her something. I have to be careful or she can send my spiraling with some of her unwillingness.