Social issues

[rwilk]

DD is finally finding her social groove.  She had been very quiet, and unwilling to play with other children until we started just letting her play with kids of any age.  It's been great for her, and her closest friends are 7-9 year old girls.  

 

The girls seem to enjoy her company, and she can keep up with most things.  Over the year, all the girls have gotten closer, and they've gone from just hanging out at the park to having dance parties, sleepovers....typical stuff.  

 

I'm just worried DD isn't really ready for all this.  As it is, we don't let her sleep over (she JUST turned 4), and unlike the other girls, she can't walk to the park by herself.  We aren't even really willing to leave her unsupervised with the girls, though we do usually hold far enough back to not be hovering. I don't want to be exposed to things too young, but I also don't want to hold her back from the first kids she's ever been really friends with.

 

There's also a natural end point to these friendships----we are moving in about 6 months, so I don't really have to worry about what happens as these girls become teens.  But for now, do I just keep going as things are?  Encourage her to find age-appropriate peers? Anyone deal with this? 

[LTBernard]

I think this is a common issue for ALs. My son is older than your DD but he has always radiated to older children.  He has already experienced a problem with one of his friends not wanting to play one day due to wanting to hang around a group of girls his age (guessing to flirt).  I just tried to explain to DS that friend is several years older than him and is a different phase of life and to not let one bad experience end their friendship.  The next time the 2 saw each other they were fine again. 
I think since you will be moving soon anyway just let things play out.  Maybe when you move still allow her to have any aged friends, but also try to find at least one similar aged friend.  Someone she can get to have her first sleepover with and things like that. 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

My daughter (9) is besties with her big sister who is 19. They hang out together, share interests and chat for hours at a time.

I'm lucky that it's her sister who is her best friend, otherwise I'd also be concerned about her being exposed to things that are not suitable for a 9 yr old. My eldest reads books first and watches movies first etc and then knows if they're suitable to share or talk about. We've got a built in censor. And because she's 19, she's old enough to understand that this is necessary.

 

In general, my youngest endures time with kids her age. Kids her age generally don't 'get' her - her interests, her way of speaking (vocab mainly) and especially her wacky sense of humour.

 

Why does society expect children to immediately bond with others their own age??

[texasmama]

My AL has grown up faster than my other kids.  His peer group is made up of kids about two years older than he is, and it has been this way for quite some time.  He has a brother two years older so they have essentially grown up as twins.  They share a peer group.  It has worked out okay for him.

[rwilk]

Thanks so much for the responses.  It's nice to know it's not just her that prefers these friendships, and that it doesn't always turn out badly. I'm hoping she is able to find a supportive and appropriate group when we move. 

[abba12]

I never liked kids my age, my friends were either at least two years older or two years younger than me, because I could tollerate immaturity from the youngers, and could feel equal with the olders. 

 

Once you move, I might try to aim for her to find 6yos rather than 8yos to spend time with since she is still SO little herself. But for the next 6 months, just let it play out, it'll be a wonderful experience and the girls are likely too young for anything bad. Plus, in my personal experience, the older kids tend to get protective of us little ones who hang out with them. I know even into my young teenage years primarily spending time with older teenagers/young adults i was treated with a sort of protective attitude. As long as they're generally good, kind kids you probably don't have much to worry about right now. 

Edited November 29, 2015 by abba12

[Dmmetler]

My DD is much the same-her friends are often much older or younger. I will say that about age 7-8 it got tough because puberty hit her friends with a vengeance and all of a sudden she found herself rejected by the kids she'd been friends with for years. At this point (just turned 11), DD is passionate that she won't leave her younger friends behind because she was hurt so badly, and her older friends are starting to come back, but we had a rough year or so there (this was when I finally bit the bullet and started applying to GT programs because the only time DD felt "normal" was at math contests, and I was hoping to find an infrastructure of peers to plug her into. According to one of the people I spoke with at that time, 8 is when they get a lot of girls entering the program, for exactly that reason-it's just a really tough social age).

 

So, I'd let it go-but be aware that when puberty hits with girls, it really can be an all or nothing thing, and the kids who were so supportive and close friends with the younger kids can be really cutting and rejecting, seemingly overnight. In 20/20 hindsight, I kind of wish I'd gotten to the "care and keeping of you" type lessons a little earlier and that I'd focused more on the emotional changes and mood swings, so DD wouldn't have been quite so broadsided.

 

I also would agree with holding off on sleepovers, and, when you do start them, host them, even though it's miserable for adults. Girl behavior seems to be at it's worst when they're overtired and some of the nicest girls can flip a switch pretty suddenly. It's really easy for the youngest kid to become the target.

[rwilk]

Thank you for the perspectives!  I do worry about puberty issues, but I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself. Fingers crossed that this particular friend group holds for a few more months, and she hopefully finds slightly closer-in-age peers in our next city.