Socially mature or immature? Help me out pls?

[saw]

I had a discussion with ds's teacher today about various things going wrong in school. She pointed out that she thinks he's socially awkward and implied that he is immature, and that this makes it hard for him to be part of the group and make friends. I've heard these comments before, about his older sisters when they were in first through third grade. I never quite agreed, because what the school and teachers saw as very "young" for their age was what I perceived as mature, and acting older than their age. The girls are now double grade-skipped and socially happy, for the first time.

 

I'm just wondering whether others have had similar experiences. Are behaviours subject to interpretation so that gifted kids who behave in certain ways are going to be described as socially immature, when in reality they're just acting much more maturely than the group of children around them? I'm not trying to say that DS is necessarily mature and that the teacher is wrong (it's more complex than that), but just having heard this all before, only to see that the grade skipping was socially emotionally by far the best thing that could have happened to dds, I'm wondering whether others see this is as well (or maybe I'm just a bit nuts, but you'd be nuts too if you'd had your kids in this school for this long!).

[lighthouseacademy]

My opinion is that it is actually both. A child that is mentally 2 grades ahead, will appear to be immature if they act their biological age emotionally. Furthermore, When a child is so advanced, they want to somehow find a way to fit in to the peer group that they are part of, and thus, they will try to act "younger" than they are. When they are grade skipped, they will rise to the occasion and model the more "mature" behavior of the older children because they are mentally the same age and can converse but know that to fit in, they need to act that age too. Does that make sense?

[Kay in Cal]

I know exactly what you mean. Recently I was talking to my mom about how horrible elementary school was for me. "It was horrible for you?" she asked, shocked. "Umm.. yes. I hated it. Everyone hated me. I had no friends. It was the worst time of my life." "Oh... I guess that's why you homeschool." Yes, mom. The penny's dropped.

 

Now I see it with my children.

 

My ds6 seems very "immature" when in a room full of other six year olds. He doesn't get them, ends up in conflicts because he wants them to play his games, wants to direct their program. We have to work with him constantly because his speech can often turn to bragging, at least we percieve it that way. He thinks he's just being truthful.

 

On the other hand, he can spend the day with a group of mostly adults having conversation and participating in grown-up activities with very little problem. His conversation isn't adult, but he really does converse with a vocabulary and depth that more like the average teen. With some geek-isms mixed in--his speaking pattern is unusually ornate.

 

My ds4 is less accelerated on the whole, but even he always chooses to play with children in the 6 and up age range--look who he hangs out with every day! He won't hang with the pre-schoolers if given a chance.

 

I think the answer is both-and. The acceleration leads to a disconnect in abilities and interests that make relating to young peers challenging. And the LACK of adult maturity and perspective make it difficult to pretend to relate, or condescend with the most positive meaning of the word. I can sit with a bunch of six year olds and play along and have a good time. At the age of six, I would have wondered why I would want to do that? Of course, now I can choose to opt out at any time, and start being myself again. A child in an inappropriate peer class doesn't have that freedom.

 

There's a lot of great perspective about this on the Hoagies site... read the "Cheetah" essay, and check out "A Nation Decieved". Both are critical required reading for the parent of an accelerated child, IMHO.

[Targhee]

What a timely post for me to read. DD is in 1st (one grade advanced) and her teacher has repeatedly said to me how "young" she is - she doesn't participate as much in "group activities" (this is what the teacher calls her having the kids sit at her feet and repeat things in a very rote manner of learning) - and she doesn't interact a lot with the other kids. DD I must admit is a little awkward, socially and emotionally with kids her age, but I wouldn't call it immaturity. It is more a testament of her asynchronous development. Even in first grade she is bored with a lot of the material and so her mind wanders (doesn't participate in "group" activities) into her extensive imagination. She's less interested in Hanna Montana and more interested in "The Hobbit" - which is just fine by me - and doesn't have as much in common with other kids in her class. She prefers to play imaginative games with one or two people at recess (doesn't interact a lot with other kids), and not join in the soccer or tag games although she considers everyone her friend. She also prefers kids 2-4 years older than she is, or even kids a year or two younger (because she can take on the "older sister" role).

 

So, IME, there is incorrect interpretation of gifted kids' behavior. But I don't think it is as black and white as more-mature/less-mature. These kids are wonderfully complex packages that won't always fit in - the square peg may fit in a bigger round hole (advancement) but it still isn't a perfect fit.

[Paula in MS]

My dd6 seems a little young for her age sometimes with other children because she still plays like a child. Her friends want to play barbies and she wants to pretend she's a dragon. She still likes to watch preschool shows like Clifford and Arthur while other kids are watching Hannah Montana. She is not really "immature" at all. She has a large vocabulary and most adults think she is older than she really is. But she really enjoys being a child. And I'm glad.

 

You can't really compare your children to others because many children are growing up way to fast. They may be too mature for their age and your child may be just right. I'm not sure of the age of your child, so this may not even apply.

 

Paula

[Mandy in TN]

Are behaviours subject to interpretation so that gifted kids who behave in certain ways are going to be described as socially immature, when in reality they're just acting much more maturely than the group of children around them?

 

The easy answer:

Yes, I would say that anyone who is behaving differently than the group norm- even if that norm is undesirable- will be viewed as socially awkward/ immature.:D

 

The more difficult/ expanded answer:

Saying that a child is socially immature is relative to the social group with whom the child is interacting. IMHO, it is only important if the group is having a detrimental impact on the child's emotional wellbeing. If this is the case, I would look into moving the child to a different group. If not, then I would just shrug it off.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[In The Great White North]

I would say that anyone who is behaving differently than the group norm- even if that norm is undesirable- will be viewed as socially awkward/ immature.

 

That's probably what the teacher is thinking.

 

However, if you put her in with a group of goth middle-schoolers, I bet she wouldn't act like the group or think that she is the immature one. :D

 

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you. (Unless dc is unhappy, then I'd look for a different group too.)

[Storm Bay]

I don't think that there's one answer for all academically advanced children. Some are called immature just because they're acting differently. But some are developing more quickly intellectually and more slowly socially.

 

With my eldest, sometimes she's thought of as younger when, in fact, she's more mature. However, in some areas she definitely is more immature, due to the fact that most girls her age are physically more developed than her and are already into boys (dd's not there yet.) Also, she is more more sensitive and more easily upset. In our society, that is considered immature. Frankly, I think she is behind the curve in that area, but don't think it's necessarily bad. Some gifted/hg/pg kids are very intense & sensitive. But because she's so intense and sensitive, it's much harder for her to learn to control her emotions. But she's getting there.

 

My kids are considered young because they're not exposed to as many adult things as many of their public schooled peers. They're not watching a lot of television, listening to a lot of popular music, etc. ie, they're not "growing up too soon," as many would say.