What does "structure" look like at your house?

[Snow]

Has this been discussed recently? I see folks talking about schedules and this is kind of a spin off of that.

 

For many kids with learning and behavioral challenges, the quick answer seems to be 'provide structure.' Can you describe in detail what structure looks like for you? Do you have a structured day and/or free time, a structured discipline and/or reward system, a structured homeschool? Anything and everything you have the time and inclination to provide would be great.

 

We have a routine I suppose but little is formalized and honestly I think dh and I are too inconsistent.

[PeterPan]

Structure=clear expectations. It means there's a game plan and they know what it is. You can do lots of different kinds of methods, have routines, have rigid schedules, have calendars, don't have calendars, have a clean kitchen, don't have a clean kitchen.  Structure takes energy to make happen, so it's sort of the inverse of entropy.   :D  I try to have structures that cover my butt for my reality.  I don't aim higher than what I can ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH or actually follow through on.

 

My advice is to find whatever your worst problems are (pick 1-3) and problem solve.  Then, when you have structures in place that help with those, then find some more problems to solve.  I'm not perfect, so I never get 'em all solved at once, lol.

 

And to answer the question, I make sure our expectations and game plan are very clear.  Ds has a chart on the wall, because he likes it.  I use calendars and make OCD level syllabi.  Dd thrives on those syllabi.  There's a lot more I COULD do if I had the energy to enforce it.  Think military school.  If you have the energy to enforce that, that's structure.  But if you don't, you can still have clear expectations that lower anxiety by having routine, known plans, known expectations, and consistent enforcement.  I wish I had more energy to do more, sigh, but I don't.  So I make structure for the things I most need done and areas I most need to problem solve, and everything else SLIDES.  

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with Elizabeth.  Clear expectations consistently enforced and only taking on what you know you and your family can get done tend to work best, at least in our household, or you are setting yourselves up for a cycle of failure and continual frustration.  And getting both parents on the same page helps enormously, too (unfortunately DH and I are not on the same page with a few things since we were raised differently as kids but we are working our way through).  

 

For DD, she wants a list she can move through for school and chores.  She feels like she is more in control that way.  DS tends to forget the checklist but he likes knowing what is coming up.  I try to keep a calendar on the fridge and remind them to check it every morning for whatever may be coming up.  Not in a nagging way, though, just a friendly smile and a point to the calendar.  I know we are dealing with EF issues so reminding them is just part of the process.  They are getting better and better at remembering.

 

This is a post I made elsewhere regarding chores in particular that might help:

 

First, I honestly really recommend that you at least skim through Smart but Scattered and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life.  See if your local library has them.  I really found both books to be extremely helpful in turning things around with regards to chores at our house.

 

After reading the books I changed my perspective and my plans and actions completely.  Some of this may sound ridiculous and time consuming with an older child but honestly it really did help tremendously.

 

1.  I stopped calling the activities we do to maintain the house as "chores".  Chores have a negative connotation for some.  Terminology varies a bit, depending on what we are doing, but mostly what we do is house maintenance.

 

2.  I started from scratch with them learning how to do house maintenance.  I told them flat out that I had done kind of a poor job of training them and that we were starting over.  I told them we were starting an apprenticeship for everything, just like when many people get a job.  Everyone needs a bit of training.  Knowing they weren't going to be expected to do everything exactly the way I wanted right off the bat took the pressure off and they were more enthusiastic.

 

3.  I started with one thing.  I think we started with dishes (although it could have been laundry).  And I had them watch while I did it myself and I walked them through verbally WHY I was doing what I was doing and WHEN it needed to be done and in WHAT sequence.  I also told them which things were personal preferences and which were necessary no matter who was doing it.  And then the next day I did the same thing but asked them questions.  Then they did it with me there, and I had them walk through verbally what they were doing and why.  And I spent a lot of time giving positive feedback on the things they were doing right or improving on.

 

I did not refer to past mistakes.  I did not criticize their efforts.  If they didn't do something right, I reviewed it with them again, as many times as necessary, but with as much of an upbeat attitude as I could muster.  We shared stories, we played music, we sang songs.  And we worked as a team.  I emphasized that this is a team effort.  We are all in this together.  

 

Then they did it without me immediately around but I was near enough to step in to give positive feedback or scaffolding.  They needed the repetition (lots of repetition) for the sequence of everything to sink in and become automatic.  They were issued a certificate and we had a mini-celebration when they could do everything without any input from me.  They had moved to Journeyman status.  The task was placed on their weekly list and they started another apprenticeship for another house maintenance chore.  

 

4.  Once they were doing it on their own, I still tried to give lots of positive reinforcement and had them doing whatever it is on a regular basis, still providing feedback so that the steps could continue to be internalized.  I wanted to praise success not point out failure since, lets face it, we are all more willing to do something we like doing and feel we are capable of doing well than something we feel we always come up short on.  And these are life skills.  When they are adults and may be struggling with various other things I hope they will at least have some life skills down, KWIM?

 

5.  Now, when I ask them to do something or they start something from their list, I also try to be doing something nearby or we all pitch in together.  Not always possible but the communal nature has helped, too.  For instance, today (other day actually since this is an older post copied and pasted here) I had a huge laundry load of clothes to fold.  The kids were in their rooms having some quiet time to themselves but I called them down and they came willingly.  We folded the clothes together, shared stories and laughed at the dog's antics.  It was a pleasant moment, the job got done quickly, and everyone was free to go off and do their own thing again.

 

It doesn't always go that smoothly but having the apprenticeship has turned so many things around.  We still have areas they need work on (like picking up dirty socks) but we are in a much better place now than we were.

 

HTH.

[FairProspects]

We have routines and procedures for virtually everything. Chores, meals, school, etc. Everybody knows their jobs, the times associated with those jobs and the rewards and consequences if they do a great job or fail to do their jobs. School starts at 9am and everyone is to be there with morning chores done, breakfast eaten, and a good attitude if they want to stay on green and earn their privileges for the day, for example. We are definitely not perfect, but I do think that everyone knowing their responsibilities and schedules really helps for kids who struggle with transitions and less structure.

[FairProspects]

One other thing - we have mealtimes fairly scheduled. Breakfast occurs more or less at 7:30am everyday, lunch at 12pm, and dinner at 6pm. It drove me crazy as a kid that my mother would frequently tell me that I could go to so and so's house after dinner or play piano or whatever, and then dinner would be anywhere from 6:15-8:30pm. I had no idea how to adjust my expectations and the activities on my agenda. I try to stick to the schedule barring illness and other random life events because it just helps minimize conflict and manage expectations for everyone. If we want kids to start to be independent and in charge of their own studies or activities, IMHO we have to give them reasonable structures for time management.

[OneStepAtATime]

One other thing - we have mealtimes fairly scheduled. Breakfast occurs more or less at 7:30am everyday, lunch at 12pm, and dinner at 6pm. It drove me crazy as a kid that my mother would frequently tell me that I could go to so and so's house after dinner or play piano or whatever, and then dinner would be anywhere from 6:15-8:30pm. I had no idea how to adjust my expectations and the activities on my agenda. I try to stick to the schedule barring illness and other random life events because it just helps minimize conflict and manage expectations for everyone. If we want kids to start to be independent and in charge of their own studies or activities, IMHO we have to give them reasonable structures for time management.

I wish we had this for dinner.  DH shows up at all hours because his work schedule is erratic, but he gets hurt if the kids and I sit and have a meal without him.  But it is so hard to stall them forever as they get hungrier and hungrier and crankier and crankier as we wait.  Not healthy.  You have reinvigorated my desire to change this dynamic.  Off to brainstorm some better ways to compromise.   :)

[MerryAtHope]

Structure=clear expectations. It means there's a game plan and they know what it is. 

 

yes. One thing that we implemented several years ago that helped us is workboxes. Think of these as being like a 3-D schedule. It puts things in doable chunks (very helpful for ADHD kids)--they focus on one thing at a time. They can see their progress and were more likely to stay on task--and if they got off track, it was easy to see where they were in the day, ask them which box was next etc... to help them get back on track. 

[Snow]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Love hearing how things work for you all...keep 'em coming!

[OneStepAtATime]

yes. One thing that we implemented several years ago that helped us is workboxes. Think of these as being like a 3-D schedule. It puts things in doable chunks (very helpful for ADHD kids)--they focus on one thing at a time. They can see their progress and were more likely to stay on task--and if they got off track, it was easy to see where they were in the day, ask them which box was next etc... to help them get back on track. 

Yes!  We did limited workboxes this last year and I intend to use it in a more consistent way this year.  I found some great, see through, latchable, colored workboxes that aren't too tall at Costco and bought a set for each of the kids.  Love workboxes (but DD still needs her checklist or she gets cranky :) ).  And thanks for that link, MerryAtHope, I had not seen that section of your blog on workboxes.  

[tshirtyogapantmama]

We do checklists. It started as a suggestion from our ND years ago when my son was taking therapy for speech. 

 

I don't have a copy of the checklists we used back then (about 7 years ago) but currently we still use checklists for morning and night for my older kiddos. They get to do it in any order. When they were young I put the tasks in order to be completed. They are 13 (boy), 12 (girl). Here is a copy of their checklist for morning and night. 

 

Girl (12) Morning 

Make Bed, Put on Clothes, Deodorant, Style Hair, Put on Makeup (optional), Earrings/Jewelry (optional), Brush Teeth, Bring Water Down

 

Girl (12) Night

PJ’s on, Get Books, Get Water (if needed), Brush & Floss Teeth, Face Wash/Wipe, Brush Hair, Remove Makeup/Jewelry

 

Boy (13) Morning

Make Bed, Fix James Bed (our tot's bed), Put on Clothes, Deodorant

Brush Teeth, Bring Water Down, Open Windows (the blinds), Bring Lib. Books Down

 

Boy (13) Night

PJ’s on, Get Books, Get Water (if needed) ,Brush & Floss Teeth

Face Wash/Wipe, Close Blinds, Get Beds Ready

 

 

 

 

We don't have a set time to get up and do them but they need to the checklist done for the morning before breakfast. It takes about 15 mins give or take. 

 

At night, I give at least 20 mins to complete their checklist. They get more time because do skin care and my daughter has to remove makeup. earrings, etc. 

 

For school, I've always done just a simple task-checklist with what is to be done that day. Typically written up on a whiteboard or printed out. This year, I've switched it up and we're doing periods of 45 mins and then having mini-breaks. It's working so far...I decided to switch up because we have consider co-op/hybrid schooling and most are scheduled as periods with breaks in between classes like public/pvt school. I want them to be prepared in case they want to join next year for high school. 

 

Another idea is setting rewards up, we have before, not all the time but when we change routines and modify the lists we normally have a period of rewards and it helps. All the way from earning money to game time.